Where did we go wrong?

This afternoon, while talking about the Amnesty Bill, Thomas and I started to talk about some of the things that are going so completely wrong in our country, and trust me, there are quite a few that I think are important to go over. 

Not that I want to talk about immigration but, here's the deal with it, I think that what they are trying to do is somewhat understandable, however here's what I think.  If you come to our country legally and are going through all the channels to become a citizen, it shouldn't take more than a decade to become a citizen.  If you come here legally and want to work, and not become a citizen (because believe it or not, there are people out there who don't want to give up their citizenship to their home country), then I have no problem with that, so long as they are not committing violent crimes, because, I understand sometimes we get traffic tickets. 

But think about it.  Where did we go wrong?  In an age of technology and the Internet, social media and some of the things that you hear, I can't help but feel sorry for my daughter.  She will never have that feeling of fear as she passes a note in class.  She will never get to answer a family phone, or have her dad answer it, "It's your nickel".  She won't ever have to go through the joys of being able to pick a phone book, open it to a page, dial a random number and ask if their refrigerator is running.  And why?

Because of cell phones, and caller ID.  We live in an age where we let women pump out kids, get paid and they never have to work, but the mother who is trying so hard to make it, can't get into Section 8 housing because she makes too much money, yet, she can't afford to pay rent somewhere else, nor is she able to get help with food or medical because according to the state, making $9.09 an hour at 30 hours a week, is simply too much, and we can't help you. 

We live in an age where the big businesses of our time are the most greedy they have ever been.  They tell us that it's illegal to use a plant, a natural substance found in nature to help cure and treat dis-ease in the body, but, they can tell us it's OK that they are allowed to poison our food.  Not only that, you can no longer buy seeds that you can plant, use the seeds from the food that grows to replant more seeds.  WOW! Way to go technology.

We live in a time where it's now the schools and churches job to teach our kids right from wrong and what is and is not acceptable human behavior.  It's not their job, it's ours, as parents.  We seem to be so stuck in our own lives that we have forgotten that we made these little guys, and it's our job to take care of them and teach them right from wrong.  It's our job to discipline them too.  But, no, we can't spank them because it might wrap their little personalities.  Have you gone to dinner one night and there is a kid who is so out of control you are about to be the responsible one and take that kid outside and set them straight, but, the parents will just continue to eat, like it's not their problem? 

We have sooo many who are bullies, but, they are allowed to be.  I think the ones who make me the most angry are the kids who are cyber-bullies.  What the shit is that?  Are there kids out there who are so cowardice that they hide behind a keyboard and use that to taunt others?  They really have no balls and can't try to bully these kids face to face like a real man would (or woman for that matter)?  Not only that, if you are bullied, you aren't allowed to do anything about it.  There is no, let's me after school and take care of this shit anymore... oh no, you will be expelled for doing that.  We are no longer allowed to stand up for ourselves against the bullies in life.  (This goes for adults too here.  If someone is breaking into our home, office, car, and  we tell them to stop, and we use force to get them to leave, we are now the ones who are punished for breaking the law.  WTF??!)  How did this happen?  How is it, the ones who need the beating are the ones who are getting away with it. 

Think of recent news headlines.  The girl in California who killed herself because of the pictures of her on the Internet, the girl in Ohio or Iowa who was super drunk at a party and was rapped by the star players, but, they let them finish out the season because they wanted to win... that's all we have in this town.  I understand that we live in a society of social media and everything that we do that is stupid is going to be put out there for the entire world to see, but come on.  When did it become OK to stand by and watch this happen?  What happened to seeing an injustice and stopping it?  When did we stop teaching our kids that it's not OK to act like a fool and do shit like that?  We have stopped telling our daughters that going to a party with a dude who is your friend isn't going to turn out the way she wants.  We have stopped teaching our sons that it's not OK to rape anyone, no means no.  And yes means no if she's too drunk to talk or walk.  What happened to common sense? 

Some will argue that it started when we took God out of schools.  I have to differ, God has nothing to do with it.  As long as there are tests in school, there will always be prayer, so let's throw that one out (If you think that god should be in school, then maybe you should be the one to teaches god to your kids... it's still your job, not the school's).  Some will say it's when we were no longer able to discipline our kids by using our hands/belts, and I would have to say, that there is difference between abuse and corporal punishment.  A good spanking has never done that bad as far as I can see.  And trust me, I have had my share of spankings ( I wasn't a bad kid either, but, I did some really stupid things that I got into trouble for).  So, I would have to say that it's really our faults.  Parents, we have been the ones to fail our kids.  Maybe it happened when we wanted to give our kids the things that we didn't have, like a computer.  We have now crippled our kids with our warped idea of what a 'good life' looks like. 

To me, a 'good life' includes a parent or two or three or four, depending on your situation, and a lot of love.  We need to look into their faces and see that they are not to blame here (mostly I'm talking about the ones under age 7 in this case).  We, as adults, and sometimes not adults, made the decision to have them, to bring them into the world, our world.  We need to look at them and realize they didn't ask to be here, it was our choice, good bad or otherwise, we each made the decision to do that.  We gave them life, now, let's give them sometime to live for.  We can be the change we want to see in the world.  Our kids are not going to die if they don't have the latest iPhone or iPod.  The world isn't going to end if they don't have the super cool shoes or if they are subjected to hand-me-downs like the 'poor kids'.  And they certainly aren't going to be the laughing stock of school if they don't have the newest game console.  We have given them so much, they don't have any idea how to function with out it.  Kids aren't told to go outside and play anymore, because it's too hot or it's too cold.  Kids have no clue who lives next door to them, because we have become so scared that they might be a nut job.  What happened to going trick or treating door to door with a pillow case?  Trunk or treat is not what Halloween was about.  What happened to having an imagination?  Crayons and coloring books and paper.  Playing house or school or just learning that TV is NOT the way to entertain your kids.  What happened to making them be responsible for their actions.  We have to be responsible for them until they are 18, but, we have to teach them what is right and what is wrong. 

I have this idea about what I want to teach Piper and Kelsie about life.  I want to tell them that sometimes, you're not going to get what you want, in fact, sometimes, life is unfair.  Get used to it.  More often than not, your boss is going to want you to succeed before you have self-esteem too.  Get used to that as well.  You're not going to make $50,000 right out of school, so stop expecting it.  Sometimes, you will have to just suck it up and deal with life.  There are people who are going to try to hurt you, but, there is always your family who loves you, and believe it or not, if you ever need to come home, we are here for you.  There are injustices in life and I can't stop that.  There are some evil people out there too who are disguised as friends or lovers or bosses and I can't stop that either.  But it's also my responsibility to teach her how to cope with life. 

