It's that special time of the year again when we all seem to be happier and kinder with others. We, as a collective whole, are more willing to forgive and move on onto bigger and better things. That is not the case at my house today. There is a sense of melancholy that has fallen over my little home today. I'm not sure if it's because of the girls not being here or if it because neither want to talk to us. I know that Piper is just having fun and being a kid and is excited for tomorrow, but it cuts when she's just not interested in talking to me at all. With Kelsie, she's just not here this year and can't wait to leave. I was listening to Cat Stevens Wild World and thought of her. I am at a loss as to how to make it right. And I know that it's not really up to me to fix it. I think that part makes me sad.
I was looking at the tree this morning and it dawned on me that I am a very materialistic when it comes to the holidays. I have everything that I need in my life. I have a great family and I love them all so much. I have a vehicle that works and gets me to where we need to be. I have a job an it's only getting better for me. But, still, the tree is lovely but there isn't anything under it and there isn't going to be. The stockings are hung and it looks so beautiful, and they will remain empty. It's all good, I have had years like this before but not quite like this. And if I recall, I was kind of bummed about it still. But, it's all good. I know that the whole idea of the day isn't about getting stuff, but, I wish I could give more to the ones that I love. I want to create the kind of memories that my parents did for us. And they had four kids to buy for. I know that I will be doing more shopping with layaway more than once this next year. I have no clue what the rest of this day will bring or what's in store for Thomas and I tomorrow. I have ideas that would be great like, a mental vacation with good food and great music and maybe something funny to watch. I don't see that happening, but that would be nice. Anyhow, enough sad shit. I think I will finish wrapping and then go do some food shopping for tomorrow and then, drink. I am thinking wine is in store for me and who knows what else.
I have yet to really reach any of my goals that I set for myself this past year. I do know that had my computer not died, I would have done more writing. I am going to finish the book idea I have this coming year. It will be done by my birthday. And I will have to think of other goals for the year too, but, that's the big one. I can do this. This is the last year I will be living in this apartment for the holidays and I will have my house. We will be there next year and I am excited about it. Good things are happening all the time for me.
I put on my favorite movie to make the day seem better and I love the music in it. I think the ocean is calling my name. Soon! I have to be there soon, I need it. Anyhow, I have things to do today, so, Happy Christmas to all, and to all, a good night! Peace
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
8 pieces of 9
I had said recently that I would be writing about the summer after I graduated, so I thought I would get that done. It really, for me was about a huge change that took place for me. I was in a whole new world and I was loving it. It really did change the course of my life, and I am so glad that it all happened.
That summer was going to be awesome!! A week after graduating high school, I was going to Europe for 6 weeks. And holy cow, was I stoked about it! First of all, 6 weeks of not working, who can not be happy about that. I was so looking forward to it. There was going to be so much fun, I couldn't hardly wait. However, there was that thing about flying over the big blue pond. I know for me, I would dream about crashing into the water and dying a slow horrible death, being eaten by a ferocious school of hammerhead sharks. Funny now that I think of it really.
So, just before I left the country for the second time, I helped my mom plant our garden. It was going to massive this year. We had onions and zucchinis and all sorts of other things that I don't like to eat. I remember we had gotten me some new clothes, tanks and pants and I was wearing one of the new tanks while planting, it didn't go all the way to my but when I leaned over, so there was this really pretty red line on my back side. Ouch!
When we left Arizona, we took a non-stop flight to Germany, then an hour flight to Munich. Since we left in the morning, we got there in the afternoon and the flight was about 10 hours long. Talk about super tired when we got there. I know that we got to our hotel rooms, and all of us wanted to sleep, but, we weren't allowed to. We were to go out sight seeing until evening, and then we could finally sleep. I have no idea what we did that day. I don't even remember who I was rooming with the first few nights. Mostly, I think they were friends of Lexi's but, then, most of the German club loved my sister and thought I was a total wack job. And they were all mad at me because I snore... like I could help that. The first few days, we spent in Munich were so much fun. It was the first time that I had ever ridden on the subway and we went to go see so many different museums and saw so much, it was a blast.
Our next stop was somewhere else. I think we went to Austria, to Vienna... I could be wrong, it could have been Saltzberg too.. Anyhow, it was an amazing time. After spending a few days there, we went to Slovakia to Spišské Podhradie. A small village at the base of one of the oldest castles in Western Europe, although, I would say we were getting more into the eastern block. We were to be staying with families... with another person from our group. I got to stay with this amazing family and a girl that didn't like me very much. Maybe we were too much alike, but, for whatever reason, she and I did not ever get along... From the first time that we ever had to interact with each other. And she made it a point to make sure that I knew how much she disliked me. I wanted nothing more than to have a good time and enjoy the place that we were in, and it just didn't happen. Not only that, we were to sleep in the same bed. Lucky us. (To this day, whenever I say something to the effect of I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, she's the one that I think of. Though, I don't wish anything bad for Holly, I have found that life is hard enough and I don't know what her walk is about. I do hope for good things for her and that she's happy... Most of the time that is >:) It was a hard few days that we had to deal with and we got through it, though, at the time, it was the worst thing in the world for her. The castle was so neat. It was in ruins but it held so much magic in the air that it was nearly tangible. I was in awe of the whole place and what it was and what it had once been. Today, to see pictures of the castle and realize that I have been there, is so cool. I still find it hard to believe that I was there! I have seen it! I wish I could still see that in my dreams instead of trying to find aft diesel, but, that's another story.
With the castle behind us, we headed back west towards Austria again, and this time, we were stopping in the capital of Slovakia, Bratislava. Once again, I got to room with Holly and this time, she was really not happy about having to share a room with me. I mean, I snore and she jut couldn't handle it. I tried to apologize and move rooms, but, I don't remember if that happened or not. All I know was that I was miserable and wishing things were different. We got settled into our rooms and we went to the ballet one of the nights we were there. I was so excited to go, I haven't actually gone to the ballet since then. We went to go see Swan Lake. It was so pretty and so neat, I was in love. I didn't even care if I was on the trip from hell with the wicked witch of the west. We went to eat at a place, I think it was called the Spaghetti House, I'm not too sure about that, and I remember having crystal glasses that we were playing with. Once again, I am sure I was the one in trouble for it. Next our trip took us to Saltzberg... I think. Spent a few days there, went to the salt mines, saw the house where they shot the film The Sound of Music, sat on the wall of the fortress that sits above the city... got in trouble for sitting on the wall too. Got to see where Mozart was born, sat in the cafe just across it in fact. Saw the chapel they used in the wedding scene of The Sound Of Music. It was so magical for me. Despite other factors that could have made it a bad trip.
At last, our journey with the traveling part of the time was coming to a close and soon we were going to be with our host families from the school that we had a partnership with. I was going to stay with Annina and her family, I was so relieved to be done with the traveling all the time. We traveled a lot of the time by train, so, that was nice, and soon, we were there. That first night that she came to pick me up was, fun. She picked me up and we drove to the mountains where we went to a party with some of her friends. I met her boyfriend, Daniel. It was good times. I can say that as far as the things that we weren't suppose to do, no smoking, no drinking, obviously no drugs and certainly no sex allowed, I never did any drugs while I was there. I was bad, yes, I slept with a dude one of the first nights, and I have never regretted that, for the whole of my life thus far!!! The place, the weather, the time of year, everything was like a dream, just surreal and beautiful. Anyhow, as far as being a good exchange student goes, maybe I wasn't the best. But, I had a hell of a good time! I tell people if you ever get the chance to go and see other places like that, do it! Always do it!!! You will never regret it.
The time that I spent there is mostly a blur for me now. Not because I was drunk, (like being in the Navy) but because it's been a while, and details tend to get somewhat fuzzy for me. I know that I have it written down somewhere, but, I am not too sure where that journal is at, at the present time. I do remember calling home towards the end of my stay and talking to Lexi, (I wished so much that she was there with me, it just wasn't fair that she wasn't) and she was telling me about Rainbow People who were on the mountain and they were like hippies and I remember thinking that I wanted to be there so I could go experience these Rainbow people. And little things I remember, like, watching the news and they were talking about President Bill Clinton and the newscasters started to laugh... And the music... I can still listen to it, and think of all the people that I met while I was there. It was the time of my life, and I look back at it with a lot of fond memories. Like Paris and eating Creme Brulee there. Or seeing Norte Dame and walking in it. Or the feel of the rain on my face or the black forest or the Stihl school. But then I came home, and that was the beginning of the most fun I had ever had with my sister, besides A school... But, that's for another time, and wow... what a time it was :)
That summer was going to be awesome!! A week after graduating high school, I was going to Europe for 6 weeks. And holy cow, was I stoked about it! First of all, 6 weeks of not working, who can not be happy about that. I was so looking forward to it. There was going to be so much fun, I couldn't hardly wait. However, there was that thing about flying over the big blue pond. I know for me, I would dream about crashing into the water and dying a slow horrible death, being eaten by a ferocious school of hammerhead sharks. Funny now that I think of it really.
So, just before I left the country for the second time, I helped my mom plant our garden. It was going to massive this year. We had onions and zucchinis and all sorts of other things that I don't like to eat. I remember we had gotten me some new clothes, tanks and pants and I was wearing one of the new tanks while planting, it didn't go all the way to my but when I leaned over, so there was this really pretty red line on my back side. Ouch!
When we left Arizona, we took a non-stop flight to Germany, then an hour flight to Munich. Since we left in the morning, we got there in the afternoon and the flight was about 10 hours long. Talk about super tired when we got there. I know that we got to our hotel rooms, and all of us wanted to sleep, but, we weren't allowed to. We were to go out sight seeing until evening, and then we could finally sleep. I have no idea what we did that day. I don't even remember who I was rooming with the first few nights. Mostly, I think they were friends of Lexi's but, then, most of the German club loved my sister and thought I was a total wack job. And they were all mad at me because I snore... like I could help that. The first few days, we spent in Munich were so much fun. It was the first time that I had ever ridden on the subway and we went to go see so many different museums and saw so much, it was a blast.
Our next stop was somewhere else. I think we went to Austria, to Vienna... I could be wrong, it could have been Saltzberg too.. Anyhow, it was an amazing time. After spending a few days there, we went to Slovakia to Spišské Podhradie. A small village at the base of one of the oldest castles in Western Europe, although, I would say we were getting more into the eastern block. We were to be staying with families... with another person from our group. I got to stay with this amazing family and a girl that didn't like me very much. Maybe we were too much alike, but, for whatever reason, she and I did not ever get along... From the first time that we ever had to interact with each other. And she made it a point to make sure that I knew how much she disliked me. I wanted nothing more than to have a good time and enjoy the place that we were in, and it just didn't happen. Not only that, we were to sleep in the same bed. Lucky us. (To this day, whenever I say something to the effect of I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, she's the one that I think of. Though, I don't wish anything bad for Holly, I have found that life is hard enough and I don't know what her walk is about. I do hope for good things for her and that she's happy... Most of the time that is >:) It was a hard few days that we had to deal with and we got through it, though, at the time, it was the worst thing in the world for her. The castle was so neat. It was in ruins but it held so much magic in the air that it was nearly tangible. I was in awe of the whole place and what it was and what it had once been. Today, to see pictures of the castle and realize that I have been there, is so cool. I still find it hard to believe that I was there! I have seen it! I wish I could still see that in my dreams instead of trying to find aft diesel, but, that's another story.
With the castle behind us, we headed back west towards Austria again, and this time, we were stopping in the capital of Slovakia, Bratislava. Once again, I got to room with Holly and this time, she was really not happy about having to share a room with me. I mean, I snore and she jut couldn't handle it. I tried to apologize and move rooms, but, I don't remember if that happened or not. All I know was that I was miserable and wishing things were different. We got settled into our rooms and we went to the ballet one of the nights we were there. I was so excited to go, I haven't actually gone to the ballet since then. We went to go see Swan Lake. It was so pretty and so neat, I was in love. I didn't even care if I was on the trip from hell with the wicked witch of the west. We went to eat at a place, I think it was called the Spaghetti House, I'm not too sure about that, and I remember having crystal glasses that we were playing with. Once again, I am sure I was the one in trouble for it. Next our trip took us to Saltzberg... I think. Spent a few days there, went to the salt mines, saw the house where they shot the film The Sound of Music, sat on the wall of the fortress that sits above the city... got in trouble for sitting on the wall too. Got to see where Mozart was born, sat in the cafe just across it in fact. Saw the chapel they used in the wedding scene of The Sound Of Music. It was so magical for me. Despite other factors that could have made it a bad trip.
At last, our journey with the traveling part of the time was coming to a close and soon we were going to be with our host families from the school that we had a partnership with. I was going to stay with Annina and her family, I was so relieved to be done with the traveling all the time. We traveled a lot of the time by train, so, that was nice, and soon, we were there. That first night that she came to pick me up was, fun. She picked me up and we drove to the mountains where we went to a party with some of her friends. I met her boyfriend, Daniel. It was good times. I can say that as far as the things that we weren't suppose to do, no smoking, no drinking, obviously no drugs and certainly no sex allowed, I never did any drugs while I was there. I was bad, yes, I slept with a dude one of the first nights, and I have never regretted that, for the whole of my life thus far!!! The place, the weather, the time of year, everything was like a dream, just surreal and beautiful. Anyhow, as far as being a good exchange student goes, maybe I wasn't the best. But, I had a hell of a good time! I tell people if you ever get the chance to go and see other places like that, do it! Always do it!!! You will never regret it.
The time that I spent there is mostly a blur for me now. Not because I was drunk, (like being in the Navy) but because it's been a while, and details tend to get somewhat fuzzy for me. I know that I have it written down somewhere, but, I am not too sure where that journal is at, at the present time. I do remember calling home towards the end of my stay and talking to Lexi, (I wished so much that she was there with me, it just wasn't fair that she wasn't) and she was telling me about Rainbow People who were on the mountain and they were like hippies and I remember thinking that I wanted to be there so I could go experience these Rainbow people. And little things I remember, like, watching the news and they were talking about President Bill Clinton and the newscasters started to laugh... And the music... I can still listen to it, and think of all the people that I met while I was there. It was the time of my life, and I look back at it with a lot of fond memories. Like Paris and eating Creme Brulee there. Or seeing Norte Dame and walking in it. Or the feel of the rain on my face or the black forest or the Stihl school. But then I came home, and that was the beginning of the most fun I had ever had with my sister, besides A school... But, that's for another time, and wow... what a time it was :)
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
My Own Sense of Greed
Some of you know, that I love having money. I really love to spend money. I love that money is a tool used to buy the things that I need... like, my contacts and eyeliner and things that I think I need like work clothes and shoes, even sheets to make sure that my clients don't have to smell rancid oil on sheets.
