It was the first day that I have had off for the spring break vacation. I did exactly nothing! I think it's funny that every time I think I have written something really great, I go to see how many people have read my thoughts and I am discouraged. It's OK. I know that it takes some time to get others interested in my thoughts as well.
I was really glad when I heard my brother Jeff tell me that he reads it... Kind of made me feel good. At least I know he thinks I'm funny. I tend to read all of my thoughts to Thomas before posting, so that's kind of nice to get his opinion before I put it out there... actually, no wait, I read it to him after I have already posted it. Either way, he usually hears what I have to say.
I keep thinking that I should tackle large things in this. Like politics and religion and gay equality rights, and things of that nature, but, more and more I find myself more interested in what is Sarah Jessica Parker was wearing today. I somehow think I should care more about the big things, but really, who am I trying to kid with that? I like fashion and I like to see some of the news, just not the stuff that is going to depress me or make me hate people or want to have to be very angry with others. It's kind of funny when I really think of it.
I am finally feeling like I have to really do something about my weight, which really means that I got a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror. I don't think that I am fat, and I don't want to associate that word with myself, but, I am doing something about it. I like that I have motivation to get it done finally. I have a goal, and I really want to make that goal. It may take a while, but, I think that today's the day for the change. I am glad that I have got to this point, at long last. I really like the way I looked about 3 years ago. It was about perfect for me... I am going to make sure that I get to that point again, and perhaps a bit farther this time. Like finishing this the whole way through, and I think that the biggest thing for me is if I miss a day, to just keep going, and not let that one day get to me. I am confident in myself! I won't see the change overnight, but, I have to take that first step... So, I am stepping up. Now is the time.
This weekend, I was not prepared to go to Phoenix on Saturday, but, I guess I will make the most of it. Kelsie has an audition for a modeling thing on Saturday. I so hope that she gets this! This is something that she has wanted for so long, and I think it's a great opportunity for her to do something kind of big for her. And it's a paying thing so she could make and save for her future. I really want this for her... it would make her happy, I just want my kids to be happy!
Anyhow, going to get going for now. I am going to go clear energy and be happy and look into what the future has for me... Only good things are coming for me :)
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Politics and Religion :)
Last night, before going to bed, Thomas and I were talking about different political ideas and things that are hot spots for many Americans. So, since my mother always told me not to talk about politics and religion with others if I wasn't ready for a fight, here I go with my rant and views of many problems that our country is facing, but, with a few suggestions on how to fix them.
My favorite topic is always and going to always be gay marriage. To me, it's just two people who want to spend the rest of their lives together in a ceremony with friends and family present. They say their vows, they make that commitment, and they kiss and have a party to celebrate the beginning of a new life together. I am so sick and tired of people who say that gay people can't be married because of what a book says. That book also said that women and children were not to speak until spoken to and women were not to ask questions of others. They are to wait until they are in a private room at home where they can then question their husbands about whatever they wanted to know. To be honest, I really don't put my faith into that book, there are too many questions that I myself have been asking recently that just don't make any sense. Time lines don't add up and there are too many inconsistencies. I hate that others are made to suffer because you are trying to push your religion on to them. I am all for freedom of religion but how far are you going to take it? Your beliefs are great and they work for you, but, why do you have to push it onto anyone else? I have my own rights, and I think it's great that you are concerned with my soul... I don't have a soul. I am a soul. I have a body. Now, when our founding fathers wrote the Declaration of Independence, they said that all were created equal and have the right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I want to note that it says all... We all know that when they wrote it, they were talking about rich, white land owning males, but it doesn't say that. Nor does it say everyone except for women, or gay people. It was made for all of us. They also knew that the older we got as a nation, we would grow and evolve into a bigger nation, our technology would grow to allow us to do things they could only come up with in dreams... But we did it. And now, we are faced with bigots and angry people who spew hate and discontent to the masses because they don't understand or like the choices someone else is making. These are not second class citizens we are talking about here. These are sons and daughters from every walk of life, regardless of what religion they say they are a part of. They serve in the military and they fight for our country. They fight for your right to use your religion to persecute them for being different. Nice.
