This evening, as it has been for the last few weeks, I am starting to lose my sense of humor when it comes to Piper eating dinner. We seem to do well when it's stuff that she really likes, but, if I was to take some roast, potatoes and cheese and put that all together, it's going to be met with tears and lots of crying. I am losing my patience with it. I literally see myself exploding at her with lots of volume and I don't want to do that.
I called Crystal to see what's the best approach to this, I was lost. I loved it, so simple and yet, so effective. If she doesn't want to eat, fine she doesn't have to... However, there is no snack and no, you can't have something else to eat instead. If you're hungry, you will eat what is put in front of you. And it's not like I haven't tried it. But she will cry and cry and whine about it, and now, I am know that it's not going to be that bad. I won't argue with her, and I'm not going to be mean about it. Either you will eat or you won't, but, I'm not going to put myself through the guilt of making her eat something she doesn't want to. I am sure that I will have to do it a few times, but, really, is there another way?
I remember sitting at the table with a bowl of clam chowder for lunch, and then dinner... and then breakfast and again at lunch, it was the worst for me. And no, I won't eat it now either. But after a full 24 hours, I guess that was enough of protest for my parents to know I won't eat it. There were other things that I didn't like, but I would eat it anyway, because that's what was for dinner. I'm not a fan of stew or soup or anything seafood. However, I will try new things because it's good to try new things once in a while. I recently tried to gag down stuffed mushrooms... not so much I think. I would be better off trying escargot. And I don't know if I could do that.
The situation the other night was really a bad one. I felt like my whole head would implode if I did not walk away from it and take a few deep breaths. It's not that I am trying to torture my child by feeding her things she's not too keen on, but, it's what was easy, crock pot cooking that didnt' require a lot of time once I got home from work. I can't complain, someone else cooked and I am so grateful for Thomas cooking. He's a life saver daily! He is the one who does the dishes and cleans the house and does all the little things that I hate doing, like cleaning the bathroom. We share laundry duties and that's cool. I hate to have anyone else fold my clothes, I'm just weird like that... In my world, if someone comes to me for a massage, and the sheets are wrinkly, I feel like they aren't taking care of their tools. I know, weird thoughts really, but, that's me.
On a side note, I was thinking about how Piper will be 7 this week. I was looking at her last night, and I can see how much she's changed in the last year, and she's so big and beautiful and amazing, and she's growing up. I can see her in a few years, she's such a sweet girl, I want to her stay that way, sweet, kind to others, thoughtful. I think I don't want her to get any bigger, but, it's kind of inevitable. And those eyes, so big and blue, clear and bright with much wonder about everything.
The other day, I was making fun of people that I see. I know a man who is trying to convert me to LDS, three ladies who are trying to run away from the LDS church, two people who told me the earth is only 6000 years old, and one woman who said that the Bible is a factual account of the history of the world. I laugh at it all. I don't buy into so much of religion says happened and there is much that I really disagree with. We were laughing at this at dinner, and Piper said that God would be really mad at Thomas for saying things like this. While I admire her spirit and reasoning with why she said that, I told her that I don't want her to really make any decisions on faith or belief until she is at least 10 years old. Not because I don't want to teach her about it, but, because I don't think her mind can really grasp what is trying to be spoon fed to her. I want her to make her own decisions about life, death and whatever deity she chooses. I know that some would argue that I am going about it wrong, but, why teach her something that I don't believe. Why teach her what I believe when she's got a hard time realizing that Wrath of Khan was a make believe movie. There is no way for her mind to really get it until she is a little older.
Anyhow, it's time for a nice little nap and then I am off to workout for a bit. I like the way that I feel after working out. All full of energy and smiles. Later all... Peace <3 :="" p="">
Friday, September 27, 2013
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Disconnect
Last night, Thomas and I watched a movie with Jason Bateman, whom I love, called Disconnect. It looked really good when I read about it at the Redbox, but, I had no idea what to expect. By the end of the movie, I was crying, what else is new, and I really wanted to delete my Facebook account right then.
I guess when I grew up, we didn't worry about bullies, because if we couldn't take care of it, then, we deserved to be bullied. We weren't afraid of standing up for ourselves. Yet, now, growing up in the digital age, there is such a huge difference in the way kids bully each other now. I have seen more than what I would ever want, kids who go out and drink and do stupid things and then have it plastered all over social media. One girl actually killed herself over the humiliation that it caused. How sad!! Suicide is never the answer, but, when everyone knows what you did or didn't do and there are pictures to prove it, wow, that really could be the end of the world for some. So sad to think of the reality of it all.
There was a couple who had lost a baby, and no longer talked to each other, so they found other ways to deal with their grief. They became victims of identity theft. It was hard for me to watch the man slowly cracking under the pressure of life.
A reporter who was only out to get ahead and didn't realize the lives she would ruin in the process. It was literally hard to watch it all unfold in front of me.. I wanted to hide under the sheets, but, it's reality for so many people.
I love my life, and I am so happy grateful for everything that I have in it. We all have our moments, and that's to be expected, but, wow. I think I do live in a glass bubble where everyone is good and kind and true and no one is really out to hurt anyone and everyone in the process. I kind of like to think of humans as being basically good, but, there are so many who are lonely and hopeless and don't have anywhere to turn to. There are so many who internalize everything, you don't realize that they are a ticking time bomb, just waiting for someone to flip the switch. Kind of hard to imagine that we have gotten to this point in our society. We are more connected through our social media, and the Internet, yet, we can't seem to communicate to the ones who are in the same room with us. We live in bigger houses, but, we don't know how to call it home. We know entertainment, but no pleasure. We talk more and listen less. We have all this information yet we seem to be going backwards with out brain power.