I love what money can buy. Think about it, I mean, money can do wonders for us. It can get the things that I need to in order to get by in life. Like toilet paper and food and things like that. It can also buy the things that I want to have, like Lasik eye surgery and a new home and cars. It can help me to buy the land that I want so I can build the roller skating rink and indoor skate park that I feel would be a huge thing for the entire community that I live in.
I would like to have more money than what I do. I know that it's happening and that the universe is aligning for me so I can have my happily ever after, and I have faith that it's happening right now, as I write. I have spent a lot of money on being able to align my energy with the correct vibration of the flow of money. I have spent money on Feng Shui stuff to help get the flow right to my door, I have spent money on clearing my energy blocks so that I am in alignment with situations that may arise to help get me what I want. I have spent a lot of money on being able to get more money. I have this thing that I'm sure other people do, and that's that I would really like to not live under the poverty line. I keep my chin up and say that good things are happening, instead of they are going to happen. I say that I can afford the house that I want to buy, and that I can afford to buy Kelsie and Thomas and I all new vehicles. I put a lot of time and energy into this whole money thing.
It got me to thinking the other day about my body and the way that I really don't take the best care of my body. What if I put this same amount of time and energy into getting my body to look the way that I want it to, instead of putting it into making more money. So I started to ask myself, what if, the secret to wealth laid in my body looking like I want it to? What if, I told myself that I could have all that wealth, if I took the time in the day to take care of my body the way that it deserves to be taken care of? I wondered this for a few days, and it occurred to me, that I bet I could convince myself of this, so much so, that I could fool myself into a new good habit. How strange that I would have to tell myself this in order to get my body to look like I would like it to.
So now what? I have said all throughout the year that I was going to take care of body and that I would be able to do this, but I have really not done a damn thing about it. So, I am saying this, to reaffirm this with myself and those who think I am a total lunitic :) I know that once my body looks like the way that I feel on the inside, all glowy and happy and thin and beautiful, that is when my money will finally show up. It's all about me doing what I should have done in the first place. Put my health first and then worry about the rest of everything. After all, Wonder Woman cannot go saving the planet from bad guys if she has no energy and can't do anything because she feels like shit.
I have a plan, I found it online today in fact. It's a hybrid program of two workout routines that I have. It starts on a Monday, with two days off, and I really like that idea. I know that I am picking a strange time to start doing this, but, what the hell, now is as good of a time as any. I have only fat to lose and a lot to gain in the process. And if truth be told, I was really wanting to do this because of something that I kind of discovered about myself. I have the look of a 50's style pin-up girl. So, I have been combing through different sites on the Internet to find pictures that I like. And I have saved them. I want to do a photo session with some of these awesome poses. And I want them to go viral, and I want those boys who never thought much of me to see it and go, whoa, wow...!!! That's the goal at least. For the ones who thought, oh she's cute if she lost a few pounds or she's got a pretty face, but, she's a chunky girl, I want them to see these photos and have a moment where they totally kick themselves in the butt for ever being a shit head to me.... If that makes me vain, then so be it, I'm vain! Oh well for all I care! I want to be someone to me! Not really to these other bozos who didn't know how to handle me, but, for me. I want to have an office with a huge photo of me on the wall that when my girls have their friends come over, they are just like, whoa, is that you're mom? I want to be Stacey's Mom!!! But like, Piper's mom :)
I don't have these hopes that I'm going to be some sort of famous person for these photos, I want to be remembered for something else that I have in mind, I want them to show myself that I can do it. I am worth the time and effort and energy that it takes to get to be where I want to be.
So, that's pretty much it today. My own sense of greed is somewhat odd, but, I think that it's a good kind of greed... A desire to get to my next level of myself. Maybe that makes sense, maybe that doesn't, but, to me, it does. And in the mornings I wake up and lay in bed for a few minutes thinking to myself, you are beautiful, you are worth it, you can afford to buy the things that you want, you can do this! Monday I put all these ideas into practice and I will see what happens with it. I am hoping that by the first of the year, I will have something to show for it, and instead of thinking I am going to start something, I will already be doing it. Here goes, thinking good thoughts now... Time to do Christmas stuff now, Peace...
I love what money can buy. Think about it, I mean, money can do wonders for us. It can get the things that I need to in order to get by in life. Like toilet paper and food and things like that. It can also buy the things that I want to have, like Lasik eye surgery and a new home and cars. It can help me to buy the land that I want so I can build the roller skating rink and indoor skate park that I feel would be a huge thing for the entire community that I live in.
I would like to have more money than what I do. I know that it's happening and that the universe is aligning for me so I can have my happily ever after, and I have faith that it's happening right now, as I write. I have spent a lot of money on being able to align my energy with the correct vibration of the flow of money. I have spent money on Feng Shui stuff to help get the flow right to my door, I have spent money on clearing my energy blocks so that I am in alignment with situations that may arise to help get me what I want. I have spent a lot of money on being able to get more money. I have this thing that I'm sure other people do, and that's that I would really like to not live under the poverty line. I keep my chin up and say that good things are happening, instead of they are going to happen. I say that I can afford the house that I want to buy, and that I can afford to buy Kelsie and Thomas and I all new vehicles. I put a lot of time and energy into this whole money thing.
It got me to thinking the other day about my body and the way that I really don't take the best care of my body. What if I put this same amount of time and energy into getting my body to look the way that I want it to, instead of putting it into making more money. So I started to ask myself, what if, the secret to wealth laid in my body looking like I want it to? What if, I told myself that I could have all that wealth, if I took the time in the day to take care of my body the way that it deserves to be taken care of? I wondered this for a few days, and it occurred to me, that I bet I could convince myself of this, so much so, that I could fool myself into a new good habit. How strange that I would have to tell myself this in order to get my body to look like I would like it to.
So now what? I have said all throughout the year that I was going to take care of body and that I would be able to do this, but I have really not done a damn thing about it. So, I am saying this, to reaffirm this with myself and those who think I am a total lunitic :) I know that once my body looks like the way that I feel on the inside, all glowy and happy and thin and beautiful, that is when my money will finally show up. It's all about me doing what I should have done in the first place. Put my health first and then worry about the rest of everything. After all, Wonder Woman cannot go saving the planet from bad guys if she has no energy and can't do anything because she feels like shit.
I have a plan, I found it online today in fact. It's a hybrid program of two workout routines that I have. It starts on a Monday, with two days off, and I really like that idea. I know that I am picking a strange time to start doing this, but, what the hell, now is as good of a time as any. I have only fat to lose and a lot to gain in the process. And if truth be told, I was really wanting to do this because of something that I kind of discovered about myself. I have the look of a 50's style pin-up girl. So, I have been combing through different sites on the Internet to find pictures that I like. And I have saved them. I want to do a photo session with some of these awesome poses. And I want them to go viral, and I want those boys who never thought much of me to see it and go, whoa, wow...!!! That's the goal at least. For the ones who thought, oh she's cute if she lost a few pounds or she's got a pretty face, but, she's a chunky girl, I want them to see these photos and have a moment where they totally kick themselves in the butt for ever being a shit head to me.... If that makes me vain, then so be it, I'm vain! Oh well for all I care! I want to be someone to me! Not really to these other bozos who didn't know how to handle me, but, for me. I want to have an office with a huge photo of me on the wall that when my girls have their friends come over, they are just like, whoa, is that you're mom? I want to be Stacey's Mom!!! But like, Piper's mom :)
I don't have these hopes that I'm going to be some sort of famous person for these photos, I want to be remembered for something else that I have in mind, I want them to show myself that I can do it. I am worth the time and effort and energy that it takes to get to be where I want to be.
So, that's pretty much it today. My own sense of greed is somewhat odd, but, I think that it's a good kind of greed... A desire to get to my next level of myself. Maybe that makes sense, maybe that doesn't, but, to me, it does. And in the mornings I wake up and lay in bed for a few minutes thinking to myself, you are beautiful, you are worth it, you can afford to buy the things that you want, you can do this! Monday I put all these ideas into practice and I will see what happens with it. I am hoping that by the first of the year, I will have something to show for it, and instead of thinking I am going to start something, I will already be doing it. Here goes, thinking good thoughts now... Time to do Christmas stuff now, Peace...
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
The Sauna
In our office, we have got a new Infra-Red Sauna. I am loving this, mainly because when it's like 19 degrees outside, I am nice and warm and toasty at 112 degrees... until I walk out of the sauna and I realize that there is like a 42 degree difference in the office. I think that I will have to go back to my cave for a while to completely warm up.
On Facebook yesterday, I was ranting about some of the things that I am seeing all over the Internet. Things like, signs saying, God Hates Fags (this was on a Salvation Army sign with the bell ringers with smiles on their faces). I don't understand this. I keep trying to point out to people that this book they keep quoting also says that God is love, and treat others the way you wanted to be treated. I don't see this message going out this Christmas. Why? Don't we want to see messages of love and good will towards men and that kind of thing? Don't we want to be able to help those in need? Why is it 'good Christians' only want to help the ones who they approve of, like certain homeless people. What if that homeless person is gay? Do you tell them, "I'm sorry, we can't help you because your life doesn't match up to what a book has told me to believe." Sure seems that way to me. I can honestly say I will no longer be donating to ANY organization that openly discriminates against anyone. That book that you all seem to quote says to love others and if you can't do that part of the book, I am going to tell you all to go fuck yourselves!!
I have noticed that Safeway has started to carry Del-Monty bananas. They are smaller then the normal Chiquita bananas that we like and I was thinking, oh cool, smaller ones, they are cute. NOPE!! Every single one of them that I have peeled, have been bruised all the way through. I even tried to carry them super nicely and not throw them and not let Piper carry them, and nope that's not helping either. I would like to lodge a complaint with star command with this one... Bring back Chiquita Bananas!!!
Saturday night, Thomas and I were at the store and I was so excited that I found StrongBow, it was too expensive for a 4 pack of cans... and I got instead, a 12 pack of Sam Adams, their winter stuff. They have this kind of beer, Chocolate Cherry Bock, all I can say is wow!! So freaking good!! I think we should all have some of that stuff!
I have court two times coming up in this next two months. One is for Thomas's child support and the other is with the car. I am also hoping that when the USDA gets around to going over our apartment lease, they will find what we have been telling them, that we overpaid our rent for more than a year and we need to be reimbursed. That is what I am thinking is going to happen... I am hopeful at least. Anyhow, I think I have to get off the computer, I am using the one at work while on my lunch break to do my writing, since I don't have the Internet at my house right now and we have no computers that are in working order. I keep thinking that Santa will bring me a new computer, but, who knows with that one. I asked him for a house and new cars for me and Thomas and Kelsie... I guess I will have to just wait and see. Until the next time, Peace <3 :="" p="">
On Facebook yesterday, I was ranting about some of the things that I am seeing all over the Internet. Things like, signs saying, God Hates Fags (this was on a Salvation Army sign with the bell ringers with smiles on their faces). I don't understand this. I keep trying to point out to people that this book they keep quoting also says that God is love, and treat others the way you wanted to be treated. I don't see this message going out this Christmas. Why? Don't we want to see messages of love and good will towards men and that kind of thing? Don't we want to be able to help those in need? Why is it 'good Christians' only want to help the ones who they approve of, like certain homeless people. What if that homeless person is gay? Do you tell them, "I'm sorry, we can't help you because your life doesn't match up to what a book has told me to believe." Sure seems that way to me. I can honestly say I will no longer be donating to ANY organization that openly discriminates against anyone. That book that you all seem to quote says to love others and if you can't do that part of the book, I am going to tell you all to go fuck yourselves!!
I have noticed that Safeway has started to carry Del-Monty bananas. They are smaller then the normal Chiquita bananas that we like and I was thinking, oh cool, smaller ones, they are cute. NOPE!! Every single one of them that I have peeled, have been bruised all the way through. I even tried to carry them super nicely and not throw them and not let Piper carry them, and nope that's not helping either. I would like to lodge a complaint with star command with this one... Bring back Chiquita Bananas!!!
Saturday night, Thomas and I were at the store and I was so excited that I found StrongBow, it was too expensive for a 4 pack of cans... and I got instead, a 12 pack of Sam Adams, their winter stuff. They have this kind of beer, Chocolate Cherry Bock, all I can say is wow!! So freaking good!! I think we should all have some of that stuff!
I have court two times coming up in this next two months. One is for Thomas's child support and the other is with the car. I am also hoping that when the USDA gets around to going over our apartment lease, they will find what we have been telling them, that we overpaid our rent for more than a year and we need to be reimbursed. That is what I am thinking is going to happen... I am hopeful at least. Anyhow, I think I have to get off the computer, I am using the one at work while on my lunch break to do my writing, since I don't have the Internet at my house right now and we have no computers that are in working order. I keep thinking that Santa will bring me a new computer, but, who knows with that one. I asked him for a house and new cars for me and Thomas and Kelsie... I guess I will have to just wait and see. Until the next time, Peace <3 :="" p="">
Friday, November 29, 2013
Feeling like I had lost my voice
Over the last few weeks, I have not had the use of my computer. The mother board that I have been trying so hard to take care of, I thought, was finally done. I was not happy about that. Not that I don't spend way too much time on facebook and play stupid videos on YouTube, but, more than that, I thought that I had lost my ability to write. I couldn't even use to it write the book that I am officially working on. I was, for all intensive purposes, thinking that my voice wouldn't be heard for a long time. It was a horrible feeling.
I think I am glad that I tried to plug it back in today and see what would happen. I think it just needed some time off from everything and then it would go back to working. Now, the problem remains that I don't have the Internet at home anymore. I will be able to work on my book which is a good thing if you ask me :)
I have been watching lots of movies lately, and there was one that while the context of the movie didn't make me cry, it was the fact things like this go on in our country all the time, and it's the almighty dollar is really the biggest problem we have in our land today. I was so saddened that this movie, so well done, really well acted, had hardly even a notice to anyone who wasn't looking for it. I hate to say that even I have become a fan of the action flicks, but, I know that there are other movies of greater substance than the ones where everyone is shooting each other, like, Cloud Atlas or The East. Movies that should have been noticed by the Academy, but, will not be because it's not about action and people always killing each other. Cloud Atlas has become one of my most favorite movies of all time. Since I first saw the trailer for it, I was taken in by it. All I knew was that I had to see this movie. It was already out of theaters so I had to wait for it to come out to video. It was so well worth the wait. It was so beautifully done and everyone in it was so good. I can't help but really think about all that this movie implied. It was amazing for me.