The next big that we talked about was unions. The worker's unions and the people who don't know anything about unions and what they are about... So let me tell you a few things about unions. First, they were designed to help the workers to get jobs, to make sure the work environment was a safe one, that the equipment they worked with was up to standards. They bargained for your wages to get you the best pay they could. They could prevent you from being fired unfairly. They are about the people, not the company. Now, businesses don't really like unions. They have blamed rising costs on the evil unions and have tried to push them out of as many places as they can. The union is made up of hard working people who do the same kind of job. Operators, Teamsters, Steel Workers, Locomotives, you name it, they are there to make sure you are protected and safe. That is what the union does. They are not in it for the companies because they make the companies responsible and have to use proper equipment and safe working conditions and making the company operate more efficient, which actually keeps the cost of operating the company down. They protect your writing if your a writer. It boggles the mind how many people could benefit from being in the unions. I will belong to one. I think they have been given a very bad reputation by business people who want to take short cuts and pay the least amount of money to do so. It makes me sick what the business world has done to the unions. Support them. They are there for you!
Lastly, politicians. I am not a fan of these people. I like that the Latin word translates to blood sucking tic. I know lots of them really are blood sucking bastards! I keep thinking that it's such a shame that our country, that was once the greatest place to live has become what it is... I can't even find the right word for it. We are about making sure the big business stays in business, and that it doesn't matter if the materials that we now buy are dangerous to our health, we had them made as cheaply as possible. Never mind the lead in the paint. Never mind that it could kill you, it was made by a very nice young lady who makes less in one week than I do in one day. And that figure is probably wrong, it's more like a month. We have forgotten why we were a great country. We had jobs for people, we were rich, we had everything going for us... so what happened? Where was the breakdown? I think today, I'm going to blame this fall on insurance companies. Somewhere along the lines we stopped doing what was best for the people, and started to do what was best for our pockets. And really, it wasn't that I have ever made that decision, it was the thousands of doctors who wanted to line their pocket books. They began to take money for seeing as many people in a day that they can. They get some extra money if they prescribe you that anti-depressant, or anti-inflammatory. They have sold their souls for some money. Why? It's not like they can take it with them when they die. And then the idea of these wonder drugs became the best idea ever!!! We can ban things that are natural, not tell anyone the best way to deal with health problems that will work, for the majority, of the people... How would they make money if the dis-ease is cured? Hmmm... That one's a toughie. Take away all the natural ways to take care of ourselves, tell us we need to have the latest and greatest drugs, tell us that Cannabis and Hemp are the devil and we can lose everything we have worked so hard for if we have it in our possession. That might be a good plan. Too bad I'm not a pharmaceutical rep. We as consumers, as a whole, have been the ones who have done it. We are our own worst enemy! I don't think that we can really place the blame on any one group or a few groups of people. It's been in the making for a few generations now. What now though? I have seen in the recent weeks, two young kids in Ohio who raped a girl who was too drunk to say no, and now, they get to spend a lot of time in jail thinking about, when is too drunk, too drunk to make a coherent decision. Where did this breakdown occur? That one is easy. It's our jobs, as parents, to teach our kids right from wrong. It's our job to make sure that they are responsible adults when they get 'out there'. We are the ones who should be telling our kids about sex and drugs and the dangers of being a teenager in the world of instant gratification and YouTube. Social media has come to a point where if I put it out there, in my own opinion, it's taken the wrong way and used against me. I try not to put pictures of Piper on the Internet, she's too young and innocent to do that to. I try to make sure that what I am saying is not going to be used against me. I know what the laws are, and when I was young, I wanted to break as many as possible. I have a past, just like anyone else that I know. There are some parts that are fun to tell stories to people, and there are stories that aren't glamorous at all.
And for the most of my early 20's I would need a special committee of the Senate to tell me what did I really do at that time :)
It's up to us to make it better. It's up to us to bring sense and reason back to our world. It's up to us to do something, right or wrong and take a stand for what you believe in. Everyone has to believe in something. I believe in me!
