On this Veteran's Day...

There was much on my mind this morning as I set out on my run.  Today in America, we celebrate our Veterans.  It's a national holiday and it's one that I will always take it off if I work at a place that is open for business on this day.

When I took off for my run, I will had taken a break just prior to my run, and was starting to feel the effects of myself relaxing into a rhythm.  I was breathing easily and listening to my music.  I began to think about this day.  What it is, what does it mean to me, how has the military changed me, and the likes of that.  I thought about my service for the majority of my 5 plus miles today.  Mostly, I think about what it means to me to be a veteran in this country today.  My pace was very good and I was feeling like I was on cloud nine through out the run today.  When I think back to why I joined the Navy, I am glad that I had to go through all of the stupid petty things to get there.  In fact, Alexia had a lot more to do with it then I think she realizes it.  I missed my sister more than I knew was possible.  She was my best friend and I hated being away from her.. I still do in fact.  I knew enough about boot camp from her letters that I would just have to embrace the suck of what boot camp was.  And I did.  And I got through it mostly pretty good.  I felt good, I had lost weight, I thought I looked good for the first time that I could remember.  I thought about my first Veteran's Day as an active duty Sailor.  I was just leaving Great Lakes after boot camp and then three months in A school.  I was heading home for Thanksgiving before going to my first duty station, U.S.S John F. Kennedy (CV-67).

That's when I really started to think about what it means to be brave and have courage.  Everyone I know who has ever served has had what I like to call that Oh Shit, What The Fuck Have I Signed Up For? moment.  I remember mine very clearly.  It's not the boot camp wasn't scary, I knew it was going to be hard, but this, this was much more frightening for me.  For one, durning the time I was in A School, our country had declared war, for two, I'm about to leave on deployment in a month.

For the last three months I had been in A School with Alexia and I was having a blast.  If I had known what fun it was going to be, I would have joined a lot sooner.  I was so skinny, and I had the time of my life being young and not caring and not knowing what the next day was going to bring, especially in a time of war.  We lived at the edge of our seats, wondering if the people we met in school were going to be part of a crew of a ship that might not make it back.

When I got to Jacksonville that night, it was a Thursday night, I got off my plane to find that they lost my luggage.  It was a sea bag, it had everything in it.  All of my clothes, toothbrush, contacts, everything.  Fuck.  I take a taxi to the base and as I'm talking to this man, he was very kind and told me not to be too scared, it was going to be ok.  We finally get to base, which, for whatever reason that I don't understand, was on the ocean (and I know it sounds stupid, but when you've lived inland your whole life, nothing prepares you for that vast deep blue that goes on forever.  I somehow forgot that I was going to be literally on the ocean.).  We come up to the ships in the harbor and begin to drive around to where my ship was suppose to be docked... As it turns out, it was not there.  But there were about 8 or 9 ship in port that night.  They had Christmas lights on the lines, it was so pretty and yet these things were massive.  I had never guessed how big they could have been due to the fact that I had never seen a ship up close before.  I knew they were going to be big but oh holy shit.

At this point I am about 2 miles into my run and I am loving the skyline.  I noticed that the sunrise is in these hues of red and orange and yellow.  I am listening to my music and Stonger is playing and I realize that it's true.  What didn't kill me, made me so much stronger than I thought I could be.  I survived things that I didn't think I would ever go through, and I made it.... I stop to take a photo and keep going onward.... on the road and in my mind...

I could go into what happened that weekend, but, suffice to say, I survived, not totally unscathed though. I put my uniform on that Monday morning, I had been able to retrieve my luggage on Sunday afternoon, and the duty driver and I took off for Mayport Naval Station.  I get back to the base in the day light and I am now even more overwhelmed by what is in front of me.  I am clutching my orders in their brown envelope to my chest, trying to breathe and just look as relaxed as possible.  I don't think I was very convincing at that.  We come around this corner and there is this air craft carrier in front of us, looming and it's the scariest thing I have ever seen.  I don't think I have ever been more afraid in the whole of my life, even still.  Once the van stopped, I knew this was it.  I had to get out of it and board the ship.