The East was a movie about domestic terrorist organization that made the big businesses pay for what they had done. The oil companies, the pharmaceutical companies, the companies that dump waste into the rivers and lakes and contaminates the water table. They all had to pay for what they had done. And while I understand that it's against the law to try the kind of tactics, I more understand why they thought it was necessary to do it. And for that, I cried. I cried because sometimes, I feel like I am so naïve that I had no idea just how greedy people have become. I know that I too suffer from greed, but, I don't think that money should ever come at the cost of other people. And that's what was going on in this movie. A drug that had been toxic yet given out as an antibiotic and the side effects were horrible, yet, still prescribed. The gave it to the makers of the drug and they got to see what it was like to have a dose of their own medicine. An oil company that spilled oil had their house flooded with it. That company that dumped into the lakes, made to swim in it. And all of these people who made the money off of all these things, were in it all for the money.
I like money, I would like to have more of it, I LOVE to spend it. I don't think that if making it meant that I had to pollute the ocean, or the water table where so many live, or create a drug that could harm more than it will do good, then I don't want to make my fortune that way. I can't understand so much of why things go on these days. There is more greed in our world than ever and it makes me so sad that I cried for hours. I am so very sad that we have let something that really is a tool become what drives us. It's used to purchase toilet paper and milk and it has been corrupted so much that it doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process of acquiring it. I would like to think that there is still some good in the world and that others would see what we are doing to our earth and think twice about killing it. The need for nuclear power really scares me more than anything now. I see what has happened at the different places and I think it would be really a wise idea to harness the natural powers that world gives us to power our lives. Like using solar power and wind generators for our homes.
I am scared for the future of our world. It's not my generation that will have to deal with this, I think, it's Piper's grand kids that will have to deal with what we have done. We as a whole, not like it's all someone else's fault. We all have a hand in it, now, let's take our hands and see what good we can do with it instead. We can stop buying water and get a purifier instead. We can stop bashing the things that we don't like in our lives and instead promote what we do like. We can stop saying that the best way to cure something is to inject poison into our bodies. We can stop putting processed food into our bodies and start putting fresh fruits and vegetables into our bodies. Most importantly, we can stop the GMO and MSG in our foods. Eat only things that make our bodies happy... and that's not Oreo's that I'm talking about.
I hate that when I go to the store, and I see that all of the best fruits and vegetables are so ungodly expensive, making it nearly impossible to buy anything that is remotely healthy. Yet, if we go to say, McDonald's, they have burgers and fries and enormous sodas for $.99. I hate that it's damn near impossible to make a healthy meal without spending an arm and a leg.
Anyhow, I think that's enough of a rant for now, I have to get going... I am getting on the treadmill for another 30 minutes today. I would like to think that I will be thinner very soon, but, I don't know about that... it's funny, in my own sense of greed, I will do any number of Feng Shui things to help increase the energy of money so that it flows to me... yet, when it comes to me losing the weight that I know that I have to get off of me, I have a super hard time with it. I suppose if losing the weight would bring me infinite amount of money that I could use to help other do better and become more than they are, I would be super thin... maybe that's the real challenge... hmmm..... interesting...
I think I am glad that I tried to plug it back in today and see what would happen. I think it just needed some time off from everything and then it would go back to working. Now, the problem remains that I don't have the Internet at home anymore. I will be able to work on my book which is a good thing if you ask me :)
I have been watching lots of movies lately, and there was one that while the context of the movie didn't make me cry, it was the fact things like this go on in our country all the time, and it's the almighty dollar is really the biggest problem we have in our land today. I was so saddened that this movie, so well done, really well acted, had hardly even a notice to anyone who wasn't looking for it. I hate to say that even I have become a fan of the action flicks, but, I know that there are other movies of greater substance than the ones where everyone is shooting each other, like, Cloud Atlas or The East. Movies that should have been noticed by the Academy, but, will not be because it's not about action and people always killing each other. Cloud Atlas has become one of my most favorite movies of all time. Since I first saw the trailer for it, I was taken in by it. All I knew was that I had to see this movie. It was already out of theaters so I had to wait for it to come out to video. It was so well worth the wait. It was so beautifully done and everyone in it was so good. I can't help but really think about all that this movie implied. It was amazing for me.
The East was a movie about domestic terrorist organization that made the big businesses pay for what they had done. The oil companies, the pharmaceutical companies, the companies that dump waste into the rivers and lakes and contaminates the water table. They all had to pay for what they had done. And while I understand that it's against the law to try the kind of tactics, I more understand why they thought it was necessary to do it. And for that, I cried. I cried because sometimes, I feel like I am so naïve that I had no idea just how greedy people have become. I know that I too suffer from greed, but, I don't think that money should ever come at the cost of other people. And that's what was going on in this movie. A drug that had been toxic yet given out as an antibiotic and the side effects were horrible, yet, still prescribed. The gave it to the makers of the drug and they got to see what it was like to have a dose of their own medicine. An oil company that spilled oil had their house flooded with it. That company that dumped into the lakes, made to swim in it. And all of these people who made the money off of all these things, were in it all for the money.
I like money, I would like to have more of it, I LOVE to spend it. I don't think that if making it meant that I had to pollute the ocean, or the water table where so many live, or create a drug that could harm more than it will do good, then I don't want to make my fortune that way. I can't understand so much of why things go on these days. There is more greed in our world than ever and it makes me so sad that I cried for hours. I am so very sad that we have let something that really is a tool become what drives us. It's used to purchase toilet paper and milk and it has been corrupted so much that it doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process of acquiring it. I would like to think that there is still some good in the world and that others would see what we are doing to our earth and think twice about killing it. The need for nuclear power really scares me more than anything now. I see what has happened at the different places and I think it would be really a wise idea to harness the natural powers that world gives us to power our lives. Like using solar power and wind generators for our homes.
I am scared for the future of our world. It's not my generation that will have to deal with this, I think, it's Piper's grand kids that will have to deal with what we have done. We as a whole, not like it's all someone else's fault. We all have a hand in it, now, let's take our hands and see what good we can do with it instead. We can stop buying water and get a purifier instead. We can stop bashing the things that we don't like in our lives and instead promote what we do like. We can stop saying that the best way to cure something is to inject poison into our bodies. We can stop putting processed food into our bodies and start putting fresh fruits and vegetables into our bodies. Most importantly, we can stop the GMO and MSG in our foods. Eat only things that make our bodies happy... and that's not Oreo's that I'm talking about.
I hate that when I go to the store, and I see that all of the best fruits and vegetables are so ungodly expensive, making it nearly impossible to buy anything that is remotely healthy. Yet, if we go to say, McDonald's, they have burgers and fries and enormous sodas for $.99. I hate that it's damn near impossible to make a healthy meal without spending an arm and a leg.
Anyhow, I think that's enough of a rant for now, I have to get going... I am getting on the treadmill for another 30 minutes today. I would like to think that I will be thinner very soon, but, I don't know about that... it's funny, in my own sense of greed, I will do any number of Feng Shui things to help increase the energy of money so that it flows to me... yet, when it comes to me losing the weight that I know that I have to get off of me, I have a super hard time with it. I suppose if losing the weight would bring me infinite amount of money that I could use to help other do better and become more than they are, I would be super thin... maybe that's the real challenge... hmmm..... interesting...
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Thoughts to offer advice
This week, I have been thinking of the things that make us, people, happy in our lives. What is it that some have and others, just can't seem to get any off? Why do we have these lives that seem to take on so much and we find that we are not happy in any way?
I have got it. I figured it out. It is my experience that far too many of us, to start with, don't like ourselves. Why? What is it about us that just turns our stomachs? I am not too sure what it is for everyone, but, it took me a long time to get this one. It's that we see what we are, and we see what everyone else sees as beautiful and in our minds, the two just don't align with one another. But how to fix that, that's the real kicker.
To start with, we take a good look at ourselves. Get undressed and stand in front of the mirror and look at what we have been given. Get a good look at it. Really see what it is that bothers you the most. Is it really your body that makes you so upset or is it something that goes deeper? Realize that you only have this one body to do whatever it is that you are here to do. Like it or not, and if you don't like what you see, do something about it. I am not fond of what I see, but, I think that when I look into the mirror, I'm not too worried about how dimply my ass is, it's more about, what do others see when they see me? Do I reflect the light that I feel within myself? Do my eyes shine and sparkle? Can I smile with my eyes alone? Or is it something else? Do they see that I am angry or that I am just unhappy? Do they look at me and wonder why am I so sad, what is it about me that I don't like?
Me personally, I shine :) I am like a sparkly star that is here on earth and loves and feels joy and realizes that I am only here for a short while, so I want to be as happy as I can be. True, I have stress and I have life to deal with, but, I don't let that get to me. I still smile, and when it becomes too much, I cry.
I was reading this morning, in my Insight of the Day, that there are many people in this world who are so unhappy that they are like Dump Trucks and they just want to unload their shit all over you. And the trick is when they dump all that shit all over you, to just wave, smile and wish happiness and love to them. I would have to say that sometimes it is hard to not let it the shit get to me. I am tuned in to other people's energy and when they are in a bad mood I feel like I am being sucked dry of all my energy. In moments like this, I close my eyes and imagine a golden waterfall flowing over me head filling me up and that this gold is pouring from my hands into these people and that way I am not being drained of all my energy.
How did I get like this you may be wondering? What happened in my life that made me this way? Some times, I have bad days too. I feel like the whole world is falling down and I don't know what to do. It started when I was kicked out of the Navy. Less than a year later, my marriage was so completely falling apart and Joey left me. I was so lost and desperate and sad and depressed and unhappy. I had no clue how to smile. I felt like this empty thing left to wander this earth alone. I was lucky though. I had Piper to remind me that there was something worth living for. I knew that my sadness would only bring her sadness so I started slowly. I moved away from Joey. I was heartbroken that he never once asked me to stay. I moved back into my parents home and it was the hardest thing for me when the house was empty and I didn't know what to do.
I got a job, and working was a good thing. I began to date another man and that was nice. He was nice to me, and he made me smile. It was a huge ego boost for me. We only dated for a short while, but, we were still together a lot. In fact, he moved in with me for about 8 months. In April or May or June or 2009, I found my friend Jessica again. I was so happy to see her again. We started talking and with very little provocation, I was enrolled into the Therapeutic Massage Program at the local college. It just seemed like a good thing to do at the time, plus it would give me a career. By this time, I had been divorced for not a year yet, and the hardest thing I ever did, was sending Piper to stay with her dad while I was in school. It wasn't fair to her that I couldn't be around to give her what she needs, and Joey, being the dad he is, was very happy to let her come stay with him for that time.
What started as a way to get through life and find a career, turned into the event that changed my life. I first realized how toxic the relationship I had with my ex boyfriend was. So, after some prompting from a friend at work, I went for an Angel Reading. Not quite the same as a Tarot reading, mostly good things were told to me, and it was an amazing experience. She knew things about me, before I told her. She knew how hard life had been in the recent past, and what she did tell me, was, good things are in store for me, I just have to raise my vibration a lot and everything that I have been wanting will show up, almost as if by magic. I bought her book, it is 8 Keys: A Special Delivery Message From The Angels by Linda West.
Now, normally, I would read a book in one sitting and this one, took me a while. I had to do the meditations in there and really take a look at what I saw. She also suggested that I take a class she was doing at the college on my birthday. I didn't want to go. It was my birthday and I wanted to play, but, in the end, I went. The change within me was so great that in three weeks, she didn't even recognize me.
One thing this book taught was to forgive. Always, every time. Forgiveness is a huge thing and for so many, they just don't understand why they should do it. Here's why you should forgive. When we forgive others for the things that have hurt us, we let go of the anger and are open to new and happier things to happen. We forgive because we deserve to have peace. The hardest person to forgive is ourselves. So, yes, you have to forgive even yourself of all the things that you have done to hurt others. It may take time to do so, and you may be doing it for a while, but, I promise, without that anger inside, you will start to feel much better.
So, learn to love yourself, and forgive others and yourself. What else could there be in life to make you happy though? Love. I'm not saying that you should run out and find whomever is sitting there and just go for it. Decide that it's time, and if it's not, then stop worrying about it. You have to make yourself happy before you should take up the challenge of making anyone else happy. I took a good look at my past relationships and saw things that I didn't like, and instead of focusing on finding a man who wasn't all of those things, I made a list of things that I did want to find in him. I wanted him be like me first. I wanted him to say nice things to me. I wanted someone who was smarter than I am so I have someone who would challenge me to do more and be more and achieve more than what I had. I wanted to find someone who only saw me in black and white, because I think I look so much better in black and white. And when I stopped thinking of a man that I didn't want, and started to think about finding a mate and a partner whom I did want, it was a very short amount of time before I discovered that he had been sitting next to me for the past 6 months.
From Thomas, I have learned to like my kids as people and to appreciate the individuals that they are. I have learned that when it comes to paperwork, he has the worst luck, but that doesn't stop me. I have learned to deal with a lot more stress than I ever thought possible, and through it, I have learned that I can improve more upon myself.
I know that I am a selfish, self absorbed female who doesn't always think of others. But I am working on that. I know that I need to learn to do more around the house instead of bitching, and I am working on that as well. I know that if I want to have my clothes cleaned, then I need to get up off of my ass and do the laundry... and so I do.
Happiness has not always been this easy for me. And I still have days where I feel like shit, or I am feel that I am causing extreme displeasure, but, I keep going, knowing that my happiness is dependent only on myself. I make the choice to be happy, and I make the choice to smile. I like to smile, smiling is my favorite thing. I don't' like my own smile, but, I don't have to see it :) For me, happiness is being at peace with myself and the world around me. I cannot say that it's always peaceful here, but, we try. (Haha, we, like I have this mouse in my pocket right :)
I still have much to work on, like I should really start to vocalize when I am upset and not be so forgiving when someone hurts my feelings and I know that I shouldn't cry so much, but, I do. It's what I do. I think crying is a way of washing all the bad feelings out of my soul. It's like, cleaning.
For you, to be happy may not be the same things that it is for me, and that's totally OK with me. I know what makes me happy, and I have found joy in the life that I have. I want more sure, but, that is mostly that I want Publisher's Clearing House to come to my door with a check for like $8,500.00 every week for the rest of my life. Or to check my Power Ball tickets and find that I have just won like $46,000,000.00. That would be awesome, but, if it doesn't happen, I'm not going to let that bother me. I find happiness in finding pennies on the ground, and I feel rich when I find more.. like a nickel, or even a quarter.