My favorite topic is always and going to always be gay marriage. To me, it's just two people who want to spend the rest of their lives together in a ceremony with friends and family present. They say their vows, they make that commitment, and they kiss and have a party to celebrate the beginning of a new life together. I am so sick and tired of people who say that gay people can't be married because of what a book says. That book also said that women and children were not to speak until spoken to and women were not to ask questions of others. They are to wait until they are in a private room at home where they can then question their husbands about whatever they wanted to know. To be honest, I really don't put my faith into that book, there are too many questions that I myself have been asking recently that just don't make any sense. Time lines don't add up and there are too many inconsistencies. I hate that others are made to suffer because you are trying to push your religion on to them. I am all for freedom of religion but how far are you going to take it? Your beliefs are great and they work for you, but, why do you have to push it onto anyone else? I have my own rights, and I think it's great that you are concerned with my soul... I don't have a soul. I am a soul. I have a body. Now, when our founding fathers wrote the Declaration of Independence, they said that all were created equal and have the right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I want to note that it says all... We all know that when they wrote it, they were talking about rich, white land owning males, but it doesn't say that. Nor does it say everyone except for women, or gay people. It was made for all of us. They also knew that the older we got as a nation, we would grow and evolve into a bigger nation, our technology would grow to allow us to do things they could only come up with in dreams... But we did it. And now, we are faced with bigots and angry people who spew hate and discontent to the masses because they don't understand or like the choices someone else is making. These are not second class citizens we are talking about here. These are sons and daughters from every walk of life, regardless of what religion they say they are a part of. They serve in the military and they fight for our country. They fight for your right to use your religion to persecute them for being different. Nice.
The next big that we talked about was unions. The worker's unions and the people who don't know anything about unions and what they are about... So let me tell you a few things about unions. First, they were designed to help the workers to get jobs, to make sure the work environment was a safe one, that the equipment they worked with was up to standards. They bargained for your wages to get you the best pay they could. They could prevent you from being fired unfairly. They are about the people, not the company. Now, businesses don't really like unions. They have blamed rising costs on the evil unions and have tried to push them out of as many places as they can. The union is made up of hard working people who do the same kind of job. Operators, Teamsters, Steel Workers, Locomotives, you name it, they are there to make sure you are protected and safe. That is what the union does. They are not in it for the companies because they make the companies responsible and have to use proper equipment and safe working conditions and making the company operate more efficient, which actually keeps the cost of operating the company down. They protect your writing if your a writer. It boggles the mind how many people could benefit from being in the unions. I will belong to one. I think they have been given a very bad reputation by business people who want to take short cuts and pay the least amount of money to do so. It makes me sick what the business world has done to the unions. Support them. They are there for you!
Lastly, politicians. I am not a fan of these people. I like that the Latin word translates to blood sucking tic. I know lots of them really are blood sucking bastards! I keep thinking that it's such a shame that our country, that was once the greatest place to live has become what it is... I can't even find the right word for it. We are about making sure the big business stays in business, and that it doesn't matter if the materials that we now buy are dangerous to our health, we had them made as cheaply as possible. Never mind the lead in the paint. Never mind that it could kill you, it was made by a very nice young lady who makes less in one week than I do in one day. And that figure is probably wrong, it's more like a month. We have forgotten why we were a great country. We had jobs for people, we were rich, we had everything going for us... so what happened? Where was the breakdown? I think today, I'm going to blame this fall on insurance companies. Somewhere along the lines we stopped doing what was best for the people, and started to do what was best for our pockets. And really, it wasn't that I have ever made that decision, it was the thousands of doctors who wanted to line their pocket books. They began to take money for seeing as many people in a day that they can. They get some extra money if they prescribe you that anti-depressant, or anti-inflammatory. They have sold their souls for some money. Why? It's not like they can take it with them when they die. And then the idea of these wonder drugs became the best idea ever!!! We can ban things that are natural, not tell anyone the best way to deal with health problems that will work, for the majority, of