Normally, I would chose to talk about where we as a society have gone wrong, but not so much today. I have been reading the book Siddhartha and in it, there have been many questions that it has brought up for me personally.
In the chapter, Awakening, it starts to go into the awakening that happened to Siddhartha. I have pondered these few sentences for a while,
"Slowly the thinker went on his way and asked himself: What is it that you wanted to learn from teachings and teachers, and although they taught you much, what was it they could not teach you? And he thought: It was the Self, the character and nature of which I wished to learn. I wanted to rid myself of the Self, to conquer it, but I could not conquer it, I could only deceive it, could only fly from it, could only hide from it. Truly, nothing in the world has occupied my thoughts as much as the Self, this riddle, that i live, that I am one and am separated and different from everybody else, that I am Siddhartha; and about nothing in the world do I know less than about myself, about Siddhartha.
The thinker, slowly going on his way, suddenly stood still, gripped by this thought, and another thought immediately arose from this one. It was: The reason why I do not know anything about myself, the reason why Siddhartha has remained alien and unknown to myself is due to one thing, to one single thing--I was afraid of myself, I was fleeing from myself. I was seeking Brahman, Atman, I wished to destroy myself, to get away from myself, in order to find in the unknown innermost, the nucleus of all things, Atman, Life, the Divine, the Absolute. But by doing so, I lost myself on the way."
I pondered these two paragraphs for more than a week. And I read it and reread it again and again. What does that mean to me, how can I put these thoughts to work for me? So, after much thinking and meditating on it, I came up with this: We spend our lives trying to learn the teachings of others who are great. Our teacher, our parents, they can all teach us something, but, what can we learn from them about ourselves. They can teach us right from wrong, how to balance our checkbooks (which is our duty as a parents to teach our kids that for sure), but they can't teach us who we are. We then spend much of our lives trying to figure it out, we hide from ourselves, mostly because we are afraid of who we might be, but, we don't ever really take the time to find out.
I can say that not everyone will really find themselves. It takes a lot of time spending time alone with our thoughts, not with our music, in our heads, finding out what really makes us who we are. It goes back to the question Are you lonely when you're alone? If so, what don't you like about yourself?
So then, what after I find what I don't like about myself? What do I do with this information? I think we have a choice between either accepting it, or making the decision to change it. At least, that's what Thomas and I think about it. Interesting indeed.
Another thing that has got me, was the goal in my life, is to live in the present. The way I see it is this. I can not change the past. I cannot spend my life wishing for a better past, it's not going to happen. The future is anyone's bet. Que Sera Sera, what will be, will be. I can spend the time I have here on this planet, living right now. The only thing that matters is Right NOW!! This very moment. Life is a series of moments and I want to make sure that my mind is present for all of them. To be able to enjoy this gift of life that I have. I don't know what the future will bring, but, I want to make sure that whatever it is, I'm here for it, and that's the best that I can do.
The next thing that the book talked about was listening to the voice inside our heads. I know, voices in your head are for crazies, but, it had more to do with the voice of ourselves, within ourselves. Why do we do the things we do? Would we do those silly things if we stopped and listened? I still think that we could wipe out war in one generation if we taught our kids to meditate, and they did it everyday. I know that I should do it more, but, I am either lazy or just don't make the time for it. Mostly, I just don't make the time for it. But, when I do, I find that my mind is better at making decisions. There is much that I have to do that I really don't want to, but, I must. But, I will think about that later, right now though, I have an angel to sit with for a while. Peace :)
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Society and Sex
Today, after doing a lot of debating, I have chosen to talk about sex and our society. I am sure there are lots of people who will love to read about this one, so, for you, I hope that you like it.
In the American culture, we are saturated with sex from the time we are born until the day that we die. It's in our media, in our music, in our news broadcasts, our entertainment, everywhere you look, it's about sex. Even more so, it's about sex appeal. How do we view ourselves and others in the world around us. What is beautiful and who decides who or what is beautiful.
What really makes me wonder is, in our society today, where we are inundated with all this sex, why is it such a bad thing to be a female who enjoys sex. Not only to just enjoy sex, but, with more than a few partners. We look at men who have many conquests and we see them as a stud and they are so great, but a woman, well, she's obviously a whore if she's like that. Why? Why can't women enjoy sex like a strong man can? Seems a bit sexist to me that, in the 21st century, we are still treating women like pieces of property who are incapable of being able to enjoy the same pleasures as a man (it also seems strange with all of our technology today, that instead of having flying cars and hovercrafts, we have blankets with sleeves). And don't even get me started on the topic of abortion and a woman's right to her body... that's not what I'm here to talk about..... today.
So then, sex. It's a taboo topic for many people and there are some people that I really don't want to talk about sex with, my parents being one of them. I think it's funny how I can talk about it with my sisters and my friends, but, mom and dad, I just eww. Can't do it. But, it's something that totally holds my interest. Actually, the only things that I don't joke about are sex and my family. I mean, I can joke about them, but, I don't lie about that kind of stuff. I enjoy talking about it, to me it's interesting for sure. Much like music is interesting to me too, I enjoy talking about that too.