For this, I will teach her to value of liking yourself.  In fact, the value of loving yourself is so important.  It's not narcissistic to love oneself, it's just self love.  Here's a question that was asked to me at one point that really determined if I loved myself.  Are you lonely when you're alone?  If yes, what don't you like about yourself?  It took me a long time to be able to be alone with my thoughts and not be unhappy.  In fact, I like to be alone sometimes, just so I can figure it all out, with no distractions to get me sidetracked. 

I will teach her that if she really wants to find the answers in life, to sit down, close your eyes, breath, and look within yourself.  You will hear what you need.  It may take a while to get your mind to focus, but, focus on your breath.  Inhale love, exhale gratitude.  Be kind to nature.  The ant is just doing his job, no need to smash his house.  That if  you love a flower, don't pick it, because it ceases to be what you love.  Love things for they way there are.  Don't be so concerned with what others think of you, it's none of your business.  Find something to be grateful for everyday.  Love others.  Some may not be nice and some will be your best friend forever, but love them the same.  We each have a purpose for our life.  It may take you two weeks before you know, others, it could take a lifetime, and that's OK.  It's OK to not know what you want to be when you grow up, I still go back and forth on it all the time (I really like the whole roller skating derby diva idea the best though :).  Take care of your body.  It's the only one that you get, so make sure you are putting only good things into it.  If you have to live on a farm and grow your own food, then, that's OK too.  Make sure that you move all your muscles everyday, either in some form of working out or stretching.  Sing, dance, smile, and love.  Sing like no one is listening.  Dance like no one is watching.  Smile when your world is crashing down all around you.  Love... Love is the greatest force on earth.  Love can change the world, but, you have to understand, not everyone will love you back, and that's their choice.  You may get hurt, in fact, I know you will get hurt.  It's part of life.  There are things that are going to make you so mad, you literally see red, but don't despair.  "We have a saying in India.  Everything will be alright in the end, and if it is not yet alright, it is not the end." Words of wisdom there.  Trust your gut instinct, it's going to keep you out of trouble.  Remember, it's OK to say no, and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to do what your friends want to do.  Sit like a lady, a lady doesn't cross her legs.  Wearing a tank top and shorts doesn't make you a slut, your actions are what make you.  Most importantly, you can change, at any time to be someone better than what you are.  You have all the power inside of you, you just have to believe.  You can do anything. 

School.... 10th grade

I have been racking my brain for any sort of memories from my sophomore year in school, but, to no avail.  I keep thinking that if I had my year book from that year, I would be able to remember more about it.  But, alas, my yearbook is in storage, and I don't think I'm going to be going to storage to pull it out so I can stroll down memory lane. 

Once again, I found myself in the band room for class and lunch.  I had tried out to be a flag-et, but, after the first practice, I thought better of it and stayed with the band.  I still did percussion for marching band, specifically, crash symbols :)  It was still mostly fun.  Our new drum major was Lucas, and he did good for the most part.  He was a good guy and tried really hard.  I think the favorite moment that year was when he fell off the box at the start of our halftime show at the state game.  We didn't change our routine but once during the season, and I think most of us kind of resented that, a lot.  We wanted to do something different, and with our new teacher, Mr. Stephens, that wasn't going to happen.  I know that Holly and I got into it a lot more often, but, I can't remember about what, must not have been that important.  I wanted to like being in band, but, as luck would have it, I just couldn't find it in myself to do so.  We did competitions and to this day, I have one of the pictures of our competitions hanging up in my hallway.  It's the one that we did when we are all laughing and doing funny poses.  I have the symbol on my head, and it's funny.  I smile when I look at it for a while. 

At this point in school, Lexi was now a freshman, and we had band together.  Many of the people that I really liked talking to from the previous year were all gone, for whatever reason... OK, well not many, but a few of them were gone.  With sister came a whole lot of her friends too.  Not to say that I didn't like her friends or anything like that, they were just there now too. 

I was still mostly awkward and felt very out of place.  There were 3 deaths in my life that year.  I think either right before school started or right after it started, my great-grandmother passed away, she was 82, I think.  I remember it was very hot outside, in Phoenix and for the first time in many years, the four of us sisters were in a car together.  Brandy was pregnant with Mason, Crystal was driving her 1984 Nissan Pulsar, with Lexi and I in the back seat... with no A/C and the windows mostly up because we didn't want our hair to get too messed up.  That wasn't an easy death for me.  I loved my grandma, she was awesome.  She was the 1st generation born in America, from Quebec, drank tea at least 3 times a day and loved to watch Jeopardy. 

The next month, I believe would be September, I got my driver's permit.  I remember the day that I got it, the 26th.  It would be a day that I will forever remember, I lost another loved one that day as well.  His name was Joshua, he was my mom's best friend's son.  To me, he was the older brother that I didn't have.  He loved coming to our house and so many years of my life I remember him in it.  He was tall, had long dark brown curly hair, with a hair cut that now reminds me of Michael Bolton, and had a smile that was so killer.  He had taken my older sister, Crystal to her senior prom, I just knew that they would get married someday...  Obviously that didn't happen.  It would be more about a month and a half before they would find and identify his body (it wasn't a very pretty death.  I can say with the up most certainty, it's very bad and unnerving to see someone you know and love on the 6 o'clock news asking please, help me find my son).  At his memorial service, the pictures of him had so many pictures of me and my sisters there with him.  Some of the fondest memories I have of him include potato salad, my mom's of course, B-B-Q chicken, and chocolate chip cookies, the meal of champions. 

I remember that I did cross country that year, and I was terrible at it.  I joined with my friend Jenny thinking that I was going to be some awesome runner.  Or I may have joined to just do something different, but, I think really, it was because I liked this guy who was in it... Surprising right :)  To this day I find it somewhat amazing that from the time I realized I had hormones until I learned a few awesome secrets about being a girl (one ring to rule them all) I was only interested in boys and music.  All kinds of each of them too.  Well, boys, but not music.  I have since opened up and broadened my musical spectrum.  Back to cross country.  I do remember on one meet, we were coming home in the van and I had taken my shoes and socks off and Mike commented that I had such pretty Barbie feet... I do have pretty Barbie feet still.  They are cute and look so good in heels.  My times were nothing to be proud of, I think it took me almost 45 minutes to make it 3 miles.  I was a sprinter, not a distance person. 