the people... How would they make money if the dis-ease is cured? Hmmm... That one's a toughie. Take away all the natural ways to take care of ourselves, tell us we need to have the latest and greatest drugs, tell us that Cannabis and Hemp are the devil and we can lose everything we have worked so hard for if we have it in our possession. That might be a good plan. Too bad I'm not a pharmaceutical rep. We as consumers, as a whole, have been the ones who have done it. We are our own worst enemy! I don't think that we can really place the blame on any one group or a few groups of people. It's been in the making for a few generations now. What now though? I have seen in the recent weeks, two young kids in Ohio who raped a girl who was too drunk to say no, and now, they get to spend a lot of time in jail thinking about, when is too drunk, too drunk to make a coherent decision. Where did this breakdown occur? That one is easy. It's our jobs, as parents, to teach our kids right from wrong. It's our job to make sure that they are responsible adults when they get 'out there'. We are the ones who should be telling our kids about sex and drugs and the dangers of being a teenager in the world of instant gratification and YouTube. Social media has come to a point where if I put it out there, in my own opinion, it's taken the wrong way and used against me. I try not to put pictures of Piper on the Internet, she's too young and innocent to do that to. I try to make sure that what I am saying is not going to be used against me. I know what the laws are, and when I was young, I wanted to break as many as possible. I have a past, just like anyone else that I know. There are some parts that are fun to tell stories to people, and there are stories that aren't glamorous at all.
And for the most of my early 20's I would need a special committee of the Senate to tell me what did I really do at that time :)
It's up to us to make it better. It's up to us to bring sense and reason back to our world. It's up to us to do something, right or wrong and take a stand for what you believe in. Everyone has to believe in something. I believe in me!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Spring Break is upon us...
Today is the last day of school before spring break... for some, like Piper, spring break started yesterday... Oh to be young and have a four day school week. I am all for having a four day work week, but really, I would rather go for a three day work week... Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from about 7 to 2. That is the ideal work week, though it's more ideal to not have to work and I could just travel the world and have fun, and not have to work at all... Soon, hopefully :)
Yesterday morning, I helped Piper clean her room before she could go to Grandma's house for the night. We started by changing the comforter from the one under the bed... which entailed getting everything out from under her bed and making her bed. She was a trooper. We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more. Then, we went through two bags of clothes from Hannah to see what would fit and what we can use now. By the time that we finished, we had started at 9:30 A.M, it was about 12:15 P.M. We were both sneezing and had snotty noses. I hate dust and grim and icky things! Her room is so clean right now. It's been vacuumed and smells nice now too. She's ready for her first hosting a slumber party next weekend. Hopefully, she will keep it that way so she can have a nice clean room for the event.
Now, I have to get to cleaning my room. It's not that bad, I just have clutter on the surfaces of all my dressers and things. I have to go through and clean that, and dust. I hate to dust, it makes me so sick to have to breath that in. Maybe I will go get some paint respirators and go from there... Not only that, the fan blades really should be taken down and washed off. They are really bad too. I think I will save this little project from Thursday when I have a few days off... or not... Maybe I will just do it later this week, or perhaps every day and work a little at a time. Who knows with that one... I could just do it today too... I guess time will tell what I decide to do today.
I am pretty excited about having some days off this week for spring break. Granted, it's only Thursday and Friday, but, I am happy about spending time with the girls. Should be a lot of fun for us all. Maybe I will be able to start spring break with a nice massage, but, I'm not going to count on it. For now, it's off to do my squats, and brush my teeth and get my contacts in. And then, off to a Sunday. I like days like this :) Nice, peaceful, relaxing, yet, I am still able to get things done like the laundry and cleaning up a bit... I'm already in such a good mood!!
Yesterday morning, I helped Piper clean her room before she could go to Grandma's house for the night. We started by changing the comforter from the one under the bed... which entailed getting everything out from under her bed and making her bed. She was a trooper. We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more. Then, we went through two bags of clothes from Hannah to see what would fit and what we can use now. By the time that we finished, we had started at 9:30 A.M, it was about 12:15 P.M. We were both sneezing and had snotty noses. I hate dust and grim and icky things! Her room is so clean right now. It's been vacuumed and smells nice now too. She's ready for her first hosting a slumber party next weekend. Hopefully, she will keep it that way so she can have a nice clean room for the event.