In the book that I just finished, Mastering 5 Elements, Tanya Storch and Jeff Primack describe sex something like this:
"'Energy that runs through people's relationships is one of the strongest energies on Earth, especially if it involves sexual intimacy. Think about it Tanya, most of the things that we see, touch and move with our hands are not allowed to penetrate our physical bodies. Only air, food, drink and our love-partner receive our permission to go deep, very deep inside our skin. Thus, the energy exchange that happens though romantic, intimate loving can either make you strong and healthy, or it can weaken and destroy you. People seldom realize this when they initiate a merging of Qi and Jing by uniting with each other through physical love. They generate such a high level of new energy that one can make an atomic bomb from it, or use it for electricity...enough to light up a whole city in Siberia.' He laughed then, his eyes mischievous yet sincere. 'Out of the energy of merging of the female and male Qi and Jing a whole new human can be created. You just think about this -- No amount of human effort put together for many years in many different laboratories around the world can create one little baby, but a couple of lovers can do it in one hour or less!'"
The passage goes on for a bit longer, but you get the idea. The book itself was talking about the 5 elements that rule our personalities and over all can help us understand ourselves and our partners a little bit better, I totally recommend that you get a copy and read it. Very good read! So, according this, sex is an exchange of energy. And the energy is so great, that it can create. I guess I had yet to really think of it like that, but, it's true. It took a massive amount of energy to create the earth, and it takes that kind of electricity to make a create a person. Interesting.
Me personally, I enjoy it. I think most who have experienced sex, do tend to like it. And I like it for more than one reason. The first reason has to do with the man that I am in love with, the one that I share my life with. He... well, he's pretty awesome! I don't like to go into too much detail, but, I will say that I love being with him. The next reason, is the way that I feel afterwards. I used to feel somewhat guilty and sad and I liked having sex, but, used to feel somewhat empty afterwards, and what was strange is I was married at the time. It was as though I was doing something that I should not be doing. How terrible is that?! Now, I feel so glowy and alive and full of energy ready to take on what ever the day is going to throw my way, or ready for some good sound sleep. Either way, I am feeling good. I am feeling great in fact! I like it because it keeps me in a good mood for longer. Like, even if I am not having the best day, I can still smile because of it. I like the way skin on skin feels, and I love the way Thomas kisses!!!
I have a hard time with people who say that sex is bad, or women or men are the root of all evil. I think it has nothing to do with sex. Greed and the desire for control is the root of evil on this planet. I mean think of it this way, you can read a book about someone getting eaten by a shark, in very graphic detail and no one thinks anything of it. You write a penis and a vagina, you are labeled as some sort of pornographic writer. I don't know about anyone else out there, but, I would much rather read and experience the whole penis thing than to ever know what it feels like to have 6 rows of serrated razor sharp teeth penetrate my skin, body, or organs. Just saying!!!
In recent years, I have read the Karma Sutra. I have even loved it so much that I gave a copy of it to my parents (not that I ever really want to know if they are reading it, but, when asked what the key is to a long healthy life, I told my mom, yoga, massage, and sex... and gave her the books Sexy Yoga and The Karma Sutra for her birthday). What I liked was not that it gave a picture detail of how to, most of those are only to be tried by experienced Yogis, but, how it went into details about how to pick a mate, how to hold one another, how to kiss each other, and that when looking for a mate, you should chose someone you love. Now think of this... When The Karma Sutra was being written, so was the book of Revelations. Two vastly different cultures with the only similarity being we are humans together on this planet, searching for love.
I have taken the ideas and beliefs more of the Buddhist nature in the last few years for a few reasons. One being life experience has taught me something different than what the Church has tried to sell me. That doesn't mean that I have no faith, I just have a different opinion than others. Thomas and I joke about a movie, Bull Durham with Kevin Costner and Susan Sarandon. That first part of the movie, in the very beginning where she says, "I believe in the church of Baseball." I don't think it's fair that we as a people let a company run our lives. I think we are capable of making our own decisions and if those include lots of sex, then that's what it is. I can't say that it's always a safe idea and or that there are those out there who are just trying to hurt you, but, as a woman, I like sex and I am going to continue to do it until it's a physical impossibility. I have been told that eventually, birthday sex isn't a big thing, I don't want to live to be that old then. It's an important part of any relationship and it's a way to connect.
But, those are just my thoughts on it. I know, it's a bit scattered today, took me a few times of editing this to get it out, but, overall, it's just my opinion. And opinions are like assholes, every one's got one, some of them stink :) Peace...
In the American culture, we are saturated with sex from the time we are born until the day that we die. It's in our media, in our music, in our news broadcasts, our entertainment, everywhere you look, it's about sex. Even more so, it's about sex appeal. How do we view ourselves and others in the world around us. What is beautiful and who decides who or what is beautiful.
What really makes me wonder is, in our society today, where we are inundated with all this sex, why is it such a bad thing to be a female who enjoys sex. Not only to just enjoy sex, but, with more than a few partners. We look at men who have many conquests and we see them as a stud and they are so great, but a woman, well, she's obviously a whore if she's like that. Why? Why can't women enjoy sex like a strong man can? Seems a bit sexist to me that, in the 21st century, we are still treating women like pieces of property who are incapable of being able to enjoy the same pleasures as a man (it also seems strange with all of our technology today, that instead of having flying cars and hovercrafts, we have blankets with sleeves). And don't even get me started on the topic of abortion and a woman's right to her body... that's not what I'm here to talk about..... today.
So then, sex. It's a taboo topic for many people and there are some people that I really don't want to talk about sex with, my parents being one of them. I think it's funny how I can talk about it with my sisters and my friends, but, mom and dad, I just eww. Can't do it. But, it's something that totally holds my interest. Actually, the only things that I don't joke about are sex and my family. I mean, I can joke about them, but, I don't lie about that kind of stuff. I enjoy talking about it, to me it's interesting for sure. Much like music is interesting to me too, I enjoy talking about that too.