None of this really makes sense to me. I keep thinking that we should be eating dinner together every night, kids should know what corporal punishment is. I am a huge fan of making sure that cartoons are a Saturday morning treat. I think I am old fashioned though... Anyhow, I have to go make dinner... green chicken enchiladas... with fresh green chilies and home grown yellow onions... it's going to be epic... I think even Kelsie is going to be home for dinner :)
I guess when I grew up, we didn't worry about bullies, because if we couldn't take care of it, then, we deserved to be bullied. We weren't afraid of standing up for ourselves. Yet, now, growing up in the digital age, there is such a huge difference in the way kids bully each other now. I have seen more than what I would ever want, kids who go out and drink and do stupid things and then have it plastered all over social media. One girl actually killed herself over the humiliation that it caused. How sad!! Suicide is never the answer, but, when everyone knows what you did or didn't do and there are pictures to prove it, wow, that really could be the end of the world for some. So sad to think of the reality of it all.
There was a couple who had lost a baby, and no longer talked to each other, so they found other ways to deal with their grief. They became victims of identity theft. It was hard for me to watch the man slowly cracking under the pressure of life.
A reporter who was only out to get ahead and didn't realize the lives she would ruin in the process. It was literally hard to watch it all unfold in front of me.. I wanted to hide under the sheets, but, it's reality for so many people.
I love my life, and I am so happy grateful for everything that I have in it. We all have our moments, and that's to be expected, but, wow. I think I do live in a glass bubble where everyone is good and kind and true and no one is really out to hurt anyone and everyone in the process. I kind of like to think of humans as being basically good, but, there are so many who are lonely and hopeless and don't have anywhere to turn to. There are so many who internalize everything, you don't realize that they are a ticking time bomb, just waiting for someone to flip the switch. Kind of hard to imagine that we have gotten to this point in our society. We are more connected through our social media, and the Internet, yet, we can't seem to communicate to the ones who are in the same room with us. We live in bigger houses, but, we don't know how to call it home. We know entertainment, but no pleasure. We talk more and listen less. We have all this information yet we seem to be going backwards with out brain power.
None of this really makes sense to me. I keep thinking that we should be eating dinner together every night, kids should know what corporal punishment is. I am a huge fan of making sure that cartoons are a Saturday morning treat. I think I am old fashioned though... Anyhow, I have to go make dinner... green chicken enchiladas... with fresh green chilies and home grown yellow onions... it's going to be epic... I think even Kelsie is going to be home for dinner :)
Friday, September 20, 2013
My mask
When I was in 7th grade, we did a female youth Bible study group and one of the things that we talked about was living with a mask on. Tonight however, my mask is consisting of Mint Julep mud. I next plan to jump in the shower, rinse it all off, then use my face sander and see if that seems to help the case of, eating wheat again, and it's making my face break out terribly so I have to do something about it before it makes me fucking crazy!
I have tried to give up wheat once again, and for today, I have done wonderfully. And yesterday, I did pretty good, I had half a burger, so only half the bun. I am thinking it was the easy Mac that I had on Monday that really did me in. And what sucks is that I know this is what kills my skin, and yet, I have a hard time trying to give up the most awful thing for me to eat. I have to do it this time. Kind of like with working out. I have a goal, to hit size 10 by Christmas. It's totally doable and I plan on making it, maybe plus some. I hate to admit it, but, I will have to get up early, this whole trying to do it after Piper goes to bed, just gives me more time to make excuses. But, what kind of a reward can I give to myself for making my goal? Aside from the joy of having to wear clothes that are all 2 sizes too big for me, I will have the joy of knowing that I did it. But, I want a little bit more than that. I was given the suggestion of buying a pretty dress in the size that I want and hang it where I will see it everyday, but, I don't wear dresses, so I really wouldn't see the need to get something that I really don't wear much of right now... though, maybe for the fall festival I will wear a dress... I have a few nice ones that are just dying to be worn. A pedicure maybe, but, something really good... I would like to think that I have the money to do something really special for myself, like buy a new piece of jewelry, like my right hand ring. I know that it's my job to buy myself jewelry, so, maybe this would be a really good incentive... hmmmm.... Diamond of course, because, I'm worth it!
Back to the mask thing, after this one comes off tonight, it should have been coming off about ten minutes ago, I love the idea of giving my face a break from all the lotions and things out there. I am considering going back to bar soap to wash my face too... And of course I have the original bar soap for faces :) But, what of this other mask. The one that we wear and replace for the different people in our lives. For me, I try to be as real as I can be, even with my daughter. I don't want her to see me one way with her and a totally different way with anyone else. I can seem cold and I have a bark when it comes to dealing with Piper, but, it's not because I don't love her, it's because I want her to see what she is doing and why what she is doing is either right or wrong. I want to be able to talk to my clients the same way I would talk to my friends. Some of them, that's not going to happen, not every client needs to know I have a potty sailor mouth, but, I am polite, and I am respectful of them when I know that they are a certain way.
The mask that I wear, I try to make sure it's the same one that Thomas sees at night when we are in bed talking. I want to be sure that he always sees me the same way. Sure I'm a bit flakey (in truth, I am very flakey), but I know this about myself, and I can walk by so many things that need to be done, and not care if it gets done or not, but, all in all, I want him to see me, the real me, always.
For most couples, they don't see themselves the way the other sees them. I know that Thomas loves me, and he loves my size and he supports me to do what I want when it comes to losing weight, but, I don't' see me like that at all. I have a hard time getting past the look of myself, though, once in a while, I will send him a text that says, you're girlfriend is fucking hot!! He laughs and agrees with me. But I see him as super sexy grownup kind of guy, but, he doesn't see that at all. I tell him a lot too, because I want him to know that I love him for him.
Anyhow, it's way past time to wash this stuff off my face, so I am going to shower for now... Good night all... Don't let the bed bugs bite!!! And if they do, bite them back, much harder! Peace all...