Now, I have to get to cleaning my room. It's not that bad, I just have clutter on the surfaces of all my dressers and things. I have to go through and clean that, and dust. I hate to dust, it makes me so sick to have to breath that in. Maybe I will go get some paint respirators and go from there... Not only that, the fan blades really should be taken down and washed off. They are really bad too. I think I will save this little project from Thursday when I have a few days off... or not... Maybe I will just do it later this week, or perhaps every day and work a little at a time. Who knows with that one... I could just do it today too... I guess time will tell what I decide to do today.
I am pretty excited about having some days off this week for spring break. Granted, it's only Thursday and Friday, but, I am happy about spending time with the girls. Should be a lot of fun for us all. Maybe I will be able to start spring break with a nice massage, but, I'm not going to count on it. For now, it's off to do my squats, and brush my teeth and get my contacts in. And then, off to a Sunday. I like days like this :) Nice, peaceful, relaxing, yet, I am still able to get things done like the laundry and cleaning up a bit... I'm already in such a good mood!!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Monday, Monday
I haven't been that great at writing this month. In fact, I have been doing poorly, just, I think somewhat lazy... But, I am still at it. I do tend to think of this as a sort of journal, and even when I was writing all the time, I still missed a lot of days... sometimes. There are a lot of reasons why I haven't written the last few weeks. I have been busy, but I haven't really been on the computer when I want to write, which is usually after Piper goes to sleep and I can write without much distraction. There are things in my life, other than Piper that distract me, but, that's not the point. I have so much to do, in fact, I have to get a presentation together for this coming Wednesday night on the benefits on Massage, specifically, touch in general. I will be working on this tonight and tomorrow night, that way, I have nothing to do on Wednesday, except to give the presentation. I am really looking forward to it too.
It's now Tuesday, and I still haven't gotten this written, I guess I just get really tired and have other things to do, but, I know that I have to get writing on this! It has been one of my goals, and dammit, I'm going to finish this, just to prove that I can... so let's do a status check shall we...
For Lent, I was going to give up base makeup and go with only eye liner and some lipstick of some sort. That lasted for about 2 weeks... I went to the mall in Chandler and had the makeup done for me at the Bare Minerals store, have been wearing it for the last week now. I would say that I hate that I'm vain, but, I don't hate myself for that. That's just plain silly.
I was going to Zumba in the mornings and that lasted about 2 days. I think it was because we had one of the kids over here, my friend's son, and he slept in the living room and I just didn't want to wake him up to work out... so not the best on my part.
I was going to have sex everyday for 40 days, didn't happen. I am not going into details about that, it's just not been everyday.
I tried to do a 30 days of squats, and I did pretty good for the first week and then I had a bit too much wine, and too much food and didn't do it the day after... I do keep trying to get it done though, I want to wear shorts this summer! I didn't do it for a week, but, I am back to trying... I mean, I am back to doing. In the words of Yoda, "Try not. Do or do not." Words of wisdom from a short green man, but, he was wise.
I have not really lost any weight, I have not been writing as much as I would like, I have been getting up early in the mornings, mostly to wait for the coffee. I have been clearing my energy, and I am thinking of new and exciting ways to share what I can offer to the world. I was told last week that I was so beautiful, I could be a model. Made me feel good. I also like to toss around the idea of being a public speaker. I do like to talk to hear myself talk... I think I like the sound of my own voice, but, I don't like it so much these days... Have been sick with a cough that has been persistent.
I was talking to a client today, about how it's strange that when I was with another man, he would tell me things that I couldn't do, or wouldn't be able to do and I would do it just to prove him wrong. Now, being with Thomas who thinks I can do anything I want, who is supportive and kind and doesn't say mean things to me, I have no motivation to be anything other than what I am already. I did once read, either the Dali Lama or someone of the like said something to the effect that you are perfect just the way you are... you could use some improvement. I could use improvement.
