Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Work
Ever been talking to someone about work and all of the sudden, you really don't know what you want to do. I love what I do, really, I just want a nice long vacation to really enjoy life, sleep in, visit with my girls and relax. Is that too much to ask for? I am wondering when will I work only one job? When will sleep not elude me night after night? When will I get to sleep in again? I need to get away from here for a while, feel alive, with the wind in my face... Like the song Roll Me Away by Bob Segar... I want that... feeling free! I am free, but, I long for financial freedom!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
School... 11th grade
When school started for me, my junior year in high school, I was gainfully employed, and I was close to getting my keys back, though, that didn't happen until about my birthday, which was about two months after school started. The only way that I actually remember this is because when school started, I had to ride the bus to work after school and then wait for my parents to come get me when I closed. Otherwise, if it was a weekend and in the day time, I got to walk to work. Awesome!
This was the first time in many years that I wouldn't be doing band. It was so strange to me. I hadn't not done band for so long that it seemed like a foreign thing. I still ate with some friends in the band room, but mostly not. I was taking wood shop again, this time building a roll top desk, which I still have. I also took German I with Lexi. I don't think I did track this year in school, I was too preoccupied with working to do much of anything else. Besides, with working, I could talk to the guy that I was totally in love with, since my mom's birthday party. Aaron.
The first time that he talked to me, I felt like I was walking on air. In fact, I think that the song that was playing on the radio at work with Walking on Sunshine. I was so into him, that I couldn't even think of anything else. I mean, school, friends, church, they couldn't do anything for me the way that thinking of him all day would do. It was kind of scary and more than just puppy love. I would talk to him and just beam. I tried really hard to hide it in front of him that I really liked him, and that was hard. Everyone that we worked with knew that I liked him though.
So for school, I wasn't in band and that was really strange to me. I didn't have a lot of friends stay the night, though I do remember it being October sometime and me and Shannon were at the football game and it was really cold. I was wearing my dad's army jacket and I was still super cold. We had the ACT's the next day, so I stayed the night at her house, and I was so tired. I barely got sleep, mainly because I have a hard time staying at someone else's house. In fact, still, I have a hard time staying somewhere new, it usually takes about three nights for me to adjust to a different place and to get a good night's sleep. Anyhow, I remember getting the scores back and being so disappointed in myself, knowing that I could have done so much better.. I never took the test again though, guess I knew that I really didn't want to go to a major college like everyone else.
By this time, of course, I had my keys back and Lexi and I drove to school everyday. What was awesome was, we drove a 1972 Chevy long bed. It had no power steering and no power brakes. It had a simple tape player in it and sister and I would blast that all the time. The speakers were pretty worn out on it too, but we loved it. We would get to school in the morning, and sit in the parking lot and rev the engine, knowing that for whatever reason, the one who had the loudest vehicle in the parking lot, was driving the best vehicle. I was up against all these cool guys who were seniors, they didn't like me, and I sure as hell didn't like them. They all drove old trucks and cars, it sometimes looked like the parking lot of the movie Dazed and Confused. They listened to country, and Lexi and I didn't. We were, for sure, the rebels in the parking lot. Hanging in the rearview mirror, there was a pair of fuzzy dice and a little key chain guy from an old Domino's ad campaign. It was Avoid the Noid, and he was this little red, white and blue dressed guy with long ears. He was cute.
I did a lot more speech and debate and that was still fun. I still ate with my band geek friends, though I do remember going out to lunch more than anything else. I think this was the year that Romeo + Juliet came out with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes in it. The theme song played everywhere you would go. Love Fool... great song, still hear it every once in a while and I think of going out to lunch with Jessie and Shannon and Jessica. The four of us seemed to go to lunch on a regular basis together, though I always felt out of place and that they just tolerated me. Like I was some sort of uninvited person that just came along for the ride. It's entirely possible that I was, but, I could be just remembering it that way.
At the store, I worked at Safeway, we started to go through a renovation that year. It had started around Halloween time. I remember being up in the break room, because it was a two story building at that point and I told Matt, another guy that I worked with, that I was going to marry Aaron. That really didn't go over so well. In fact, it didn't go over well at all. He came up to me, I don't remember how long after I had said that, and said, So you're going to marry me huh? and was so mad at me for saying it. I remember feeling like I had just had my heart literally ripped from my chest. I think it was a Sunday when it happened and I cried and cried and cried all night long. It was the first time I really knew what having a heart broken meant, because that's exactly what had happened. I spent a whole week living in a dream. It was like nothing that I had ever felt, and it was done to me on purpose. I was desperate for relief from this pain that I had never known. I couldn't stop the hurt. My thoughts were only self-loathing and anger with myself, how could I have been so stupid and tell anyone what I thought!! What a total moron I was!