I come to my trail on my run, and walk across the street with the dog.  She's pretty excited about running this morning, as am I.  I thought for a moment about what my life as a Veteran does now.  On a Federal holiday, I am up before sunrise to run 5 miles.  I get to watch the sunrise today, thinking about how my love is watching the sun come up at work right now.  The skyline looks different, but, he's with my even now... I take comfort in that thought.  I notice that my meds are starting to wear off and I would have liked to take some with me so I can enjoy the run as much as I have been, but, I keep going, one foot in front of the other....

To try to explain the fear I had in that moment is a moot point.  If you have never done something like that, you won't understand what it means.  But through all of that fear and trepidation, I managed to put one foot in front of the other and I made it to the ship's brow.  I know I was shaking and my voice cracked when I asked permission to board and then handed them my orders.  I can't remember much else about that first day, but I know I was sick that first few days, and I was scared to death for the first week.

Time goes by and you fall into a routine, and that routine becomes your life.  You start to loosen up a bit and start to talk to the people that you live with, because make no mistake about it, you live on that ship.  You eat, sleep, work, everything and that's a new feeling all to itself.  If you had no vehicle, you walked everywhere on base or you got a cab and went out in town.  When my LPO had duty, he would loan me his car so I could get off the base and go do stuff that I needed to do.  I learned to go have dinner by myself, and go to the mall and shopping by myself and I started to gain a sense of self confidence that I had never really known before.

I could go on about what happened in the years that followed but, that's not what I wanted to talk about today.  It's that moment of being so scared and you keep going.  Your days may run together and the fear never leaves you, but, it becomes part of the routine.  It keeps you alert and on your toes.  Despite all of it, you find uncommon friendship, and a sense of commonality that binds you to each other.  I can tell you that as part of the elite that is known as Naval Engineering, we are bound to our shipmates, good, bad or otherwise.

Not everyone I served with is here today.  The first one I remember hearing about was MM3 Fowler.  He died in a motorcycle accident.  And then Dax from H2S poisoning.  And then slowly the years creep by, and we lose more, like Greewald to ALS, whom I didn't particularly care for, but whose death had a huge impact on me.  Ryder who when he passed I wept for him, and couldn't figure out why.. He was always in our shop talking to Jarod, he was always so kind.  A beautiful soul.  I can't tell you how many other vets I hear talk about the ones they have lost too, and it breaks my heart in so many ways.  Yet, I can't say how many times since leaving the Navy I too have gone toe to toe with my demons and managed to fight them off, not all have that same luck I do.

For those I served with, you are the reason I have social media, even the ones I don't talk to.  For the women in particular, you have impacted my life in so many ways, each and every one of you.  I can't say that I am good or even mediocre friend, but, I watch you and smile for your victories and cry when you lose something dear.  I love that you all have so much love of country, and aren't afraid to show it.  I can say many things that I am or that I have done, but none compare with the pride of being able to say, I am proud to be a Naval Engineer, I am damn proud to be a Navy Veteran.

And with that I made it home from my run this morning, 5 miles under the belt for this holiday.  Have a great day all.. And I passed 1200 km for the year, I'm pretty jazzed about that.
Happy Running All~

The state of the State

Well now, it's been a few months since the 45th took office and I'm still not impressed with his actions nor his choice for cabinet members.  Thus far it has seemed like everything that President Obama put into effect, he's signing orders reversing these directives.  I'm so lost and I am so hopeful that we don't end in all sorts of nuclear Holocaust.

However, my dislike for 45 is not why I am writing tonight.  I have some thoughts of some of the news issues that have been going on.  My main thing has been the whole scandal with United Airlines.  I am not a member of the airlines community, I am not an expert of policy and procedure of United Airlines either, so I can only have my opinion on this whole thing.