The energy clearing is helping me a lot. I feel so glowy and happy when I'm done, and when I clear out all the bad stuff, I have it in my head what I tell myself that is good and happy and gets me going. I love that part. I have been listening to music that makes me feel good afterwards too. I don't think I can listen to some of the music I have after a good clearing, I want to put good things into my being. I have lots of love and light to give to the world!
I will persevere and keep going on my quest to be a better me. I am loving the journey these days though. It's a good ride!
It's now Tuesday, and I still haven't gotten this written, I guess I just get really tired and have other things to do, but, I know that I have to get writing on this! It has been one of my goals, and dammit, I'm going to finish this, just to prove that I can... so let's do a status check shall we...
For Lent, I was going to give up base makeup and go with only eye liner and some lipstick of some sort. That lasted for about 2 weeks... I went to the mall in Chandler and had the makeup done for me at the Bare Minerals store, have been wearing it for the last week now. I would say that I hate that I'm vain, but, I don't hate myself for that. That's just plain silly.
I was going to Zumba in the mornings and that lasted about 2 days. I think it was because we had one of the kids over here, my friend's son, and he slept in the living room and I just didn't want to wake him up to work out... so not the best on my part.
I was going to have sex everyday for 40 days, didn't happen. I am not going into details about that, it's just not been everyday.
I tried to do a 30 days of squats, and I did pretty good for the first week and then I had a bit too much wine, and too much food and didn't do it the day after... I do keep trying to get it done though, I want to wear shorts this summer! I didn't do it for a week, but, I am back to trying... I mean, I am back to doing. In the words of Yoda, "Try not. Do or do not." Words of wisdom from a short green man, but, he was wise.
I have not really lost any weight, I have not been writing as much as I would like, I have been getting up early in the mornings, mostly to wait for the coffee. I have been clearing my energy, and I am thinking of new and exciting ways to share what I can offer to the world. I was told last week that I was so beautiful, I could be a model. Made me feel good. I also like to toss around the idea of being a public speaker. I do like to talk to hear myself talk... I think I like the sound of my own voice, but, I don't like it so much these days... Have been sick with a cough that has been persistent.
I was talking to a client today, about how it's strange that when I was with another man, he would tell me things that I couldn't do, or wouldn't be able to do and I would do it just to prove him wrong. Now, being with Thomas who thinks I can do anything I want, who is supportive and kind and doesn't say mean things to me, I have no motivation to be anything other than what I am already. I did once read, either the Dali Lama or someone of the like said something to the effect that you are perfect just the way you are... you could use some improvement. I could use improvement.
The energy clearing is helping me a lot. I feel so glowy and happy when I'm done, and when I clear out all the bad stuff, I have it in my head what I tell myself that is good and happy and gets me going. I love that part. I have been listening to music that makes me feel good afterwards too. I don't think I can listen to some of the music I have after a good clearing, I want to put good things into my being. I have lots of love and light to give to the world!
I will persevere and keep going on my quest to be a better me. I am loving the journey these days though. It's a good ride!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Feeling Jazzy today...
This morning, I was going through Facebook, like every morning, and I saw something that a friend had put up about a guy we had gone to school with. His name is Spencer Day, was on the first season of American Idol, and now, is being featured in the Huffington Post, a guest on Craig Ferguson and so on. He is a musician, which comes as no surprise to anyone of us who knew him when. So, over to YouTube I go, and I see some of the stuff that he has done. Next, I ventured over to iTunes and preview the entire new CD that came out yesterday or the day before. WOW!! I am so loving this! Today, I think will be a jazzy kind of day.
