This week, I have been thinking of the things that make us, people, happy in our lives. What is it that some have and others, just can't seem to get any off? Why do we have these lives that seem to take on so much and we find that we are not happy in any way?
I have got it. I figured it out. It is my experience that far too many of us, to start with, don't like ourselves. Why? What is it about us that just turns our stomachs? I am not too sure what it is for everyone, but, it took me a long time to get this one. It's that we see what we are, and we see what everyone else sees as beautiful and in our minds, the two just don't align with one another. But how to fix that, that's the real kicker.
To start with, we take a good look at ourselves. Get undressed and stand in front of the mirror and look at what we have been given. Get a good look at it. Really see what it is that bothers you the most. Is it really your body that makes you so upset or is it something that goes deeper? Realize that you only have this one body to do whatever it is that you are here to do. Like it or not, and if you don't like what you see, do something about it. I am not fond of what I see, but, I think that when I look into the mirror, I'm not too worried about how dimply my ass is, it's more about, what do others see when they see me? Do I reflect the light that I feel within myself? Do my eyes shine and sparkle? Can I smile with my eyes alone? Or is it something else? Do they see that I am angry or that I am just unhappy? Do they look at me and wonder why am I so sad, what is it about me that I don't like?
Me personally, I shine :) I am like a sparkly star that is here on earth and loves and feels joy and realizes that I am only here for a short while, so I want to be as happy as I can be. True, I have stress and I have life to deal with, but, I don't let that get to me. I still smile, and when it becomes too much, I cry.
I was reading this morning, in my Insight of the Day, that there are many people in this world who are so unhappy that they are like Dump Trucks and they just want to unload their shit all over you. And the trick is when they dump all that shit all over you, to just wave, smile and wish happiness and love to them. I would have to say that sometimes it is hard to not let it the shit get to me. I am tuned in to other people's energy and when they are in a bad mood I feel like I am being sucked dry of all my energy. In moments like this, I close my eyes and imagine a golden waterfall flowing over me head filling me up and that this gold is pouring from my hands into these people and that way I am not being drained of all my energy.
How did I get like this you may be wondering? What happened in my life that made me this way? Some times, I have bad days too. I feel like the whole world is falling down and I don't know what to do. It started when I was kicked out of the Navy. Less than a year later, my marriage was so completely falling apart and Joey left me. I was so lost and desperate and sad and depressed and unhappy. I had no clue how to smile. I felt like this empty thing left to wander this earth alone. I was lucky though. I had Piper to remind me that there was something worth living for. I knew that my sadness would only bring her sadness so I started slowly. I moved away from Joey. I was heartbroken that he never once asked me to stay. I moved back into my parents home and it was the hardest thing for me when the house was empty and I didn't know what to do.
I got a job, and working was a good thing. I began to date another man and that was nice. He was nice to me, and he made me smile. It was a huge ego boost for me. We only dated for a short while, but, we were still together a lot. In fact, he moved in with me for about 8 months. In April or May or June or 2009, I found my friend Jessica again. I was so happy to see her again. We started talking and with very little provocation, I was enrolled into the Therapeutic Massage Program at the local college. It just seemed like a good thing to do at the time, plus it would give me a career. By this time, I had been divorced for not a year yet, and the hardest thing I ever did, was sending Piper to stay with her dad while I was in school. It wasn't fair to her that I couldn't be around to give her what she needs, and Joey, being the dad he is, was very happy to let her come stay with him for that time.
What started as a way to get through life and find a career, turned into the event that changed my life. I first realized how toxic the relationship I had with my ex boyfriend was. So, after some prompting from a friend at work, I went for an Angel Reading. Not quite the same as a Tarot reading, mostly good things were told to me, and it was an amazing experience. She knew things about me, before I told her. She knew how hard life had been in the recent past, and what she did tell me, was, good things are in store for me, I just have to raise my vibration a lot and everything that I have been wanting will show up, almost as if by magic. I bought her book, it is 8 Keys: A Special Delivery Message From The Angels by Linda West.
Now, normally, I would read a book in one sitting and this one, took me a while. I had to do the meditations in there and really take a look at what I saw. She also suggested that I take a class she was doing at the college on my birthday. I didn't want to go. It was my birthday and I wanted to play, but, in the end, I went. The change within me was so great that in three weeks, she didn't even recognize me.
One thing this book taught was to forgive. Always, every time. Forgiveness is a huge thing and for so many, they just don't understand why they should do it. Here's why you should forgive. When we forgive others for the things that have hurt us, we let go of the anger and are open to new and happier things to happen. We forgive because we deserve to have peace. The hardest person to forgive is ourselves. So, yes, you have to forgive even yourself of all the things that you have done to hurt others. It may take time to do so, and you may be doing it for a while, but, I promise, without that anger inside, you will start to feel much better.
So, learn to love yourself, and forgive others and yourself. What else could there be in life to make you happy though? Love. I'm not saying that you should run out and find whomever is sitting there and just go for it. Decide that it's time, and if it's not, then stop worrying about it. You have to make yourself happy before you should take up the challenge of making anyone else happy. I took a good look at my past relationships and saw things that I didn't like, and instead of focusing on finding a man who wasn't all of those things, I made a list of things that I did want to find in him. I wanted him be like me first. I wanted him to say nice things to me. I wanted someone who was smarter than I am so I have someone who would challenge me to do more and be more and achieve more than what I had. I wanted to find someone who only saw me in black and white, because I think I look so much better in black and white. And when I stopped thinking of a man that I didn't want, and started to think about finding a mate and a partner whom I did want, it was a very short amount of time before I discovered that he had been sitting next to me for the past 6 months.
From Thomas, I have learned to like my kids as people and to appreciate the individuals that they are. I have learned that when it comes to paperwork, he has the worst luck, but that doesn't stop me. I have learned to deal with a lot more stress than I ever thought possible, and through it, I have learned that I can improve more upon myself.
I know that I am a selfish, self absorbed female who doesn't always think of others. But I am working on that. I know that I need to learn to do more around the house instead of bitching, and I am working on that as well. I know that if I want to have my clothes cleaned, then I need to get up off of my ass and do the laundry... and so I do.
Happiness has not always been this easy for me. And I still have days where I feel like shit, or I am feel that I am causing extreme displeasure, but, I keep going, knowing that my happiness is dependent only on myself. I make the choice to be happy, and I make the choice to smile. I like to smile, smiling is my favorite thing. I don't' like my own smile, but, I don't have to see it :) For me, happiness is being at peace with myself and the world around me. I cannot say that it's always peaceful here, but, we try. (Haha, we, like I have this mouse in my pocket right :)
I still have much to work on, like I should really start to vocalize when I am upset and not be so forgiving when someone hurts my feelings and I know that I shouldn't cry so much, but, I do. It's what I do. I think crying is a way of washing all the bad feelings out of my soul. It's like, cleaning.
For you, to be happy may not be the same things that it is for me, and that's totally OK with me. I know what makes me happy, and I have found joy in the life that I have. I want more sure, but, that is mostly that I want Publisher's Clearing House to come to my door with a check for like $8,500.00 every week for the rest of my life. Or to check my Power Ball tickets and find that I have just won like $46,000,000.00. That would be awesome, but, if it doesn't happen, I'm not going to let that bother me. I find happiness in finding pennies on the ground, and I feel rich when I find more.. like a nickel, or even a quarter.
What makes me happy? My Love, my family, my friends.... My life!
No comments:
Post a Comment