For my 16th birthday, in October, I was still doing cross country, and afterwards, I asked Jenny if she wanted to walk home with me, we would go see our horse, Heidi.  She said sure, and we walked to where Heidi was suppose to be.  She wasn't there.  Odd, I thought, and so we just went to my house.  Every so often, my birthday falls on Columbus Day, and this year, it did.  Thinking that my mom was home, I saw her Blazer there, and it was all good.  However, when I opened the door, my mom wasn't there.  Candy and Debbie (friends of my parents) were there cleaning and decorating.  Where's my mom I asked.  They look at each other and Candy says, well, She's at the hospital with your dad right now.  She was thrown from the horse this afternoon.  Larry [Candy's husband] took Heidi out for a ride for a while.  Oh, okay.  Do I need to help with anything?  No no, we're good.  Just remember that the lasagna comes out at 7.  Got it.  I am equal to the task.  Around 6 or 6:30, people started to show up at my house.  My parents still weren't home yet, and I was a little nervous about this.  I'm not usually suppose to have a lots of people over, some yes, but, this was quite a few people.  I would say around 7 or so, my parents finally got home that night.  Lexi and I had done a fine job of entertaining everyone and keeping things going while they were out.  We had cake and ice cream after dinner and it was a good night for me.  Everyone seemed to have a good time.  Turns out that my mom had planned to have a surprise party for me, but, after being thrown from the horse, it kind of didn't work out the way that she had planned.  After everyone left, I remember washing the cinders out of her arm.  It was an interesting day to be sure :)


For speech and debate that year, I tried a new approach.  I did drama instead of comedy and I had picked a piece that I loved, but, the judges weren't too keen on.  It was from the book, by Margret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale.  Awesome book if you ever get the chance to read it, but, it's not for everyone.  I saw a lot of girls do bits from Rebecca Wells' Little Alters Everywhere, which I have finally read the book... I like her writing, she also did The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, wow, that book is amazing!  I had made a dress for the year in speech and debate, it was a really nice dress that was pretty, and made of rayon, my favorite material.  The biggest problem that I had with it, was every time that I sat down, it would wrinkle in the front.  This was also the year that when giving my name for a judge at one of the rounds, she asked to spell my last name....  W-o-o-d.  Some of the other team members were so good in their debate stuff.  The team of Jadi and Serena were damn near unbeatable.  Both of them should have gone on to be lawyers, in which case, I think Jadi actually did. 

I know that at some point I was at a really low spot in life. I felt like no one wanted to be my friend, yet I can't remember really not having friends.  There were always friends around me, maybe I was blind to see it.  I do know while riding the bus home one day that I thought of ending it.  I thought of it, and then I thought maybe not... I didn't really want to end it, I just wanted to feel something other than the pain of being a teenager.

So I tried to make things better, I had gone to the doctor's at one point and was given something for the acne, so my face started to clear up.  I started to dress a little bit better, and I overall tried really hard to keep going.  One of my favorite friends this year, until we graduated was Shannon Jernigan.  She was tall, like the rest of my friends, and was super funny.  I loved hanging out with her! 

There were other people that I feel it's important to mention for a lot of their own reasons.  There was Sammy, one of my closer friends.  She wasn't in band with me, well, not since 6th grade, but we did Speech and Debate together, I think.  She was one of those people who make you want to be a better person after hanging out with them.  I love that about her, and even still, she's got this heart of gold.  I only think of her in the best light.  She was truly a friend.  I used to go over to her house and do puzzles with her and her mom.  I remember all of her sisters too.  Very interesting girls, and I got along with all of them.  They were as different as me and my sisters, so it was easy to be around them.  I love Sammy :)

Jessie, whom I have mentioned a few times, was another close friend.  She was about 10 months older than me, and was actually, the oldest person in our grade.  Not to say that she's old or anything like, but, her birthday was first for our grade... There were two other guys in our grade that were older than me, but, I was the 5th in our grade for age.  Anyhow, we attended church together, were in band together, were in Girl Scouts together, I don't remember about other classes though.  She was fun to be around, always doing something.  I remember our freshman year, walking from school to the store and then to my house, it was much closer to hers, and feeling this awesome feeling of freedom to do whatever I wanted, it was so great!! 

Another girl I was in Girl Scouts with was Jenny.  She too attended the same church as me, and she was so super nice, had a great smile, was, in general, really upbeat and sweet.  I wanted to be as tall as Jenny was, but, it's not going to happen, without the help of some really tall heels. 

This was the year that I did track in high school.  I ran, once again, the 100 dash and this year, I did the 4 X 100.  Oddly enough, the other members of the team were Lexi, and our neighbors, a pair of sisters the same age as Lexi and I.  I loved being in track, it was so much fun.  One of the two great tragedies of this year were for our state qualifying meet, Lexi and I had a band competition on the same day.  This competition was in Phoenix somewhere and our meet was in Winslow.  Which is really far from each other.  My parents picked us up from our band thing and drove straight to Winslow.  Within 10 minutes of us getting there, though it felt more like 4 minutes, I was to run the 100 dash.  I was not really ready just yet, but I still was at the starting line when it was time to go.  I was in the first heat and ran a 14.57 100 yard dash.  It wasn't bad, but, I came in like 5 in the heat.  The next heat, a girl who was on our team, ran the EXACT same time, but, since she came in 3rd in her heat, she went to state and I did not.  FAIL!!! The other thing was for another meet that was kind of a big one, I went to a speech and debate tournament instead.  I kept thinking that I was going to do really well in speech that year, but, I wasn't as good as I had wanted to be, and spent the majority of the day wishing I had done the track meet instead.  Oh well.  Got to wear this dress that I had made, it was rayon and so pretty.  I loved that dress!

Mostly, 10th grade was OK.  Some of the guys that I had liked were going to graduate this year, so I wasn't going to see them after this year.  I did get my driver's license on Good Friday that year, and that was really cool. 

Now the summer between 10th and 11th grade got to be pretty interesting.  To start with, I went to camp at NAU with sister and Jessie and Jenny and Carly and a few others instead of going to Glorietta New Mexico.  Sister had started to date Joshy (same guy that I like in 8th grade and just knew it was going to happen with him, I started calling him Joshy at this point) and she slept with his shirt while we were there.  Joshy, had gone to the same church as the rest of us, and he, being a soccer player, had the opportunity to go to Australia that summer to play, so he wasn't in camp with us.  After camp, we played and had fun, but then, we got the opportunity to go to another conference thing in the valley that summer.  For whatever reason, I don't think that Lexi went, but, since my other sister, Crystal, lived in Phoenix, I asked if she could pick me up at the end of the day and I would stay with my Grandma for a few weeks.

Now, I had gone down there, thinking that it would be alright to spend the weekend with my sister.  I didn't see anything wrong with it, however, I would find out that, that wasn't the case.  I did go spend the weekend with Crystal.  I had asked my grandma on Saturday if it would be alright if I could stay there for the weekend, which she said yes, that would be alright.  So, I did.  I had a great time.  When I got to my grandma's house on Monday I think, I thought everything was fine.  Until Tuesday when I talked to my parents.  This wasn't to be my finest moment.  I have been told that I made the comment "I'm 16, I have rights!", I don't remember this at all.  But, needless to say, this was the only fight I have ever gotten into with my parents.  The next afternoon, I was on the bus to come home, and I really didn't understand why this was.  It was the middle of June when this happened.  I was grounded for about a month and some change for this one. 

