Or Not

I love it when you most need something, it seems to magically happen...  Though I had thought things were going to go totally opposite of what I was thinking, it now could very well be as we had hoped... I love being vague... I have no idea really, but, hope has been restored as well as my resolve to be optimistic about everything.

Defeated

I am normally a very happy optimistic person.  I try to see things from both sides of an issue, I avoid a lot of confrontation with those that I am close to.  I hate it when people argue and make each other feel like a piece of shit.  I really don't like the feeling of giving up and admitting defeat in any way.  It breaks me down in a way that nothing else does.  This morning, I was told that I have to accept things as they are and be able to be grateful for the way they are right now. 

I cried at this.  Why do I feel that accepting defeat is a bad thing.  Just means that there are other options out there, right?  I can't see those other options right now.  I am blinded by my own tears of disappointment.  I'm mad at myself for letting me get my hopes up in the first place.  But what is our existence without hope?  It's something that we cling to in the darkest times of our life, feeling like we know that if we just hang on a little longer, something great is going to come along.  And we wait and wait and wait for something... anything.  It's funny to me how I feel about hope.  Some days I am very happy and joyful and more hope in life than I can possibly explain.  And then I have days like today.  There is nothing wrong, I slept pretty good, I enjoyed my morning with my love, and got into the car to come to work, and BAM! It was like, everything that I had been thinking would happen just suddenly disappeared and in it's place all I could see was exactly where I was right then.  And that's all that I see. 

I love where I live, it's home for me.  But there is so much more out there that I want to be a part of.  I have the picture of this place that I want to live.  It's a real place and it's lovely and beautiful and amazing, and offers so many more things that I cannot get or do here.  It's where I long to be.  It's where we as a group are hoping to get to.  It's where I want to send Piper to school.  I have seen myself there, working, writing, running, loving life, swimming, being able to be a mom who is home when my little one gets home.  And for as much as I want to be there, I was told that it's probably not going to happen this year.  I feel very let down at this.  I had envisioned myself finishing up with my last class for my Associates Degree in General Studies, and then being able to start school in the fall in this beautiful place.  And now, I just don't know what I see for myself.  I don't see it going the way we had hoped for. 

For me, there is nothing worse than hoping for the best to come, working hard to help it along, and then, it's all dashed away in an instant.  I will get over it I'm sure and then I will find something else to look forward to.  But for this moment, I am a bit sad.  I will drink my coffee, eat my breakfast (left over quesadilla and brownie) and get myself to doing something at work.  I hold out on that slim possibility that despite all the stuff that could hold us back, that this miracle will happen and we will be able to start again, in a new place together.  It will happen, I know this, but, for now, I will have to put on that happy face and just fake it a lot today.  Perhaps I will feel better later on, but, not right this second.  I feel like I'm at that point where I am ok... until someone asks if I am ok, then I may just lose my shit and have a breakdown.  Or not.