What makes me happy? My Love, my family, my friends.... My life!
I have got it. I figured it out. It is my experience that far too many of us, to start with, don't like ourselves. Why? What is it about us that just turns our stomachs? I am not too sure what it is for everyone, but, it took me a long time to get this one. It's that we see what we are, and we see what everyone else sees as beautiful and in our minds, the two just don't align with one another. But how to fix that, that's the real kicker.
To start with, we take a good look at ourselves. Get undressed and stand in front of the mirror and look at what we have been given. Get a good look at it. Really see what it is that bothers you the most. Is it really your body that makes you so upset or is it something that goes deeper? Realize that you only have this one body to do whatever it is that you are here to do. Like it or not, and if you don't like what you see, do something about it. I am not fond of what I see, but, I think that when I look into the mirror, I'm not too worried about how dimply my ass is, it's more about, what do others see when they see me? Do I reflect the light that I feel within myself? Do my eyes shine and sparkle? Can I smile with my eyes alone? Or is it something else? Do they see that I am angry or that I am just unhappy? Do they look at me and wonder why am I so sad, what is it about me that I don't like?
Me personally, I shine :) I am like a sparkly star that is here on earth and loves and feels joy and realizes that I am only here for a short while, so I want to be as happy as I can be. True, I have stress and I have life to deal with, but, I don't let that get to me. I still smile, and when it becomes too much, I cry.
I was reading this morning, in my Insight of the Day, that there are many people in this world who are so unhappy that they are like Dump Trucks and they just want to unload their shit all over you. And the trick is when they dump all that shit all over you, to just wave, smile and wish happiness and love to them. I would have to say that sometimes it is hard to not let it the shit get to me. I am tuned in to other people's energy and when they are in a bad mood I feel like I am being sucked dry of all my energy. In moments like this, I close my eyes and imagine a golden waterfall flowing over me head filling me up and that this gold is pouring from my hands into these people and that way I am not being drained of all my energy.
How did I get like this you may be wondering? What happened in my life that made me this way? Some times, I have bad days too. I feel like the whole world is falling down and I don't know what to do. It started when I was kicked out of the Navy. Less than a year later, my marriage was so completely falling apart and Joey left me. I was so lost and desperate and sad and depressed and unhappy. I had no clue how to smile. I felt like this empty thing left to wander this earth alone. I was lucky though. I had Piper to remind me that there was something worth living for. I knew that my sadness would only bring her sadness so I started slowly. I moved away from Joey. I was heartbroken that he never once asked me to stay. I moved back into my parents home and it was the hardest thing for me when the house was empty and I didn't know what to do.
I got a job, and working was a good thing. I began to date another man and that was nice. He was nice to me, and he made me smile. It was a huge ego boost for me. We only dated for a short while, but, we were still together a lot. In fact, he moved in with me for about 8 months. In April or May or June or 2009, I found my friend Jessica again. I was so happy to see her again. We started talking and with very little provocation, I was enrolled into the Therapeutic Massage Program at the local college. It just seemed like a good thing to do at the time, plus it would give me a career. By this time, I had been divorced for not a year yet, and the hardest thing I ever did, was sending Piper to stay with her dad while I was in school. It wasn't fair to her that I couldn't be around to give her what she needs, and Joey, being the dad he is, was very happy to let her come stay with him for that time.
What started as a way to get through life and find a career, turned into the event that changed my life. I first realized how toxic the relationship I had with my ex boyfriend was. So, after some prompting from a friend at work, I went for an Angel Reading. Not quite the same as a Tarot reading, mostly good things were told to me, and it was an amazing experience. She knew things about me, before I told her. She knew how hard life had been in the recent past, and what she did tell me, was, good things are in store for me, I just have to raise my vibration a lot and everything that I have been wanting will show up, almost as if by magic. I bought her book, it is 8 Keys: A Special Delivery Message From The Angels by Linda West.
Now, normally, I would read a book in one sitting and this one, took me a while. I had to do the meditations in there and really take a look at what I saw. She also suggested that I take a class she was doing at the college on my birthday. I didn't want to go. It was my birthday and I wanted to play, but, in the end, I went. The change within me was so great that in three weeks, she didn't even recognize me.
One thing this book taught was to forgive. Always, every time. Forgiveness is a huge thing and for so many, they just don't understand why they should do it. Here's why you should forgive. When we forgive others for the things that have hurt us, we let go of the anger and are open to new and happier things to happen. We forgive because we deserve to have peace. The hardest person to forgive is ourselves. So, yes, you have to forgive even yourself of all the things that you have done to hurt others. It may take time to do so, and you may be doing it for a while, but, I promise, without that anger inside, you will start to feel much better.
So, learn to love yourself, and forgive others and yourself. What else could there be in life to make you happy though? Love. I'm not saying that you should run out and find whomever is sitting there and just go for it. Decide that it's time, and if it's not, then stop worrying about it. You have to make yourself happy before you should take up the challenge of making anyone else happy. I took a good look at my past relationships and saw things that I didn't like, and instead of focusing on finding a man who wasn't all of those things, I made a list of things that I did want to find in him. I wanted him be like me first. I wanted him to say nice things to me. I wanted someone who was smarter than I am so I have someone who would challenge me to do more and be more and achieve more than what I had. I wanted to find someone who only saw me in black and white, because I think I look so much better in black and white. And when I stopped thinking of a man that I didn't want, and started to think about finding a mate and a partner whom I did want, it was a very short amount of time before I discovered that he had been sitting next to me for the past 6 months.
From Thomas, I have learned to like my kids as people and to appreciate the individuals that they are. I have learned that when it comes to paperwork, he has the worst luck, but that doesn't stop me. I have learned to deal with a lot more stress than I ever thought possible, and through it, I have learned that I can improve more upon myself.
I know that I am a selfish, self absorbed female who doesn't always think of others. But I am working on that. I know that I need to learn to do more around the house instead of bitching, and I am working on that as well. I know that if I want to have my clothes cleaned, then I need to get up off of my ass and do the laundry... and so I do.
Happiness has not always been this easy for me. And I still have days where I feel like shit, or I am feel that I am causing extreme displeasure, but, I keep going, knowing that my happiness is dependent only on myself. I make the choice to be happy, and I make the choice to smile. I like to smile, smiling is my favorite thing. I don't' like my own smile, but, I don't have to see it :) For me, happiness is being at peace with myself and the world around me. I cannot say that it's always peaceful here, but, we try. (Haha, we, like I have this mouse in my pocket right :)
I still have much to work on, like I should really start to vocalize when I am upset and not be so forgiving when someone hurts my feelings and I know that I shouldn't cry so much, but, I do. It's what I do. I think crying is a way of washing all the bad feelings out of my soul. It's like, cleaning.
For you, to be happy may not be the same things that it is for me, and that's totally OK with me. I know what makes me happy, and I have found joy in the life that I have. I want more sure, but, that is mostly that I want Publisher's Clearing House to come to my door with a check for like $8,500.00 every week for the rest of my life. Or to check my Power Ball tickets and find that I have just won like $46,000,000.00. That would be awesome, but, if it doesn't happen, I'm not going to let that bother me. I find happiness in finding pennies on the ground, and I feel rich when I find more.. like a nickel, or even a quarter.
What makes me happy? My Love, my family, my friends.... My life!
The most important kind of freedom
"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first." ~ Jim Morrison
I saw this quote tonight while going through facebook, and as I was scrolling through the comments, one stuck me as a person who totally missed the whole thing. He said "Words from a acid head....great speech look were he is today, 6 feet under. Lol" I was taken back to say the least. The other comments were how poetic he was, how much he was ahead of his time, and then, some yuppie type who doesn't know anything about what he was talking about, makes a comment like that. Wow. I feel bad for that man for a few reasons. The first is because he is just that uninformed about what Jim Morrison was all about, what he stood for, what he did, and the reasons behind it. True, he did a lot of drugs. And yes, he is dead. Part of the 27 club in fact. He is buried in Paris, the city of love. He was so much more than what we, even with our technology and forethought and everything that we have now, he was way far ahead of us even now.
Freedom, we seem to take the for granted in this country. But, what kind of freedom do we really have here? I have the freedom of speech, given to me by the Bill of Rights. Meaning, I can say what I wish and not have the fear of being taken prisoner and sent to, say, Siberia for saying anything. Or is it deeper than that. I can't make threats, and, for me personally, I can't be mean to others for the sake of being mean. I like this freedom, it gives me the opportunity to write this blog, to speak out against what I think is wrong, and yet, I like to be able to provide a solution for what I don't agree with. Sometimes my solution is not exactly, politically correct, so if I run for president next year, then I will have lots of explaining to do, but, today, I don't care if I offend. I try not to, but, it happens, and when it does, I just tell you, that my opinion, if you don't like it, that is OK, we don't have to agree with everything.
I have the freedom to practice any religion that I chose in this country, and I know that not all places on our planet are like that, and so I am grateful for that, and yet, I find it disturbing that so many others use their religion to persecute others for their beliefs. That doesn't make sense to me, but, many things don't. I can chose to live my life the way it fits for me, and if I make choices that don't agree with say, The Church, then, I'm going to hell and I can't live like that because it doesn't agree with a book. Yup, that's freedom all right.
I have the freedom to own and carry a firearm. Yet, when people do, others look at them like they have magically grown another head. You hear, what do you need to carry that for? What are you afraid of? And I like what Thomas says when he's asked... Because I can, because it's my RIGHT, and I'm not afraid of anything.
I have the freedom to express myself how I like, unless I want to get a job in many places because, well, they don't' think that respectable people have nose rings, or tattoos. Not really free there, but, whatever.
And then free from myself. What is it about self realization that makes us free? What is about self realization that makes so many want to get there, and yet, they continue to search and never find the answer. The answer has always and will always be only one place that many are so scared to look. It lies within you. And what I don't understand all of the time, is why is our minds such a scary place? I wonder often, that, do people listen to things to drowned out their thoughts because deep down, they wish harm to others and then they think that makes them a bad person, so they block that out. I like to hear my thoughts. In fact, I like to focus to see what's really going on in my head, and to do that, I have to be outside. In the sunlight. I don't know why, but, for me, that's when I hear myself the best. And some of the things that I think about are not how to improve upon myself, it's more about, what is next in life, what is coming up, where do I see myself going with this. Sometimes I wonder about other people, but, I don't' see that as being very effective for me, because, I can't change other people, all I can do is be the change that I want to see in the world.
So the question to you now becomes, are you free, really truly free?
I saw this quote tonight while going through facebook, and as I was scrolling through the comments, one stuck me as a person who totally missed the whole thing. He said "Words from a acid head....great speech look were he is today, 6 feet under. Lol" I was taken back to say the least. The other comments were how poetic he was, how much he was ahead of his time, and then, some yuppie type who doesn't know anything about what he was talking about, makes a comment like that. Wow. I feel bad for that man for a few reasons. The first is because he is just that uninformed about what Jim Morrison was all about, what he stood for, what he did, and the reasons behind it. True, he did a lot of drugs. And yes, he is dead. Part of the 27 club in fact. He is buried in Paris, the city of love. He was so much more than what we, even with our technology and forethought and everything that we have now, he was way far ahead of us even now.
Freedom, we seem to take the for granted in this country. But, what kind of freedom do we really have here? I have the freedom of speech, given to me by the Bill of Rights. Meaning, I can say what I wish and not have the fear of being taken prisoner and sent to, say, Siberia for saying anything. Or is it deeper than that. I can't make threats, and, for me personally, I can't be mean to others for the sake of being mean. I like this freedom, it gives me the opportunity to write this blog, to speak out against what I think is wrong, and yet, I like to be able to provide a solution for what I don't agree with. Sometimes my solution is not exactly, politically correct, so if I run for president next year, then I will have lots of explaining to do, but, today, I don't care if I offend. I try not to, but, it happens, and when it does, I just tell you, that my opinion, if you don't like it, that is OK, we don't have to agree with everything.
I have the freedom to practice any religion that I chose in this country, and I know that not all places on our planet are like that, and so I am grateful for that, and yet, I find it disturbing that so many others use their religion to persecute others for their beliefs. That doesn't make sense to me, but, many things don't. I can chose to live my life the way it fits for me, and if I make choices that don't agree with say, The Church, then, I'm going to hell and I can't live like that because it doesn't agree with a book. Yup, that's freedom all right.
I have the freedom to own and carry a firearm. Yet, when people do, others look at them like they have magically grown another head. You hear, what do you need to carry that for? What are you afraid of? And I like what Thomas says when he's asked... Because I can, because it's my RIGHT, and I'm not afraid of anything.
I have the freedom to express myself how I like, unless I want to get a job in many places because, well, they don't' think that respectable people have nose rings, or tattoos. Not really free there, but, whatever.
And then free from myself. What is it about self realization that makes us free? What is about self realization that makes so many want to get there, and yet, they continue to search and never find the answer. The answer has always and will always be only one place that many are so scared to look. It lies within you. And what I don't understand all of the time, is why is our minds such a scary place? I wonder often, that, do people listen to things to drowned out their thoughts because deep down, they wish harm to others and then they think that makes them a bad person, so they block that out. I like to hear my thoughts. In fact, I like to focus to see what's really going on in my head, and to do that, I have to be outside. In the sunlight. I don't know why, but, for me, that's when I hear myself the best. And some of the things that I think about are not how to improve upon myself, it's more about, what is next in life, what is coming up, where do I see myself going with this. Sometimes I wonder about other people, but, I don't' see that as being very effective for me, because, I can't change other people, all I can do is be the change that I want to see in the world.
So the question to you now becomes, are you free, really truly free?
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Teaching Respect and love
This morning, I was reading an old issue of Rolling Stone magazine, it was from October 10th of this year, and I was reading about being a gay teen in the bible belt of America. It was really disturbing. Not because I am opposed to anyone being gay or straight, but, by the way that schools in America can kick you out, if you tell them you are gay. These schools are the Christian schools, and the article was talking about schools in Georgia specifically.