In the book that I just finished, Mastering 5 Elements, Tanya Storch and Jeff Primack describe sex something like this:
"'Energy that runs through people's relationships is one of the strongest energies on Earth, especially if it involves sexual intimacy. Think about it Tanya, most of the things that we see, touch and move with our hands are not allowed to penetrate our physical bodies. Only air, food, drink and our love-partner receive our permission to go deep, very deep inside our skin. Thus, the energy exchange that happens though romantic, intimate loving can either make you strong and healthy, or it can weaken and destroy you. People seldom realize this when they initiate a merging of Qi and Jing by uniting with each other through physical love. They generate such a high level of new energy that one can make an atomic bomb from it, or use it for electricity...enough to light up a whole city in Siberia.' He laughed then, his eyes mischievous yet sincere. 'Out of the energy of merging of the female and male Qi and Jing a whole new human can be created. You just think about this -- No amount of human effort put together for many years in many different laboratories around the world can create one little baby, but a couple of lovers can do it in one hour or less!'"
The passage goes on for a bit longer, but you get the idea. The book itself was talking about the 5 elements that rule our personalities and over all can help us understand ourselves and our partners a little bit better, I totally recommend that you get a copy and read it. Very good read! So, according this, sex is an exchange of energy. And the energy is so great, that it can create. I guess I had yet to really think of it like that, but, it's true. It took a massive amount of energy to create the earth, and it takes that kind of electricity to make a create a person. Interesting.
Me personally, I enjoy it. I think most who have experienced sex, do tend to like it. And I like it for more than one reason. The first reason has to do with the man that I am in love with, the one that I share my life with. He... well, he's pretty awesome! I don't like to go into too much detail, but, I will say that I love being with him. The next reason, is the way that I feel afterwards. I used to feel somewhat guilty and sad and I liked having sex, but, used to feel somewhat empty afterwards, and what was strange is I was married at the time. It was as though I was doing something that I should not be doing. How terrible is that?! Now, I feel so glowy and alive and full of energy ready to take on what ever the day is going to throw my way, or ready for some good sound sleep. Either way, I am feeling good. I am feeling great in fact! I like it because it keeps me in a good mood for longer. Like, even if I am not having the best day, I can still smile because of it. I like the way skin on skin feels, and I love the way Thomas kisses!!!
I have a hard time with people who say that sex is bad, or women or men are the root of all evil. I think it has nothing to do with sex. Greed and the desire for control is the root of evil on this planet. I mean think of it this way, you can read a book about someone getting eaten by a shark, in very graphic detail and no one thinks anything of it. You write a penis and a vagina, you are labeled as some sort of pornographic writer. I don't know about anyone else out there, but, I would much rather read and experience the whole penis thing than to ever know what it feels like to have 6 rows of serrated razor sharp teeth penetrate my skin, body, or organs. Just saying!!!
In recent years, I have read the Karma Sutra. I have even loved it so much that I gave a copy of it to my parents (not that I ever really want to know if they are reading it, but, when asked what the key is to a long healthy life, I told my mom, yoga, massage, and sex... and gave her the books Sexy Yoga and The Karma Sutra for her birthday). What I liked was not that it gave a picture detail of how to, most of those are only to be tried by experienced Yogis, but, how it went into details about how to pick a mate, how to hold one another, how to kiss each other, and that when looking for a mate, you should chose someone you love. Now think of this... When The Karma Sutra was being written, so was the book of Revelations. Two vastly different cultures with the only similarity being we are humans together on this planet, searching for love.
I have taken the ideas and beliefs more of the Buddhist nature in the last few years for a few reasons. One being life experience has taught me something different than what the Church has tried to sell me. That doesn't mean that I have no faith, I just have a different opinion than others. Thomas and I joke about a movie, Bull Durham with Kevin Costner and Susan Sarandon. That first part of the movie, in the very beginning where she says, "I believe in the church of Baseball." I don't think it's fair that we as a people let a company run our lives. I think we are capable of making our own decisions and if those include lots of sex, then that's what it is. I can't say that it's always a safe idea and or that there are those out there who are just trying to hurt you, but, as a woman, I like sex and I am going to continue to do it until it's a physical impossibility. I have been told that eventually, birthday sex isn't a big thing, I don't want to live to be that old then. It's an important part of any relationship and it's a way to connect.
But, those are just my thoughts on it. I know, it's a bit scattered today, took me a few times of editing this to get it out, but, overall, it's just my opinion. And opinions are like assholes, every one's got one, some of them stink :) Peace...
Friday, August 16, 2013
School... 12th grade... Senior Year, Hooray!!!
I couldn't believe that it's actually taken me this long to get through 6 years of school. I have thought long and hard on these years in my life, and really, I am glad that they are over. I had a lot of things happen my last year in high school, so, in true honor of my commitment to tell the truth about myself, I will tell the story of my last year in high school. As in the beginning of this, I have chosen to not mention last names to keep those involved, good, bad or otherwise, somewhat protected. I think it's only fair to do so. Anyhow, so...