A little over two weeks later, my mom had her birthday party and there was this guy there, named Aaron.  He had just graduated and he was really cute.  The next morning, I wasn't feeling so great, but I had dreamt about him that night, and this would begin another borderline obsessive crush that I would have.  Within a few weeks, I would have a job where he worked, although, I don't think that was the reason that I got the job there.  I do remember the first time that he talked to me at work, all I could hear in my head was Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves.  I wanted to have money and I really wanted to be able to prove to my parents that I deserved to get my keys back, I was a responsible 16 year old.  I really hated not being able to drive.  What was the point of getting my license if I couldn't drive?  And this would take me up into my junior year in high school.....

Low Spot

Yesterday, I thought things were going well.  I was thinking that I have great clients.  I was into my massages, remembering to be present in the moment and do the best I can for them.  And then, like a light switch was turned off, I sank into a low spot.  I don't know why or what really brought it on.  I just know that when I called Thomas to see how things were going, I was crying.  I know that my stress level is going up considerably and I know that things in life are not always going to be peaches and crème, but, I need a break from this.  I need to know that despite how it is now, things are getting better, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I will come out of it... not only that, that I will come out on top of it!  I went to lunch with some friends, and that really seemed to help.  I was very glad that I did go out.  And all and all, the day was a good one, but, it got to such a point, that Naomi called me.  We talk, and I love this girl.  But she can always sense when I need her, and when I'm not myself.  Which is good, but, at the same time, I know that I hit a low spot. 

I will persevere and things are improving everyday.  I'm not unhappy, and I love where my life is, but, I am ready to take charge and do something great.  I have this theory that if I could get a roller skating rink going, then I could get a roller derby league going up here on the mountain.  I know that I have to do this.  It's what I want, but more than that, it's something that the whole community can enjoy.  And honestly, there are a few things that really attract me to it.  I can get more tattoos, and that's always fun... I have two more planned out...  But the biggest thing that makes me want this, is how much it can empower women.  Not just the ones who have played sports their whole lives, but the ones who think that they don't fit in with society.  The ones who live up here because it's where their kids are, but, they want to be someplace a little bit more forgiving and a lot less superficial. 

Having grown up on the mountain, I spent a lot of time not having anyplace to go play.  Most kids I hung out with, we all went to church together, but, that only goes so far.  What about for fun?  I don't about you, but, I could always spend hours at a video arcade or roller skating.  In fact, I still can.  This isn't about fishnets and cool names (although, that will be fun), it's about giving back to the community.  It's about giving the kids a place to be a kid, without being something illegal. 

Today I start to write a business plan.  I have no clue how to go about it, but, I will get this.  I don't know where the money to fund this will come from, but I will find it.  I don't know when it will happen, but, mark my words, I will get what I want... I ALWAYS do! 

The stuff of my nightmares

This evening, while talking to Thomas and Beau, we started to talk about the stuff of my nightmares.  I can say that for the whole of my life, when I have had a lot of stress going on, I will dream about scary things to me... sharks.  And not just sharks, obviously it would be a great white shark that's the size of Jaws, but we are talking about Meg. 

Sometime last summer, I had a dream about a shark, and for the first time in my life, I beat the shark.  I did it!!  I managed to get away from it and I did it!  It was the most amazing thing as far as dreams go and feeling like I had finally gotten over that.  I was so happy about being able to best that creature, it was like, defeating my scariest dream.  It was, by far, better than any really good steamy dream ever, I had conquered something great here.

Of course, I do have other things that give me the willies while I'm sleeping, dinosaurs.  I know, right, it's not like we have such an over population of those running around the planet, but still.  The last time that I had dream about them, it was enough to scare the shit out of me.  I hate dreaming about them.  Specifically, velociraptors and T-Rex in the style of Godzilla circa 1998, or the ones that were stalking the little boy in Jurassic park, not sure which one though.  I can honestly say that I am glad that I didn't live in the time of the dinosaurs, mainly due to this abnormal and irrational fear of them.  Having read the book Meg, by Steven Alton, it grimly describes what would happen if a Meg got a hold of a T-Rex.  Let's put it this way, it didn't end so well for the giant of the jungle.  I guess those little arms are no match for a 75 foot long shark with teeth that are bigger than my hands, and a set of jaws that we could play poker in.  It was a bad day for that poor unfortunate soul. 

Anyhow, so these dreams only come to me once in a while.  Mostly I dream about not things that scare me.  Although, I do have an occasional nightmare, but, it's not like they used to be.  I find it easy to avoid thoughts of sharks if I'm not watching movies about them right before bed.  Also, I still haven't seen Jurassic Park, any of them, so I think I can avoid dreaming about them.  I am glad for that :)

As for the things that I do like to dream about, there isn't anything really steamy going on, but, about once every few months, I dream about being on a ship.  Usually with sister, and for some reason, I am trying to find my space again.  And I can't seem to get my uniform on the right way, always I am missing some vital part of the uniform, like boots... or a belt.  But I am always underway, with my sister, who is still in the Navy, and I am trying to show her that I can do it, I am a good sailor.  It's an interesting thing really.  And then I have dreams about Lowe's... I don't understand why do I dream about places that I have worked?  I know it seems strange, but, I love trying to figure out what these dreams mean.  I just try not to get too worked up about it though, sometimes the dreams aren't that great and some I would rather not think about again.  Either way, I do like to dream.  I like to know that I am getting some good deep REM sleep, and that, is key to keeping me healthy, so, keep them coming, I can handle it :)  But I would rather have good ones, as opposed to bad ones.

That crazy John Hughes

Last night, after finishing up my entry about band, Thomas and I put on Sixteen Candles.  I sat and watched this and we talked a little bit about high school.  He tries to tell me that he wasn't any one thing and that he was a combination of all the kids in that movie... Hopefully not the girl parts, but, whatever if he was talking about that too. 

So, I'm watching this movie and I see the part where she is taking the quiz and drops it on the floor and Jake Ryan picks it up and reads it.. of course right?  I knew that if any of the guys that I liked knew found out that I liked them, I would just die... or so I thought.  And it dawns on me, what if they did know... would that have changed anything?  Would they have all of sudden had that ah-ha moment where they stop and take a second look at me?  The world will never know.

We decided to make it a high school movie kind of week.  After watching Sixteen Candles, we went with The Breakfast Club and once again, I am amazed at how well that crazy John Hughes hits on the stereotypes of high school with this movie.  We have those same characteristics in each one of us.  Maybe all we needed was to sit in the library and smoke and talk... or the band room, whichever.  The next on the list was Fast Times and I think that is the exact opposite of what I would want my daughter to see and relate to.  They were a bit more colorful that what I want for her.  But once again, still with that same kind of cool kids and the not so cool ones.  I like this movie, I like Sean Penn in it... Really who doesn't love that character of Spcoli? 