So, this is my take on it.  To start with, according to what I have read from members of the airline community, flights are not overbooked to start with.  To say that they are overbooked seems to me that they have yet to master how to count seats and people, and even my lovely 10 year old can do that, so, it's wasn't that the flight was overbooked.  A flight had been cancelled and instead of being able to ask for volunteers while they were still sitting in the terminal, the cancelation was, by definition, emergency.  Thus, the passengers were already on the flight and taking their seats.  When asked if 4 people could give up their seat for the crew that needed to get somewhere, no one did.  At this point, knowing that no one volunteered for this, they had to draw names.  I can only assume that after telling the passengers that they would be voluntold to leave the flight, those four would not be happy campers in any way.  Of course they would be reimbursed for the cost.  Three people got up when their numbers or seats had been called.  I know if it had been me and I had been told that I would have to give up my seat, I would be upset, but, I digress.  The forth and final passenger who was to leave, refused to give up their seat.  He was a doctor and needed to be somewhere soon, thus he needed to stay on the flight.  This, as we all know, doesn't end well for him.  Police need to be called to get this gentleman off the flight in order to make room for this crew, the flight is now delayed, no one is going anywhere.  Now the cops have to be called.

In my experience, once the police have been called, there has been enough time that this person has tried to be reasoned with.  I am sure that as soon as the cops arrive in any situation, it's not probably the best thing.  The cops arrive and have to forcibly remove this gentleman from his seat.  He sustains injuries from this episode.  At no time do you hear anyone say that no, take my seat, don't hurt him, he's  a doctor.  Nope.  Not at all.  They all cry and whine and record this on their phones.  The other passengers weren't concerned about this man a few minutes before the cops were called.  No one else said they would give up their seats, so why are these same people crying foul?  It makes no sense to me.

I have also read excerpts of United Airlines Policy about this kind of thing, and yes, they are well within their rights to remove someone from a flight like this.  Does this mean that he needed to get his nose broken?  I don't know.  Police seem to amped up these days and on high alert from the last few years of the violence surrounding them and certain cases.  It can't be an easy job that they have, I tend to try to give both parties the benefit of the doubt until more comes out of it.

I think for me, it becomes a matter of being socially responsible.  We have become a society of selfish beings.  It's only about number one.  We don't like being responsible for our own actions, we think the world revolves around us and when we are unintentionally slighted, we blame others for it instead of thinking it may have something to do with us.   Or maybe just realize that it wasn't on purpose and some times, we have to accept that we don't always get our way.  Makes me so crazy.  And it's not just the millennials who have this going for them.  Lots of people my age and older have gotten so used to interacting with a computer screen, they have forgotten how to treat a person.  We look at a woman wanting to utilize Planned Parenthood as some sort of whores who are the lowest of the low.  What about seeing them as women who are trying to be responsible adults properly using contraception.  We have allowed the church for far too many years preach the only safe sex is abstinence, but, that's not a practical way to deal with raging hormones.  By taking away our interaction with each other has only social media has, we no longer empathize with others.  We only see what horrible people they must be for doing xyz...  It's out of control.

What will happen to this man, I don't know.  I don't actually care at this point either.  I find it to be more heinous of the other passengers to not give up their seats so this man could have stayed on the flight.  What will happen to United Airlines, only time will tell if this is something they end up losing massive customers for.  I know they have lost the man in question as a customer.  For me, I'm a big fan of Southwest Airlines for three little words.  Bags.  Fly.  Free.  Yay!!

I don't know how to fix this problem.  Get people to stop spending so much time with their electronics, yeah, not going to happen.  The less we have to interact with others, the happier so are becoming.  That's why I work in customer service.  That's actually why I like working where I do.  It may not be the best job, but I feel I'm pretty good at it, and I want to get better.  I like the people side to things.  But, more like helping them feel like someone is listening to what they need.  That's all they want, understanding.

So, here's to you and all that we may be able to understand together in this life. Peace Friends.  Be Responsible.  Be Happy.  Smile.  Help Others... They just need a hand.

Questions???

This week is nearly closed.  Tomorrow is Friday and then I shall have the wonderful pleasure of running.  A lot.  Like 20 miles over two days, which to some doesn't seem like a lot, but, it's good for me.  I will be doing a half marathon next weekend.  It's a virtual race, so I can do it anytime, but this is the week that I have chosen to do it.

The week began like most others.  Get up, go to work.  I had interviewed for a different position which would have been a good size raise, but, it would mean a longer commute.  I wanted it, but I wasn't sure if I was up for it.  I was not the one chosen, so, when I came home on Monday night, I was feeling pretty blue.  I cried and suddenly felt the total and complete insignificance that I have to the greater good of the world.  While I wasn't the person chosen, the one who was, is probably super excited and ready for what this job holds and is going to be great.  And in their world, it's everything.  And I started to ponder my own significance to my small world.