My last year of school, I couldn't wait to get it over with! For classes this year, I had decided to really have some fun, thinking I was going to take the easy way out, and I took a CNA class for my science credits that was all morning, every morning. Followed by lunch and then math class. I would carpool with two other girls from my school every morning. We took turns driving, one each week. So, it was going to be easier on our gas tanks, and wallets...back when gas was about a buck a gallon. And we whined about it then... ugh! Anyhow, I know that I liked the CNA class, at least the school work part. Not so much on the other part of it, where we would go to the nursing home and work with the patients there. Or the hospital where half the nursing home residents were currently getting care. It was a hard thing for me to see just how bad it was. I have a lot of respect for the men and women who do that, but, I discovered that I couldn't do it. I got through the class overall, but I never took the state exam to do the work.
During this time, I also took pre-calculus. I wasn't very good in math, and really, I'm not all that great at it, but, I do get by when I need to. Due to the fact that I wasn't very good at it, didn't understand a lot of what was going on, and I was having a hard time emotionally with my other class, I ditched. A lot. In fact, when I didn't want to ditch, I would call my dad at work and have him talk to Gail. I even used my emergency contact person to get out of school one day. And yes, for the second part of the semester, I did fail that class. And I wasn't really upset about it, I just, was like, oh well.
I wasn't doing band again this year, and for the second time, work took most importance for me. Which brings up an event that somewhat shaped how I view a few things now days... well, one thing actually. Sex. This has taken a lot of debate if I wanted to divulge this information or not, and I decided that I would. So, while at work one day, I was looking through the news paper, trying to find a vehicle that I wanted. And in walked a guy that had caught my eye the year before... Aaron. By this time, it was September and we had gotten through our little tiff, (I think it was when he was given the job of telling the carry-outs what to do, and he used that to have me clean all the drains in the store, with a small scrub brush) so we were on friendly-er terms. At least we were talking and for me, that was better than the alternative. He walks in and asked what am I doing... Looking for a truck that I want. I really want to have Glenn's truck [a guy that I known the whole of my life who wouldn't give me the time of day].... Why don't you sleep with him and get it over with? .... I don't want to suck at it, still hasn't happened yet.... If you ever need some help with that let me know.... (Wait, what????!!! Did he really just say what I think he did?) OK, it's a deal then.... When?..... How about for my birthday, it's in about 3 weeks?..... OK, deal.
WHAT??!!! Holy shit, I just managed to figure out how to finally end this once in my life time, virginity problem! Wow... now what? Well, the next three weeks, I have time to sit and think about this... should I try to lose weight, should I do something to make myself feel special, maybe buy new underwear... Hmmm... This was going to be a toughie. At this point, I think I only told Diane, a girl that I worked with. I am not sure if she said anything to anyone else about it, but, it was something that was huge for me. About a week before the day, he comes to me and asks if we are still on for my big day. I say of course... now he wants the details of this. OK, so, we decided since I don't have to work until late on Friday, we think this will be the day for it. I get out of school after 3rd hour, so I can come to his house after that... oh shit this is really going to happen. OK, I can do this, it's OK. Don't obsess over it Julie.
Friday finally gets here, and I am a little nervous, to say the least. I didn't say anything to my closest friends because I don't think any of them would really understand what was going on. I go home after school, and brush my teeth, I think I even changed underwear, but, I can't remember that. I grab my favorite tape to play and take off. Now it takes about 7 or 8 minutes to get to his house, so I put my tape in and hit play, it was U2, With or Without You (to this day, if I hear this song, I just smile to myself). I pull up to the house. It's just him, thankfully, that would be weird if his mom was home.
We go inside, he was outside waiting for me. Now, this is something that has made me wonder since it happened. Why? What made him change his mind and now all of the sudden he wants to not only talk to me, but, be the first? I know at the time it baffled my mind, but, now, I don't think of it so much. He was just a guy, and I was just a girl, waiting for someone to show me the way.
I remember walking up to his room, and then he turned, and motioned for me to come closer. My stomach was in my throat and oh my god is this about to happen is all that I can think of. He kissed me. I remember it because it was the first time a guy had kissed me like that... well, not like that in general, but, with intention. He was a good kisser. The afternoon progressed and it was not something that I will talk about, but, it was good, as good as a first time can be. He was kind and thoughtful, and when it ended, he kissed me and then that was it. I had to go home and get ready for work.
I didn't work til 5 that night, and before I went it, I went to get some food and all I could do was think about it. While at work, I would have this most graphic shag flashback and it would be like, WHOA!!! Holy shit, I had SEX! I didn't tell anyone about it. None of my close friends would find out for another 6 months. He had asked me to keep it between us, didn't want it to get around work I guess. Whatever.
After that, as far as school went, the next day was a Saturday, I got my first tattoo. When I got home from Trisha's house on Sunday, my dad asked me what I did that weekend... oh you know, got drunk, got laid, got a tattoo... he was like, whatever. ;) Oh I was so bad.
A few months later, sometime during the snow, I remember being approached by another to hook up with him, which I really wanted to, but, he was with my friend, and I couldn't do that to her. Friends don't sleep with their friends' boyfriends. Though, I thought about it afterwards.
School the next semester was OK. I didn't have a 1st period class so I slept in everyday. That was nice. Lexi and Diana (one of the two girls next door) would take the truck to school, and about ten till 9, Jessica (Diana's older sister, who was in my grade) and I would go to school. It was a good deal. I continued to do Speech and Debate, which I think I actually got better at it. For our Tri-State tournament, Karla and I did an acting thing about Anastasia and her grandmother and I think we took 6th in it. It was the first time I had ever done gotten that far in a tournament. Yay us!! We wore two formal gowns, and they were so pretty. One was an emerald green with cream straps, and the other was a dark blue off the shoulder dress. Both were awesome! I was so happy about actually getting that far. It was a good night for me.