Aaron avoided me like the plague. If he had to come to the front for any reason, you could feel the anger when he looked at me. Diane, one of my only friends that I worked with, had called him up for something and I was bagging for her. When he walked away, she looked at me and was like, WOW, I could feel the hate. I wanted to make it right, but, nothing was going to make it right, so, I tried really hard to bury myself in work and go on. I hated closing at night, especially if he was working, I had to go through his department to get to the trash can outside. They had moved our break room to the back room by the produce department, and I would take my break outside if he was there because all I felt was shame and hurt. I couldn't deal with that in front of him, and if I had to sit there while he was there, I would bury my head in my arms and cry. I was feeling pretty low.
Life moved on slowly and things at school seemed more interesting that at work. I would still, form time to time, cry myself to sleep, however, there was a large scandal involving two members of the band, one being a close personal friend of mine, that was unfolding in front of all of us. Both of these people were also involved in Speech and Debate, which was something that I was still doing at the time. I remember the team going to River Valley for one of our tournaments and it was a nice break from school and work and home, though, I really had nothing to complain about with home :) These two would hang all over each other and it was hard to watch because I liked this other guy. Not in a, I want to date you and marry you and have lots of sex and babies, but, more like, I like you and I want to see you happy and she's not going to do it for you, this is only a passing thing, kind of way. My friend Terry was also on this trip and I do remember him playing an acoustic guitar. He was walking around playing Stand by Me, all afternoon. I think I was ready to hit him with that thing by the time that we left there.
By this time, it was spring. I can't say that I remember much from this year, but, it wasn't a bad year. Work was starting to not be so horrible. I can't say that I enjoyed going to work, but, Aaron wasn't shooting daggers out of his eyes at me when I would walk by. After renovations were done, the break room was moved again, and I didn't have to see him as much. I will admit that in my moments of desperation, I called the Psychic Friends Hotline... that was a bad idea. With a $700 phone bill. And I called twice... I did get into trouble for that one, and none of what they told me came true either.
For classes, the best one that I took was German I. Lexi and I took it together and there weren't a lot of us in the class. I do remember Phillip though. He was a very tall funny guy, in sister's grade. He and I talked a lot and he was funny. I did develop a crush on him, but, since he was cool and a football player, it wasn't meant to be... Which is cool, it was nice to talk to guy and not think of sleeping with him. He and I would sit next to each other and for one project we had to design a house. He said that I would be the one with the special secret room for power tools and their specialized attachments... I think he knew me better than I knew myself :) It was a good time. Lexi and I made this huge deal of the sentence, Das ist mein hund, Der Beppo. Which means, that's my dog, Beppo. Mr. Beste said no one had ever made such a joke out of that sentence, since Crystal had taken that class, and she was the one who found it highly entertaining too.
One Sunday, I had come home from church with Lexi, on a Sunday where I didn't work, which was strange to start with. And I knew that my dad was home because the ambulance was parked in the driveway. When I came in though, it wasn't just an average day. My mom was having some serious issues and she needed to be taken to the hospital. So, dad and whomever he was working with took her to the ER and sister and I followed. I remember holding my moms hand while they were doing an ultrasound, finding cysts that needed to be removed. That was a bit scary, but, we took her home and took care of her. That Friday, she went into surgery to have a full hysterectomy done. I showed at the hospital and my dad asked wasn't I supposed to be in school. Yes, but this is family, and family trumps school today. Besides, it was Friday. Surgery went well for her. I came home and that night, it snowed and Lexi and I went to her friends house for a while, taking my moms truck... she didn't need it if she was in the hospital. We got it stuck and had to call Larry to come get us out. No damage to the truck, which was good, but, a little bit to my pride.. Oh well.
The next morning, I got a call from Larry. He was at the hospital, still working for the NCSO at the time, and had left his patrol car running, and locked it. Could I please go get the other set of keys from the house and help him out. I told him it would take a while to warm up the truck but I would be there in a bit. Mom was pretty out of it, but, she insisted that she come home that day. So she did, though, I was at work when that happened.
About this time, I had gone to lunch with a dude from class, AJ, nice kid, a bit off, stoner kind of friend, and I was driving, and before we even got out the parking lot, the transmission for my truck went out. I was so bummed, so, for the next 6 weeks, sister and I drove the Blazer. Now this was my mom's truck. A 1981 K-5 white Blazer. It was a monster of a vehicle and we loved it!! For party tricks, we would be driving and I would take the keys out while driving to freak people out. Or we would push in the wing windows and pop the locks if we needed to break into it because we locked the keys in it. Lexi and I had a great time in that thing!
One day for lunch, I took a friend, also a guy, named Kenny, home with me for lunch. He went to church with sister and I so he knew my mom. Lunch time at school was from 10:45 to 11:25. Before I went back to school, my dad and one of the guys that he worked with Jessie (who happened to be Aaron's older brother) came home to check on my mom. They put on Star Wars for my mom to watch. When Lexi and I got home from school that day, they were all sitting in the same place as when I left, watching Return of the Jedi. It was a Star Wars kind of day. I just laughed at it.