To the people with whom I share my personal life, I feel like I am a rockstar.  I have an amazing husband that I am head over heels for.  I have two beautiful girls who are so wonderful to be around.  I have my sisters that I love more than the world, (and that includes my sisters whom I have chosen, you are my sisters) and my parents whom I depend on still for emotional support.  I love the life I have.  I have been influenced by some amazing wonderful people whom I still call family, though miles and miles separate us.  There have been beautiful things that I have gone through, and there are some really shitty things that I have come out on the other of wondering how did I make it out.

I have known love of a few men, and for those I am very lucky to have known it. I have taken the good out of those experiences and moved on from the parts that made my heart hurt.  There have even been two that I would have run away with if they had asked me to drop every thing and go with them.

I have done very stupid things as well.  I have been an evil bitch to people just because I could.  I have been a huge bad shit talker.  but through all of these events, I have always felt that I was meant for something huge.  Something so much bigger than what I can understand, and for a long time, I have been under the impression that it had to do with having a lot of money.

The prospect of this job that I had seen, was the money aspect.  And in this line of thinking, due to the lifestyle with which I had become accustomed to, this was going to mean I was coming up in the world.  And, I couldn't see that which is was much more important than having money.  The ones that I share my life with, this is the significance of my life.  Now, the money aspect would have been lovely, but, it's not all that important.  What is important is sleeping upstairs.  What is important is the content of my character, and, my daily run which helps my mind.  What's important is that I am a good mother and a good wife and a friend.  What's important is not about being popular, but being fair.

I'm certainly not a perfect person, I make mistakes daily.  I make mistakes at work and that makes me crazy, I snap at my little one more than I should, but, I try to be better everyday.  And I may never be monetarily well off.  But I have riches.  I have riches beyond measure.  I have a family that I couldn't be more excited about, I have friends whom I trust, I have a job that wants me to stay and learn and move forward.  I have a car that run, and an apartment to live in that is a home in every respect.  I have more than 90% of the world.  I am so grateful for my life and what I do have.

Here's hoping for dreams that come true.  Good night all... Peace

The Sounds of Silence

I have not done my part of this side of the resolutions.  Not sure if I will be able to remedy that, but, it's all good.  I have been silent for a reason though.  Not because I was sick or hurt or incapacitated in any way, just haven't really turned on my computer in a while.  It's strange that I'm not on it all the time anymore.

There is so much going on in the last few months that for me, it's hard to come to grips with it.  I find it humorous at times but mostly frightening and sad and horrifying at the same time.  I can't understand what's going on, or why the letter R behind your name gives the idea that there are no consequences for actions.  Who is representing whom at this point? 

Anyhow, on to life.  My goal of running is coming along, slowly this month, but, it's only half way done, I plan on a late comeback for it.  I think signing up for another half at the end of April will give me something to shot for.  I have found a book on training plans.  I think I will use it.  I want to be able to qualify for the big one, Boston Marathon at some point in my life.  Sooner rather that later would be good, but, I can wait.  And train.  And be diligent in my training. 

Self evaluation is going well.  I have managed to do that a bit every day, and I think it helps.  Maybe one day I can be at work all day and not make a snide comment or one that may be taken the wrong way.  I am doing my best every day,  I guess that's all I can do.  This past month, I haven't been on my running as much as I would like to have been.  I needed to rest for a few days at the start of the month.  My shins were killing me, and for those 6 long days with no runs in them, I noticed how quickly my waist size can compound without my running daily.  I wore my compressing socks this whole time as well to make sure that the blood was doing it's thing in my legs properly.  Slowly, I got back to my normal running.  Well, as of now, a month after that rest.