And there it is.  It got me to think about how school could have been different if they knew.  I mean, knowing some things now, makes me smile and tends to feel good, but, at that time in life, when you are so crazed with an over abundance of hormones and trying to fit in and having to go along with what your "friends" say or do, what would it change?  The pressure is almost unbearable for some, and there are those who collapse under the weight of it and cannot take it anymore.  What's the worst part is not that this happens, of course it happens.  We all have to go through it and deal with it and live it, but, it's now that it's gotten to the point that if someone is being bullied, kids now seem to think that the only way to solve things is bring guns to school.  Such sad times we live in, where violence is the only solution to get people to notice you. 

I look at the way things are going, and I tend to like that Piper goes to a school where kids are treated well by all the teachers.  I can't say that bullying doesn't happen, but, I do know what the chain of command is.  If you have a problem with someone, take it to them first and foremost.  They may not even know that they are hurting your feelings or whatever... then go up from there.  It doesn't always work, and life isn't always fair. 

That was kind of a nice tangent there huh?   :)  Anyhow, maybe we watch these again, and see it as an adult and see it for what it was... we can relate to these characters that have been immortalized by that crazy John Hughes, and smile, and be thankful that after all of it, it's over now, and life is good!

Details Missed

It has come to my attention that I have forgotten some of the other details of being a freshman, and for Karla, thank you for reminding me. 

I stated doing Speech and Debate that year, and would continue to do so until I graduated.  I started off with doing a comedy piece that was about a kid who upon seeing this beautiful chocolate cake eats a piece of it.  Then, realizing that he will get into trouble if his mom comes home and sees this, goes to the store and buys a cake and can't understand how his mom knew that it wasn't the same cake... All moms are clairvoyant.  I learned from this that public speaking is a breeze, and I still love getting up in front of a crown and giving a speech. 

I went to church a lot, Lexi was there with me, a lot more than I liked, but it gave us something fun to do.  I couldn't drive at this point, but, I really wanted to. 

There were lots of guys that I liked.  Phil's little brother, Terry was so much fun to be around.  He had this thing for Johnny Depp's character in Benny and Joon and would wear a hat like him and everything.  I was, once again, stuck in 'friend land' with him too.  Must have been the eyes with those two.  One of the popular girls from our grade had this really cute brother that I would stare at as he would walk by.  (Many years after that he would apologize if he was ever a dick to me, because, he was just a dick back then to everyone.)  I took a speech class that year, and that was the year that Mr. Seely started teaching there.  I had one of his classes every year in school, and by the time that I graduated, I would sleep through class on the futon.  I wanted to do a lot of acting, and I tried out for the school play.  I didn't get the lead, I was told that since it's this girls last year, we're going to give it to her.  I never tried out again.  I was really bummed about that.  Lunches found me in the band room with my band homies.  I think my diet consisted of either M & M's or Dots and Mountain Dew.  I wasn't a vision of health in those years either.  It's no wonder to me now, that I had some serious acne problems. 

When I wasn't doing anything in particular, I would be listening to old records of my dad's.  My all time favorite being Led Zeppelin 4.  I used to love Stairway to Heaven, but now, I think When the Levee Breaks is more what I want to hear... To this day, I am still most comfortable listening my classic rock favorite song being Listen to the Music by The Doobie Brothers, which is funny, because Piper's favorite song is Black Water by The Doobie Brothers. 

On Halloween that year, I was riding the bus to school, because that was my form of transportation, and we were at a stop on the highway and the bus was rear-ended.  I was taken to the hospital, it was a fun ride.  Did a lot of PT for that, and in the end, the settlement helped to pay for me to go to Europe after I graduated... that is a whole other story to come though.  I do remember listening to Paul Harvey every morning... He loved his Bose Wave radio, and I so wanted one.  (For the record, I was given a set of Bose speakers for Christmas one year from Joey, I love those!)  I don't think we got any snow days that year, but, I could be wrong. 

I think that's about all the major things that I forgot about.  If I have left you out, I'm super sorry, let me know... I can correct this... Peace Out Kids..

School... 9th Grade... Band Geeks :)

For most of my freshman year, I would say that I had an OK time.  I mean, my favorite year in school was 9th grade, I enjoyed my time that year.  There were so many new people that year, and luckily for Derek, I found a few new objects of interest. 

For starters, I was taking wood shop, which was so much fun.  I loved that class!!!  I was in band, both semesters and we had a new teacher, Mr. Smith, and our drum major was pretty cool (although I still maintain that he wasn't, now, Pavlich will know the truth).  I felt so good because the girls who were mean to me before, treated me like I wasn't a freshman, in fact, I was now a cool girl.  How lucky for me.  There was just so much going on for me and I had a great time taking it all in.  In all honesty, band really was the highlight of that year for many reasons.  I really loved doing marching band, concert band found me sitting next to this guy, whom, for various reasons, I still adore to this day.  We went to Disneyland and marched in the Disneyland Parade, we went to Knott's Berry Farm and rode Montezuma's Revenge like 7 times in a day.  We went to all of the football games and through all of that, we had so much fun... well, I did. 

OK, let me back up.  Band... Not everyone thinks the band is very cool.  In fact, I would be willing to bet that most think band is a bunch of nerds who are the social rejects of the school (and thanks to American Pie, band camp will never be talked about as just band camp... There was this one time, at band camp... :), which couldn't be further from the truth.  Go to any high school ball game, the band is there, (unless you go to a Show Low game, in which case, the superintendent Mr. Kevin Brackney, has pulled all music classes from the school, to give that funding to the football team... EPIC FAIL!!!) any school musical, the band is there, we even went to the basketball games to play jazz music for the team.  We did competitions for marching band as well as concert band.  It was, a lot of fun. 

So, now let me get to the people that were with me in marching band.  (Just so you know, despite what we played in marching band, the majority of us played a different instrument for concert band, myself included).  There was Jessie, she played clarinet; Betsy, she did percussion with me for marching band; Bea also in percussion for marching band; Ellyn who played tenor sax in marching band; Mike Pavlich, who I just called Pavlich, even to this day, he was our drum major; Phil, who played sousaphone (it's a marching tuba); Mike O, who played trombone for marching band, and really there was a host of others that were there, but, these were the people that I most hung out with, or rather wanted to hang out with.  Pavlich had a friend that was so funny, I loved talking to him, and listening to what he had to say, his name was Matt.  I had a huge crush on Josh (another one right :), he played saxophone. 

I can't say that I really remember a lot of that part of the year.  We practiced a lot, the first game of the season, it rained.  We complained a lot about how totally gay our uniforms were, (that was the exact term we used at that time), and made fun of Pavlich for picking out such incredibly dorky hats to go with them... At least Phil and Luke (the other sousaphone player) got to wear berets.  They were purple cowboy hats with one side folded up and a long yellow feather coming out of that side of it.  Really cool! I remember doing drills on the football field.  I remember laughing at Pavlich a lot.  At this time in our society, the hair styles were something kind of interesting for guys.  There was one day that I was sitting on the football field and Pavlich comes over and I told him that he's got this glow about his head.  He, trying to be cool said something about how it's his evil spirit coming out and I just laughed at him, saying no, it's more like a yellow glow about your head making it look, not very evil at all. 