Some other random details about this year in school. I dyed my hair for the first time about the time I turned 17, blonde. It didn't look really good, and coupled with a bad hair cut, I was not cool looking. For my birthday that year, we had school pictures and I wore this really awesome Mickey Mouse sweater. It was green and I loved it. My dad took me out for my birthday dinner, since mom was out of town. So we, including Alexia, of course, went to El Rancho, and I they sang and gave me free fried ice cream for dessert. It was pretty cool.
When graduation came around, I don't remember if I went or not. Most of the cool kids went to the Salt River for the day, and I remember thinking that if I ditched I would be suspended for the first days of school next year, and that wasn't a good idea. So I stayed. I might have gone, I don't remember.
The summer was then upon me and I just took it as it came. Aaron was not really speaking to me, but, he wasn't angry anymore and he had to talk to me for work, they had made him the one to train all the carry-outs. I had taken the truck, which for all intensive purposes was really my dad's truck, but sister and I had taken over it, up to the fire station, where I would learn to rebuild the engine due to some small oil leak. That was the high light for me, for sure. I loved working on that truck! I could sit in the engine compartment and take it all apart and not worry about anything, it was so great. This was also the time that I started to call my dad Kelly. There was a good reason for this too. While at the station, where he worked, I would need to ask him a question and I would yell Dad. And someone else would turn around. I would yell and second time, Dad. Still nothing. A third time, Dad, and he was still not hearing me. Finally, after the other three men that were there turning around when I said Dad, I yelled, Kelly! Sure enough, he turned around and would come help me. I don't think he likes it if I call him Kelly even now, but I still do. I learned a lot that summer about fixing the truck. I spent a lot of my own money on working on it. For a surprise, my dad bought me 24" glass packs for the mufflers. It was so cool. He said that he refused to get the 12" ones because he thought it needed to have some sort of muffler.
I went to church when I could, and that was ok. I went to Cashier School for work right after school got out too. Five nights of all nighters learning how to be a cashier. It was kind of brutal, but I passed! And then, I was given cashier hours, which meant that I would be making more money. And that was good! I started to realize that this was to be my last year in school. I still had never been asked out on a date, and I hadn't really experienced much in the way of relationships, but, that was to be something coming up in the next year. And what a year it was.... :)
This was the first time in many years that I wouldn't be doing band. It was so strange to me. I hadn't not done band for so long that it seemed like a foreign thing. I still ate with some friends in the band room, but mostly not. I was taking wood shop again, this time building a roll top desk, which I still have. I also took German I with Lexi. I don't think I did track this year in school, I was too preoccupied with working to do much of anything else. Besides, with working, I could talk to the guy that I was totally in love with, since my mom's birthday party. Aaron.
The first time that he talked to me, I felt like I was walking on air. In fact, I think that the song that was playing on the radio at work with Walking on Sunshine. I was so into him, that I couldn't even think of anything else. I mean, school, friends, church, they couldn't do anything for me the way that thinking of him all day would do. It was kind of scary and more than just puppy love. I would talk to him and just beam. I tried really hard to hide it in front of him that I really liked him, and that was hard. Everyone that we worked with knew that I liked him though.
So for school, I wasn't in band and that was really strange to me. I didn't have a lot of friends stay the night, though I do remember it being October sometime and me and Shannon were at the football game and it was really cold. I was wearing my dad's army jacket and I was still super cold. We had the ACT's the next day, so I stayed the night at her house, and I was so tired. I barely got sleep, mainly because I have a hard time staying at someone else's house. In fact, still, I have a hard time staying somewhere new, it usually takes about three nights for me to adjust to a different place and to get a good night's sleep. Anyhow, I remember getting the scores back and being so disappointed in myself, knowing that I could have done so much better.. I never took the test again though, guess I knew that I really didn't want to go to a major college like everyone else.
By this time, of course, I had my keys back and Lexi and I drove to school everyday. What was awesome was, we drove a 1972 Chevy long bed. It had no power steering and no power brakes. It had a simple tape player in it and sister and I would blast that all the time. The speakers were pretty worn out on it too, but we loved it. We would get to school in the morning, and sit in the parking lot and rev the engine, knowing that for whatever reason, the one who had the loudest vehicle in the parking lot, was driving the best vehicle. I was up against all these cool guys who were seniors, they didn't like me, and I sure as hell didn't like them. They all drove old trucks and cars, it sometimes looked like the parking lot of the movie Dazed and Confused. They listened to country, and Lexi and I didn't. We were, for sure, the rebels in the parking lot. Hanging in the rearview mirror, there was a pair of fuzzy dice and a little key chain guy from an old Domino's ad campaign. It was Avoid the Noid, and he was this little red, white and blue dressed guy with long ears. He was cute.