I managed to run in my first major race this year.  The Rock 'N' Roll Marathon series in Phoenix is where I did my first half marathon race.  There were so many people there.  I was number 19074.  Started about an hour after the clock did, but, I was pleased with my performance.   I am really looking forward to signing up for a full marathon next year.  Yes, I will be brave enough to run a full marathon.  And I have some help from a book on training as well as a support group that is out of this world awesome.  I like that they all seem to want to be each other's cheerleaders for our successes and our downfalls.   It's like being in the Navy again, but with people who generally like to run more.  And longer.  And we smile more than my counter parts did out on the ocean.  I have signed up for a half at the end of the month.  I'm super excited about it.  It's a virtual race, but I think I should be out there, that morning of the race and know that while I'm not there with them right then, I'm with them, the whole 13.1 miles.  I already have my medal and shirt.  And the medal is a frame.  So I have a photo that is of my and my best friend at out first race together.  I keep trying to get Nessa to do more with me.  She's not a half person, which is cool. But she cheers me on and that is even better!

I think it must be getting old for some of my friends to read about me running.  I mean, it's really all I do and say that I do.  I shop for food and shit like that, I went bra shopping with Piper, and yet, all I was thinking about was running.  I have noticed a few little things in my body change as well since I began this journey two years ago.  I don't feel like I'm going nuts anymore.  This was certainly a huge thing for me.  One day it was the end of the world and the very next I was over the moon excited about not a damn thing.  Running gave me my attitude back.  It is also more expensive than what I had originally thought it would be.  Shoes are nice and pricey.  I try to pay a bit less for my clothes, which is why I shop at Ross, but I will pay good money for shoes that don't hurt.  It's imperative that I take care of my feet.  They are the base of my structure.  I have to make them happy.  They are the ones who absorb all of the shock of running and carrying this frame (and it's not that small of a frame).

Work seems to be good.  I am enjoying my job.  I like the people that I work with, all of them in fact. I am working on moving up.  I am hopeful, but, if it doesn't happen, I will keep trying and pushing forward.  No need to cry in my Cheerios for too long.  I still long to do massage.  I love doing it, and it makes me feel at peace with life.  Not too sure why, but, it does.  I just can't do 7 in a day and not hurt from it.  I still have dreams for it.  About getting a job as the corporate massage therapist for Gravity Payments.  I know it would be an amazing adventure to do that.  I keep trying.  Tonight it may be wishful thinking, but, something in the back of my head says don't give up, it's only a matter of time.

Lastly, there is that one topic that I have failed to mention.  The 45th.  I am not a fan.  I am not pleased with the idea of him deconstructing our environmental protections so his cronies can make more money and fuck the rest of us.  I am not happy with our Senate selling our private browser history to companies.  Talk about invasion of privacy.  I am not happy with the many things going on in our government.  I am pleased to see more conversations that need to happen being out there.  I am glad that people are taking action.  I am however, saddened by how many don't vote.  Thinking that my vote doesn't matter.  There is so much that matters, and voting is one of those things that I feel super strongly about.  I find him to be in over his head.  He pouts like a child who doesn't get his way.  He is slanderous of our media.  He thinks that banning a religious group is going to somehow keep the bad people out.  He is so  many many things, but, I can't see any good coming from this administration.  I see a lot of discrimination, a lot of hate and bigotry, a lot of the worst of people.  And it makes me feel like they asked for it.

I think my love would make a fine president.  If he could make it through the election process.  He is so very intelligent, so very keen on human nature.  I love what says about so many things.  And don't get me wrong, I don't agree with him on everything, how can I?  We see things differently due to our upbringing and experiences.  But we work together to make things workable.  He is one of a kind, and I love that about him.

If you're upset about the way things are going in your political arena, I suggest you speak up.  Do something for your cause.  I may not be able to do much, but I can write.  I can and I will continue to write as long as I am permitted to do so.  Hopefully, when I do, it's educated and I don't make an ass of myself in the process.  And even if I do, oh well.  I have had thoughts over the years on how to solve the problems in our country, and they have been bad ideas.  Ideas that are impractical and stupid.  And the beauty of it, is I can change my mind, and say, I was wrong about this.  That's a bad idea.

Time to get moving now, there is ice cream in the freeze and fresh strawberries for dessert... Wanna know how I remember to spell dessert?  It has two s's.  Because it's so sweet... Night all!

What do you think I deserve...

