Last week, I was talking to a friend, and I was loving how she made a schedule of everything to do in the day. I laughed at putting in a shower daily, but, when she told me how some days, it just doesn't happen, I thought it was a good idea to ensure that getting clean was on the daily "to do" list.... so we laughed. We got to talking about how her life got to a point where she needed to have the schedule in the first place. I envy her, but not in the jealous kind of way, I am happy for her success and I truly hope that she continues to be even more successful, but in an envy like, oh the life, kind of way.
As the conversation progressed, she told me, you are a good writer, you should write a book. To which I replied that I am not a fiction kind of girl. I like to talk about things I know about, like life. I think truth is much stranger than fiction any day! Though it does take the fun out of the fantasy genre if we can't have werewolves or vampires or zombies or The world of Harry Potter, whom, we all love. I blew off the idea until last night, though, I am not too sure what I would write about. I love to read and watch movies and I think if it was ever made into a movie, which of course it would be, I would have to have Kevin Smith to direct, and add his touches too. The part of me would be played by someone really awesome, who could capture me, and after seeing her role in Percy Jackson and the Olympians The Lightning Thief, could be no other than Rosario Dawson. I love her work!!
Anyhow, total tangent there, but, my life specifically would have to be what I would write about. I mean, I write about it now, and I laugh at what things happen to me and things that happen to family and sometimes, what happens to other people. I have funny things that I observe about the items we find everyday. In fact, I have notebooks filled with my funny thoughts, I have been doing that since high school. I love to read fiction, it gives me the idea of a life that I can escape into. Like, A Wrinkle in Time or the ones that I am reading now, The Mystic Wolves Series, which I am loving them! I love being able to read the next one in the series as she writes it... Lucky me! But what really makes me think about things are the books that are non-fiction. I like to learn about people who were living in the slums or on the streets and then they are multi-millionaires. I love to learn about how they did it and it makes me realize that I can do that too. I am not too sure how it's going to happen, but, I know that it will. I can feel that I am on the verge of greatness, I am there really. It's happening right now, my ships come in, on a calm sea under grace, in perfect ways. I know it sounds crazy, but, it's true.
I was on Facebook a bit ago, and there was an article about beauty and it said that what our perception of beauty is, is based of what the media tell us it is. I was so mad because, here I am saying the exact same thing, though, slightly ever so less articulate than this man, but, I was amazed that I have the same ideas as other much more well known author. And I was kind of mad at my friend who posted it, not because I was mad at her, but, if she thought enough of it to agree with him, why didn't she agree and re post what I had to say. I think I would have to agree on the beauty thing, the first step to being beautiful, is to love ones self. I don't know if I could stand in front of the mirror naked and really look at myself, (mainly because our mirrors are up tall and I don't stand that tall) but, to really accept all the parts of me that I see as a flaw. But, why do I see it as a flaw. I think I will go back and forth on this one for a while, probably as long as I live.
I like me. I would go so far as to say that I love myself. It's taken me many years to get to a point where I can say that too. I used a lot of alcohol and drugs to escape myself for a long time, and now, I don't need to escape. I know what I don't like about me, but, it doesn't mean that I can't be alone, it just means that there is always room for improvement. I think it was from the Dali Lama who said, "You are perfect just the way you are. There is always room for improvement" I agree with him. I often ask Thomas about this. Is it knowing that I have things that I don't like and accept those parts of me, or is about changing what I don't like? I keep resolving to change the wobbly bits of me because I don't' like them, yet, I still haven't made an attempt to do anything about it. Does that mean that I accept it and just love it subconsciously? I can tell you that I do NOT love going to buy bigger clothes, yet, Thomas keeps telling me that I look good where I'm at. I think he's trying to get me really big. I can feel myself pushing maximum density here if I let him continue to feed me the way he does. But he loves to cook, and well, I love to eat.
Back to the book idea, I started to write a children's book last year. I have yet to finish it. I loved the idea of it though. In fact I started to work on two books last year. One was about my life in the military, what an adventure that was, and the other, was for Piper, so she could have a story that was written just for her, with elements of her dad and her Godfather in it... They were the ones who came up with the magical blue pony in the first place. I will have them done before my birthday next year, 2014. Whether or not they are published is another matter, but, I will get them done, and people will know who I am. I hope that they will find me as endearing as I found someone like, Bridget Jones... I so love her!
And for the record, I have to bitch for a moment. Not that I think it makes a difference or not, but, I have told Thomas about how much this really bothered me and I think it's just eating me up and makes me mad. So, I was working at the market one day, and a very nice couple came up and the gentleman said that "I love you and I hate you. I think every week that I should call you for a massage, and then I remember that you don't live in ___." And I was flattered by that, it really made my day, until, I heard, another person say they were so much better at it than me. I felt so invalidated and I was really upset by that. And do I say anything about it, no? I didn't. Instead, I just let it fester in me until now, when I am finally asking myself why do I continue to work with anyone who is like this. I have put some serious thought into will I work with them again... next year, I mean. I don't know. I love her, and I love working with her, but, it's little things like that, that make it really hard to do so. Who knows what the year will bring though... I could be living in Oregon by then :)
I had a friend come over for dinner tonight, it was so nice to have a girlfriend over again. We talked and laughed and had so much fun, I had forgotten what it was like to just have girl fun. She is home now, and Piper is in my bed tonight. I am waiting for the moon. Tonight, it's the Blood Moon, and I really wanted to do some meditating while the light of that amazing moon shining on me. I like to do that, however, I tend to think of it the day after the full moon though... not tonight. Thomas is out camping, so, for me, it's the perfect night for it. I long to have my own home where I can sit out on the lawn, naked if I want, and just enjoy the full moon... or dance naked in the rain. It's all good though, right now, tonight is all I am going to focus on. That and I what I want... I have no idea what I want, other than my family safe and happy, a home of our own, a business that I am proud of, and love and happiness and a sense of inner peace... I have them all now, I just want to make it all much bigger. Give the girls an opportunity to go the college of their choice, and have my own bathroom..
Anyhow, it's almost time to go outside. It's going to be cold out, so I have to ensure that I am bundled up. Goodnight all, Peace
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