Now, for the record, I do not believe in religion. I don't believe that any one of us is better than anyone else and I don't believe that making someone conform to your religious beliefs because of what some book says is an acceptable form of discrimination. Every single person on this planet is a person and deserves to be treated as such, without fear of retaliation due to any preference. I think that every person can teach us something, and if we are too focused on our differences, then we will fail to see how we are all brothers and sisters of this earth. We are all people, we are all mammals, born to parents, under many different circumstances. We have brown, black, white, yellow, red skin and blue, green, hazel, brown, black, violet and dichromatic eyes. Our hair grows out on top of our heads and we speak to one another through our written languages, and songs and poetry, and stories. There is few things greater in life than being in love and having that love returned to us. And all of us want to feel safe and accepted by our families and our friends. And then we are taught about religion.
I think it's one thing to have some sort of faith, yet a totally different thing to practice a religion. It's religion that has rules and regulations that were put forth by MAN to control the masses through fear and guilt. It was MAN who wrote that book that so many cling to like some sort of only word there was. And yes, some will say that it was through the holy spirit that these books were written, but, tell me, why did they need to go through so many edits, over 150, for a book to be put out. If my Anne Rice's books went through that many edits, I am sure that the meaning of it would be lost within the first 10 edits. Why does this book make it seem like all women are evil and should be treated as less than humans? In fact, didn't these edits take out some of the book that were indeed written by females, with only two women's stories that made the edits, Ester and Ruth? Why are all the women, save these two (well, actually three, Naomi is in the book of Ruth and she's not the devil) given roles such as the harlot and the traitor and that prostitute and the one who killed the garden for Adam and the ones who have no will power and the jealous ones? You don't think that men have the ability to have some of the same qualities, but, we can't put that out that men are like this, it would destroy the ploy to have women seem like we are insignificant to man, and only good for our ovaries.
No, I'm not angry over this, and don't really get me going about some of the time line issues that I have with the that book. Many things just do not line up at all with what the time lines are. Back to the issue. I was horrified and saddened to think that people who proclaim to be such great humans are the ones who are assaulting, harassing, and bullying those they don't understand. Way to go, fucking Christians. I have said this more than once, if you're so good and kind and look I'm going to heaven because I'm such a nice person, why do you feel the need to berate someone you don't know/understand? I don't know about you, I was raised going to church, reading the bible, having a great time with the youth group, all that jazz, but, here is what I don't understand. I was told that because of Christ, the old testament would now be considered more like a history part of the book and all the old ways were thrown out and we were to live by the laws set forth in the new testament... I could be totally wrong, but, this is what I remember, and it has been quite a while since I read it... but, in this new testament, it states, Love one another as yourself, God is love, God is a loving God, yet, what is being shown to me by these 'good Christians' is that their god is not like this. If they were to live a life of a good person that they are trying to perceive, then we wouldn't have all these issues.
So why do we have this intolerance of others? I have many friends who are gay or lesbian or transgender and personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't look at them any different than I would my own sister (doesn't matter which sister, but you get the gist). There is NOTHING wrong these people. They are people who are trying to make sense of their lives, just as any other person on this earth is trying to do. What's the problem then? If a couple of men or women want to get married, does that invalidate your marriage? Does it affect you in any way? No and no. I am sickened to think that this is going on, and I am so angry with the ones who think they are better than anyone else because they are straight. How dare you try to pigeon hole anyone into some little square peg because of your own religious convictions!
But the biggest problem that I see with this is these kids are the ones who are suffering and it's been going on for long time, and it will continue to go on as long as we continue to teach hate to our kids. You know what I hate, tomatoes. And button mushrooms. I do not hate a person because of who they are. I love women. They are such soft kissers and they are so much different then men. I could totally sleep with women, but, I have a lot of respect for anyone who dates a woman. We are all crazy! Seriously, fucking nuts here! I have slept with women before and I can honestly say, I enjoyed it. I have a thing for this totally cute girl who works at the grocery store, she is so fucking cute... LOVE HER! I don't get excited over women that much any more. I am pretty much settled, but, every once in a while, I still think about it. Judy, my Princess, my girlfriend. I love her forever and ever. And, yes, I have slept her.
I want to change this for kids. I want to make it a better place for those who think that they have to hide who they truly are because our society is not ready for them. It's not their fault and it's not acceptable to treat them any less than you would treat any other person. So, what can be done? I am unsure, but, when I know, I am there. I support LGBT individuals. I still don't see them as any different than anyone else, and it baffles my mind that it goes on.
When I was in California, I had a roommate, name was Ed. I love Ed to death, but, he was so afraid of gay men. I had to sit him down one night and ask, why. I didn't know any man who was attracted to Ed. And even if they were, they never said anything to him. He was always so paranoid that a man would hit on him. What a nice compliment, to have someone hit on you. Always made me feel so good that another person found me attractive enough to want to do anything with me. Fuck, I mean, it never happened when I was in high school, so to have it happen at all, I was pretty stoked about it. I don't understand the hate that goes into this, really, it makes my head spin. I have found that so many are hurting to be themselves and they are so scared that no one will accept them for it. I can't say that high school was easy, it's not. But to have the level of difficultly exponentially increased because of sexual preference, well, that shouldn't come into play.
Perhaps what needs to start happening here is a school to be opened that doesn't allow redneck idiot motherfuckers in it. Maybe we should have schools that promote being yourself, no matter what that is. I hate to see the whole segregation thing come into play though... This isn't how life should be, but, what else can be done? There will always be bullies in schools who think they are so tough, and there will always be kids who will be picked on for a variety of reasons. Let's stop making sex one of those reasons. Life is what you make of it, but, if that's true, why do so many have to make it so hard on other people? There will always be ups and downs, and there is an ebb and flow to life, but, why do we teach our kids that it's OK to make it miserable for the ones that we don't understand?
This week, I begin to teach Piper meditation. I am hoping that I can somehow instill in her respect for all living things. I am not sure how to go about it, but, I am going to start with breathing. Imagining I am inhaling gratitude and exhaling love. I think that if we could all teach our kids basic respect of all human life, we would be onto something. So that's where I am at. Teaching the one person whom I have to mold and meld breathing, love, tolerance, acceptance, and respect. No, I am not leaving that to school or to church, it's MY job, as a parent to teach her these things. It's MY job to be the example of these things. I hope that I do good job.
To all those who have been bullied and hurt as a child or a teen or an adult, I applaud you. I will be here with you to take a stand against those who will try to oppress you or tell you that you are less than a human because of who you are. We're not going to take it anymore, and I am with you!
Now, for the record, I do not believe in religion. I don't believe that any one of us is better than anyone else and I don't believe that making someone conform to your religious beliefs because of what some book says is an acceptable form of discrimination. Every single person on this planet is a person and deserves to be treated as such, without fear of retaliation due to any preference. I think that every person can teach us something, and if we are too focused on our differences, then we will fail to see how we are all brothers and sisters of this earth. We are all people, we are all mammals, born to parents, under many different circumstances. We have brown, black, white, yellow, red skin and blue, green, hazel, brown, black, violet and dichromatic eyes. Our hair grows out on top of our heads and we speak to one another through our written languages, and songs and poetry, and stories. There is few things greater in life than being in love and having that love returned to us. And all of us want to feel safe and accepted by our families and our friends. And then we are taught about religion.
I think it's one thing to have some sort of faith, yet a totally different thing to practice a religion. It's religion that has rules and regulations that were put forth by MAN to control the masses through fear and guilt. It was MAN who wrote that book that so many cling to like some sort of only word there was. And yes, some will say that it was through the holy spirit that these books were written, but, tell me, why did they need to go through so many edits, over 150, for a book to be put out. If my Anne Rice's books went through that many edits, I am sure that the meaning of it would be lost within the first 10 edits. Why does this book make it seem like all women are evil and should be treated as less than humans? In fact, didn't these edits take out some of the book that were indeed written by females, with only two women's stories that made the edits, Ester and Ruth? Why are all the women, save these two (well, actually three, Naomi is in the book of Ruth and she's not the devil) given roles such as the harlot and the traitor and that prostitute and the one who killed the garden for Adam and the ones who have no will power and the jealous ones? You don't think that men have the ability to have some of the same qualities, but, we can't put that out that men are like this, it would destroy the ploy to have women seem like we are insignificant to man, and only good for our ovaries.
No, I'm not angry over this, and don't really get me going about some of the time line issues that I have with the that book. Many things just do not line up at all with what the time lines are. Back to the issue. I was horrified and saddened to think that people who proclaim to be such great humans are the ones who are assaulting, harassing, and bullying those they don't understand. Way to go, fucking Christians. I have said this more than once, if you're so good and kind and look I'm going to heaven because I'm such a nice person, why do you feel the need to berate someone you don't know/understand? I don't know about you, I was raised going to church, reading the bible, having a great time with the youth group, all that jazz, but, here is what I don't understand. I was told that because of Christ, the old testament would now be considered more like a history part of the book and all the old ways were thrown out and we were to live by the laws set forth in the new testament... I could be totally wrong, but, this is what I remember, and it has been quite a while since I read it... but, in this new testament, it states, Love one another as yourself, God is love, God is a loving God, yet, what is being shown to me by these 'good Christians' is that their god is not like this. If they were to live a life of a good person that they are trying to perceive, then we wouldn't have all these issues.
So why do we have this intolerance of others? I have many friends who are gay or lesbian or transgender and personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't look at them any different than I would my own sister (doesn't matter which sister, but you get the gist). There is NOTHING wrong these people. They are people who are trying to make sense of their lives, just as any other person on this earth is trying to do. What's the problem then? If a couple of men or women want to get married, does that invalidate your marriage? Does it affect you in any way? No and no. I am sickened to think that this is going on, and I am so angry with the ones who think they are better than anyone else because they are straight. How dare you try to pigeon hole anyone into some little square peg because of your own religious convictions!
But the biggest problem that I see with this is these kids are the ones who are suffering and it's been going on for long time, and it will continue to go on as long as we continue to teach hate to our kids. You know what I hate, tomatoes. And button mushrooms. I do not hate a person because of who they are. I love women. They are such soft kissers and they are so much different then men. I could totally sleep with women, but, I have a lot of respect for anyone who dates a woman. We are all crazy! Seriously, fucking nuts here! I have slept with women before and I can honestly say, I enjoyed it. I have a thing for this totally cute girl who works at the grocery store, she is so fucking cute... LOVE HER! I don't get excited over women that much any more. I am pretty much settled, but, every once in a while, I still think about it. Judy, my Princess, my girlfriend. I love her forever and ever. And, yes, I have slept her.
I want to change this for kids. I want to make it a better place for those who think that they have to hide who they truly are because our society is not ready for them. It's not their fault and it's not acceptable to treat them any less than you would treat any other person. So, what can be done? I am unsure, but, when I know, I am there. I support LGBT individuals. I still don't see them as any different than anyone else, and it baffles my mind that it goes on.
When I was in California, I had a roommate, name was Ed. I love Ed to death, but, he was so afraid of gay men. I had to sit him down one night and ask, why. I didn't know any man who was attracted to Ed. And even if they were, they never said anything to him. He was always so paranoid that a man would hit on him. What a nice compliment, to have someone hit on you. Always made me feel so good that another person found me attractive enough to want to do anything with me. Fuck, I mean, it never happened when I was in high school, so to have it happen at all, I was pretty stoked about it. I don't understand the hate that goes into this, really, it makes my head spin. I have found that so many are hurting to be themselves and they are so scared that no one will accept them for it. I can't say that high school was easy, it's not. But to have the level of difficultly exponentially increased because of sexual preference, well, that shouldn't come into play.
Perhaps what needs to start happening here is a school to be opened that doesn't allow redneck idiot motherfuckers in it. Maybe we should have schools that promote being yourself, no matter what that is. I hate to see the whole segregation thing come into play though... This isn't how life should be, but, what else can be done? There will always be bullies in schools who think they are so tough, and there will always be kids who will be picked on for a variety of reasons. Let's stop making sex one of those reasons. Life is what you make of it, but, if that's true, why do so many have to make it so hard on other people? There will always be ups and downs, and there is an ebb and flow to life, but, why do we teach our kids that it's OK to make it miserable for the ones that we don't understand?
This week, I begin to teach Piper meditation. I am hoping that I can somehow instill in her respect for all living things. I am not sure how to go about it, but, I am going to start with breathing. Imagining I am inhaling gratitude and exhaling love. I think that if we could all teach our kids basic respect of all human life, we would be onto something. So that's where I am at. Teaching the one person whom I have to mold and meld breathing, love, tolerance, acceptance, and respect. No, I am not leaving that to school or to church, it's MY job, as a parent to teach her these things. It's MY job to be the example of these things. I hope that I do good job.
To all those who have been bullied and hurt as a child or a teen or an adult, I applaud you. I will be here with you to take a stand against those who will try to oppress you or tell you that you are less than a human because of who you are. We're not going to take it anymore, and I am with you!
Friday, October 18, 2013
Things that make you go hmmmm....
Last week, I was talking to a friend, and I was loving how she made a schedule of everything to do in the day. I laughed at putting in a shower daily, but, when she told me how some days, it just doesn't happen, I thought it was a good idea to ensure that getting clean was on the daily "to do" list.... so we laughed. We got to talking about how her life got to a point where she needed to have the schedule in the first place. I envy her, but not in the jealous kind of way, I am happy for her success and I truly hope that she continues to be even more successful, but in an envy like, oh the life, kind of way.
As the conversation progressed, she told me, you are a good writer, you should write a book. To which I replied that I am not a fiction kind of girl. I like to talk about things I know about, like life. I think truth is much stranger than fiction any day! Though it does take the fun out of the fantasy genre if we can't have werewolves or vampires or zombies or The world of Harry Potter, whom, we all love. I blew off the idea until last night, though, I am not too sure what I would write about. I love to read and watch movies and I think if it was ever made into a movie, which of course it would be, I would have to have Kevin Smith to direct, and add his touches too. The part of me would be played by someone really awesome, who could capture me, and after seeing her role in Percy Jackson and the Olympians The Lightning Thief, could be no other than Rosario Dawson. I love her work!!
Anyhow, total tangent there, but, my life specifically would have to be what I would write about. I mean, I write about it now, and I laugh at what things happen to me and things that happen to family and sometimes, what happens to other people. I have funny things that I observe about the items we find everyday. In fact, I have notebooks filled with my funny thoughts, I have been doing that since high school. I love to read fiction, it gives me the idea of a life that I can escape into. Like, A Wrinkle in Time or the ones that I am reading now, The Mystic Wolves Series, which I am loving them! I love being able to read the next one in the series as she writes it... Lucky me! But what really makes me think about things are the books that are non-fiction. I like to learn about people who were living in the slums or on the streets and then they are multi-millionaires. I love to learn about how they did it and it makes me realize that I can do that too. I am not too sure how it's going to happen, but, I know that it will. I can feel that I am on the verge of greatness, I am there really. It's happening right now, my ships come in, on a calm sea under grace, in perfect ways. I know it sounds crazy, but, it's true.