I did a lot more speech and debate and that was still fun. I still ate with my band geek friends, though I do remember going out to lunch more than anything else. I think this was the year that Romeo + Juliet came out with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes in it. The theme song played everywhere you would go. Love Fool... great song, still hear it every once in a while and I think of going out to lunch with Jessie and Shannon and Jessica. The four of us seemed to go to lunch on a regular basis together, though I always felt out of place and that they just tolerated me. Like I was some sort of uninvited person that just came along for the ride. It's entirely possible that I was, but, I could be just remembering it that way.
At the store, I worked at Safeway, we started to go through a renovation that year. It had started around Halloween time. I remember being up in the break room, because it was a two story building at that point and I told Matt, another guy that I worked with, that I was going to marry Aaron. That really didn't go over so well. In fact, it didn't go over well at all. He came up to me, I don't remember how long after I had said that, and said, So you're going to marry me huh? and was so mad at me for saying it. I remember feeling like I had just had my heart literally ripped from my chest. I think it was a Sunday when it happened and I cried and cried and cried all night long. It was the first time I really knew what having a heart broken meant, because that's exactly what had happened. I spent a whole week living in a dream. It was like nothing that I had ever felt, and it was done to me on purpose. I was desperate for relief from this pain that I had never known. I couldn't stop the hurt. My thoughts were only self-loathing and anger with myself, how could I have been so stupid and tell anyone what I thought!! What a total moron I was!
Aaron avoided me like the plague. If he had to come to the front for any reason, you could feel the anger when he looked at me. Diane, one of my only friends that I worked with, had called him up for something and I was bagging for her. When he walked away, she looked at me and was like, WOW, I could feel the hate. I wanted to make it right, but, nothing was going to make it right, so, I tried really hard to bury myself in work and go on. I hated closing at night, especially if he was working, I had to go through his department to get to the trash can outside. They had moved our break room to the back room by the produce department, and I would take my break outside if he was there because all I felt was shame and hurt. I couldn't deal with that in front of him, and if I had to sit there while he was there, I would bury my head in my arms and cry. I was feeling pretty low.
Life moved on slowly and things at school seemed more interesting that at work. I would still, form time to time, cry myself to sleep, however, there was a large scandal involving two members of the band, one being a close personal friend of mine, that was unfolding in front of all of us. Both of these people were also involved in Speech and Debate, which was something that I was still doing at the time. I remember the team going to River Valley for one of our tournaments and it was a nice break from school and work and home, though, I really had nothing to complain about with home :) These two would hang all over each other and it was hard to watch because I liked this other guy. Not in a, I want to date you and marry you and have lots of sex and babies, but, more like, I like you and I want to see you happy and she's not going to do it for you, this is only a passing thing, kind of way. My friend Terry was also on this trip and I do remember him playing an acoustic guitar. He was walking around playing Stand by Me, all afternoon. I think I was ready to hit him with that thing by the time that we left there.
By this time, it was spring. I can't say that I remember much from this year, but, it wasn't a bad year. Work was starting to not be so horrible. I can't say that I enjoyed going to work, but, Aaron wasn't shooting daggers out of his eyes at me when I would walk by. After renovations were done, the break room was moved again, and I didn't have to see him as much. I will admit that in my moments of desperation, I called the Psychic Friends Hotline... that was a bad idea. With a $700 phone bill. And I called twice... I did get into trouble for that one, and none of what they told me came true either.
For classes, the best one that I took was German I. Lexi and I took it together and there weren't a lot of us in the class. I do remember Phillip though. He was a very tall funny guy, in sister's grade. He and I talked a lot and he was funny. I did develop a crush on him, but, since he was cool and a football player, it wasn't meant to be... Which is cool, it was nice to talk to guy and not think of sleeping with him. He and I would sit next to each other and for one project we had to design a house. He said that I would be the one with the special secret room for power tools and their specialized attachments... I think he knew me better than I knew myself :) It was a good time. Lexi and I made this huge deal of the sentence, Das ist mein hund, Der Beppo. Which means, that's my dog, Beppo. Mr. Beste said no one had ever made such a joke out of that sentence, since Crystal had taken that class, and she was the one who found it highly entertaining too.
One Sunday, I had come home from church with Lexi, on a Sunday where I didn't work, which was strange to start with. And I knew that my dad was home because the ambulance was parked in the driveway. When I came in though, it wasn't just an average day. My mom was having some serious issues and she needed to be taken to the hospital. So, dad and whomever he was working with took her to the ER and sister and I followed. I remember holding my moms hand while they were doing an ultrasound, finding cysts that needed to be removed. That was a bit scary, but, we took her home and took care of her. That Friday, she went into surgery to have a full hysterectomy done. I showed at the hospital and my dad asked wasn't I supposed to be in school. Yes, but this is family, and family trumps school today. Besides, it was Friday. Surgery went well for her. I came home and that night, it snowed and Lexi and I went to her friends house for a while, taking my moms truck... she didn't need it if she was in the hospital. We got it stuck and had to call Larry to come get us out. No damage to the truck, which was good, but, a little bit to my pride.. Oh well.
