Feeling a little lost

When I can't sleep, which is often, I tend to go through what I want to say here.  How do I want to portray my family and my opinion.  I want to keep much of it private, but, there are days that I really want to shout to the world what's going on with me.  I mostly talk about me though.  I don't want to air dirty laundry on the internet because it leaves people thinking that I am welcoming them into my life.  I'm not.  I just need to vent from time to time. 

This past month has been very exciting for me.  I enrolled in school again, taking one of the last two classes that I need for my Associate's Degree in general studies.  I will be taking Introduction to Ethics.  The name of the book is Intro to Moral Philosophy.  I am very excited about this.  I got to go to a painting class this weekend.  It was a lot of fun, and I will be going again soon.  We painted a version of Starry Night, my favorite painting.  My mom's was really cool.

 I was very sad about the death of Robin Williams.  So much so that for two days, I actually cried about it.  I don't look at Hollywood as a group of special people and when someone dies over there, I usually look at it like, well, I'm sorry for the family's loss, death is never easy, but this one, wow, it caught me off guard and I couldn't help but be saddened by this.  Which got me to thinking about mental health in our country and all that goes with it.  There are varying degrees of pain when it comes to the physical as well as the mental body.  I can only imagine what one has to be feeling when it comes to the point of taking your own life.

I saw on Facebook one of my friends had said, I have no sympathy for those who commit suicide.  Wow, I thought, that was a bit harsh.  To me, it's not about the death of the person, it's about the life they led.  How much pain and suffering does one have to be in to get to that point?  I know that it's different for everyone.  I have thought about it at different times in my life, and just didn't do it for different reasons.  When I was young, sometime during my freshman or sophomore year in high school, I remember sitting on the bus going home one day thinking about it.  Life wasn't fun, I felt like I had no friends.  And the friends that I did have didn't really seem to be friends at all (which turned out to be true for most them, but not all).  It was hard to not think about such things, but, I decided that it was a selfish move on my part and to not think of it again.  The next time I thought about it was just after my first deployment.  I had totally fallen in love with Piper's dad and he ended it rather harshly for me.  He wasn't trying to be mean, we just had to stop our relationship at that time.  I went on self destruct mode for about a month or so, and it wasn't pretty.  I even remember thinking I have a bottle of Absolute at the house, all I need is a bottle of Tylenol PM and it's all over... oops, just missed the turn for Walgreens, oh well.  So I just downed the vodka that night instead.  The last time was about a month or so after we separated.  I just didn't want to feel that pain anymore.  It was so bad.  I was so crushed.  But, I looked at Piper and thought that there is no way I was going to let anyone else raise my daughter.  I would be better than that, and I will not give in to this feeling.  She was my salvation and I have told her that she's saved me in more ways than she will ever know.  I know she doesn't get it, but, she knows how lucky I am to have such a beautiful girl. 

When I got out of the Navy, I wanted to party and give in to the depression that I was going through.  It was heartbreaking to me what had happened.  And, it was no one's fault but my own.  So I get it, I understand that feeling of drowning in our own world of self-loathing and discontent.  I know how it feels, and it makes me sad to think that when someone kills themselves, they have lost all hope for anything ever getting better.  Through all of my adventures and life, I never lost hope that things would work out for me.  I just knew I was destined for something greater and so kept holding on, it's coming.  I can understand, to an extent the pain that one goes through to come to that decision, but, my heart goes out to them, that for them, there was no hope left.  There wasn't anything that could help them.. Not the smile of their children, not the love of their spouse, no hope of anything better.  I am deeply saddened by that.  No hope.  I guess I have to hand it to my mother and father for telling me that through it all, there is always hope of something better.  It's just a matter of finding that small light.  That flicker of humanity left in the world for me to cling to. 

I have lots of goals in my life, and one that I keep coming back to, is helping disables veterans.  Doing whatever I can to make their life better, be it reading to them, finding a new TV or being able to pay for whatever they have to have.  I want to think that at some point I will be able to do those things.  I often see myself with a over abundance of money that will allow me to spend ample time and money at the Veterans hospital doing whatever I can to make their lives better.  I find it completely disgraceful that our country treats our vets so poorly.  There is no reason for it, and to think that any vet in our country is homeless or unemployed for any reason is shameful.  They are group very close to my heart and I know that no matter what I end up achieving in this life, I know that I will do whatever I can to help.  When we, Thomas and I, are able to get our roller skating rink going, I know that vets are on the top of the list of people we would like to employ... Closely followed by non-violent felons... mainly  because I know that I have made mistakes in my life that I could have ended up in a bad situation, and everyone deserves a second chance. 