I have tried to give up wheat once again, and for today, I have done wonderfully. And yesterday, I did pretty good, I had half a burger, so only half the bun. I am thinking it was the easy Mac that I had on Monday that really did me in. And what sucks is that I know this is what kills my skin, and yet, I have a hard time trying to give up the most awful thing for me to eat. I have to do it this time. Kind of like with working out. I have a goal, to hit size 10 by Christmas. It's totally doable and I plan on making it, maybe plus some. I hate to admit it, but, I will have to get up early, this whole trying to do it after Piper goes to bed, just gives me more time to make excuses. But, what kind of a reward can I give to myself for making my goal? Aside from the joy of having to wear clothes that are all 2 sizes too big for me, I will have the joy of knowing that I did it. But, I want a little bit more than that. I was given the suggestion of buying a pretty dress in the size that I want and hang it where I will see it everyday, but, I don't wear dresses, so I really wouldn't see the need to get something that I really don't wear much of right now... though, maybe for the fall festival I will wear a dress... I have a few nice ones that are just dying to be worn. A pedicure maybe, but, something really good... I would like to think that I have the money to do something really special for myself, like buy a new piece of jewelry, like my right hand ring. I know that it's my job to buy myself jewelry, so, maybe this would be a really good incentive... hmmmm.... Diamond of course, because, I'm worth it!
Back to the mask thing, after this one comes off tonight, it should have been coming off about ten minutes ago, I love the idea of giving my face a break from all the lotions and things out there. I am considering going back to bar soap to wash my face too... And of course I have the original bar soap for faces :) But, what of this other mask. The one that we wear and replace for the different people in our lives. For me, I try to be as real as I can be, even with my daughter. I don't want her to see me one way with her and a totally different way with anyone else. I can seem cold and I have a bark when it comes to dealing with Piper, but, it's not because I don't love her, it's because I want her to see what she is doing and why what she is doing is either right or wrong. I want to be able to talk to my clients the same way I would talk to my friends. Some of them, that's not going to happen, not every client needs to know I have a potty sailor mouth, but, I am polite, and I am respectful of them when I know that they are a certain way.
The mask that I wear, I try to make sure it's the same one that Thomas sees at night when we are in bed talking. I want to be sure that he always sees me the same way. Sure I'm a bit flakey (in truth, I am very flakey), but I know this about myself, and I can walk by so many things that need to be done, and not care if it gets done or not, but, all in all, I want him to see me, the real me, always.
For most couples, they don't see themselves the way the other sees them. I know that Thomas loves me, and he loves my size and he supports me to do what I want when it comes to losing weight, but, I don't' see me like that at all. I have a hard time getting past the look of myself, though, once in a while, I will send him a text that says, you're girlfriend is fucking hot!! He laughs and agrees with me. But I see him as super sexy grownup kind of guy, but, he doesn't see that at all. I tell him a lot too, because I want him to know that I love him for him.
Anyhow, it's way past time to wash this stuff off my face, so I am going to shower for now... Good night all... Don't let the bed bugs bite!!! And if they do, bite them back, much harder! Peace all...
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
What is healthy?
This morning, I was on Facebook, I know, I hate Facebook, and I saw a picture of a girl named Stella. She was beautiful and full figured and had a great smile. The picture was in black and white, she was in her black strapless bra and black underwear, and she looked great. The caption on it read something to the effect of here's to all the people who called me names, here's to the girl who taunted me until high school and called me lard because I didn't look like her, here's to me celebrating my own happiness in my own body.
I thought it was great. The last few comments were really what made me stop and think for a few minutes. The very last one was saying how awesome it is that women everywhere are accepting their bodies and being happy with themselves. The one just on top of it was from a young man who said something to the effect that he thought it was a horrible thing how unhealthy she was and I can't believe you would even think that's acceptable and he went on for a bit. And his comments got me to thinking about it more.
I understand there are always going to be critics and there will always be people who don't like what they don't understand, but, what I don't get it why do we have to judge a woman solely by the way she looks to determine her value? How does he know if she's healthy or not, because she soft looking? How does he know if she eats only organic food and has been working out regularly for the last few years to get to where she's at? How dare you think that it's OK to sit and judge others?!
But, is this whole response a learned behavior? How did we get to a point where we think that stick figures are to be the example of what beauty is or ought to be? I can't help but wonder if our society has done this to ourselves. I mean yes, there is an obesity epidemic and yes there are lots of people who are very overweight, but, why do we have to assume that because a woman doesn't look like a Victoria's Secret Model that she's not worth it.
I happen to find women with more meat on their bones very attractive. I tend to like the idea of being able to hold on to something. What's even more attractive is a woman who is confident. A woman who struts when she walks and loves herself in spite of herself. A woman whose smile will light up a room, no matter what she looks like. A woman who truly loves being in her skin... no matter what her size is.
I wonder when did we teach our kids that it's OK to be mean to others because they don't look like us. I know that kids have been doing it for generations, but, what's wrong with teaching them that it's not OK to do so. It's not OK to purposely hurt others to make yourself feel better. I wonder how am I going to teach this to Piper, because, Kelsie, is doing really good at it. (At least, I would hope so) How do I tell Piper that just because a person doesn't look just like you, doesn't make them a bad person or anything like that, it just makes them different, just like everyone is different. I try to tell her that our differences are what make us all unique. I try to teach her that our goal should be to help others and if we cannot help others, at least don't hurt them. I wonder if I am setting a good example for her. I know that my road rage does tend to get the best of me sometimes, (there are so many bad drivers, and the teenagers are the worst!), but I try to make sure that she knows that we are here to help. I don't know when I will figure it out, but, I hope that she is that light in the room. The face that smiles so bright, everyone wants to be around it. She has a beautiful soul and I am truly blessed that she chose me for her mom. I hope that I do a good job teaching her.
Anyhow, I couldn't sleep and had to get this out there. Watched The Missing, not a scary movie, but, intense. Needed a moment to think of something else. I don't know where our society went wrong, but, I am trying to make it right, I can start with myself and hopefully give my girls the resources they need to make this world a better place for all of mankind.
On another note, I didn't have anyone try to convert me this week... That is nice. I want to put this out there as well, I am very happy in my faith and beliefs. Just because you don't believe them, doesn't make me wrong or right and it doesn't make you wrong or right, it just means we live in country where it's our right to choice whatever faith that we want. And to those who think that the world is only 6,000 years old, I really disagree with that, and science has proven otherwise, but, if that's what you think, then go ahead. Just don't try to tell me that I am the strange one because I don't quite trust what you're saying. Night all, peace
I thought it was great. The last few comments were really what made me stop and think for a few minutes. The very last one was saying how awesome it is that women everywhere are accepting their bodies and being happy with themselves. The one just on top of it was from a young man who said something to the effect that he thought it was a horrible thing how unhealthy she was and I can't believe you would even think that's acceptable and he went on for a bit. And his comments got me to thinking about it more.