For my senior year, I had decided to take German II and go to Germany with the German club. I had to do all the work myself, because the other German II class was the first semester. I was a little bummed that Lexi wouldn't be taking it with me, or going to Europe with me for that matter. There was another guy in that class that I kind of liked, name was Devin. We were friendly but never really anything else, though I did hope so. Sometime in the spring, we went to my house and I bleached his hair for him, and then he did mine. It didn't turn out like I had hoped. We would spend a lot time in class goofy off and not really doing our work. At this point, I really didn't care. I just wanted to get out of that place.
By this time, it was pretty much a sure thing that I would be going to Europe with the German club. Now, in the fall, there was a group of kids who came over from Offenburg Germany who had stayed with us. I had two girls, Anina and Claudia. They were so cool, and I was so not cool. I worked a lot and I snored which seemed to keep them awake... headphones people, really. Well, when I was to get to Germany, I would be staying with one of them. I didn't know which one I would eventually stay with either, until we got to Germany. (That is a whole other entry which would have to include the whole summer for that matter. It was a summer to remember, and it was a lot of fun. I think looking back on it now, being that I wasn't dating anyone at that point, I can be really glad for it, without thinking of how much I hate someone else now, lucky me :) I do remember, right before graduation, Devin and I decided that it would be fun to switch hits with each other. This was after I bought my graduation dress, it was so pretty, and would show off my arms. I ended up with some serious bruises on my arms. Then, the Sunday before graduation, I bleached my hair again, my mom told me I had to change the color again, since there was no way I was going to be allowed to walk with my hair like that. The next day, I let someone draw on my arms, in black sharpie. I didn't make a lot of good choices for about a month before I graduated, but that's not the point.
At last, I made it to graduation. I didn't think this day would ever get here. How fantastic is that! I had waited until the last few weeks to ask someone to walk with me for our graduation ceremony. The first two guys that I had asked, failed our senior year and wouldn't be walking.... Shit! There was almost no one left to walk with. Then, thankfully, a very nice guy named Sant didn't have anyone to walk with. So I asked him if he would walk with me. He said yes. I was really relieved by that. He was so nice and a lot smarter than what I think others gave him credit for, though, I have a feeling I was a bit too wild for him, even as a friend.
We walked and I got my diploma. It was such a great feeling! And after graduation, I was going to join the marines... that didn't happen, but, I did think about it. I wanted to get out of the town and just do something. Thankfully though, Germany was a week away, and I was to begin an adventure of a lifetime. One that I still tell my family about to this day. I can say, to anyone who ever has the chance of getting to go to Europe for any length of time, do it. You will always wish you did if you don't go, and you will never forget it!!!
In the time between graduation and leaving for Germany, I managed to help plant the garden and get that all going. I was going to miss my sister. I hadn't been apart for long, ever. I hated to think of her not going with me, but, it wasn't in the cards for us. I am thinking that it's a good thing that I ended up going, because if not, I probably would have run off with the Rainbow people when they came to the mountain while I was gone... Oh that summer......
My last year of school, I couldn't wait to get it over with! For classes this year, I had decided to really have some fun, thinking I was going to take the easy way out, and I took a CNA class for my science credits that was all morning, every morning. Followed by lunch and then math class. I would carpool with two other girls from my school every morning. We took turns driving, one each week. So, it was going to be easier on our gas tanks, and wallets...back when gas was about a buck a gallon. And we whined about it then... ugh! Anyhow, I know that I liked the CNA class, at least the school work part. Not so much on the other part of it, where we would go to the nursing home and work with the patients there. Or the hospital where half the nursing home residents were currently getting care. It was a hard thing for me to see just how bad it was. I have a lot of respect for the men and women who do that, but, I discovered that I couldn't do it. I got through the class overall, but I never took the state exam to do the work.
During this time, I also took pre-calculus. I wasn't very good in math, and really, I'm not all that great at it, but, I do get by when I need to. Due to the fact that I wasn't very good at it, didn't understand a lot of what was going on, and I was having a hard time emotionally with my other class, I ditched. A lot. In fact, when I didn't want to ditch, I would call my dad at work and have him talk to Gail. I even used my emergency contact person to get out of school one day. And yes, for the second part of the semester, I did fail that class. And I wasn't really upset about it, I just, was like, oh well.
I wasn't doing band again this year, and for the second time, work took most importance for me. Which brings up an event that somewhat shaped how I view a few things now days... well, one thing actually. Sex. This has taken a lot of debate if I wanted to divulge this information or not, and I decided that I would. So, while at work one day, I was looking through the news paper, trying to find a vehicle that I wanted. And in walked a guy that had caught my eye the year before... Aaron. By this time, it was September and we had gotten through our little tiff, (I think it was when he was given the job of telling the carry-outs what to do, and he used that to have me clean all the drains in the store, with a small scrub brush) so we were on friendly-er terms. At least we were talking and for me, that was better than the alternative. He walks in and asked what am I doing... Looking for a truck that I want. I really want to have Glenn's truck [a guy that I known the whole of my life who wouldn't give me the time of day].... Why don't you sleep with him and get it over with? .... I don't want to suck at it, still hasn't happened yet.... If you ever need some help with that let me know.... (Wait, what????!!! Did he really just say what I think he did?) OK, it's a deal then.... When?..... How about for my birthday, it's in about 3 weeks?..... OK, deal.