The next morning, I got a call from Larry. He was at the hospital, still working for the NCSO at the time, and had left his patrol car running, and locked it. Could I please go get the other set of keys from the house and help him out. I told him it would take a while to warm up the truck but I would be there in a bit. Mom was pretty out of it, but, she insisted that she come home that day. So she did, though, I was at work when that happened.
About this time, I had gone to lunch with a dude from class, AJ, nice kid, a bit off, stoner kind of friend, and I was driving, and before we even got out the parking lot, the transmission for my truck went out. I was so bummed, so, for the next 6 weeks, sister and I drove the Blazer. Now this was my mom's truck. A 1981 K-5 white Blazer. It was a monster of a vehicle and we loved it!! For party tricks, we would be driving and I would take the keys out while driving to freak people out. Or we would push in the wing windows and pop the locks if we needed to break into it because we locked the keys in it. Lexi and I had a great time in that thing!
One day for lunch, I took a friend, also a guy, named Kenny, home with me for lunch. He went to church with sister and I so he knew my mom. Lunch time at school was from 10:45 to 11:25. Before I went back to school, my dad and one of the guys that he worked with Jessie (who happened to be Aaron's older brother) came home to check on my mom. They put on Star Wars for my mom to watch. When Lexi and I got home from school that day, they were all sitting in the same place as when I left, watching Return of the Jedi. It was a Star Wars kind of day. I just laughed at it.
Some other random details about this year in school. I dyed my hair for the first time about the time I turned 17, blonde. It didn't look really good, and coupled with a bad hair cut, I was not cool looking. For my birthday that year, we had school pictures and I wore this really awesome Mickey Mouse sweater. It was green and I loved it. My dad took me out for my birthday dinner, since mom was out of town. So we, including Alexia, of course, went to El Rancho, and I they sang and gave me free fried ice cream for dessert. It was pretty cool.
When graduation came around, I don't remember if I went or not. Most of the cool kids went to the Salt River for the day, and I remember thinking that if I ditched I would be suspended for the first days of school next year, and that wasn't a good idea. So I stayed. I might have gone, I don't remember.
The summer was then upon me and I just took it as it came. Aaron was not really speaking to me, but, he wasn't angry anymore and he had to talk to me for work, they had made him the one to train all the carry-outs. I had taken the truck, which for all intensive purposes was really my dad's truck, but sister and I had taken over it, up to the fire station, where I would learn to rebuild the engine due to some small oil leak. That was the high light for me, for sure. I loved working on that truck! I could sit in the engine compartment and take it all apart and not worry about anything, it was so great. This was also the time that I started to call my dad Kelly. There was a good reason for this too. While at the station, where he worked, I would need to ask him a question and I would yell Dad. And someone else would turn around. I would yell and second time, Dad. Still nothing. A third time, Dad, and he was still not hearing me. Finally, after the other three men that were there turning around when I said Dad, I yelled, Kelly! Sure enough, he turned around and would come help me. I don't think he likes it if I call him Kelly even now, but I still do. I learned a lot that summer about fixing the truck. I spent a lot of my own money on working on it. For a surprise, my dad bought me 24" glass packs for the mufflers. It was so cool. He said that he refused to get the 12" ones because he thought it needed to have some sort of muffler.
I went to church when I could, and that was ok. I went to Cashier School for work right after school got out too. Five nights of all nighters learning how to be a cashier. It was kind of brutal, but I passed! And then, I was given cashier hours, which meant that I would be making more money. And that was good! I started to realize that this was to be my last year in school. I still had never been asked out on a date, and I hadn't really experienced much in the way of relationships, but, that was to be something coming up in the next year. And what a year it was.... :)
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Marriage today
No, I'm not getting married, so stop thinking that. However, I have been trying really hard to not pay attention to the media and all that's in it in regards to the (scary for some) subject of same sex marriage.
Now, to me, I can't understand why there are so many people against it. I mean I hear the rhetoric of how it's against God's law and that it's so terrible, yet, as I was taking a shower yesterday morning, it occurred to me, a verse from the Bible. It goes something like, 7 Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love. 9 God's love was revealed among us in this way: God sent his only Son into the world so that we might live through him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Beloved, since God loved us so much, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us. 1 John 4: 7-12
'beloved, let us love one another.' Let's take this one small bit of a sentence and dissect it like good 'Bible following people' that we are. I don't see that in this sentence it says, let us love one another, except for gay people. I don't see anywhere in the Bible that it says anything like that, so I really have a serious issue with those who think that they are above loving one another and being openly "Good Christians" and still practice hate and bigotry.