I have days where I hate Facebook.  So much so, that I feel like I have to rant to my girlfriend about how insensitive people are when they think they can hide behind the safety of the computer screen.  Do I boycott the social site?  No.  I don't.  I prefer to not look at their stuff for a while.  Then I will get sucked back into the lives of the ones that I have chosen to let into my life there.  I will hit that like button when someone makes me smile.  Or the heart button when I go awwww...  Today however, I wanted to use the fuck you finger to someone. 

I live in a state that has recently voted to raise the minimum wage to a staggering $12.00 an hour.  I mean, holy shit, this is unheard of! The rise to $12 started at the start of the year at $10.00 an hour for everyone in the state, except wait staff, who still make shit wages and have to hope the patrons of their respective places of employment will be generous to leave that far too high 15% rate.  (I will get to this in a moment, so bear with me for a few.)

Of course with this hike in our states wages there will be plenty who are very excited about it, and then there are others who have the opposite point of view and don't like it one bit that we as a voting state have opted to raise the base pay of all working persons to $12 an hour, which, if we do the math, is just shy of $25,000 a year.  However, that won't take effect for two more years.  At it's current rate, the $10 raise from $8.05 is where we are at right now.  For the average, minimum wage earner who works 40 hours a week, has no sick days, and no taxes taken out the yearly will be $20,800.  Now let's take into account taxes, I will use what I take out for personal taxes and other deductions, which is around 206 per pay check and that's only for 32 hours that I work, I assume for 40 hours, figure around $15,444.  Wow.  That's absurd that anyone should want to make more than that! How dare these people think that living with more money would make it easier for them.  Stupid idiots right?!  The very nerve!  So for the fun of it, let's see what the $8.05 would look like for the year with the guessed tax rate... I used around $150 for taxes, though, I think I paid more than that... We are looking at $12,844 for the year. 

(The anger that is boiling right now wants to break free... )  Now I'm not so unaware that such a large hike in mom and pop places may and likely will impact the way that they will employ workers.  I see where there will be price increases to pay for the help to run the place.  Likely there are a lot of small business owners who will feel the sting of it, and for them, I sympathize.  I really do.  No one wants to lose their lively hood for reasons like this.  However, I, am not here to argue for the ones who own their businesses or the ones who already made $12 an hour or more.  I am not here to tell you how sad for you... What I'm here to say today, is FUCK YOU!

I grew up with my three sisters in a small town in northern Arizona.  It's not a bad place, I still live there in fact, (not to say that I never left, rather I left and have returned to this place again) and I still like it here.  But, for those of us who live here, and don't have the same ideas in the political aspect of the like minded community, we are considered to be the worst sort of people.  Ones you don't want to talk to about politics because we are those dreaded (dare I say it) liberals.  I have looked this term up in the Oxford dictionary and well, it's not such a bad thing I have found.  The closed mined conservative community that I live in however, doesn't think so.  I know that my conservative friends think I am crazy for my ideas.  I think we should have a minimum wage that allows the people who work, to be able to afford to pay their bills and eat, instead of one or the other.  I remember driving home with work one day with my little sister, and she asked me how much did I make in the year prior, and said, around $12,000.  I think she was shocked, she asked how did I live, to which I replied very creatively.  Last year, I had my boss tell me that I was overpaid and he didn't think he should pay me as much as he did.  But I was losing 20% of my income by not working on Monday's.  I looked at my 1099 and it was $12061 for the year.... But I should be making so much more yearly, but,  less hourly.  I knew and still know what my worth is for an LMT and trust me, I wasn't paid anywhere close to what I deserve for my skills and expected job requirements.  I have to maintain my license, which costs around $100 for the renewal, insurance must be taken out, and continuing education credits must be meet in order to get your renewal.  They don't offer classes where I live, I must take these classes in person in another city.  Not to mention that I had to supply my own everything, and clean them all as well... That's a must there. 

For me, that was a low point, and I was so upset by these words that I immediately began the job search.  Several leads and a few interviews later, I am now at the bank.  There is stability in the job I have and my body doesn't ache from doing 8, or 9, or 10 massages in a day.  When I left, I felt like I had been taken advantage of and shafted, I was so hurt and sad by the move.  How would I tell my clients that while I love them dearly, I want them to keep getting regular bodywork, that I could no longer stay there?  There were many things that I thought about this place and in the end, it's his business and it's his choice.  However, my choice is not to be there. 