Anyhow, I think that is my rant for the day.  I have tried getting this done for the last month and it's taken me this long to get it done.  Only one post left in the draft file to get done... yay!!! Until I finish it... Peace :)

The new place and all that

So, we have been at our new place for a little over a month now.  It's not that bad.  Not at all.  In fact, it's my parents house, and I'm in my own room with my stuff... not a lot of my stuff, but enough to get by.  I had ordered a new workout program, into the fourth week of it now, which I am finding that I love this one so much.  I love the increased flexibility, and the fact that I don't hurt when I get out of bed in the morning is a huge bonus.  I am losing weight too, so that's a good thing for me too. 

I have been on Facebook a lot more than what I like, and while I would love to just disconnect like I continually threaten to do, I don't see that happening.  I have been called names on there lately, not directly, but, indirectly and I wanted to clear some things up for you all about this. 

For one, I don't watch the news and what I do watch, I mostly wish that I hadn't.  There is a lot of violence, there are stories about death, and all sorts of things going on in the world that I just don't want to see.  I know it's important to know what's going on in the world, but, the news just brings too much bad energy into my home I think. 

As for what's going on in the news... There have been riots and all kinds of horrible things going on in different places in our country and it makes me so sad.  I have been called racist recently and it was because I posted something on Facebook about a young child, less than two, who was shot in the face by a young man who was robbing his mother.  This mother wasn't trying to hurt the young man, she just wanted to get out of the situation alive I imagine.  But, it was never on the news, and it wasn't covered by national television.  There is no high powered civil rights advocate trying to win justice for this child who was killed so brutally and needlessly.  I was told to delete myself because, in this scenario, the child was white, as was his mother and the assailant was black.  There are a lot of reason to hate a person but I don't hate anyone based on the colour of their skin.  In fact, that makes no difference to me.  What makes me upset is the fact that when I pointed this out, I was called all sorts of names.  Now, I admit, I did not check the accuracy of the statement of what I posted... I have a bad habit of it, but, either way, it wasn't trying to promote hate and discontent.  I was trying to show that violence is not concerned with the colour of a persons skin, if someone is hateful, then anyone not like them will be hated.  Doesn't matter what colour, religion, gender, sexual orientation you are, hate is hate.  What I was saying with it was how sad that the media will make a huge deal out of a young man who was violent and was killed into some kind of national emergency.  It shouldn't be that way.  There should be justice for all people in this country, no matter what happens.  Am I angry that Al Sharpton isn't going to be able to fight for justice for this small child, who was killed, yes.  I am angry that cops are shooting any kind of unarmed kids, yes.  Do I think that there is stereo typing in our country, absolutely.  But, that doesn't mean that I want it that way.  Just because it is that way, doesn't make it right.  I want everyone who kills to be tried and convicted just like everyone else does, but, I don't think that the media turning it into a national circus is the way to go about it.  I was pretty upset by the whole thing, thinking that I was trying to promote hate and anger when what I tend to put out there is love and peace and being kind to others, so this was something that really hurt.  Do I think it's upsetting to know that someone I love and think of highly thinks this way, of course.  But I will let it go, and know that it's her loss, not mine.  I am sad to think of it that way though. 

I had also thought that I was being called a person who was flippant with words, and luckily, it turns out that not everyone someone else says is about me.  Thank goodness for that one.  I was pretty self centered in that one.  Guess it was just me reading too much into what I had said, and what their reply was.  I'm not that all powerful, and I'm glad about that. 

Today, I am trying to not be sick.  I hate being sick and I hate feeling like I am trying to fight it.  I can feel the fever trying to take over and I know that I need to get home and into bed.  I cannot miss class tomorrow.  Not in an accelerated class I can't.  I would just lose too much time.  Time that I would need to do other things.  I am going home early today, to work out, and go to bed.  I had two cancelled appointments today, so it's all good.  Just hope that I will see them later this week.  I am looking forward to my workout though.  It's called Sweat.  Guess what I will be doing?  Anyhow, I think I have run out of things to say for now, so until I can finish the other entry I am working on, I will write more later... Peace, Love, Happiness...