When I took off for my run, I will had taken a break just prior to my run, and was starting to feel the effects of myself relaxing into a rhythm. I was breathing easily and listening to my music. I began to think about this day. What it is, what does it mean to me, how has the military changed me, and the likes of that. I thought about my service for the majority of my 5 plus miles today. Mostly, I think about what it means to me to be a veteran in this country today. My pace was very good and I was feeling like I was on cloud nine through out the run today. When I think back to why I joined the Navy, I am glad that I had to go through all of the stupid petty things to get there. In fact, Alexia had a lot more to do with it then I think she realizes it. I missed my sister more than I knew was possible. She was my best friend and I hated being away from her.. I still do in fact. I knew enough about boot camp from her letters that I would just have to embrace the suck of what boot camp was. And I did. And I got through it mostly pretty good. I felt good, I had lost weight, I thought I looked good for the first time that I could remember. I thought about my first Veteran's Day as an active duty Sailor. I was just leaving Great Lakes after boot camp and then three months in A school. I was heading home for Thanksgiving before going to my first duty station, U.S.S John F. Kennedy (CV-67).
That's when I really started to think about what it means to be brave and have courage. Everyone I know who has ever served has had what I like to call that Oh Shit, What The Fuck Have I Signed Up For? moment. I remember mine very clearly. It's not the boot camp wasn't scary, I knew it was going to be hard, but this, this was much more frightening for me. For one, durning the time I was in A School, our country had declared war, for two, I'm about to leave on deployment in a month.
For the last three months I had been in A School with Alexia and I was having a blast. If I had known what fun it was going to be, I would have joined a lot sooner. I was so skinny, and I had the time of my life being young and not caring and not knowing what the next day was going to bring, especially in a time of war. We lived at the edge of our seats, wondering if the people we met in school were going to be part of a crew of a ship that might not make it back.
When I got to Jacksonville that night, it was a Thursday night, I got off my plane to find that they lost my luggage. It was a sea bag, it had everything in it. All of my clothes, toothbrush, contacts, everything. Fuck. I take a taxi to the base and as I'm talking to this man, he was very kind and told me not to be too scared, it was going to be ok. We finally get to base, which, for whatever reason that I don't understand, was on the ocean (and I know it sounds stupid, but when you've lived inland your whole life, nothing prepares you for that vast deep blue that goes on forever. I somehow forgot that I was going to be literally on the ocean.). We come up to the ships in the harbor and begin to drive around to where my ship was suppose to be docked... As it turns out, it was not there. But there were about 8 or 9 ship in port that night. They had Christmas lights on the lines, it was so pretty and yet these things were massive. I had never guessed how big they could have been due to the fact that I had never seen a ship up close before. I knew they were going to be big but oh holy shit.
At this point I am about 2 miles into my run and I am loving the skyline. I noticed that the sunrise is in these hues of red and orange and yellow. I am listening to my music and Stonger is playing and I realize that it's true. What didn't kill me, made me so much stronger than I thought I could be. I survived things that I didn't think I would ever go through, and I made it.... I stop to take a photo and keep going onward.... on the road and in my mind...
I could go into what happened that weekend, but, suffice to say, I survived, not totally unscathed though. I put my uniform on that Monday morning, I had been able to retrieve my luggage on Sunday afternoon, and the duty driver and I took off for Mayport Naval Station. I get back to the base in the day light and I am now even more overwhelmed by what is in front of me. I am clutching my orders in their brown envelope to my chest, trying to breathe and just look as relaxed as possible. I don't think I was very convincing at that. We come around this corner and there is this air craft carrier in front of us, looming and it's the scariest thing I have ever seen. I don't think I have ever been more afraid in the whole of my life, even still. Once the van stopped, I knew this was it. I had to get out of it and board the ship.
I come to my trail on my run, and walk across the street with the dog. She's pretty excited about running this morning, as am I. I thought for a moment about what my life as a Veteran does now. On a Federal holiday, I am up before sunrise to run 5 miles. I get to watch the sunrise today, thinking about how my love is watching the sun come up at work right now. The skyline looks different, but, he's with my even now... I take comfort in that thought. I notice that my meds are starting to wear off and I would have liked to take some with me so I can enjoy the run as much as I have been, but, I keep going, one foot in front of the other....
To try to explain the fear I had in that moment is a moot point. If you have never done something like that, you won't understand what it means. But through all of that fear and trepidation, I managed to put one foot in front of the other and I made it to the ship's brow. I know I was shaking and my voice cracked when I asked permission to board and then handed them my orders. I can't remember much else about that first day, but I know I was sick that first few days, and I was scared to death for the first week.
Time goes by and you fall into a routine, and that routine becomes your life. You start to loosen up a bit and start to talk to the people that you live with, because make no mistake about it, you live on that ship. You eat, sleep, work, everything and that's a new feeling all to itself. If you had no vehicle, you walked everywhere on base or you got a cab and went out in town. When my LPO had duty, he would loan me his car so I could get off the base and go do stuff that I needed to do. I learned to go have dinner by myself, and go to the mall and shopping by myself and I started to gain a sense of self confidence that I had never really known before.
I could go on about what happened in the years that followed but, that's not what I wanted to talk about today. It's that moment of being so scared and you keep going. Your days may run together and the fear never leaves you, but, it becomes part of the routine. It keeps you alert and on your toes. Despite all of it, you find uncommon friendship, and a sense of commonality that binds you to each other. I can tell you that as part of the elite that is known as Naval Engineering, we are bound to our shipmates, good, bad or otherwise.
Not everyone I served with is here today. The first one I remember hearing about was MM3 Fowler. He died in a motorcycle accident. And then Dax from H2S poisoning. And then slowly the years creep by, and we lose more, like Greewald to ALS, whom I didn't particularly care for, but whose death had a huge impact on me. Ryder who when he passed I wept for him, and couldn't figure out why.. He was always in our shop talking to Jarod, he was always so kind. A beautiful soul. I can't tell you how many other vets I hear talk about the ones they have lost too, and it breaks my heart in so many ways. Yet, I can't say how many times since leaving the Navy I too have gone toe to toe with my demons and managed to fight them off, not all have that same luck I do.
For those I served with, you are the reason I have social media, even the ones I don't talk to. For the women in particular, you have impacted my life in so many ways, each and every one of you. I can't say that I am good or even mediocre friend, but, I watch you and smile for your victories and cry when you lose something dear. I love that you all have so much love of country, and aren't afraid to show it. I can say many things that I am or that I have done, but none compare with the pride of being able to say, I am proud to be a Naval Engineer, I am damn proud to be a Navy Veteran.
And with that I made it home from my run this morning, 5 miles under the belt for this holiday. Have a great day all.. And I passed 1200 km for the year, I'm pretty jazzed about that.
Happy Running All~