WHAT??!!! Holy shit, I just managed to figure out how to finally end this once in my life time, virginity problem! Wow... now what? Well, the next three weeks, I have time to sit and think about this... should I try to lose weight, should I do something to make myself feel special, maybe buy new underwear... Hmmm... This was going to be a toughie. At this point, I think I only told Diane, a girl that I worked with. I am not sure if she said anything to anyone else about it, but, it was something that was huge for me. About a week before the day, he comes to me and asks if we are still on for my big day. I say of course... now he wants the details of this. OK, so, we decided since I don't have to work until late on Friday, we think this will be the day for it. I get out of school after 3rd hour, so I can come to his house after that... oh shit this is really going to happen. OK, I can do this, it's OK. Don't obsess over it Julie.
Friday finally gets here, and I am a little nervous, to say the least. I didn't say anything to my closest friends because I don't think any of them would really understand what was going on. I go home after school, and brush my teeth, I think I even changed underwear, but, I can't remember that. I grab my favorite tape to play and take off. Now it takes about 7 or 8 minutes to get to his house, so I put my tape in and hit play, it was U2, With or Without You (to this day, if I hear this song, I just smile to myself). I pull up to the house. It's just him, thankfully, that would be weird if his mom was home.
We go inside, he was outside waiting for me. Now, this is something that has made me wonder since it happened. Why? What made him change his mind and now all of the sudden he wants to not only talk to me, but, be the first? I know at the time it baffled my mind, but, now, I don't think of it so much. He was just a guy, and I was just a girl, waiting for someone to show me the way.
I remember walking up to his room, and then he turned, and motioned for me to come closer. My stomach was in my throat and oh my god is this about to happen is all that I can think of. He kissed me. I remember it because it was the first time a guy had kissed me like that... well, not like that in general, but, with intention. He was a good kisser. The afternoon progressed and it was not something that I will talk about, but, it was good, as good as a first time can be. He was kind and thoughtful, and when it ended, he kissed me and then that was it. I had to go home and get ready for work.
I didn't work til 5 that night, and before I went it, I went to get some food and all I could do was think about it. While at work, I would have this most graphic shag flashback and it would be like, WHOA!!! Holy shit, I had SEX! I didn't tell anyone about it. None of my close friends would find out for another 6 months. He had asked me to keep it between us, didn't want it to get around work I guess. Whatever.
After that, as far as school went, the next day was a Saturday, I got my first tattoo. When I got home from Trisha's house on Sunday, my dad asked me what I did that weekend... oh you know, got drunk, got laid, got a tattoo... he was like, whatever. ;) Oh I was so bad.
A few months later, sometime during the snow, I remember being approached by another to hook up with him, which I really wanted to, but, he was with my friend, and I couldn't do that to her. Friends don't sleep with their friends' boyfriends. Though, I thought about it afterwards.
School the next semester was OK. I didn't have a 1st period class so I slept in everyday. That was nice. Lexi and Diana (one of the two girls next door) would take the truck to school, and about ten till 9, Jessica (Diana's older sister, who was in my grade) and I would go to school. It was a good deal. I continued to do Speech and Debate, which I think I actually got better at it. For our Tri-State tournament, Karla and I did an acting thing about Anastasia and her grandmother and I think we took 6th in it. It was the first time I had ever done gotten that far in a tournament. Yay us!! We wore two formal gowns, and they were so pretty. One was an emerald green with cream straps, and the other was a dark blue off the shoulder dress. Both were awesome! I was so happy about actually getting that far. It was a good night for me.
For my senior year, I had decided to take German II and go to Germany with the German club. I had to do all the work myself, because the other German II class was the first semester. I was a little bummed that Lexi wouldn't be taking it with me, or going to Europe with me for that matter. There was another guy in that class that I kind of liked, name was Devin. We were friendly but never really anything else, though I did hope so. Sometime in the spring, we went to my house and I bleached his hair for him, and then he did mine. It didn't turn out like I had hoped. We would spend a lot time in class goofy off and not really doing our work. At this point, I really didn't care. I just wanted to get out of that place.
By this time, it was pretty much a sure thing that I would be going to Europe with the German club. Now, in the fall, there was a group of kids who came over from Offenburg Germany who had stayed with us. I had two girls, Anina and Claudia. They were so cool, and I was so not cool. I worked a lot and I snored which seemed to keep them awake... headphones people, really. Well, when I was to get to Germany, I would be staying with one of them. I didn't know which one I would eventually stay with either, until we got to Germany. (That is a whole other entry which would have to include the whole summer for that matter. It was a summer to remember, and it was a lot of fun. I think looking back on it now, being that I wasn't dating anyone at that point, I can be really glad for it, without thinking of how much I hate someone else now, lucky me :) I do remember, right before graduation, Devin and I decided that it would be fun to switch hits with each other. This was after I bought my graduation dress, it was so pretty, and would show off my arms. I ended up with some serious bruises on my arms. Then, the Sunday before graduation, I bleached my hair again, my mom told me I had to change the color again, since there was no way I was going to be allowed to walk with my hair like that. The next day, I let someone draw on my arms, in black sharpie. I didn't make a lot of good choices for about a month before I graduated, but that's not the point.