I understand there are always going to be critics and there will always be people who don't like what they don't understand, but, what I don't get it why do we have to judge a woman solely by the way she looks to determine her value? How does he know if she's healthy or not, because she soft looking? How does he know if she eats only organic food and has been working out regularly for the last few years to get to where she's at? How dare you think that it's OK to sit and judge others?!
But, is this whole response a learned behavior? How did we get to a point where we think that stick figures are to be the example of what beauty is or ought to be? I can't help but wonder if our society has done this to ourselves. I mean yes, there is an obesity epidemic and yes there are lots of people who are very overweight, but, why do we have to assume that because a woman doesn't look like a Victoria's Secret Model that she's not worth it.
I happen to find women with more meat on their bones very attractive. I tend to like the idea of being able to hold on to something. What's even more attractive is a woman who is confident. A woman who struts when she walks and loves herself in spite of herself. A woman whose smile will light up a room, no matter what she looks like. A woman who truly loves being in her skin... no matter what her size is.
I wonder when did we teach our kids that it's OK to be mean to others because they don't look like us. I know that kids have been doing it for generations, but, what's wrong with teaching them that it's not OK to do so. It's not OK to purposely hurt others to make yourself feel better. I wonder how am I going to teach this to Piper, because, Kelsie, is doing really good at it. (At least, I would hope so) How do I tell Piper that just because a person doesn't look just like you, doesn't make them a bad person or anything like that, it just makes them different, just like everyone is different. I try to tell her that our differences are what make us all unique. I try to teach her that our goal should be to help others and if we cannot help others, at least don't hurt them. I wonder if I am setting a good example for her. I know that my road rage does tend to get the best of me sometimes, (there are so many bad drivers, and the teenagers are the worst!), but I try to make sure that she knows that we are here to help. I don't know when I will figure it out, but, I hope that she is that light in the room. The face that smiles so bright, everyone wants to be around it. She has a beautiful soul and I am truly blessed that she chose me for her mom. I hope that I do a good job teaching her.
Anyhow, I couldn't sleep and had to get this out there. Watched The Missing, not a scary movie, but, intense. Needed a moment to think of something else. I don't know where our society went wrong, but, I am trying to make it right, I can start with myself and hopefully give my girls the resources they need to make this world a better place for all of mankind.
On another note, I didn't have anyone try to convert me this week... That is nice. I want to put this out there as well, I am very happy in my faith and beliefs. Just because you don't believe them, doesn't make me wrong or right and it doesn't make you wrong or right, it just means we live in country where it's our right to choice whatever faith that we want. And to those who think that the world is only 6,000 years old, I really disagree with that, and science has proven otherwise, but, if that's what you think, then go ahead. Just don't try to tell me that I am the strange one because I don't quite trust what you're saying. Night all, peace
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Sunday
Bloody Sunday! No, not like that, but, just another day. I have finished quite a bit today, and yet, I feel like there is still so much that I could be doing and getting done. I have a sewing project that is one step closer, but, now I have to start cutting things out. Should be fun.
I crawled into the shower this afternoon and seemed to have gotten lost in my thoughts. I used to read to Thomas all of my posts, and he would tell me what he thought of them. Now, I just write and if I think it would interest him, I tell him about it, and if not, I just don't even say anything about it. It's not that I think he wouldn't be interested in what I have to say, I think he thinks a bit batty. Which is ok with me... I am. My thoughts wandered for a while, and I thought of that restlessness that I seem to get on some Sundays. I have yet to decide why this is, but, I hate it when it happens.
I am not one that thinks it's cool to move frequently, but, I have this restlessness about me when I don't get to travel like I would like to. I have sailed the seas, seen many different places and cultures and really, what's most interesting, is the United States. I would like to be able to see more of it, and the more that I thought about traveling, the more I wondered if I am the only one who ever feels like this after the traveling has stopped. I know that I can't be the only one. Staying in one place is great for family life, and it provides such a great stable foundation for kids, but, I wonder. I miss seeing new things, and being new places. I like moving and trying out different things for life. I am not saying that I would like to move to say, South America and see if I could wing it there, but, maybe to a house, with lots of pine trees and a creek... green grass, sunshine, yet gets snow. I don't know, once again, I am too tired to really put thoughts together in a manner that anyone other than myself can truly understand... Could be from not sleeping as good as I would have liked, but, oh well... Tomorrow is a new day, and I love new days! Any day I wake, it's already doing good.
I crawled into the shower this afternoon and seemed to have gotten lost in my thoughts. I used to read to Thomas all of my posts, and he would tell me what he thought of them. Now, I just write and if I think it would interest him, I tell him about it, and if not, I just don't even say anything about it. It's not that I think he wouldn't be interested in what I have to say, I think he thinks a bit batty. Which is ok with me... I am. My thoughts wandered for a while, and I thought of that restlessness that I seem to get on some Sundays. I have yet to decide why this is, but, I hate it when it happens.
I am not one that thinks it's cool to move frequently, but, I have this restlessness about me when I don't get to travel like I would like to. I have sailed the seas, seen many different places and cultures and really, what's most interesting, is the United States. I would like to be able to see more of it, and the more that I thought about traveling, the more I wondered if I am the only one who ever feels like this after the traveling has stopped. I know that I can't be the only one. Staying in one place is great for family life, and it provides such a great stable foundation for kids, but, I wonder. I miss seeing new things, and being new places. I like moving and trying out different things for life. I am not saying that I would like to move to say, South America and see if I could wing it there, but, maybe to a house, with lots of pine trees and a creek... green grass, sunshine, yet gets snow. I don't know, once again, I am too tired to really put thoughts together in a manner that anyone other than myself can truly understand... Could be from not sleeping as good as I would have liked, but, oh well... Tomorrow is a new day, and I love new days! Any day I wake, it's already doing good.
Too tired tonight... Over thinking it again.