Let us love one another. I don't see that happening in my lifetime. I can hope for it, but, to be realistic here, it's not going to happen. Too many people only see the outer differences of the ones that they hate. Skin color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, creed.. all things that make us different, yet, if you cut me open, my blood is still just as red as anyone else's. My organs are the same as my boyfriends, save the reproduction and hormones parts, but overall, we have a liver, and kidneys. We both have a brain and hands and arms. I think it's sad to know that hate is not something that we are born with, it's what we are taught. I have a seen a theory and it says that if we were to teach our children to meditate everyday, we could eliminate war and hate within one generation. ONE generation!! Can you imagine that? If all the kids from Generation X taught their kids to quiet their minds, breathe deeply and focus, we could end all the hate and anger and the things that tear us apart as society. Wow, that's pretty powerful. I work on teaching Piper everyday, the value of breathing deeply.
Love... what is love? Are we even capable of love, I mean, really true, unconditional love? As humans, I say yes, we are capable. Humans are the ones who have come up with the idea of love, so, are we able to really understand what it means to love. Humans are the ones who have deiced that killing is wrong, yet, other species will kill their young, including dogs and cats, but we love our pets. Tangent there, I know... not too long though, so I am getting better with them. I would have to say that when I really learned what it was to love, was after Piper was born. I think for me, love is feeling more emotions for another person and putting their best interests before mine. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I want to take the best care of my family that I can. I want to make sure that both the girls are happy and smile and feel like they are loved. I want to see their smiles when they sleep because they know that they are safe and happy and loved.
There have been studies done on different continents about how if you were take a group of babies, feed them, clothe them, bath them, change them and put them down they will not survive because they are lacking human touch, that all important contact with another who care for them. In the same study done, other babies had the exact same needs met, but they were held, and talked to and they're mortality rate was much less than that of the first group. Why is this so? Is it love? Can we survive without it, or is it something much deeper than what our physical needs are that must be met in order to survive. As babies and elderly people, I think the more hugs, the better. For the group in the middle, I still say that hugs are the most important thing, but, when life happens, as it does to all of us, we tend to look at it as something that we don't need. We can survive with out it. And there are those who do survive for a very long time without any physical contact with others, but, look at the way that they are. Most are hard and very abrasive in nature. And when they are faced with the prospect of a relationship that involves hugs, they are unsure how to react to it, as if it's taboo to touch another human being. How very sad... At least, in my opinion it is.
So what does this have to do with marriage today? Not like, today, Tuesday, but today in our society, the 21st century kind of today. I think that every single person in this world, wants and desires to feel that kind of love where you wake up smiling thinking about someone. They want to know what it feels like to live with little sleep, have daydreams of that wonderful person that they have fallen head over heels for. They crave the touch of that other person in ways that is hard to explain. They simply want to be happy with another person.
Why does it make such a huge difference to religious organizations whether or not that person is male or female? Doesn't your bible teach of tolerance and love for one another? Doesn't it say that we should treat others the way that you want to be treated? I have yet to see in there, anywhere, a passage that says, "Love one another, except for fags" or where it says, "Treat others the way you wish to be treated, except for fags, because they are not like you". I checked with the Goddess, she doesn't say that in any way. It's more a message of love and joy and spreading it through all of mankind.
Why is it, in America today, if you love someone who is the same gender as you, you cannot marry them? Does this some how invalidate your marriage? I have seen more hate and venom spewed at those who only want to love and live their life in a peaceful manner by those who carry that book around than I can to count. It's makes no sense to me. It's OK to poison our food and then turn around and say that it's illegal to smoke pot. You can use your religious views to say whatever you want under the freedom of speech, and yet you use that same religion to tell others what they can and cannot do because of what your book says. How hypocritical can you possibly be?! You go to your churches and use fear and guilt to control your populations. And yet, here it is, in your book that it says, "Let us love one another... God is of love.... We also ought to love one another." Shouldn't that mean that God loves all manner of people? I have to say, and I may offend here, that book that you so lovingly cling to, wasn't written by God, it was written by man. I have long wondered how is it, that the New Testament has Jesus' words printed in red, when the books weren't even written until at least 40 years after he had died? There are many things that I ponder on a regular basis, but, I cannot bring it all up here, it would take too long.
I have said it once and I will say it again, there shouldn't be a line between same sex marriage or heterosexual marriage. It's all marriage to me. It's about committing ones self to another for the rest of their lives. To take vows in front of family and friends to say that they will always honor that commitment and then making it work for them. There shouldn't be a line to differentiate between gay or straight marriage, it's just marriage. It's a promise, and more often than not, the marriage takes place long before the vows do, or at least I think it should. It's that moment when you look at each other, know that the commitment is real and tell each other that you want to make it work. That, you will be there for each other, and that you are serious about your decision. And it's YOUR decision, not the government's, not the churches, not your parents', not anyone else's, it's yours. Marriage is more than a ceremony, and it's more than a piece of paper, it's a decision, and no one can do that, except for you.