I was on Facebook a bit ago, and there was an article about beauty and it said that what our perception of beauty is, is based of what the media tell us it is. I was so mad because, here I am saying the exact same thing, though, slightly ever so less articulate than this man, but, I was amazed that I have the same ideas as other much more well known author. And I was kind of mad at my friend who posted it, not because I was mad at her, but, if she thought enough of it to agree with him, why didn't she agree and re post what I had to say. I think I would have to agree on the beauty thing, the first step to being beautiful, is to love ones self. I don't know if I could stand in front of the mirror naked and really look at myself, (mainly because our mirrors are up tall and I don't stand that tall) but, to really accept all the parts of me that I see as a flaw. But, why do I see it as a flaw. I think I will go back and forth on this one for a while, probably as long as I live.
I like me. I would go so far as to say that I love myself. It's taken me many years to get to a point where I can say that too. I used a lot of alcohol and drugs to escape myself for a long time, and now, I don't need to escape. I know what I don't like about me, but, it doesn't mean that I can't be alone, it just means that there is always room for improvement. I think it was from the Dali Lama who said, "You are perfect just the way you are. There is always room for improvement" I agree with him. I often ask Thomas about this. Is it knowing that I have things that I don't like and accept those parts of me, or is about changing what I don't like? I keep resolving to change the wobbly bits of me because I don't' like them, yet, I still haven't made an attempt to do anything about it. Does that mean that I accept it and just love it subconsciously? I can tell you that I do NOT love going to buy bigger clothes, yet, Thomas keeps telling me that I look good where I'm at. I think he's trying to get me really big. I can feel myself pushing maximum density here if I let him continue to feed me the way he does. But he loves to cook, and well, I love to eat.
Back to the book idea, I started to write a children's book last year. I have yet to finish it. I loved the idea of it though. In fact I started to work on two books last year. One was about my life in the military, what an adventure that was, and the other, was for Piper, so she could have a story that was written just for her, with elements of her dad and her Godfather in it... They were the ones who came up with the magical blue pony in the first place. I will have them done before my birthday next year, 2014. Whether or not they are published is another matter, but, I will get them done, and people will know who I am. I hope that they will find me as endearing as I found someone like, Bridget Jones... I so love her!
And for the record, I have to bitch for a moment. Not that I think it makes a difference or not, but, I have told Thomas about how much this really bothered me and I think it's just eating me up and makes me mad. So, I was working at the market one day, and a very nice couple came up and the gentleman said that "I love you and I hate you. I think every week that I should call you for a massage, and then I remember that you don't live in ___." And I was flattered by that, it really made my day, until, I heard, another person say they were so much better at it than me. I felt so invalidated and I was really upset by that. And do I say anything about it, no? I didn't. Instead, I just let it fester in me until now, when I am finally asking myself why do I continue to work with anyone who is like this. I have put some serious thought into will I work with them again... next year, I mean. I don't know. I love her, and I love working with her, but, it's little things like that, that make it really hard to do so. Who knows what the year will bring though... I could be living in Oregon by then :)
I had a friend come over for dinner tonight, it was so nice to have a girlfriend over again. We talked and laughed and had so much fun, I had forgotten what it was like to just have girl fun. She is home now, and Piper is in my bed tonight. I am waiting for the moon. Tonight, it's the Blood Moon, and I really wanted to do some meditating while the light of that amazing moon shining on me. I like to do that, however, I tend to think of it the day after the full moon though... not tonight. Thomas is out camping, so, for me, it's the perfect night for it. I long to have my own home where I can sit out on the lawn, naked if I want, and just enjoy the full moon... or dance naked in the rain. It's all good though, right now, tonight is all I am going to focus on. That and I what I want... I have no idea what I want, other than my family safe and happy, a home of our own, a business that I am proud of, and love and happiness and a sense of inner peace... I have them all now, I just want to make it all much bigger. Give the girls an opportunity to go the college of their choice, and have my own bathroom..
Anyhow, it's almost time to go outside. It's going to be cold out, so I have to ensure that I am bundled up. Goodnight all, Peace
As the conversation progressed, she told me, you are a good writer, you should write a book. To which I replied that I am not a fiction kind of girl. I like to talk about things I know about, like life. I think truth is much stranger than fiction any day! Though it does take the fun out of the fantasy genre if we can't have werewolves or vampires or zombies or The world of Harry Potter, whom, we all love. I blew off the idea until last night, though, I am not too sure what I would write about. I love to read and watch movies and I think if it was ever made into a movie, which of course it would be, I would have to have Kevin Smith to direct, and add his touches too. The part of me would be played by someone really awesome, who could capture me, and after seeing her role in Percy Jackson and the Olympians The Lightning Thief, could be no other than Rosario Dawson. I love her work!!
Anyhow, total tangent there, but, my life specifically would have to be what I would write about. I mean, I write about it now, and I laugh at what things happen to me and things that happen to family and sometimes, what happens to other people. I have funny things that I observe about the items we find everyday. In fact, I have notebooks filled with my funny thoughts, I have been doing that since high school. I love to read fiction, it gives me the idea of a life that I can escape into. Like, A Wrinkle in Time or the ones that I am reading now, The Mystic Wolves Series, which I am loving them! I love being able to read the next one in the series as she writes it... Lucky me! But what really makes me think about things are the books that are non-fiction. I like to learn about people who were living in the slums or on the streets and then they are multi-millionaires. I love to learn about how they did it and it makes me realize that I can do that too. I am not too sure how it's going to happen, but, I know that it will. I can feel that I am on the verge of greatness, I am there really. It's happening right now, my ships come in, on a calm sea under grace, in perfect ways. I know it sounds crazy, but, it's true.
I was on Facebook a bit ago, and there was an article about beauty and it said that what our perception of beauty is, is based of what the media tell us it is. I was so mad because, here I am saying the exact same thing, though, slightly ever so less articulate than this man, but, I was amazed that I have the same ideas as other much more well known author. And I was kind of mad at my friend who posted it, not because I was mad at her, but, if she thought enough of it to agree with him, why didn't she agree and re post what I had to say. I think I would have to agree on the beauty thing, the first step to being beautiful, is to love ones self. I don't know if I could stand in front of the mirror naked and really look at myself, (mainly because our mirrors are up tall and I don't stand that tall) but, to really accept all the parts of me that I see as a flaw. But, why do I see it as a flaw. I think I will go back and forth on this one for a while, probably as long as I live.
I like me. I would go so far as to say that I love myself. It's taken me many years to get to a point where I can say that too. I used a lot of alcohol and drugs to escape myself for a long time, and now, I don't need to escape. I know what I don't like about me, but, it doesn't mean that I can't be alone, it just means that there is always room for improvement. I think it was from the Dali Lama who said, "You are perfect just the way you are. There is always room for improvement" I agree with him. I often ask Thomas about this. Is it knowing that I have things that I don't like and accept those parts of me, or is about changing what I don't like? I keep resolving to change the wobbly bits of me because I don't' like them, yet, I still haven't made an attempt to do anything about it. Does that mean that I accept it and just love it subconsciously? I can tell you that I do NOT love going to buy bigger clothes, yet, Thomas keeps telling me that I look good where I'm at. I think he's trying to get me really big. I can feel myself pushing maximum density here if I let him continue to feed me the way he does. But he loves to cook, and well, I love to eat.
Back to the book idea, I started to write a children's book last year. I have yet to finish it. I loved the idea of it though. In fact I started to work on two books last year. One was about my life in the military, what an adventure that was, and the other, was for Piper, so she could have a story that was written just for her, with elements of her dad and her Godfather in it... They were the ones who came up with the magical blue pony in the first place. I will have them done before my birthday next year, 2014. Whether or not they are published is another matter, but, I will get them done, and people will know who I am. I hope that they will find me as endearing as I found someone like, Bridget Jones... I so love her!
And for the record, I have to bitch for a moment. Not that I think it makes a difference or not, but, I have told Thomas about how much this really bothered me and I think it's just eating me up and makes me mad. So, I was working at the market one day, and a very nice couple came up and the gentleman said that "I love you and I hate you. I think every week that I should call you for a massage, and then I remember that you don't live in ___." And I was flattered by that, it really made my day, until, I heard, another person say they were so much better at it than me. I felt so invalidated and I was really upset by that. And do I say anything about it, no? I didn't. Instead, I just let it fester in me until now, when I am finally asking myself why do I continue to work with anyone who is like this. I have put some serious thought into will I work with them again... next year, I mean. I don't know. I love her, and I love working with her, but, it's little things like that, that make it really hard to do so. Who knows what the year will bring though... I could be living in Oregon by then :)
I had a friend come over for dinner tonight, it was so nice to have a girlfriend over again. We talked and laughed and had so much fun, I had forgotten what it was like to just have girl fun. She is home now, and Piper is in my bed tonight. I am waiting for the moon. Tonight, it's the Blood Moon, and I really wanted to do some meditating while the light of that amazing moon shining on me. I like to do that, however, I tend to think of it the day after the full moon though... not tonight. Thomas is out camping, so, for me, it's the perfect night for it. I long to have my own home where I can sit out on the lawn, naked if I want, and just enjoy the full moon... or dance naked in the rain. It's all good though, right now, tonight is all I am going to focus on. That and I what I want... I have no idea what I want, other than my family safe and happy, a home of our own, a business that I am proud of, and love and happiness and a sense of inner peace... I have them all now, I just want to make it all much bigger. Give the girls an opportunity to go the college of their choice, and have my own bathroom..
Anyhow, it's almost time to go outside. It's going to be cold out, so I have to ensure that I am bundled up. Goodnight all, Peace
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Dinner time fun
This evening, we are doing baked potatoes for dinner with some Pumpkin cake for dessert. Don't know about the cake, but, I am really looking forward to my potato. Thomas has gone to return some movies, Piper is taking a bath, life is good for me these days. There are things that I am working on within my self and though success has eluded me for some time, I am confident that I will make it and I will succeed. Of that, I have no doubt!
Tonight, I am feeling tired right now. Looking forward to my bath tonight and then some nice sleep. I may wash my hair first and then soak in the oil and let that moisturize my skin. I am loving this whole oil in the bath thing. Helps me to relax a bit, and for that, I can't go wrong. I love it!!
For my birthday this week, I have realized how very blessed I am for all the wonderful people that I have in my life. They have all made my whole week fantastic, and it's pretty awesome! It was a really great week, I couldn't have asked for more, it was that good! And not because of anything as far as the material world, but, I remembered how much I have as a person, and that was so rewarding for me. I love my family, all of them, and I love my friends, and it's really good to know that I have more people who care that I would had ever thought, so thank you all.
I should get off of here and do something constructive with my time, since we have been home, Thomas has cleaned the kitchen, washed the dishes, took out the trash, helped the neighbor and then took movies back... What a guy! I am so lucky to have him around... <3 p="">
I can smell dinner, it's going to be good... I love simple and easy meals that are super good... Now, for me to get clean and then, who knows what... good things of course!!!
Tonight, I am feeling tired right now. Looking forward to my bath tonight and then some nice sleep. I may wash my hair first and then soak in the oil and let that moisturize my skin. I am loving this whole oil in the bath thing. Helps me to relax a bit, and for that, I can't go wrong. I love it!!
For my birthday this week, I have realized how very blessed I am for all the wonderful people that I have in my life. They have all made my whole week fantastic, and it's pretty awesome! It was a really great week, I couldn't have asked for more, it was that good! And not because of anything as far as the material world, but, I remembered how much I have as a person, and that was so rewarding for me. I love my family, all of them, and I love my friends, and it's really good to know that I have more people who care that I would had ever thought, so thank you all.
I should get off of here and do something constructive with my time, since we have been home, Thomas has cleaned the kitchen, washed the dishes, took out the trash, helped the neighbor and then took movies back... What a guy! I am so lucky to have him around... <3 p="">
I can smell dinner, it's going to be good... I love simple and easy meals that are super good... Now, for me to get clean and then, who knows what... good things of course!!!
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Birthdays
Every year for my birthday, I set a new goal for the year. I tend to not really accept January 1st as the start of the new year, for me, it's my birthday. Why not, it's how I measure my life in years, why not do it this way. Most years in the past, I have had really good days, with only a few bad ones. The year I turned 22 was a bad one, but was quickly made into a good one. 26 was a really hard year, but, I got through it and eventually, I was better... Then 30 came, and it was such a great year for so many reasons. And 30 came again, and again and again and again.. I am sticking with 30 from now on, but, for the record, I will be 34 tomorrow.
I don't think of myself as being old in any way. In fact, 34 isn't old in any way either, and in my head, I am more like 16... 20 on some days, but, mostly I feel like a kid. I have been at work and had someone tell me, "Julie, you're the professional here," and I almost laugh because it just sounds so strange to me. Me, a professional, how odd to hear it though.
When I was a young girl, I don't really remember having birthday parties with a lot of people, just remembering being surrounded by my family and they were kind with their gifts. I got a soccer ball one year and a toy building set, a joker one year, which I still have. I have many cards that come in the mail and all my friends on Facebook are kind enough to extend a birthday well wishes, and I like that. I used to hate being sung to for my birthday, and now, I love to hear it. For just one day a year, I get to have lots of attention all to myself. Not that I don't any other day of the year, but, you get the idea. It feels good to have those around you remember the day and do something nice for you.. And what kills me is I tend to forget the rest of the people that I know when it comes to their birthday. And then I feel like an ass for forgetting especially if they were kind enough to get me anything.
So this year, as my resolution, when one of my friends has a birthday, I will, at the very least, make sure to send them an electronic message of good will and happiness for that day and for the upcoming year. I am hoping to be able to send a card for all of my family.. Mom, dad, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it, I will try... which means that a good address is going to have to be in order if you wish to get a card from me :)
I love getting presents. I know that I am a self absorbed, very selfish kind of girl and I know that it seems that at a certain point, I would give up on getting things and just realize that I have everything that matters to me... and I do realize that. I have so much to be grateful for and I am truly blessed to have all that I do. But, I still hope that I get something that I asked for every year. This year, is no exception either. I have this thing for backpacks. I remember being in high school, looking at Betsy's Jansport backpack that was blue with the leather bottom, wishing I had enough money to get one of those. I love bags for some strange reason, and I don't know why. Every year, before school starts, I so want to get a new bag!! For my birthday, I have asked for a very specific kind of back pack. It's a Jansport checkered multi coloured backpack. No twenty pockets, no place for a laptop, no place to put my music, just a bag with a front pocket and a big bag in the back. Nothing terribly fancy. I hate to say that while I ask for things like this, I don't expect to receive them. It's not anything big, it is what it is. I love the phone calls from all my sisters, and I love to go to my moms house and eat my favorite cake (this year however, we are trying something different due to angel food cake has wheat flour and it needs to be gluten free for Piper to eat it, so we are going with Better Than Sex Pumpkin Cake.... I honestly believe that there is cake that is better than sex, you're sleeping with the wrong person then, we shall see about it). I used to get to pick out my favorite meal for the event, and this year, I will be happy with whatever is made... though, I would love my moms red beef enchiladas with fresh green chilies and yellow onions.