It's kind of funny, what I remember of him. Nothing bad or anything like that, although, we did get into a fight once in Jr. high and he couldn't ride the bus for a while because of it. He was the kind of guy that everyone loved. It seemed that everyone seemed to gravitate towards this kid who was so loud and so fun. I do remember watching the BR news (trying not to laugh about that one either :) and seeing him and Chris Foster doing a version of Enter The Dragon. It was quite the funny episode of the daily school news. We also were in Speech and Debate together and while most of my memories of high school elude me, (must be the enormous amounts of Mountain Dew that I drank) I do remember being in the van going to Phoenix for the ASU tournament. All of us wanted to sleep and we were so tired and Spencer was talking the whole way down there. I do remember watching the sun come up and thinking how beautiful it was, listening to him and Devin doing some sort of improv comedic thing... they were always making all of us laugh. Good times :)
And, as I was reading this article from the Huffington Post, it's about him coming out, I was so impressed and so happy for him. It made me grin ear to ear about how well he has done and that he's taking the world by storm. All I could do was to repost the article and say how excited I was for him, because, I really am happy for him. Between him, Brig and Brandon, I am surprised that it's taken this long to hear about one of them. Such a talent that these brothers have, it's really no wonder that Spencer is doing great. I truly wish him the best of luck, and he's got a new forever fan!! I love the music, can't wait to see him in concert... again... though, I'm not too sure how much the choir really counts as a concert at this point. If that's the case, then I have seen him in concert, a lot.
Well done Spencer!!! I'm so happy for you, and hope only for the best for you and your life <3 :)
It's kind of funny, what I remember of him. Nothing bad or anything like that, although, we did get into a fight once in Jr. high and he couldn't ride the bus for a while because of it. He was the kind of guy that everyone loved. It seemed that everyone seemed to gravitate towards this kid who was so loud and so fun. I do remember watching the BR news (trying not to laugh about that one either :) and seeing him and Chris Foster doing a version of Enter The Dragon. It was quite the funny episode of the daily school news. We also were in Speech and Debate together and while most of my memories of high school elude me, (must be the enormous amounts of Mountain Dew that I drank) I do remember being in the van going to Phoenix for the ASU tournament. All of us wanted to sleep and we were so tired and Spencer was talking the whole way down there. I do remember watching the sun come up and thinking how beautiful it was, listening to him and Devin doing some sort of improv comedic thing... they were always making all of us laugh. Good times :)
And, as I was reading this article from the Huffington Post, it's about him coming out, I was so impressed and so happy for him. It made me grin ear to ear about how well he has done and that he's taking the world by storm. All I could do was to repost the article and say how excited I was for him, because, I really am happy for him. Between him, Brig and Brandon, I am surprised that it's taken this long to hear about one of them. Such a talent that these brothers have, it's really no wonder that Spencer is doing great. I truly wish him the best of luck, and he's got a new forever fan!! I love the music, can't wait to see him in concert... again... though, I'm not too sure how much the choir really counts as a concert at this point. If that's the case, then I have seen him in concert, a lot.
Well done Spencer!!! I'm so happy for you, and hope only for the best for you and your life <3 :)
Friday, March 1, 2013
Followup to Fear and Self Motivation
On the way home from work, I started to think about why am I not self motivated? I was going through many questions in my head and this is the one that stuck out for a while... I tried to remember a time when I was motivated to do something to prove someone wrong.... It was when I was told I would be cute if I lost some weight. I was on deployment so why not show that mother fucker off!! But it didn't seem to solve the question of why... and then it hit me. Fear. Fear of loss is really seems to get me motivated to do anything. I know that it's not the best thing to be motivated from, but it is. So what am I afraid of losing then, I asked myself... Hmmm... good question!
I thought about my parents. I'm afraid of fighting or standing my ground because I don't want them to treat me like they treat Brandy. I am afraid of fighting with Brandy because we got into an argument many years ago, and she didn't talk to me for a decade, and I don't want to lose my sister again. I'm afraid to argue with Thomas because I have this fear that if I stand up to him, then we may argue and he will want to leave. I am not lonely and I am not lonely when I'm alone, but, I don't think my heart could go on if I screwed up this love that I have with this man. I'm afraid that he will want to leave because there is no set rule or anything that says he will stay. I once signed a contract, legal and binding with someone who said that he wouldn't leave and he did. Mostly when I think of this fear, I remember what I know of Thomas and how he feels about me and our relationship, I have the huge sigh of relief because I know that he loves me and wants to be with me. He's a good positive influence on me and makes me think for myself. I feel so happy and grateful that I get to be with him in this life time. He loves me and says nice things to me... I really love that about him :)
I am afraid of being a bad influence on Kelsie and saying the wrong thing and she does something totally bad because I had been there done that. I am afraid of not being a good enough mother to Piper. Am I doing the best that I know how to take care of my family? I don't know all the time about that.