We were able to go to Disneyland that year to march in the Disneyland parade and it was a really long bus ride.  I remember watching one of the flag-ets throw herself at Pavlich and I remember thinking how obvious she was being.  I was at least trying to be subtle about it... yes, I did have a crush on him too.  We performed for the Payson Longhorns band and when we got back onto the bus, Matt said something to the effect of : "Blue Ridge Marching Band, you just showed up Payson Marching Band.  What are you going to do next?  I'm going to Disneyland!!"  I don't remember who I roomed with, I think Ellyn, I can't remember.  Ellyn seemed to always be my friend.  I think that with the group of people that we hung out with, it was inevitable that if you liked someone, one of your friends ended up going out with him... or maybe that was just my experience with females... maybe that's why I prefer to hang out with men vs. women... although, I do have some awesome girlfriends now. 

I really liked each of these guys for so many different reasons.  Pavlich was so cute and he tried to be mean, but really, he's still kind of a squishy pushover, I would gladly call him my brother, he's a good guy.  One guy, who for reasons that are somewhat obvious due to the nature of this sentence, I cannot name, but, he was the bad boy that I always wanted to go out with.  I was obsessed with trying drugs (which I have grown out of that phase, thankfully) and I remember asking him once if he would please hook me up with something, anything, to which he said no, flat out.  I was a bit odd normally and he didn't want to really screw me up.. how thoughtful, right?  Josh, the sax player, always had this thing that he was too good for me.  And I so liked him.  He was all Rico Suave, to me at least.  He drove this 67 Mustang that was so pretty...  That certainly never happened, though, many years later, he shocked the shit out of me by actually kissing me one afternoon...  Talk about made my head spin for a while.  And lastly, Mike O.  He was the best friend out of any of the people that I knew in high school.  He was smart and funny, really good looking, and he sat next to me after marching band for the rest of the year... lucky me :)  We would write notes in our music and have the long conversation when we should have been paying attention.  He was the only male in that whole school who made me feel like I was worth something.  When I was going through a really rough time the next year, I found a note in my backpack saying that I was a beautiful person and not to compare myself to others (especially sister) because I wasn't like others.  My parents should be so happy for the Jewel that they have in me... It wasn't signed and I can only surmise that it was him who wrote it... I knew the handwriting and he used to call me Jewels... kind of a dead give away, but, when I asked him, he said no... I still have that note.  I still read it every once in a while too. 

I know that aside from band, I didn't really have much of a life.  Alicia and I didn't talk the whole year.  Don't know why, we just didn't.  I was still going to church a lot, like three times a week a lot.  I wanted to be liked but, it seemed mostly elusive for me.  I think I have a lot of trust issues with women from growing up with the ones that really did me wrong.  I found that my calling of art was woodworking, and to this day, I can't wait to do something on the lathe.  So glad my dad is going to let me use his!  I thought about guys most all the time, in fact, that was all I thought about for many years... Now I only think of one all day long.  I can remember the feeling of when I first liked any one of these guys.  My heart would flutter a little and I couldn't talk to them.  And if they found out that I liked them, it was so the end of my whole life!  I don't know if they ever knew that I liked them... Josh for sure, Pavlich, I'm not so sure.  Mike, that's a toughie, but, I guess either way, they all can read about it now.  I have a certain amount of respect for them all now, except for Josh... for lots of reasons on that one.  Mean, yes, but, whatever, it is what it is. 

I used to keep little notebooks that I really started to do my freshman year.  I would make little notes about people and things.  I can remember one in particular was a note about a glass bottle of Heinz Mustard.  It had the words "pourable mustard" on the label.  I would think, well, it's a glass bottle, of course you would have to pour it, it's not like you can squeeze the bottle to get the product out, but more importantly, why does the glass bottle of ketchup not also say pourable on it?   I mean really, if you're going to do that for one of the bottles, why not do it for both of them?  In another note I remember thinking that I really hope that when we grew up, all the perfect skinny girls would have really bad acne and be super fat with lots of ugly kids, and be really unhappy... I don't wish that on anyone now, bad acne really sucks!  I have these notebooks, these thoughts and ideas of my writing still hiding away.  They are safe, they are waiting for me to revisit them and laugh at the nonsense of it all.  I can't wait to get them out again, and read them all over again.  I loved writing, and I really discovered that my freshman year.  It was an outlet for me, to release all the rage that I had pent up.  It was an escape from the real world because, at that point, I really needed one.  For a low year was coming around, and I would need that escape to be able to cope with life.  (Just to be clear here, my home life, was not unsatisfying.  I was an unhappy child, and there was nothing that my parents or sisters could have done to change it... The change had to come from me... It did come, but it took a long time.)

I will put in here that during the course of marching band, Mike Rodgers moved away to Joseph City and I was crushed.  We wrote to each other a lot, and once again, I have those letters because, he was my dream man at that point.  I remember in one letter telling him about a guy that I liked and I was describing him to him... I never told that he was my ideal guy.  He had a kindness and sense of humor that we seemed to share and he always kept asking me who was it.

Anyhow, that was the highlights from that year.  We as a band were crushed when Mr. Smith said he wasn't going to be our teacher the next year, and equally upsetting that was Pavlich was going to be moving to Tucson for his senior year... Not cool at all!!! Church camp was coming up and I can't remember if I was looking forward to it or not.  We were in the worst barracks of the entire place, I know that it was going to be a good summer other than that.  Jessie had her license and a convertible that we would drive around in for hours listening to Blackhawk.  Not the most epic summer, but, as with life these days, if I don't write down what's going on, the days just seem to run into one another with no real direction or anything.  The year to come was to be the hardest in school that I had, and I was about to find the my little sister was truly my best friend... I'm lucky to have her really, despite all of her flaws, and we all have them, I love her!

It's late now, I have to be up early for work, and sleep has been eluding me for a few nights... maybe tonight it will come swiftly and take me away.  Maybe I will see them there, in our goofy band uniforms playing the Star Spangled Banner... I had a solo playing crash symbols... maybe not :)

Doctors and stuff

When I was a kid, I didn't mind going to the doctor at all.  It's not that I was a very sick child, in fact, I was pretty healthy.  The only things that really happened was an occasional ear infection and sore throat and about the time I was coming up on 10 years old, I started to get Strep Throat.. a lot! It seemed like it was once a month for many months.  What could I do but take the medicine and hope that I wouldn't get it again.  That summer before I turned 10, we moved from Kingman to Pinetop.  And just before my birthday, I got it again.  This time, I thought I would be brave and get the shot for it.  Turns out, the shot was penicillin and that's a bad thing.  I'm allergic to that, so it's a very bad thing for me to get it.  I spent the whole morning at the doctors office trying to get it to be counteracted and not send me to the hospital.  I can honestly say that I haven't had that since then.  It's all good. 