The past few days, I have had the opportunity to sit and listen to what people are saying to me, to others, and just really listen. I think I have figured something out. Many people just want someone to know their story. They want to dominate the conversation and not let others talk. I have no problems with this, I am a good listener.
I have experienced this for myself in the last few days, but, really put it all together today. What makes me upset about this is, it's really hard for me to talk to people like that. I know that life is stressful and things are going to happen, but, it would be nice to ask questions about things or be able to express how I feel about a particular topic, or what is really going on in my mind. That's what I love about this blog. It's totally random, with no particular rhyme or reason, should be called, whatever Julia is thinking right now, but, it gives me a voice. One that I don't seem to think that I get to speak out in person.
My occupation dictates that I do not give advise and I do not say things that involve my opinion of what someone should or should not do... Why or why not someone is stressed, but, once in great while, I am able to ask them as friends what's really going on. I know that I am this way to my friends too. I listen, they talk. I have some friends who do want to know what's going on with me, but, I think most of the time, I should just keep my mouth shut.
About Wednesday I realized this. I want to shout sometimes, at all the people who don't let me get a word in edge wise, but, I find no good use for shouting. I hate dealing with confrontation in any forms. Which is why, I don't pick a fight, unless I know that I am right. And I choose the battles that I do go into. I don't have to argue with anyone, I can keep my mouth shut if I need to.
Which this all comes back to my thoughts of friends. Does anyone really have a friend? Someone who knows them in and out, someone who would give everything for them, and someone who will listen without saying how much worse they have it, or how much better they are at something that you are. Of course, I do have a few close friends that would listen to me if I needed a shoulder to cry on, but, it does tend to make me wonder. How can you say that you're a friend, when, you don't actually care about the other person?
I am thinking too much tonight. Thomas is in a lot of pain, I am going to let him try to sleep in the bed and me on the couch, maybe he will get some rest if I'm not moving around on him. I should be less self centered and selfish, but, at least I know what I am.
I see the world as though people are basically decent and don't really want to make others suffer. I think that there is a good side to everything. I hope, and I wish, and I dream of a better life for me and my family, but, beyond that, I have no clue what others are going through. I have no idea if the reason you are like that is because you were abused as a child. I don't see the disillusionment that so many people get after they have life happen to them. What I do see is everyone just wants to be liked, to feel important, and feel like they belong to a group/family. I guess that makes us basically the same, as humans. I want to find a group of people who think I'm pretty cool, who believe that I can do anything if I set my mind to it, and who love me, just as I am. Without trying to be better than everyone else.
When I was 19, I heard a song by Blink 182, The Party Song, and what really struck me was the chorus that said that some girls try to hard. And before you know it, I started to watch women and it's true. Some people try way to hard to have people think good things about them. I could say look at the politicians of our time, and that would be a great example, but, think of your friends. Do you ever just sit and listen to them? And when you do, are you able to get a word in? What about being able to bring up any of the shit that you're going through too? Makes you wonder. I had a lady at the farmers market ask how I was today. All I said was pretty good, I have things going on, but no one wants to hear me complain, so why bother complaining about it. She agreed with me.
I don't know, maybe I am just a little over tired and feeling under appreciated right now. But, it's past bed time, and the couch is calling my name now. I can feel my whole body just wanting to go off into a peaceful slumber... Peace all, Night :)
I have experienced this for myself in the last few days, but, really put it all together today. What makes me upset about this is, it's really hard for me to talk to people like that. I know that life is stressful and things are going to happen, but, it would be nice to ask questions about things or be able to express how I feel about a particular topic, or what is really going on in my mind. That's what I love about this blog. It's totally random, with no particular rhyme or reason, should be called, whatever Julia is thinking right now, but, it gives me a voice. One that I don't seem to think that I get to speak out in person.
My occupation dictates that I do not give advise and I do not say things that involve my opinion of what someone should or should not do... Why or why not someone is stressed, but, once in great while, I am able to ask them as friends what's really going on. I know that I am this way to my friends too. I listen, they talk. I have some friends who do want to know what's going on with me, but, I think most of the time, I should just keep my mouth shut.
About Wednesday I realized this. I want to shout sometimes, at all the people who don't let me get a word in edge wise, but, I find no good use for shouting. I hate dealing with confrontation in any forms. Which is why, I don't pick a fight, unless I know that I am right. And I choose the battles that I do go into. I don't have to argue with anyone, I can keep my mouth shut if I need to.
Which this all comes back to my thoughts of friends. Does anyone really have a friend? Someone who knows them in and out, someone who would give everything for them, and someone who will listen without saying how much worse they have it, or how much better they are at something that you are. Of course, I do have a few close friends that would listen to me if I needed a shoulder to cry on, but, it does tend to make me wonder. How can you say that you're a friend, when, you don't actually care about the other person?
I am thinking too much tonight. Thomas is in a lot of pain, I am going to let him try to sleep in the bed and me on the couch, maybe he will get some rest if I'm not moving around on him. I should be less self centered and selfish, but, at least I know what I am.
I see the world as though people are basically decent and don't really want to make others suffer. I think that there is a good side to everything. I hope, and I wish, and I dream of a better life for me and my family, but, beyond that, I have no clue what others are going through. I have no idea if the reason you are like that is because you were abused as a child. I don't see the disillusionment that so many people get after they have life happen to them. What I do see is everyone just wants to be liked, to feel important, and feel like they belong to a group/family. I guess that makes us basically the same, as humans. I want to find a group of people who think I'm pretty cool, who believe that I can do anything if I set my mind to it, and who love me, just as I am. Without trying to be better than everyone else.
When I was 19, I heard a song by Blink 182, The Party Song, and what really struck me was the chorus that said that some girls try to hard. And before you know it, I started to watch women and it's true. Some people try way to hard to have people think good things about them. I could say look at the politicians of our time, and that would be a great example, but, think of your friends. Do you ever just sit and listen to them? And when you do, are you able to get a word in? What about being able to bring up any of the shit that you're going through too? Makes you wonder. I had a lady at the farmers market ask how I was today. All I said was pretty good, I have things going on, but no one wants to hear me complain, so why bother complaining about it. She agreed with me.