How does this apply to today you may be asking, dear reader, and it's this.  I don't flip burgers for a living.  I have a degree, I have goals and ambitions, I have a license that I still must keep up if I wish to still be able to do massage.  I'm not some kid, fresh out of high school trying to make enough money to buy some weed and fuel and go fishing on the weekends.  I am a grown fucking adult, and I have not overextended my living expenses.  But once in a while, it would be nice to be able to afford to go out to dinner and not have to worry about not having enough to purchase a lemonade to go with my $1. cheeseburger... ( ok, so that's a bit of an exaggeration, I usually spend $7.00 for something and split it so I can have leftovers for tomorrow's lunch.)  I am not saying that this is the case for everyone in the state, there are some who have it so much worse than I do, and for the my job and everything that I have, I'm so grateful, because believe it or not, this is much better than where we were 4 years ago.  But, I have the education, I have the skills and the aptitude to learn and excel in what I do, I have years of experience in customer service and somehow, I have not been able to move above the poverty line for more than a decade.  I live very creatively and I still maintain being a snob with some things, but, not too many.  I have many wants that are just that, wants.  I have many needs, and they fall into order of importance... kinda sucks to do it that way, but right now, it's all I can do. 

To bring this back, I am shocked at how many people think that I deserve to live in this fashion.  Because me making more due to minimum wage going up invalidates the hard work they had to put into their jobs to make it to where they are.  Education should come into play in the job field but, I have yet to see where this is helping me.  I see the young kid who is fresh out of high school who makes more than I do come in regularly.  I am happy for his good fortune, and silently hoping for a miracle that I will get that job I dream of, the one where I am valued and appreciated and the pay matches that.  I have that dream job in mind, I want to be that corporate massage therapist who works for a company and just work on the employees of said company.  I have the company in mind, and I have high hopes.  But until then, what gives you the right to say I deserve less because you had to wade up through the pile of corporate bullshit to get to where you are.  How dare you think that what I do is any less important than what you do.  I see these people saying how unfair it is for them that the minimum wage went up, as if it's some sort of personal vendetta against them.  It's not fair that some have to work so hard to get where they are, I am not looking for a handout or sympathy, I just want a fair shot to live and know what it's like to not worry about how can I pay this, to be stress free in this realm.  I would like to think that given this opportunity, I would stay somewhat thrift in my spending, but, to have some wiggle room, to be able to afford to leave my home town for a night for a race, and not wonder if I really afford it, or it's just another dream I have to watch go by because I can't afford to do it.   

Stop looking at the ones who you think are less than you because of their job and see that they are people too, who, like most other inhabitants of the earth want, to give their kids a good life and maybe enjoy it.  See some new places, learn new things.  Know what it's like to be stress free.  I will get there, until then, remember, just because that's the way things have always been done, doesn't really make it right.   

Brand New Year.. oh the possibilites

↔There are few things greater for me, than a new spiral notebook journal.  Perhaps a new year is the only thing cooler for me.  And with a New Year, always seems to come those pesky resolutions.  Or, as I had done it before, more reasons to hate myself when I fail miserably at something.  And I did.  Fail and hate myself that is.  And while now, I still make "resolutions", they are more of goals for myself.  I set out to prepare for a run in this years half marathon this month, and while I didn't think it was going to happen for so many reasons at the beginning of the year, I have been able to do just that.  Which always, for me anyway,  brings to mind, what other wonderful things can I accomplish if I make it a goal complete with rewards and everything? 

As with so many years, let me start off by telling you what I'm grateful for.  For the years that I have lived with my parents, New Year's Dinner was a time when we brought to the table, literally, at dinner for New Year's Day, our list of things we were grateful for, and what we would like to do as a resolution.  For so many years I wanted to lose weight and the only thing I was grateful for was well, in reality, I was not a grateful person.  I was pretty angry and lost and had a hard time.  It was a challenge to find something on those New Year's Days.  But, I usually managed one or two things that I was truly grateful for.