Piper's birthday was last week, she turned 7. I was told today that I wasn't old enough to have a 7 year old... I agree. But, I love that kid so much. After a week of birthday presents and lots of fun, she is exhausted and ready for bed tonight. I like that too, that she's tired and wants to go to bed. Makes it so much easier for me in putting her to bed. I used to be so mad at the thought of having to share my birthday with her, but, since we have a week between them, it's all good now. She is like me in thinking that her birthday is all month long, starting from about the middle of September to the middle of November. What can I say, her dad used to spoil the shit out of me... all I had to do was bat my big blue eyes and him and just say please and he would do it... I have taught Piper the same thing, and when she tries to use it on me, it's not met the with the response that she hopes for... who do you think gave her those eyes? She is the light of our lives, and mine has become infinitely richer with her, which makes our birthday month that much more fun. And truth be told, her dad isn't the only one who spoils that child, Thomas is just as bad, if not worse because he's with her more often. She's the little devil on his shoulder going let's go get some ice cream. And replies, fuck yeah, let's get ice cream.. they are so bad! Today, he was helping her with learning to ride her skate board...
Anyhow, I love October and I love it because of the leaves falling off the trees and all the crisp mornings and how great it feels to know that autumn is here... And because of my birthday. Birthday's are awesome I think. I know this is the year, my ship is in, I am the lucky one... good things are happening to me all the time... I AM FEARLESS!! Night all, Peace
I don't think of myself as being old in any way. In fact, 34 isn't old in any way either, and in my head, I am more like 16... 20 on some days, but, mostly I feel like a kid. I have been at work and had someone tell me, "Julie, you're the professional here," and I almost laugh because it just sounds so strange to me. Me, a professional, how odd to hear it though.
When I was a young girl, I don't really remember having birthday parties with a lot of people, just remembering being surrounded by my family and they were kind with their gifts. I got a soccer ball one year and a toy building set, a joker one year, which I still have. I have many cards that come in the mail and all my friends on Facebook are kind enough to extend a birthday well wishes, and I like that. I used to hate being sung to for my birthday, and now, I love to hear it. For just one day a year, I get to have lots of attention all to myself. Not that I don't any other day of the year, but, you get the idea. It feels good to have those around you remember the day and do something nice for you.. And what kills me is I tend to forget the rest of the people that I know when it comes to their birthday. And then I feel like an ass for forgetting especially if they were kind enough to get me anything.
So this year, as my resolution, when one of my friends has a birthday, I will, at the very least, make sure to send them an electronic message of good will and happiness for that day and for the upcoming year. I am hoping to be able to send a card for all of my family.. Mom, dad, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it, I will try... which means that a good address is going to have to be in order if you wish to get a card from me :)
I love getting presents. I know that I am a self absorbed, very selfish kind of girl and I know that it seems that at a certain point, I would give up on getting things and just realize that I have everything that matters to me... and I do realize that. I have so much to be grateful for and I am truly blessed to have all that I do. But, I still hope that I get something that I asked for every year. This year, is no exception either. I have this thing for backpacks. I remember being in high school, looking at Betsy's Jansport backpack that was blue with the leather bottom, wishing I had enough money to get one of those. I love bags for some strange reason, and I don't know why. Every year, before school starts, I so want to get a new bag!! For my birthday, I have asked for a very specific kind of back pack. It's a Jansport checkered multi coloured backpack. No twenty pockets, no place for a laptop, no place to put my music, just a bag with a front pocket and a big bag in the back. Nothing terribly fancy. I hate to say that while I ask for things like this, I don't expect to receive them. It's not anything big, it is what it is. I love the phone calls from all my sisters, and I love to go to my moms house and eat my favorite cake (this year however, we are trying something different due to angel food cake has wheat flour and it needs to be gluten free for Piper to eat it, so we are going with Better Than Sex Pumpkin Cake.... I honestly believe that there is cake that is better than sex, you're sleeping with the wrong person then, we shall see about it). I used to get to pick out my favorite meal for the event, and this year, I will be happy with whatever is made... though, I would love my moms red beef enchiladas with fresh green chilies and yellow onions.
Piper's birthday was last week, she turned 7. I was told today that I wasn't old enough to have a 7 year old... I agree. But, I love that kid so much. After a week of birthday presents and lots of fun, she is exhausted and ready for bed tonight. I like that too, that she's tired and wants to go to bed. Makes it so much easier for me in putting her to bed. I used to be so mad at the thought of having to share my birthday with her, but, since we have a week between them, it's all good now. She is like me in thinking that her birthday is all month long, starting from about the middle of September to the middle of November. What can I say, her dad used to spoil the shit out of me... all I had to do was bat my big blue eyes and him and just say please and he would do it... I have taught Piper the same thing, and when she tries to use it on me, it's not met the with the response that she hopes for... who do you think gave her those eyes? She is the light of our lives, and mine has become infinitely richer with her, which makes our birthday month that much more fun. And truth be told, her dad isn't the only one who spoils that child, Thomas is just as bad, if not worse because he's with her more often. She's the little devil on his shoulder going let's go get some ice cream. And replies, fuck yeah, let's get ice cream.. they are so bad! Today, he was helping her with learning to ride her skate board...
Anyhow, I love October and I love it because of the leaves falling off the trees and all the crisp mornings and how great it feels to know that autumn is here... And because of my birthday. Birthday's are awesome I think. I know this is the year, my ship is in, I am the lucky one... good things are happening to me all the time... I AM FEARLESS!! Night all, Peace
Sunday, October 6, 2013
My apartment issues
I live in an apartment, and for the most part it's not that bad. Aside from having to pay to do my laundry, which is a lot considering I have to do my own laundry for my massage business, and I am paying rent instead of being able to pay a mortgage, I am having some major problems with the management company, Bosley Management. Now, from some of the research that Thomas and I have done, this company is a really shady kind of company, and what's worse, is if they are caught doing things that are against the law, it's like they are told, well, you were caught, just don't do it again. They have many complaints against them in Wyoming, Utah and Arizona.
Recently, I have added to their ever-growing list of complaints. The following is the letter written to the USDA and the Office of the Inspector General, which is of course closed due to the government shut down, and makes me a bit nervous due to the things that have been going on.. I fear an eviction due to the crazy things happening and this whole thing is starting to give me an ulcer. Always seems if it isn't one thing, it's another... but, I have faith that good things are happening, and this too will resolve itself.
Recently, I have added to their ever-growing list of complaints. The following is the letter written to the USDA and the Office of the Inspector General, which is of course closed due to the government shut down, and makes me a bit nervous due to the things that have been going on.. I fear an eviction due to the crazy things happening and this whole thing is starting to give me an ulcer. Always seems if it isn't one thing, it's another... but, I have faith that good things are happening, and this too will resolve itself.
Dear Mr. Brown,
As per our conversation earlier this week, I would like
to inform you of some of the goings on at our apartment complex. At
this time we do want to make a
complaint about these conditions!
My name is Julia Wood; We live in the
Show Low Apartments in Show Low Arizona. Recently, there have been
some things happening here that are of great concern to me. For
the last three years, when we (my partner and I) have done our renewal forms, we
have had to jump through hoop after hoop to ensure that we are able to continue
living there. I understand that being a resident, we are expected
to comply with the federal regulations, however, we have had our paperwork
handed to us between 6pm and 8pm on a Thursday or a Friday, documents which must
be requested from DES or our Bank or employer, and told that we have to have
them back to the managers office by 11am the next morning or we will have to
find another place to live. We have had to go back over and sign a
lease for our apartment multiple time/multiple leases. This we are
told is due to the lease not being correct the first time. We have
had to provide documentation of my child support deposits, which I have no
problem with. However, when I provide the deposit statement from
my bank, I am told that anything that I have deposited is considered income,
when I have already provided them with my income statements. There
are times when I have to return things and if it was with a card, it’s put back
automatically on my card, and now, it’s to be considered income when it’s not
income at all i.e. double billing/counting.
This year, we are to be renewing our lease by the end of
August. We have not gotten any 90 or 60 day notice or a 30 day
notice of renewal. I am getting worried that if it doesn’t get
done, we will be out of a place to live very shortly, since it’s suppose to have
been getting done at the latest, next week.
Currently
we have gone through the following with Valerie about our renewal-notification
on 8.27.13 about upcoming renewal, notification from Valerie that she would drop
off docs for renewal, Docs delivered to myself on 9.3.13, with envelope stating
all docs should be signed (Blank) and falsely dated 9.1.13. Refusal by Valerie
for this year and 2012 renewal to allow my girlfriend, Julia Wood, to claim her
status as a operator of her own business under schedule C and claim deductions
for operating costs. Our income has gone down and yet we have been informed that
our rent is going up so we have requested a full copy of this years lease as
well as the last two years in complete form to have them for review. We have not
been provided with a complete set of lease documents since Valerie become our
manager. We have been required, under threat of eviction, that if we do not
falsely date documents the 1st of Sept. we would not be able to live here
anymore every year we have had to do a tenant recertification. The thought of being
required to commit fraud is unnerving to us!
Part of our lease says that if the police are called to
any residence for a disturbance or a guest of a resident, an eviction will
result. Our manager herself has had to call the police on her son,
Jeremy, who lives with her, which resulted in her son being physically removed
from the property, and they are both still living on the premises, which, is a
clear violation of all leases. Is this not discrimination?
Her son has had police reports filed by other residents, who have stated
he has been in their apartments when they are not home and stolen their pain
medication and has tried to solicit them for prescription medication for his
personal use and sale. A resident who filed the police department,
was chastised by Valerie and warned about filing further complaints or police
reports. He is an employee of the apartments in the maintenance
department and has a master key to all apartments. He has a felony
record with convictions for drug related problems. I have learned that
another tenant personally witnessed the solicitation of Stacy,
the complaining party, by Jeremy Reed, Managers son, for Rx drugs for sale to
another friend of his. The other resident witness is afraid to speak out because
of the threat of eviction.
The residents of Show Low apartments have been informed
that prior to any visitors to even spending one night as a guest, we must give
two weeks notice with their names, ages, and any other descriptions that they
are requesting at the time, and have them approved by Connie Bosley, owner of
the apartments. This prevents any spontaneous sleep over’s for any
of the small school age children in the complex, as well as any guest who may
not be able to get home safely due to weather or dinner party.
As of the beginning of this year, we were informed that
we are not allowed to smoke inside our apartments, which I have no objection
to. However, Bosley management provides no on site smoking area
for the tenants, which results in standing out in a dirt lot, just off the
apartment property or across West McNeil . As a resident of the
White Mountains , we are under strict fire code regulations for almost half of
the year. With no provided place for the residents to smoke, they
are in danger of being ticketed for this kind of severe violation.
And that, in essence would result in them being evicted due to the
classification of police response being called a disturbance.
I believe the reason that we have not been given our
renewal forms is because of some of the other problems that are going on at our
apartments in general. Recently, we did our annual
inspection. Our apartment passed with only minor things that
needed to be fixed, repairs to the apartment, some drywall in the bathroom and
cracks in the ceilings need to be repaired. Our neighbors however,
have been telling us that they have not passed their inspections because their
couch is in front of the living room windows and that’s a fire code
violation. We have our couch in front of the living room windows
and we never had anything said about it to us. I have checked with
the Fire Marshall with the Show Low Fire Department, Brian Russell.
He said that it’s not a violation of fire code to have the couches there,
because the windows in the living room are not considered to be fire
exits. Brian informed my boyfriend that the postings
on the entrance doors were far out of date using UBC coeds rather than the
current IBC codes. Fire extinguishers are far too small and carbon
monoxide detectors have not been installed at the proper height.
He further informed him that the corridors are required to have fire
doors at the entry of each apartment to provide a 20 minute fire
corridor. Currently all entrance doors to apartments are wood, not
the required fire doors. Mr. Russell also stated that he was not
able to say whether or not the outer doors, leading into the building, although
metal doors, were fire doors. Mr. Russell went on to inform my
boyfriend that it is a violation of the law for the management to act as a Fire
Marshall. Our neighbors are outraged that we had nothing said to
us about our couches, yet, some have been told that they will be evicted if they
don’t comply with the manager’s fire codes, so they have thrown away more than
half of all their living room furniture and arranged furniture as “recommended”
by Valerie.
When myself and my partner/boyfriend moved into this
apartment, D1, from an upstairs apartment, D3, my boyfriend was required to pay
to have his electric and gas transferred to the new residence, D1.
He was then informed by the former manager, Christie, which the
owner, Connie Bosley will require him to also pay to have the electricity and
gas transferred back into Bosley Managements name for his old residence, D3.
He requested that the former manager confirm this with the owner
Connie Bosley while in the office at our facility. With the phone
on speaker during the conversation, my boyfriend heard Connie Bosley identify
herself and inform the former manager that “Mr. Lucero can pay the $35 or find
some other damn place to live”. Needless to say we, as a family of 4 paid to
have the utilities turned on/transferred back into Bosley management’s name for
apartment D3 .
Our neighbors come to my boyfriend with
questions of what to do. He told them that they need to file
complaints with the Rural Development office, USDA, your office. He has also
directed them to legal aide in Show Low. I am aware from another
tenant that our apartment manager knows that he is the one giving them this
information and she may looking to evict us for it.
Bosley Management wishes to renovate the apartments,
starting with the bottom ones, with new carpet and flooring. We
live on the ground floor in our building, apartment
D1.
Repairs are not consistently made as in our case of
our units heater last September. On 11.13.12 I wrote out on plain paper, due to
the lack of maintenance request forms in the laundry room, a request to have the
following repairs made. 1. Leak under L/side of sink 2. Heater blows cold air,
eg set temp for 75, went to bed with current temp of 72, awoke with heater
blowing cold air and temp of 68. Blower would stay on heater would not come
on.