I don't know, maybe I am just a little over tired and feeling under appreciated right now. But, it's past bed time, and the couch is calling my name now. I can feel my whole body just wanting to go off into a peaceful slumber... Peace all, Night :)
Thursday, September 12, 2013
The challange has been determined
I have finally figured out what I want to bet on for my weight loss challenge. I thought about it a while now, and I have found a worthy adversary whom I think will take it seriously. I have to talk to him about it now, and hopefully, he's up for a bit of good challenge.
So, I had to think of something that I totally love and would hate to do it. And I had to think of the rewards if I did win. So, if I lose this challenge, I am going to publicly shave my head... now, if I can get my friend to do the same if I win, we are set. I would not look good bald and I would really not want to have to shave my hair after I have been patient for so long to get it to where it is today... So there you have it. I now need some help with obtaining the goal. I will write more on this later, after I have gotten the details all worked out, but this should be fun. Peace :)
So, I had to think of something that I totally love and would hate to do it. And I had to think of the rewards if I did win. So, if I lose this challenge, I am going to publicly shave my head... now, if I can get my friend to do the same if I win, we are set. I would not look good bald and I would really not want to have to shave my hair after I have been patient for so long to get it to where it is today... So there you have it. I now need some help with obtaining the goal. I will write more on this later, after I have gotten the details all worked out, but this should be fun. Peace :)
Sunday, September 8, 2013
My next challenge
This past week, I have discovered something very not cool about myself. I have gone up a dress size again. I found this out the other day while trying on two pairs of pants, and while the pants looked really good on me, it was the size that really did me in.
Thomas is most kind and wonderful. He says that he truly doesn't care what size I am, as long as I am happy with myself, that's what matters. But, I am not happy with this new turn of events. In fact, I am not happy with it at all. So, I have decided to take matters into my own hands and really set a challenge for myself.
I have decided that I need someone to be an asshole to me. I need someone to tell me that I can't do it, that I will always be pushing maximum density in size and that there is only a big girl in me. What's funny is I have the tools to succeed and I have the ability to do it, I just have no challenge. I am hoping that one of the ones who responded to my open invitation will come up with something kind of fun and creative, but, it's really up to me to get it done, just to prove them wrong.
I was once told that my weight had become the reason why I was no longer attractive to someone, and I took it and made it my goal to be what they wanted... I am no longer a part of that relationship, but, it taught me something about myself. I need to have someone challenge me to do better, to be better, and to tell me that I can't do it... that's always a good way to get me to do things, tell me I can't.
Anyhow, I guess we will see where it goes, but, for now, it's time for bed... night all, Peace
Thomas is most kind and wonderful. He says that he truly doesn't care what size I am, as long as I am happy with myself, that's what matters. But, I am not happy with this new turn of events. In fact, I am not happy with it at all. So, I have decided to take matters into my own hands and really set a challenge for myself.
I have decided that I need someone to be an asshole to me. I need someone to tell me that I can't do it, that I will always be pushing maximum density in size and that there is only a big girl in me. What's funny is I have the tools to succeed and I have the ability to do it, I just have no challenge. I am hoping that one of the ones who responded to my open invitation will come up with something kind of fun and creative, but, it's really up to me to get it done, just to prove them wrong.
I was once told that my weight had become the reason why I was no longer attractive to someone, and I took it and made it my goal to be what they wanted... I am no longer a part of that relationship, but, it taught me something about myself. I need to have someone challenge me to do better, to be better, and to tell me that I can't do it... that's always a good way to get me to do things, tell me I can't.
Anyhow, I guess we will see where it goes, but, for now, it's time for bed... night all, Peace
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Bird Bath
Every morning, I let the bird out of its cage and he goes to the top of his little perch and poops. Then he will go to the food and start eating. What really makes me smile, is when I am home and I get to watch him take a bath. He stands on the edge of the water, then tries to put his little foot in the water, and more or less throws water on top of himself to get wet. He then climbs back to the top of the perch and fluffs to help dry out. He's a cute little thing, very squawky though. It's a daily thing for the bird to be squawking at 7 am. He just wants sunflower seeds and peanuts and fresh fruit, but who can blame him. We give him all sorts of good things, fruits, vegetables, juice, and it all makes his little feathers so bright and pretty. His name is Raynbo, and he is a gold capped Amazon Conure. I like the bird, we get along pretty well. He has a fairly simple life, he eats and poops and takes a bath. He tries to eat or attack anything with a black and white coloring, which is pretty funny to watch. He needs a friend though. We had found this beautiful bird, a Patagonian Conure and it was the nicest thing, but, couldn't afford to get him. I hate going into pet stores and seeing these amazing little guys so happy to see you and all they want is for you to take them home and love them, and you have to walk away because you can't afford to pay that much money.... I know I should adopt from the pound or humane society, but either way, right now it's not in the cards.
I am not feeling it today. I have today and tomorrow off, but, today I will do three massages, maybe get paid for all of them, and then, who knows what tomorrow. I am just wanting a vacation though. I want to have a few days off where I don't have to go do anything else, just sit at home and relax. I don't even know what the word relax means anymore, I have become so high strung these days. I would like to have some sort of inspiration. Something that makes me look at myself and think I can do that, or I can do better than what I am doing currently. I know that great things are happening all the time, it's just, it would really nice to have them happen right now! This minute!
While we were working for Medieval Mayhem, I went to the fortune teller. She was a lovely woman, whom I really enjoy talking with. She had good news for me, said I would be receiving a large windfall, just keep doing what I am doing, with all the work I do on improving myself. I once got a bottle top that said I would have an unexpected large windfall coming soon... I DEMAND MY LARGE UNEXPECTED WINDFALL RIGHT NOW!!!!!