There are those who will disagree with me on this one, for a number of reasons, and that's OK, I don't expect everyone to share my views on this. That's OK with me, I understand, because I don't always agree with what is put out there. I see so much of the news that I am pretty sure is just part of the opinions column in the newspaper, how wonderful that we all take it for, pardon the expression, gospel. I just want people to open their eyes and see what is really going on. The more you learn about other people, the more you are to better understand what is going on our world. I didn't always think the way that I do now, (though on this subject, yes I did) but I have changed in a lot of ways, for the better, I hope. Anyhow, it's late, and I'm pretty tired right now, guess I'll go to bed now....... Remember, mind open, heart enlarged, soul receptive... I love you <3 Peace :)
Now, to me, I can't understand why there are so many people against it. I mean I hear the rhetoric of how it's against God's law and that it's so terrible, yet, as I was taking a shower yesterday morning, it occurred to me, a verse from the Bible. It goes something like, 7 Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love. 9 God's love was revealed among us in this way: God sent his only Son into the world so that we might live through him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Beloved, since God loved us so much, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us. 1 John 4: 7-12
'beloved, let us love one another.' Let's take this one small bit of a sentence and dissect it like good 'Bible following people' that we are. I don't see that in this sentence it says, let us love one another, except for gay people. I don't see anywhere in the Bible that it says anything like that, so I really have a serious issue with those who think that they are above loving one another and being openly "Good Christians" and still practice hate and bigotry.
Let us love one another. I don't see that happening in my lifetime. I can hope for it, but, to be realistic here, it's not going to happen. Too many people only see the outer differences of the ones that they hate. Skin color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, creed.. all things that make us different, yet, if you cut me open, my blood is still just as red as anyone else's. My organs are the same as my boyfriends, save the reproduction and hormones parts, but overall, we have a liver, and kidneys. We both have a brain and hands and arms. I think it's sad to know that hate is not something that we are born with, it's what we are taught. I have a seen a theory and it says that if we were to teach our children to meditate everyday, we could eliminate war and hate within one generation. ONE generation!! Can you imagine that? If all the kids from Generation X taught their kids to quiet their minds, breathe deeply and focus, we could end all the hate and anger and the things that tear us apart as society. Wow, that's pretty powerful. I work on teaching Piper everyday, the value of breathing deeply.
Love... what is love? Are we even capable of love, I mean, really true, unconditional love? As humans, I say yes, we are capable. Humans are the ones who have come up with the idea of love, so, are we able to really understand what it means to love. Humans are the ones who have deiced that killing is wrong, yet, other species will kill their young, including dogs and cats, but we love our pets. Tangent there, I know... not too long though, so I am getting better with them. I would have to say that when I really learned what it was to love, was after Piper was born. I think for me, love is feeling more emotions for another person and putting their best interests before mine. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I want to take the best care of my family that I can. I want to make sure that both the girls are happy and smile and feel like they are loved. I want to see their smiles when they sleep because they know that they are safe and happy and loved.
There have been studies done on different continents about how if you were take a group of babies, feed them, clothe them, bath them, change them and put them down they will not survive because they are lacking human touch, that all important contact with another who care for them. In the same study done, other babies had the exact same needs met, but they were held, and talked to and they're mortality rate was much less than that of the first group. Why is this so? Is it love? Can we survive without it, or is it something much deeper than what our physical needs are that must be met in order to survive. As babies and elderly people, I think the more hugs, the better. For the group in the middle, I still say that hugs are the most important thing, but, when life happens, as it does to all of us, we tend to look at it as something that we don't need. We can survive with out it. And there are those who do survive for a very long time without any physical contact with others, but, look at the way that they are. Most are hard and very abrasive in nature. And when they are faced with the prospect of a relationship that involves hugs, they are unsure how to react to it, as if it's taboo to touch another human being. How very sad... At least, in my opinion it is.
So what does this have to do with marriage today? Not like, today, Tuesday, but today in our society, the 21st century kind of today. I think that every single person in this world, wants and desires to feel that kind of love where you wake up smiling thinking about someone. They want to know what it feels like to live with little sleep, have daydreams of that wonderful person that they have fallen head over heels for. They crave the touch of that other person in ways that is hard to explain. They simply want to be happy with another person.
Why does it make such a huge difference to religious organizations whether or not that person is male or female? Doesn't your bible teach of tolerance and love for one another? Doesn't it say that we should treat others the way that you want to be treated? I have yet to see in there, anywhere, a passage that says, "Love one another, except for fags" or where it says, "Treat others the way you wish to be treated, except for fags, because they are not like you". I checked with the Goddess, she doesn't say that in any way. It's more a message of love and joy and spreading it through all of mankind.