I spoke with the maintenance man, Rodney, to
inquire about the heater repair on 11.28.12 and was informed that Valerie would
not OK the $65 charge for a HVAC repair man to come out and fix the
problem.
On 11.30.12 I filed another request for repairs
stating that I had needed to heat the apartment with our electric oven due to
the lack of a working heater in our unit. Valerie confronted me about the
request and stated that I should have informed her that I was heating the
apartment with the heater rather than file a maintenance request which will need
to be filed at the head office. A HVAC repair man was sent out 1-3 days later
for the repair. The sink repairs were made over a period of 1-2 weeks and with a
faucet that is made of plastic and currently has begun to leak frequently when
in use due to its plastic construction. We have several maintenance issues in
our apartment which have been brought to managements attention upon yearly move
in & inspections yet fail to be remedied. Severe cracking of support walls
and around doors, drywall in the bathroom, gap at base of tub, settling of tub
unevenly, building inspector not sure if tub on sub floor or joists, multiple
electric outlets which do not work properly, carpeting which sheds and creases,
shelf bars in fridge which have been broken since move-in and have not been
replaced. We are very reluctant to file requests for these repairs as they have
already been documented by management and Valerie does not look kindly upon what
she calls "unnecessary requests" as she is already aware of the problem. Her
temper and demeanor becomes extremely verbally abusive when she is pressed by
tenants to perform her duties as per regulations or law.
We do wish to bring it to
your attention that there are some serious problems going on here and to my
knowledge the other Bosley Management property in Show Low, behind Wal-Mart as
well as other properties in Arizona, Colorado and Wyoming. Many of the
residents here are elderly and or handicapped/disabled and are afraid to file
complaints with your office due to the lack of protection they feel is needed to
prevent reprisals by the management in the form of evictions. Many
of the notices provided to residents are worded in very nasty language, some
posted on the laundry room door. The manager, Valerie and her boss
Connie use their authority and the threat of eviction accompanied with the loss
of further USDA assistance to bully or harass the tenants. Valerie has
previously been at the Show Low facility, several years ago, and many residents
were evicted after filing complaints with your office. Those who
remember her are extremely afraid of her tactics and the idea of eviction for no
good or valid reason.
Is there any way to request an investigation into the
conduct of Bosley management during the time that Valerie has been here at the
Show Low facility, both this time and the previous? Does the USDA
have any guidelines for harassment or bully tactics when used by landlords?
I simply am in need of any assistance you may be able to provide
to end these tactics by management and their behavior towards the
residents.
Funny thing, now that I have provided all the required items for my tenant re-certification, I have been told that I will still have to overpay my rent for this month, October, and that they will not re-do the re-certification for the last year, when I overpaid by almost $3000 for the year. Not only that, I am not allowed to turn anything sort of paperwork into the office unless the manager is there, including the rent, (her office hours are Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 9 am to 12 pm... and she was out of the office sick for the majority of last month) so, now I am looking at a 10 day eviction notice come Tuesday when she's in the office again... I don't understand much here, but I know when things are not as they should be. Too many times I have lost sleep over this whole thing of the rent, and too many nights I have wondered what will happen if they don't accept my paperwork for our recertification. No longer will I be a victim, I am the only one who can save me.... That, and a good lawyer... Anyone know a good lawyer? Night all... Peace <3 :="" div="" nbsp="">
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Being a teen in the digital age
In the past, I have mentioned, more than once, how I wish I could go back to life in the 1980's. After reading Rolling Stones today, I am going to really stand by that thought.
Not that Rolling Stones is a bad magazine, it's not, I love the political stuff that they put out there. The article that I read was on teens in the age of sexting and social media. The repercussions of this are becoming more commonplace and that's sad when teens think that the only option is death. I was crying reading this article, wishing there was a way that we can change what's going on, and I don't know how to.
I asked Kim what she thought, and we agree it has a lot to do with respect, but, not just a respect for others, you need to respect yourself too. How do I teach this my girls? How do show them that wearing clothes where my ass is hanging out of the bottom of my shorts is often seen as advertising and there are some who would argue that if you dress that way, you are just asking to be violated. How do I teach my girls to like and love themselves and know that one doesn't have to try so hard for attention. I don't know how to do that. It scares me that Piper will come into her teens and there will be this world of the Internet that her dad and Thomas and I and her aunts and uncles will never truly understand what it is to grow up with it. It was the late 90's when I got my first email account, so to have one in first grade seems a bit much to me.
I know that times changes and so must I in order to be able to give her all that she needs while growing up. I am saddened by the girls who think that in order for a boy to like them, they will have to do things that completely compromises their integrity and they have no idea what kind of actions and reactions this will cause. I read in this article that boys are texting girls to send them pictures of their boobs with or without the bra and they do because they think that if they don't', this boy isn't going to like them. Fuck these boys! What the hell??!!! I know that boys will be boys and that they like boobs and just want to see them, I get that, but, it's getting to a point that if a girl doesn't, then, she's then publicly shamed for it and bullied even more. Holy hell, what's going on here? I hate to put this all on the boys of our society, but, it seems to me, that they are playing a bigger part in this then they realize. It makes me sad and sick to think that as a male, if I was a star football player, I could sexually assault a girl, take pictures of it, and when she hits me for doing it, she gets into trouble, not me. Our schools are protecting dude and once again, looking at the female and saying, well, what did you do to deserve this? WHAT??? In which scenario does a person, male or female, DESERVE to be assaulted, and then humiliated? I am curious, because, it seems to be a reoccurring theme through out our modern society.
As a woman, I had to get through my teens to get to where I am now. And the teen years where sketchy at best, but in no way did I ever do anything thinking it would make me more desirable to the opposite sex, like take nude pictures of myself and give them to anyone. When I was in my twenties, we didn't have a lot of cell phones and there was no Facebook, Instagram, or any other type of social media and I did a lot of stupid shit that would have been humiliating if it ever got out. I know what it's like to be so drunk that you let someone do things, like write all over you, because you want them to like you. I remember having my little sister scrub writing off of me, and I never asked what it said, I was pretty mortified by the whole thing. I can't imagine the utmost horror of having that shit sent to anyone I went to school with.
I think kids think that because they are close to being adults, that they can act like adults and they forget, they can't do that. Sending pictures of girls who are under 18 to anyone, is still child pornography and that's against the law. What breaks my heart is knowing that it's not just the females who are being bullied over the Internet and social media. I think it's horrible that you are no longer allowed to be a bully face to face, at least you could stand up for yourself at that point, and have a good old fashioned romp to get it out. Now, you can't bully in person because, you will get into trouble and could be expelled... so they turn to a way that can hurt far more, because so many more people can tap into it. And if you do stand up for yourself against a bully, you are expelled for fighting. Our kids don't seem to have a chance if we don't start doing something different.
What can we do though? Get a boxing ring in the school and let them beat each other up with gloves and ref? I don't' know, maybe. I still think we need to stop looking at the other people in our lives and see the value and worth that we have and that we have to offer the world. Stop comparing yourself to the girl who is a size 0 and be proud of who you are. If you don't like something about yourself, then change it... and change isn't about taking a pill to make it alright, it's about hard work and determination and some times, it requires a little sacrifice... (not like sacrificing chickens or anything, but, giving up something that you really like, i.e. potato chip, dollar tacos on Thursdays, wheat, spending all my time with friends so I can workout, this is a type of sacrifice that we need). I am not saying that everyone should or should not look a certain way, but, if you don't like what you see, stop wishing for it change, and just do something about it. No two people are the same, why would you want to look like everyone else?
Too many things in this modern age don't make sense to me. Why does everyone on Facebook need to know what I ate for dinner tonight (rolled tacos with guacamole and cheese)? What difference does it make what some dude thinks of me? The friends I have now, I have them because they add to me, not subtract. I surround myself with people who love me for me, not because I am skinny, white, wear a certain kind of clothes to work, drive my awesome Chevy Cavalier, or anything else that really doesn't matter... it's about who I am inside, the person who is flawed, but, accepts those flaws. Why don't we teach our kids that you are not your friends, and you are uniquely you... Love and embrace that! There is nothing better than to be truly love and accepted by those around us, but, in all honesty, the best feeling I have, is knowing that, I love myself, I love the woman that I have become and I am going to continue to make strides to be the best me that I can be. I am not perfect, I am perfectly flawed, and yet, it's totally OK. I don't get lonely when I am alone, and I can be alone with my thoughts without the desperate need for the company of others or any other medium that could distract me from hearing my thoughts. To be alone in the woods, or sitting next to the ocean, is the closest to perfect I have ever come. I have this imagine of myself in my head, and my goal is to match the outside to what I see on the inside... oh to have curly hair :)
Anyhow, I will meditate on this, and see what I can come up with. I want my girls to know that they don't have to hate themselves their whole lives. It's a constant thing, to love myself unconditionally with out feeling guilty because I didn't do something or I did something that I shouldn't have. Don't obsess over the past, it's over, I can't change it, all I can do is keep looking up, there is amazing things that are happening all the time... night all .... Peace
Not that Rolling Stones is a bad magazine, it's not, I love the political stuff that they put out there. The article that I read was on teens in the age of sexting and social media. The repercussions of this are becoming more commonplace and that's sad when teens think that the only option is death. I was crying reading this article, wishing there was a way that we can change what's going on, and I don't know how to.
I asked Kim what she thought, and we agree it has a lot to do with respect, but, not just a respect for others, you need to respect yourself too. How do I teach this my girls? How do show them that wearing clothes where my ass is hanging out of the bottom of my shorts is often seen as advertising and there are some who would argue that if you dress that way, you are just asking to be violated. How do I teach my girls to like and love themselves and know that one doesn't have to try so hard for attention. I don't know how to do that. It scares me that Piper will come into her teens and there will be this world of the Internet that her dad and Thomas and I and her aunts and uncles will never truly understand what it is to grow up with it. It was the late 90's when I got my first email account, so to have one in first grade seems a bit much to me.
I know that times changes and so must I in order to be able to give her all that she needs while growing up. I am saddened by the girls who think that in order for a boy to like them, they will have to do things that completely compromises their integrity and they have no idea what kind of actions and reactions this will cause. I read in this article that boys are texting girls to send them pictures of their boobs with or without the bra and they do because they think that if they don't', this boy isn't going to like them. Fuck these boys! What the hell??!!! I know that boys will be boys and that they like boobs and just want to see them, I get that, but, it's getting to a point that if a girl doesn't, then, she's then publicly shamed for it and bullied even more. Holy hell, what's going on here? I hate to put this all on the boys of our society, but, it seems to me, that they are playing a bigger part in this then they realize. It makes me sad and sick to think that as a male, if I was a star football player, I could sexually assault a girl, take pictures of it, and when she hits me for doing it, she gets into trouble, not me. Our schools are protecting dude and once again, looking at the female and saying, well, what did you do to deserve this? WHAT??? In which scenario does a person, male or female, DESERVE to be assaulted, and then humiliated? I am curious, because, it seems to be a reoccurring theme through out our modern society.
As a woman, I had to get through my teens to get to where I am now. And the teen years where sketchy at best, but in no way did I ever do anything thinking it would make me more desirable to the opposite sex, like take nude pictures of myself and give them to anyone. When I was in my twenties, we didn't have a lot of cell phones and there was no Facebook, Instagram, or any other type of social media and I did a lot of stupid shit that would have been humiliating if it ever got out. I know what it's like to be so drunk that you let someone do things, like write all over you, because you want them to like you. I remember having my little sister scrub writing off of me, and I never asked what it said, I was pretty mortified by the whole thing. I can't imagine the utmost horror of having that shit sent to anyone I went to school with.
I think kids think that because they are close to being adults, that they can act like adults and they forget, they can't do that. Sending pictures of girls who are under 18 to anyone, is still child pornography and that's against the law. What breaks my heart is knowing that it's not just the females who are being bullied over the Internet and social media. I think it's horrible that you are no longer allowed to be a bully face to face, at least you could stand up for yourself at that point, and have a good old fashioned romp to get it out. Now, you can't bully in person because, you will get into trouble and could be expelled... so they turn to a way that can hurt far more, because so many more people can tap into it. And if you do stand up for yourself against a bully, you are expelled for fighting. Our kids don't seem to have a chance if we don't start doing something different.
What can we do though? Get a boxing ring in the school and let them beat each other up with gloves and ref? I don't' know, maybe. I still think we need to stop looking at the other people in our lives and see the value and worth that we have and that we have to offer the world. Stop comparing yourself to the girl who is a size 0 and be proud of who you are. If you don't like something about yourself, then change it... and change isn't about taking a pill to make it alright, it's about hard work and determination and some times, it requires a little sacrifice... (not like sacrificing chickens or anything, but, giving up something that you really like, i.e. potato chip, dollar tacos on Thursdays, wheat, spending all my time with friends so I can workout, this is a type of sacrifice that we need). I am not saying that everyone should or should not look a certain way, but, if you don't like what you see, stop wishing for it change, and just do something about it. No two people are the same, why would you want to look like everyone else?
Too many things in this modern age don't make sense to me. Why does everyone on Facebook need to know what I ate for dinner tonight (rolled tacos with guacamole and cheese)? What difference does it make what some dude thinks of me? The friends I have now, I have them because they add to me, not subtract. I surround myself with people who love me for me, not because I am skinny, white, wear a certain kind of clothes to work, drive my awesome Chevy Cavalier, or anything else that really doesn't matter... it's about who I am inside, the person who is flawed, but, accepts those flaws. Why don't we teach our kids that you are not your friends, and you are uniquely you... Love and embrace that! There is nothing better than to be truly love and accepted by those around us, but, in all honesty, the best feeling I have, is knowing that, I love myself, I love the woman that I have become and I am going to continue to make strides to be the best me that I can be. I am not perfect, I am perfectly flawed, and yet, it's totally OK. I don't get lonely when I am alone, and I can be alone with my thoughts without the desperate need for the company of others or any other medium that could distract me from hearing my thoughts. To be alone in the woods, or sitting next to the ocean, is the closest to perfect I have ever come. I have this imagine of myself in my head, and my goal is to match the outside to what I see on the inside... oh to have curly hair :)
Anyhow, I will meditate on this, and see what I can come up with. I want my girls to know that they don't have to hate themselves their whole lives. It's a constant thing, to love myself unconditionally with out feeling guilty because I didn't do something or I did something that I shouldn't have. Don't obsess over the past, it's over, I can't change it, all I can do is keep looking up, there is amazing things that are happening all the time... night all .... Peace
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