I know, money isn't going to buy me happiness, and I can't solve all my problems with money, however, it's easier to cry in new car than on a bicycle. It would solve my housing and car issues. Both would be paid off. It would solve the working issues, because, I would be able to do it because I wanted to, not because I have to. It would solve the roller skating rink dilemma because I would be able to build it. And as we all know, If you build it, they will come. And it would solve that problem of not being near the ocean... I don't about you, but I need the ocean. It feeds my soul, makes me feel like I'm home again. For me, the only place that brings peace to me, is on the beach at night, looking at the stars. That breeze, the smell of the salt, the waves crashing down on the shore, it's a place for me. Even if I could only go see it once every few months, that would be good for me. I can handle life with the ocean. It's better than any drug out there, and is more powerful than anything on earth... and we are killing it. I can't say how much it hurts my heart to see what a nuclear meltdown has done to our beautiful Pacific Ocean. It was just as bad in the 60's when there was all that hydrogen bomb testing on Bikini Atoll... More than 60 bombs tested.. mushroom clouds in the forecast for the week... Tumors on the animals for decades to come, and the water, is no good. I think what really scares me about that is this: In the Navy, while on deployment, we are on the ocean. There is no getting fresh water from our supply ships, it's made from salt water. If the salt water is polluted, how many Sailors are going to be affected by the radiation pollution from this? Radiation exposure causes cancer, it's totally known throughout our society, how many Sailors are going to come up with any kind of cancer because of this.
Now, I have heard that when Chernobyl went down, there was an idea that came up. By planting sunflowers, these plants were able to absorb the radiation being put out from the meltdown. What is taking so long then with this place? I have also heard that my favorite plant can also do this, absorb the toxic radiation and help prevent the spread of the contamination, and yet, nothing is being done. I don't understand it. I hate that in my life time, too many companies have spilled shit into the ocean and then said, oops, my bad. It's bad enough that we are over killing different species in the ocean, now we are making it worse for the ones that are still living in it. Fucking humans.
I can't say that I hate the technology of today. I don't hate it, it's so easy to find out so many things. In fact last night, while reading to Piper, we learned that all of the planets are named after Roman Gods, and some of the Titans, and we were able to cross reference them to the Greeks. I am able to write and put out into the world, for all the world to see, my life. I can see what my bank account is doing, what my friends are doing and saying and apply for a job within about a 20 minutes span. It's amazing, but, there are things that I miss. Talking to people, getting a phone call from someone I haven't heard from in a while, getting a letter from a friend. I almost want to see if people still remember what a pen pal is. I had one in fourth grade, from England. I can't remember anything about her. I would love to be able to do that again. And to do that for Piper and Kelsie as well.
I have been thinking about what would I like to do with my life... Just be is usually what I say, but, if I had to chose a career, I would want to empower women. To give them an opportunity to be able to let go of social norms and feel like they belong somewhere. To give them a new perspective on life, by giving them Derby. Roller Derby. I want them to see that you don't have to be pretty or thin or whatever American society thinks is beautiful to be beautiful... you are Fabulous just the way you are. I want them to feel excitement and the thrill of the chase. To tell them, you can be whatever you want, tattoos or not, pierced or not. Leave it all on the track! That is my mission... To show you that we may be in the man's world, but this is our house. And we can and will kick your ass in fishnets on roller skates.
Must be going now, I have things to get done before I go do the massages for today. Some laundry, some dancing, maybe, do something fun with Thomas today... Peace all
I am not feeling it today. I have today and tomorrow off, but, today I will do three massages, maybe get paid for all of them, and then, who knows what tomorrow. I am just wanting a vacation though. I want to have a few days off where I don't have to go do anything else, just sit at home and relax. I don't even know what the word relax means anymore, I have become so high strung these days. I would like to have some sort of inspiration. Something that makes me look at myself and think I can do that, or I can do better than what I am doing currently. I know that great things are happening all the time, it's just, it would really nice to have them happen right now! This minute!
While we were working for Medieval Mayhem, I went to the fortune teller. She was a lovely woman, whom I really enjoy talking with. She had good news for me, said I would be receiving a large windfall, just keep doing what I am doing, with all the work I do on improving myself. I once got a bottle top that said I would have an unexpected large windfall coming soon... I DEMAND MY LARGE UNEXPECTED WINDFALL RIGHT NOW!!!!!
I know, money isn't going to buy me happiness, and I can't solve all my problems with money, however, it's easier to cry in new car than on a bicycle. It would solve my housing and car issues. Both would be paid off. It would solve the working issues, because, I would be able to do it because I wanted to, not because I have to. It would solve the roller skating rink dilemma because I would be able to build it. And as we all know, If you build it, they will come. And it would solve that problem of not being near the ocean... I don't about you, but I need the ocean. It feeds my soul, makes me feel like I'm home again. For me, the only place that brings peace to me, is on the beach at night, looking at the stars. That breeze, the smell of the salt, the waves crashing down on the shore, it's a place for me. Even if I could only go see it once every few months, that would be good for me. I can handle life with the ocean. It's better than any drug out there, and is more powerful than anything on earth... and we are killing it. I can't say how much it hurts my heart to see what a nuclear meltdown has done to our beautiful Pacific Ocean. It was just as bad in the 60's when there was all that hydrogen bomb testing on Bikini Atoll... More than 60 bombs tested.. mushroom clouds in the forecast for the week... Tumors on the animals for decades to come, and the water, is no good. I think what really scares me about that is this: In the Navy, while on deployment, we are on the ocean. There is no getting fresh water from our supply ships, it's made from salt water. If the salt water is polluted, how many Sailors are going to be affected by the radiation pollution from this? Radiation exposure causes cancer, it's totally known throughout our society, how many Sailors are going to come up with any kind of cancer because of this.
Now, I have heard that when Chernobyl went down, there was an idea that came up. By planting sunflowers, these plants were able to absorb the radiation being put out from the meltdown. What is taking so long then with this place? I have also heard that my favorite plant can also do this, absorb the toxic radiation and help prevent the spread of the contamination, and yet, nothing is being done. I don't understand it. I hate that in my life time, too many companies have spilled shit into the ocean and then said, oops, my bad. It's bad enough that we are over killing different species in the ocean, now we are making it worse for the ones that are still living in it. Fucking humans.