I began to ponder this some more. I am afraid of fighting, but why? Did I get into a fight with someone and lose? Did I fight and win? I lost a fight, not a physical fight and I am afraid of losing that kind of fight again. There was another point when I thought that I have never really fought for anything like a cause before and what was I so afraid of... Of losing?... But, what if? What if I won a fight for a cause? What would I feel like if I won a battle that I put out to win? (I didn't do a lot of winning when I was doing debate. I wasn't that great at it, I just wanted to earn more points and debate would get you points if you won or lost. Still got the points and I almost made it... oh well...)
Is it the rejection that I fear, I would have to say yes. Because I know that love is wonderful and beautiful and magical and feels like the best thing in the world.. However, rejection and sadness feel the exact opposite and that is what is the result of fear.....
I thought about this the whole way to lunch with Vanessa today. And when I got there and we started talking, I felt so much better because I know that I'm not a total lunatic... Well, I could be, but I'm not alone on how I feel in so many of these crazy ideas. It was by far the best lunch date I have had in a while. I missed talking to Nessa and I am so glad that she is my friend. I felt a renewed sense of peace after that, and I felt like a weight had been lifted.. I get it, now I can let it go, and move on to a land of less fear... I feel I have my joy again, and now, I can smile with my liver :)
I thought about my parents. I'm afraid of fighting or standing my ground because I don't want them to treat me like they treat Brandy. I am afraid of fighting with Brandy because we got into an argument many years ago, and she didn't talk to me for a decade, and I don't want to lose my sister again. I'm afraid to argue with Thomas because I have this fear that if I stand up to him, then we may argue and he will want to leave. I am not lonely and I am not lonely when I'm alone, but, I don't think my heart could go on if I screwed up this love that I have with this man. I'm afraid that he will want to leave because there is no set rule or anything that says he will stay. I once signed a contract, legal and binding with someone who said that he wouldn't leave and he did. Mostly when I think of this fear, I remember what I know of Thomas and how he feels about me and our relationship, I have the huge sigh of relief because I know that he loves me and wants to be with me. He's a good positive influence on me and makes me think for myself. I feel so happy and grateful that I get to be with him in this life time. He loves me and says nice things to me... I really love that about him :)
I am afraid of being a bad influence on Kelsie and saying the wrong thing and she does something totally bad because I had been there done that. I am afraid of not being a good enough mother to Piper. Am I doing the best that I know how to take care of my family? I don't know all the time about that.
I began to ponder this some more. I am afraid of fighting, but why? Did I get into a fight with someone and lose? Did I fight and win? I lost a fight, not a physical fight and I am afraid of losing that kind of fight again. There was another point when I thought that I have never really fought for anything like a cause before and what was I so afraid of... Of losing?... But, what if? What if I won a fight for a cause? What would I feel like if I won a battle that I put out to win? (I didn't do a lot of winning when I was doing debate. I wasn't that great at it, I just wanted to earn more points and debate would get you points if you won or lost. Still got the points and I almost made it... oh well...)
Is it the rejection that I fear, I would have to say yes. Because I know that love is wonderful and beautiful and magical and feels like the best thing in the world.. However, rejection and sadness feel the exact opposite and that is what is the result of fear.....
I thought about this the whole way to lunch with Vanessa today. And when I got there and we started talking, I felt so much better because I know that I'm not a total lunatic... Well, I could be, but I'm not alone on how I feel in so many of these crazy ideas. It was by far the best lunch date I have had in a while. I missed talking to Nessa and I am so glad that she is my friend. I felt a renewed sense of peace after that, and I felt like a weight had been lifted.. I get it, now I can let it go, and move on to a land of less fear... I feel I have my joy again, and now, I can smile with my liver :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)