About two years ago I started to have a lot of problems with my stomach.  I hate having issues with my stomach.  It's where I carry my stress and it's not easy when it hurts.  Turned out that I had H. pylori and that was the reason I was having so many issues with it.  It was so awesome to have it fixed and not worry about it anymore. 

Lately, like last week, I started to have issues again.  And I hate it when it hurts.  I hate it even more to throw up.  I am thinking that since it's been a bad week with my stomach, that I am going to go gluten free like Piper has.  Of course, the fry bread last night was a really bad idea, I don't recommend doing it... to anyone, ever!  I think it was the beans that really tore me up, making me wish that I had some really soft toilet paper... sorry, I know, TMI. 

I am excited to be starting my new workout that I found.  It's something I found and wasn't able to get it started last week like I wanted.  I tend to think that the good eating will help to make me start feeling better... nevertheless, tomorrow, I am going to call the doctor and see what is really going on with my stomach.  I hate going to the doctor now.  I just guess that I don't have time to be sick and I really want to feel better.  But, either way, I have to know what's going on with it and why I keep feeling like not good. 

Until tomorrow then... night :)

School... 8th Grade

To continue with my six part series looking at life growing up here, in Pinetop, and how it was for me, today, we will look at the second part of Jr. high, 8th grade.

As I covered before, the summer before, I went to church camp, which was a huge let down for me.  I had a pretty much horrible time, and probably could have had a better time sitting at home with my little sister.  And, interestingly enough, in 8th grade, Lexi was now in 7th grade.  She was cooler than I was.  However, I didn't feel like such a total loss at this point.  Sister and I still fought all the time, and it was never over anything that should really warrant a fight.  It was such a constant thing for us.  Anyhow, I had high hopes for 8th grade. 

There was a lot more going for us this year.  For starters, our school periods went from 7 a day to 4 a day, and that was awesome!  School started at 7:35, we were out of there by 2:30 everyday.  It was cool.  I, of course, took band all year long.  We got to walk to the high school for band, which was after lunch.  I still think that having band right after eating lunch, is just not the best idea. 

My best friend became, for the entire year, Alicia Clark.  We were always together and it was nice to feel like I had a friend that was an actual friend.  She thought enough of me to want to hang out with me everyday.  I was pretty cool then :) (Obviously, at this point in life, I had some serious issues with self esteem, that while it took a long time to get through it all, I have since found that I love myself, and I am worth it.)  I can still pick up Fritos and cottage cheese and have myself my own little party and think of her.  Thomas says that sounds pregnant, but, it's not.. it's good. 

At the beginning of the year, I was sure that I was going to start going out with this guy, Josh.  I am not sure why I thought this, it just almost seemed that it was suppose to happen then.  I was somehow convinced of it.  And then, there was a new girl at school who was athletic and long blonde hair and was just so it.  Rachel and I did NOT like each other.  It was almost a competition with her with everything, and I was losing badly.  Once again, I had P.E. first hour and was lucky enough to have Rachel in that class.  Luckily, I had a few other girls that were my friends in that class so I didn't feel bad.  I can honestly say that while she bested me at damn near every sport we did, there was one that I did, that she couldn't beat me at. 

So there we are in class, out on the football field doing our track and field studies.  There was high jump, long jump, long distance running and sprinting.  I was not that great at most all of these, expect for one.  Sprinting, which, if you looked at me, it didn't seem to make too much sense how I was able to move that fast.  There was two runners to go at a time, and I, in my cute little moccasins shoes, decided to run against Jenny.  She was tall and had much longer legs than what I did, so, I just thought, I was glad that she asked me to run with her.  So, we run, and much to my surprise, I was very far ahead of her.  In fact, so much so, that my teacher just dropped her jaw.  So, then, she told me that I had to run with Rachel... oh man!!! My least favorite person, and now I have to be tortured and run with her.  It didn't really occur to me what was going on at this point.  So, I walk back down to the starting line, and boy, I can feel the anger just seeping out of both of us.  It was like mortal enemies facing each other in combat.  She had gotten me so many times, and this was the last thing that I had that I could do.  Start!  We run, and from all accounts from the girls in my class, I was leading, by a great deal and she stops, sits down on the track and grabs her knee.  So, I stop, and start to run around, and am yelled at to finish the race.  I finished... and that day, I ran a 12.47 100 yard dash.  I set a record for the school  :) 

Needless to say, I ran track starting this year in school.  I have to say, that was the most triumphant moment of that year that I can remember (even in talking with Lexi now, she completely agrees with me on that one).  I did well in school and went to church and once again, annoyed Derek to death, as well as everyone else I was around, but, when it came to band or track, it was a time for me to really shine and feel good about myself.  I did honor band that year too.  And to try out, we had to practice a fast paced piece and play it for an audition.  I never practiced it, and still made it.  I was just good at few things and those were the two things that made my life worth it for that year. 

During track season, Rachel and I had gotten over what ever it was that we hated about each other and became running partners for the season.  We ran the same races so it was natural that we would run a lot together.  We actually ran the 4 X 200, she was the anchor, and I was the lead.  At one point in practice, I remember one of the guys I know, David Valentine (who was in my 5th grade class and interestingly enough, he became a figure in school even after high school... He was an awesome guy) helping me out, and I was suppose to be practicing taking off.  So, like a stubborn shit that I am, I said, I don't need the blocks to start, I can do fine without them.  And my track coach, Mr. Murrdock said OK, and let me start without the blocks.  Ready, set... Go!  Step step step, fall on my face, rolling on the track laughing so hard because of the irony of what he was telling me would happen if I didn't use the blocks.  David and I just laughed and laughed at it.  It was so funny, what a stubborn shit I was being.  OK, fine, I will try the blocks... after I stop laughing.  It was in that moment, I was voted Most Inspirational Player that year.  I was honored by it.  I still have that medal too.  I was so proud of myself!!! Even my parents were proud of me that year, it was such an awesome feeling!  And it's funny, I can remember the night of the awards, after being given this award, I thought someone else had deserved it and I remember crying over this, but, the details really escape me right now... guess it wasn't that big of deal at that point. 

I still had a crush on Derek, and Mike, and Josh, and another Josh, and by this time, we were all going to the same church, and I had a serious issues with letting my emotions get the best of me.  It was going to be a really fun year coming up and I was really looking forward to going to camp again this year, but, hopefully, it would be better this time.  Sister was going this time, and I wish I could remember if this was the year that we went to NAU or not, but, I was sure it was going to be better this time (after consulting with her, it wasn't until the next year, after my freshman year, that we went to NAU for camp, thank you sister :).  