I can't say that I hate the technology of today. I don't hate it, it's so easy to find out so many things. In fact last night, while reading to Piper, we learned that all of the planets are named after Roman Gods, and some of the Titans, and we were able to cross reference them to the Greeks. I am able to write and put out into the world, for all the world to see, my life. I can see what my bank account is doing, what my friends are doing and saying and apply for a job within about a 20 minutes span. It's amazing, but, there are things that I miss. Talking to people, getting a phone call from someone I haven't heard from in a while, getting a letter from a friend. I almost want to see if people still remember what a pen pal is. I had one in fourth grade, from England. I can't remember anything about her. I would love to be able to do that again. And to do that for Piper and Kelsie as well.
I have been thinking about what would I like to do with my life... Just be is usually what I say, but, if I had to chose a career, I would want to empower women. To give them an opportunity to be able to let go of social norms and feel like they belong somewhere. To give them a new perspective on life, by giving them Derby. Roller Derby. I want them to see that you don't have to be pretty or thin or whatever American society thinks is beautiful to be beautiful... you are Fabulous just the way you are. I want them to feel excitement and the thrill of the chase. To tell them, you can be whatever you want, tattoos or not, pierced or not. Leave it all on the track! That is my mission... To show you that we may be in the man's world, but this is our house. And we can and will kick your ass in fishnets on roller skates.
Must be going now, I have things to get done before I go do the massages for today. Some laundry, some dancing, maybe, do something fun with Thomas today... Peace all
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
The cork on dinner
This evening, as I was about to start one of the last of my massages today, I decided that I would have to have a cork on dinner tonight. After all, it was going to be Chinese food night, and how I love to have some yummy wine with rice and veggies. And then I realized that I only had Sangria instead of Moscato. Oh well, that will have to do for now.
So, we get home, and I take the bottle out of the fridge and go to walk outside with Thomas, who was going to stop smoking this morning, but, by 6 pm, he was dying for a smoke... so I went to walk out with him with the bottle, and he said that I can't take it out with me. So I poured it into a coffee mug... one that was big enough to hold the rest of the wine.
There is much stress in my life the last few days. I am at a lose as how to deal with it, so I have been trying to keep in it and not worry about it, but I am worried. I hate to stress over anything, I chose to live by the mantra Que Sera Sera, and that's usually good enough for me. Not today though. The things that I have no control over are bothering me, because I have no control over them. I do have control over certain things, but, there are bigger things in life than what's for dinner. (For the record, eggs and wine aren't bad for dinner. In fact, the more that I drink, the more fun I have trying to type :)
Today turned out to be pretty good. Piper got all of her school work done for the day, including reading to me, doing math problems and word of the day. This week, we are learning about science, space to be exact. I love the stars. I feel like I should be there sometimes, like, being here on earth is somehow foreign to me. Could be the wine talking, but, still.
The bad feelings of today will soon be replaced by sleep and in the morning, when I wake up, it will be a new day, and things are always possible with the sun rise, even when it's a bit overcast. I am looking forward to tomorrow, I am not sure what the new day will bring, but, I am always excited by the possibilities of what could be. I am eternally optimistic thinking only the best of life and people, though, reality will set in eventually and I will see that there are some who are not that good.
Anyhow, we go outside and Piper comes out with her bubbles. I didn't stay that long tonight, too many mosquito for my liking. I came inside and started to drink more from my Christmas coffee mug. The contents are now nearly gone, and soon, I will put small fry to bed.
I haven't written much in the last few weeks, I have been trying to deal with the lack of a computer and when it is up and running, I need to let others use it. I am hopeful that we will have another one soon, and that the one that I have will be repaired, but, for now, I will take what I can get. I have had so many thoughts on life and music that I just can't remember where the beginning of it all was. The other day, I was about to fall asleep and I was thinking about music and what I had to say about it, and it's gone now... I hate it when that happens.
My head is starting to swim a bit from the wine, so I will cut this off now. I do apologize for the incoherent ramblings tonight, too many thoughts and not enough time on the computer, or too much red wine and not enough food... who knows for sure .... Good night for now, Peace :)
So, we get home, and I take the bottle out of the fridge and go to walk outside with Thomas, who was going to stop smoking this morning, but, by 6 pm, he was dying for a smoke... so I went to walk out with him with the bottle, and he said that I can't take it out with me. So I poured it into a coffee mug... one that was big enough to hold the rest of the wine.
There is much stress in my life the last few days. I am at a lose as how to deal with it, so I have been trying to keep in it and not worry about it, but I am worried. I hate to stress over anything, I chose to live by the mantra Que Sera Sera, and that's usually good enough for me. Not today though. The things that I have no control over are bothering me, because I have no control over them. I do have control over certain things, but, there are bigger things in life than what's for dinner. (For the record, eggs and wine aren't bad for dinner. In fact, the more that I drink, the more fun I have trying to type :)
Today turned out to be pretty good. Piper got all of her school work done for the day, including reading to me, doing math problems and word of the day. This week, we are learning about science, space to be exact. I love the stars. I feel like I should be there sometimes, like, being here on earth is somehow foreign to me. Could be the wine talking, but, still.
The bad feelings of today will soon be replaced by sleep and in the morning, when I wake up, it will be a new day, and things are always possible with the sun rise, even when it's a bit overcast. I am looking forward to tomorrow, I am not sure what the new day will bring, but, I am always excited by the possibilities of what could be. I am eternally optimistic thinking only the best of life and people, though, reality will set in eventually and I will see that there are some who are not that good.
Anyhow, we go outside and Piper comes out with her bubbles. I didn't stay that long tonight, too many mosquito for my liking. I came inside and started to drink more from my Christmas coffee mug. The contents are now nearly gone, and soon, I will put small fry to bed.
I haven't written much in the last few weeks, I have been trying to deal with the lack of a computer and when it is up and running, I need to let others use it. I am hopeful that we will have another one soon, and that the one that I have will be repaired, but, for now, I will take what I can get. I have had so many thoughts on life and music that I just can't remember where the beginning of it all was. The other day, I was about to fall asleep and I was thinking about music and what I had to say about it, and it's gone now... I hate it when that happens.
My head is starting to swim a bit from the wine, so I will cut this off now. I do apologize for the incoherent ramblings tonight, too many thoughts and not enough time on the computer, or too much red wine and not enough food... who knows for sure .... Good night for now, Peace :)
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