At last, I made it to graduation. I didn't think this day would ever get here. How fantastic is that! I had waited until the last few weeks to ask someone to walk with me for our graduation ceremony. The first two guys that I had asked, failed our senior year and wouldn't be walking.... Shit! There was almost no one left to walk with. Then, thankfully, a very nice guy named Sant didn't have anyone to walk with. So I asked him if he would walk with me. He said yes. I was really relieved by that. He was so nice and a lot smarter than what I think others gave him credit for, though, I have a feeling I was a bit too wild for him, even as a friend.
We walked and I got my diploma. It was such a great feeling! And after graduation, I was going to join the marines... that didn't happen, but, I did think about it. I wanted to get out of the town and just do something. Thankfully though, Germany was a week away, and I was to begin an adventure of a lifetime. One that I still tell my family about to this day. I can say, to anyone who ever has the chance of getting to go to Europe for any length of time, do it. You will always wish you did if you don't go, and you will never forget it!!!
In the time between graduation and leaving for Germany, I managed to help plant the garden and get that all going. I was going to miss my sister. I hadn't been apart for long, ever. I hated to think of her not going with me, but, it wasn't in the cards for us. I am thinking that it's a good thing that I ended up going, because if not, I probably would have run off with the Rainbow people when they came to the mountain while I was gone... Oh that summer......
My new computer
This week, we got a new computer. I was pretty excited about that. Not only do I get to have a new computer, but, when it came time to make sure that i didn't lose everything, I was able, without any help, to get all the important information off of the old computer and get it to the new one. All I have to do now, is get the old hard drive and have it made into an external hard drive. I was even able to make sure that itunes and my music library was saved. How awesome is that?
So, now, I feel like my life is returning to normal again. I get up, make the coffee, play on the computer until it's done and I feel good about getting some time to myself. Now I have to get up about 30 minutes earlier for it to work out well for me. Too bad I have began making less coffee now. Oh well, it's all good.
I am ready for the weekend, well, actually, I am ready to sleep in, that would be ideal... Come on Sunday... I am ready for you!
So, with the new computer comes a few things that I really don't like... It doesn't do the auto correct with typing and it doesn't automatically capitalize I when I forget to, and I don't know how to fix it... any ideas how to make it work again? Thanks.
So, now, I feel like my life is returning to normal again. I get up, make the coffee, play on the computer until it's done and I feel good about getting some time to myself. Now I have to get up about 30 minutes earlier for it to work out well for me. Too bad I have began making less coffee now. Oh well, it's all good.
I am ready for the weekend, well, actually, I am ready to sleep in, that would be ideal... Come on Sunday... I am ready for you!
So, with the new computer comes a few things that I really don't like... It doesn't do the auto correct with typing and it doesn't automatically capitalize I when I forget to, and I don't know how to fix it... any ideas how to make it work again? Thanks.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
My dead computer :(
It has been nearly three weeks since my computer had decided to die on me. I mean, I can get on it for a little while, but, for the most part, it's about had it. I am missing writing like crazy. The only time that I get to do any writing is when it's at the end of the day while I am working for Larry. Which is only really twice a week most of the time, and really, I can't always get time to do that. I have so much to say this week about music and fun things and stupid people it's just not fair to not have my computer up and running.
I have ordered my new computer, I am hoping that it's going to be a good one. As I had been told, in comparision to cars, it was a Judge with a Cadi motor. I can deal with that :) As long as I can use it some of the time, I will be happy. I am even thinking that I should get some sort of a tablet. Really I was thinking it would be more like a Kindle Fire. I like to be able to read and they can go on the internet, and really, I would just want to use it to do my stuff for work.
My mind is drawing a blank right now... must be time to get off the computer and see what is for dinner. I shall find out once Thomas comes to get me... Oh how I wish we had his car working again... Peace <3 :)
I have ordered my new computer, I am hoping that it's going to be a good one. As I had been told, in comparision to cars, it was a Judge with a Cadi motor. I can deal with that :) As long as I can use it some of the time, I will be happy. I am even thinking that I should get some sort of a tablet. Really I was thinking it would be more like a Kindle Fire. I like to be able to read and they can go on the internet, and really, I would just want to use it to do my stuff for work.
My mind is drawing a blank right now... must be time to get off the computer and see what is for dinner. I shall find out once Thomas comes to get me... Oh how I wish we had his car working again... Peace <3 :)
Saturday, August 3, 2013
My computer, then the car
This week has been adventurous for me. I took my computer in to be repaired and was told that the mother board is fried. So I asked, what does that mean? He says, it means you need to get a new computer :( OK, I can handle this, it's no big deal... Go outside at lunch to jump in my car and get some food, and the car won't start... And it won't start, and it won't start. The frustration is starting to kick in at this point.
I called my mom, who so graciously loaned me her truck until mine is fixed, had to listen to me cry because the stress was not doing good for me. I was in a bad mood for the rest of the day, I hate that!
My computer is on again off again, though I am still looking for a new one. Thomas has been going over them for a few days now. My car, is now fixed, thanks to my parents who are good to me. It was the same part that continues to go out on me every year. This time, I looked up the part, it's about $80 for it. If I keep it in my car, I can replace it when it thinks it wants to go out again. Thus eliminating the issue of not having my car for a few months.