Once again, for camp, I found that I still had a really hard time with being a socially acceptable normal person, in fact, I'm still not really, but, I make do now.  I wanted to be liked so badly, and I could never really understand what I was doing wrong.  It's funny how I try to think of the order of things, and for the life of me, I can't remember what year went with what year at camp.  I think that in my second year of camp, we were in these really nice rooms, but, then again, it could have been two years later... I don't really remember... I think that as the years went by, I realized that the guys that I had a crush on were never going to like me, which just put me into this weird obsessive phase where I would try to hard to hold onto anything with them.  It didn't work so well for me with that one.  I think, this was the year that we were in these really nice rooms and they formed a courtyard where all the windows faced into each other.  I spent a lot of time alone... I listened to Tori Amos and The Doors and I longed for a friend, and a boyfriend, I wanted to find out why everyone else seemed to have one where the guys I knew just saw me as a friend, not girlfriend material.  I remember that I gave my room key to Mike, he said that he just needed to get out of his room every once in a while, and we were friends.  He told me one day, I went to your room today, you were sleeping... so I just stayed there and watched you sleep.  ???????  That never made sense to me, but, hey, he was the guy I adored and wanted peace and came to watch me sleep for some, who was I to argue with that. 

We came home from camp and life was, as it usually is with Lexi and I normal, fighting with each other.  On each other's nerves but, loving it at the same time.  Little did I know that sister, was to be the best friend I would ever have in school, and for that, I am so grateful.  She still thinks I am bit batty, but, whatever, I have fun.  In fact, I call Piper Lexi so often, that I sometimes think I should have named her Lexi too.  ...... Too bad I won't have anymore kids now that I think about it.  Anyhow, life moved on, and soon, I was to be a freshman.  I had marching band to look forward to as well as just being a freshman.  I think the only other class that I enjoyed would be wood shop, but, that's getting a little a head of myself now :)

I really wanted to go to high school and be a good student.  I was sure that, with it being more people there in the school, there would be a guy who would see me and think I was girlfriend material, not just a friend.  I wanted to be the 4.0 student that Crystal was and I wanted to have fun and enjoy it as much as possible.  I wanted to be good in sports like sister was and try many different things.  There were some changes in store for me because, when I went from one school to the next, I seemed to have changed a little bit too.  I wanted that change to be for the better, but, that didn't come for many, many years after I was already gone from school.  Truthfully, I was a very lonely girl, who hung out with other girls who walked all over me and treated me like shit.  I am glad that I can see it for it what it was now, but, I can only imagine what life would have been like if I had known this then, and done things differently.  I don't waste my time thinking about most of school.  I have forgotten the majority of it for many of these reasons.  I have highlights that I can remember, but, for the most part, it wasn't a great time.  I know so many people who look back and think that high school was so great, I am not one of them.  My freshman year was the highlight of school, while the summer after graduation was the most fun I had ever had... but those stories are to come in a little while....

OK, my clothes are really needing to be put away now, they have been there a few too many days :)  Night :)


PS, While my writing seems very scattered at times, and somewhat hard to follow, that's really how I think, and how I tend to talk.  These are the memories that I have chosen to share with you.  Some people have had their last names left out, and others, they were good to me and I wanted to give them a shout out for their kindness and what they meant to me.  In some cases, where names aren't mentioned, to me, it's not about the person that did or did not do something, it's about the memory itself.  I don't want to put out for the world to read something really shitty that they did, they already know it was them, I don't have to put names to it.  For my friends, if you read this and see that your name is in there, and you wish to have it removed, just let me know, I will be happy to do so... However, if you read this and see that you're mentioned with no name, now you know why... have a good day...

The power of our minds

I once watched the movie Sphere with Dustin Hoffman, Samuel Jackson, and Sharon Stone.  In this movie, which I am about to give away the plot like here, so if you haven't seen it, you will now hear something about it now.  The premise of the movie is there is this sphere at the bottom of the ocean that these researches find.  They somehow are able to get into this sphere and when they come out they are able to somehow conjure up the scariest things that they think of.  And it kills some of the people they are there with.  Now, at the end of the movie, they all agree that whatever it is, it doesn't exists at all, and they all made it up, and then, as if by some power, they all forget it.  Now, when I saw this movie, the question that came to my mind was, if we have the power within us to make all of our worst fears come true, what can we accomplish when we set our minds to doing something great?

I have watched the movie The Secret, and as silly as some may find it, I didn't.  I found it to be inspirational to me.  Not because of why Thomas thinks it silly, but, because I believe that we, as humans, have the power within our selves, to make all of our dreams, good and bad become our reality.  Hmmmm......  I find it so interesting that we can control our situations with just the thoughts we have everyday.  And, I'm sure it takes a bit of practice to get it down, but, think of the possibilities.  I try so hard not to think of the things that scare me for fear that my fears may come to pass.  I don't even dare tell anyone what these fears are because, I don't want to put any energy, good or bad into them.  I do try to stay positive.  I tend to overreact and be somewhat irrational at times, but, in those times, I have to step back and take a moment to let my mind be quieted.  For me, in these quiet times, I am able to deal with these things and let them go.  I see myself getting exactly what I want.  And even if it doesn't happen when I think it should, for me, it always happens.  I always get what I want. I know that sounds a lot arrogant, but, it's true.  If I can put the right kind of energy into getting this thing, then I have no doubt that it will come to pass. 

There is another movie, that has just been done called The Cure Is and it goes into what we can manifest in our bodies by our thoughts.  There are many who can say that they have succumbed to the bad health issues that they have, but, this was a story about those who did not accept what they were told.  They took a different approach to their own healing.  And another question, why do we automatically assume the worst, why not find the ones who beat it, and find out what they did.  For, if they did nothing more than just the power of laughter, meditation, love and positive thinking, why would anyone ever do anything else?  Now, don't get me wrong, they had a lot of doctors and treatments and medications, but when given a death sentence they didn't give up.  That's when they started using their minds.  So, don't think I am going to tell you that you can cure all sorts of aliments just from your mind, I would strongly suggest seeing your primary care physician before you take it into your own hands.

Today, after being sad and feeling sorry for myself, I still did what I had to do, but then, I stopped and really let my mind go for about 20 minutes.  I listened to my new meditation music, and I saw the things that I needed to let go, and I let them go.  I saw the things that I wanted, and I saw myself in that situation.  I have some more that I need to think on, but, for now, I am going to sit back and watch the amazing power of my own mind at work.  I will get to where I want to be, I just have to be in that energy, and right now, I am not quite there, but, almost... maybe later this week for sure :)

:(

I feel very sad right now, though, I don't really want to talk about it.  I think instead, I'm going to put on my new meditation music, put lots of love into the room, be very grateful, and envision the things that I would like to see happen, happening.  I am hoping this will improve my mood, but, I am not too sure about this yet.  Feeling bleak right now :(