So with this tradition, I wanted to say something about the resolution that I had for years:  Lose weight, that's all I ever thought about.  Every year for what is near enough to 30 years that I have had a lifetime of self loathing.  It was about 3 years ago that I am sure was the last time I said I was going to lose weight.  I don't want to lose weight.  I would love to eat whatever and not gain weight, but, I have to live in a realistic world where there are enemies of my thighs.  Yes, I know that this is not the goal for me. 


What I'm Thankful For:
- I am grateful for my own voice in this world
- I am grateful for the ones that I love fiercely and unconditionally
- I am grateful for the ones who push me to work harder and push myself further
- I am grateful for the air that I breathe
- I am grateful for the ones who have inspired me to be realize my own muchness
- I am grateful for the Sun, the Wind, the Rain, the Oceans, and the Earth
- I am grateful that I have found some peace within myself


My Goals:
- To continue to learn about who I am and where do I fit in here?
- To take care of myself on a daily basis
- To take a look at the end of each day and self evaluate i.e. how can I do better tomorrow?
- To run 1000 miles this year
- To finish projects long before they are due to be ready and actually mail them on time
- To edit and self publish the first of many (hopefully) books

How does one come up with these kind of goals?  I know that you're looking at these thinking I must be crazy, if I self evaluate, I might find out that I can be just as much of a cunt as other women I know.  What if I don't like the person that I am being?  How will I ever reach such an impossible goal?  It is tough, and I have already found out that I can be a bonafied cunt of a human being.  But the question then goes back to, once I see these traits, what do I do with them.  If I don't like it, do I change it, or do I keep being that person?  You see, that's what it's all about.  If I don't like it or if I do like it.  If I don't like it, I'm only going to one of two things, change it, or not.  If I do like it, will I keep it and continue to be like that, or do I try to be better than I was and evolve to be something I didn't know I could do.  Running, really isn't the biggest challenge that is up there for me.  I have thought out how to reach that goal, and while I don't have my rewards in place just yet, I will.  It's a big thing now that I have a plan, I know that I can reach it.  For me, to finish projects is a really hard one.  It requires me to take that thing I don't like about myself and try to change it.  Will I succeed?  I don't know.  I have a few goals that I have managed to keep since making big ones, so we shall see. 

And what's fun for me is to set goals throughout the year to keep myself challenged.  This year past, I didn't do any 10ks.  I was very bummed that I didn't' do any.  I did however, do my first mud run and that was a blast.  Was I prepared, not really.  Am I going to make little goals for myself this year for running, well, aside from the big one?  Like properly train for a race or sign up for one that might be really hard.  Or do hot yoga for a month on Saturdays?  Or run a 10k.  At this point, I know what the basic goals are.  And while I have a few more that are my own and I will write down in my own private hand written journal, I know what I want to have accomplished at the end of this year. 

Not everyone has goals for themselves.  Not everyone makes resolutions, but, for those who do, what are your goals?  I have asked my youngest one what are her goals for the year.  She said she wanted to do a handstand.  I can respect that.  I also tried to tell her to use her resources.  If you wish to learn more and do gymnastics, ask your cousin for what YouTube channels she watched when she was learning.  Pull out the yoga book and start to stretch everyday to get the muscles loose and ready for the day, as well as gaining flexibility for more acrobatic moves.  I want to be able to do the splits. I am sure that if I did my yoga for a year, I could come much closer if not all the way to doing them.

With this year at it's early spot, I sit here in wonder in awe waiting for what the year will bring.  Some things scare the shit out of me.  I am hoping to be surprised for wonderful things, but, I don't expect it.  Other things, will be wonderful and amazing, like vacation and using new oil paints and having a marriage anniversary that I will be celebrating this year.  I have one last thought/goal to leave you with.  A suggestion if you will.  This year, I as well as Piper, will be doing the jar of Awesome.  Once a week, no less, we will be putting down on paper awesome things that have happened that week.  If more than one thing happens that we thought were awesome, we can put more.  But at the end of the year, it makes for fun times reading what good things really did happen to us throughout the year. 

So Here's to Cheating,

Stealing, Fighting,

And Drinking.

 

If you Cheat, May you Cheat

death; If you Steal, May you

Steal a Woman's Heart; If you fight,

May you Fight for a Brother;

If you drink, May you drink with me.