This all seemed to happen to me on Tuesday. It was a rough day for me. I was in a rare mood where I put on some darker music and told my client, that, I was sorry, but, for unforeseen reasons, we were going to have to listen to what I needed to hear. He was really good about it though, he too likes Tool, A Perfect Circle, Nine Inch Nails, that kind of stuff. And for the most part, it made me feel very, combative. I was wanting to argue with Thomas when I got home and nothing seemed to make me feel better. I listened to my play list from the time I finished putting it together until I picked my book.
Once I picked up my book though, I turned the music off and was instantly into Siddhartha. There was a passage in there that I have been reading for the past three days. It said that he had spent his whole life studying the lives of others and never gave one thought to studying his own. He had been hiding from himself. And this, to me, was a very interesting thought. If the Buddha had spent his whole life hiding from himself, then for sure, I have been doing the same. But, what, am I hiding from? The truth is always harder to deal with than fantasy land.
I have been thinking about this for the past few days. What am I hiding from, it's a good question that if we all take a look deeper inside, we will find that every one of us are hiding from ourselves. But why? Why are we so afraid of what really lies beneath our own surface? Is it our nature that we seem to not like or are we scared that we might not like the person that we really are? Thomas asked me a question before we ever started dating and to this day, I still think it's such a profound question that really is the ultimate question to our beings. Are you lonely when you're alone? If so, what don't you like about yourself?
For a long time, I hated being by myself. I couldn't stand the thought of dealing with my own thoughts, so I would drown them out with anything, music, sex, drugs, alcohol, whatever I could find. Now, I crave having that time to just me, where I can turn off all things electronic and think. I used to not like me. I couldn't be by myself, I would get restless and uneasy, and now, I love it. I used to really not like myself, in any way. The destructive behavior enabled me to escape from the one that I can't really hide from, myself. I don't hate myself now. I like me, in fact, I love me. I still have days where I get lonely, but, it's not like being lonely. I get lonely for Piper and Kelsie when they gone. I get lonely for my parents when I do see them for a long time. I get lonely for my friends and sisters when it's been a long time since I have seen then, but, I am not a lonely person. It's a whole new ball park with different rules.
I still think that in a way, I hide from myself. I have to take time to really think of what is the truth. What is the truth? Who knows for sure. It's an answer only we can find for ourselves. I can't tell Thomas what his truth is, nor can I tell Kelsie or Piper for that matter. It's something each one of us has to find ourselves...
What are you hiding from yourself? What don't you like about yourself? Why? I think if we answer these, we will find our truths. Peace. <3 :)
I called my mom, who so graciously loaned me her truck until mine is fixed, had to listen to me cry because the stress was not doing good for me. I was in a bad mood for the rest of the day, I hate that!
My computer is on again off again, though I am still looking for a new one. Thomas has been going over them for a few days now. My car, is now fixed, thanks to my parents who are good to me. It was the same part that continues to go out on me every year. This time, I looked up the part, it's about $80 for it. If I keep it in my car, I can replace it when it thinks it wants to go out again. Thus eliminating the issue of not having my car for a few months.
This all seemed to happen to me on Tuesday. It was a rough day for me. I was in a rare mood where I put on some darker music and told my client, that, I was sorry, but, for unforeseen reasons, we were going to have to listen to what I needed to hear. He was really good about it though, he too likes Tool, A Perfect Circle, Nine Inch Nails, that kind of stuff. And for the most part, it made me feel very, combative. I was wanting to argue with Thomas when I got home and nothing seemed to make me feel better. I listened to my play list from the time I finished putting it together until I picked my book.
Once I picked up my book though, I turned the music off and was instantly into Siddhartha. There was a passage in there that I have been reading for the past three days. It said that he had spent his whole life studying the lives of others and never gave one thought to studying his own. He had been hiding from himself. And this, to me, was a very interesting thought. If the Buddha had spent his whole life hiding from himself, then for sure, I have been doing the same. But, what, am I hiding from? The truth is always harder to deal with than fantasy land.
I have been thinking about this for the past few days. What am I hiding from, it's a good question that if we all take a look deeper inside, we will find that every one of us are hiding from ourselves. But why? Why are we so afraid of what really lies beneath our own surface? Is it our nature that we seem to not like or are we scared that we might not like the person that we really are? Thomas asked me a question before we ever started dating and to this day, I still think it's such a profound question that really is the ultimate question to our beings. Are you lonely when you're alone? If so, what don't you like about yourself?
For a long time, I hated being by myself. I couldn't stand the thought of dealing with my own thoughts, so I would drown them out with anything, music, sex, drugs, alcohol, whatever I could find. Now, I crave having that time to just me, where I can turn off all things electronic and think. I used to not like me. I couldn't be by myself, I would get restless and uneasy, and now, I love it. I used to really not like myself, in any way. The destructive behavior enabled me to escape from the one that I can't really hide from, myself. I don't hate myself now. I like me, in fact, I love me. I still have days where I get lonely, but, it's not like being lonely. I get lonely for Piper and Kelsie when they gone. I get lonely for my parents when I do see them for a long time. I get lonely for my friends and sisters when it's been a long time since I have seen then, but, I am not a lonely person. It's a whole new ball park with different rules.
I still think that in a way, I hide from myself. I have to take time to really think of what is the truth. What is the truth? Who knows for sure. It's an answer only we can find for ourselves. I can't tell Thomas what his truth is, nor can I tell Kelsie or Piper for that matter. It's something each one of us has to find ourselves...
What are you hiding from yourself? What don't you like about yourself? Why? I think if we answer these, we will find our truths. Peace. <3 :)
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