Why is it, in America today, if you love someone who is the same gender as you, you cannot marry them? Does this some how invalidate your marriage? I have seen more hate and venom spewed at those who only want to love and live their life in a peaceful manner by those who carry that book around than I can to count. It's makes no sense to me. It's OK to poison our food and then turn around and say that it's illegal to smoke pot. You can use your religious views to say whatever you want under the freedom of speech, and yet you use that same religion to tell others what they can and cannot do because of what your book says. How hypocritical can you possibly be?! You go to your churches and use fear and guilt to control your populations. And yet, here it is, in your book that it says, "Let us love one another... God is of love.... We also ought to love one another." Shouldn't that mean that God loves all manner of people? I have to say, and I may offend here, that book that you so lovingly cling to, wasn't written by God, it was written by man. I have long wondered how is it, that the New Testament has Jesus' words printed in red, when the books weren't even written until at least 40 years after he had died? There are many things that I ponder on a regular basis, but, I cannot bring it all up here, it would take too long.
I have said it once and I will say it again, there shouldn't be a line between same sex marriage or heterosexual marriage. It's all marriage to me. It's about committing ones self to another for the rest of their lives. To take vows in front of family and friends to say that they will always honor that commitment and then making it work for them. There shouldn't be a line to differentiate between gay or straight marriage, it's just marriage. It's a promise, and more often than not, the marriage takes place long before the vows do, or at least I think it should. It's that moment when you look at each other, know that the commitment is real and tell each other that you want to make it work. That, you will be there for each other, and that you are serious about your decision. And it's YOUR decision, not the government's, not the churches, not your parents', not anyone else's, it's yours. Marriage is more than a ceremony, and it's more than a piece of paper, it's a decision, and no one can do that, except for you.
There are those who will disagree with me on this one, for a number of reasons, and that's OK, I don't expect everyone to share my views on this. That's OK with me, I understand, because I don't always agree with what is put out there. I see so much of the news that I am pretty sure is just part of the opinions column in the newspaper, how wonderful that we all take it for, pardon the expression, gospel. I just want people to open their eyes and see what is really going on. The more you learn about other people, the more you are to better understand what is going on our world. I didn't always think the way that I do now, (though on this subject, yes I did) but I have changed in a lot of ways, for the better, I hope. Anyhow, it's late, and I'm pretty tired right now, guess I'll go to bed now....... Remember, mind open, heart enlarged, soul receptive... I love you <3 Peace :)
Sunday, July 7, 2013
The 4th of July
This morning, Piper comes into my room to snuggle with me. She looks at me and says 'Happy 4th of July Mommy.' I love this kid!!
I had to work on Thursday, I was not too happy about that. In fact, it took me an extra 40 minutes to get to work, which really made me a bit upset. I mean like, really upset over it. And I am sure I was growling the whole way to work. I had intended to get out of the house earlier, but, with little goose home again, I wanted to make sure she had breakfast and lots of hugs :)
This week for her, is Grandma camp. It's where my niece and nephew and Piper all get to spend the week with my mom and dad, and do all sorts of projects and fun things. This past week though, my dad was called out to another fire and so he's not there. And then, my mom has to go to work on Thursday... so, since I am already not working so I can help do set up for Medieval Mayhem this weekend, I told her that Thomas and I will take the kids for the day, and yes, we are still going to help do set up. So I keep thinking what kind of fun things can I do with the kids. For sure we are going to go hiking and learn to breathe deeply, but, for projects, I am not too sure. Maybe I will take them down to the creek where Lexi and I used to go play. Who knows for sure.
I am having a much better day than I was on Thursday. In fact, by Friday afternoon, I was feeling so much better. I think that has a lot to do with my love, Thomas :) I am feeling much more positive and happy. I like it a lot better that way too.
Anyhow, it's nearly time for breakfast, then onto getting some clothes to Piper for the week. Then, laundry, hooray!
I had to work on Thursday, I was not too happy about that. In fact, it took me an extra 40 minutes to get to work, which really made me a bit upset. I mean like, really upset over it. And I am sure I was growling the whole way to work. I had intended to get out of the house earlier, but, with little goose home again, I wanted to make sure she had breakfast and lots of hugs :)
This week for her, is Grandma camp. It's where my niece and nephew and Piper all get to spend the week with my mom and dad, and do all sorts of projects and fun things. This past week though, my dad was called out to another fire and so he's not there. And then, my mom has to go to work on Thursday... so, since I am already not working so I can help do set up for Medieval Mayhem this weekend, I told her that Thomas and I will take the kids for the day, and yes, we are still going to help do set up. So I keep thinking what kind of fun things can I do with the kids. For sure we are going to go hiking and learn to breathe deeply, but, for projects, I am not too sure. Maybe I will take them down to the creek where Lexi and I used to go play. Who knows for sure.
I am having a much better day than I was on Thursday. In fact, by Friday afternoon, I was feeling so much better. I think that has a lot to do with my love, Thomas :) I am feeling much more positive and happy. I like it a lot better that way too.
Anyhow, it's nearly time for breakfast, then onto getting some clothes to Piper for the week. Then, laundry, hooray!
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