The past few days, I have had the opportunity to sit and listen to what people are saying to me, to others, and just really listen. I think I have figured something out. Many people just want someone to know their story. They want to dominate the conversation and not let others talk. I have no problems with this, I am a good listener.
I have experienced this for myself in the last few days, but, really put it all together today. What makes me upset about this is, it's really hard for me to talk to people like that. I know that life is stressful and things are going to happen, but, it would be nice to ask questions about things or be able to express how I feel about a particular topic, or what is really going on in my mind. That's what I love about this blog. It's totally random, with no particular rhyme or reason, should be called, whatever Julia is thinking right now, but, it gives me a voice. One that I don't seem to think that I get to speak out in person.
My occupation dictates that I do not give advise and I do not say things that involve my opinion of what someone should or should not do... Why or why not someone is stressed, but, once in great while, I am able to ask them as friends what's really going on. I know that I am this way to my friends too. I listen, they talk. I have some friends who do want to know what's going on with me, but, I think most of the time, I should just keep my mouth shut.
About Wednesday I realized this. I want to shout sometimes, at all the people who don't let me get a word in edge wise, but, I find no good use for shouting. I hate dealing with confrontation in any forms. Which is why, I don't pick a fight, unless I know that I am right. And I choose the battles that I do go into. I don't have to argue with anyone, I can keep my mouth shut if I need to.
Which this all comes back to my thoughts of friends. Does anyone really have a friend? Someone who knows them in and out, someone who would give everything for them, and someone who will listen without saying how much worse they have it, or how much better they are at something that you are. Of course, I do have a few close friends that would listen to me if I needed a shoulder to cry on, but, it does tend to make me wonder. How can you say that you're a friend, when, you don't actually care about the other person?
I am thinking too much tonight. Thomas is in a lot of pain, I am going to let him try to sleep in the bed and me on the couch, maybe he will get some rest if I'm not moving around on him. I should be less self centered and selfish, but, at least I know what I am.
I see the world as though people are basically decent and don't really want to make others suffer. I think that there is a good side to everything. I hope, and I wish, and I dream of a better life for me and my family, but, beyond that, I have no clue what others are going through. I have no idea if the reason you are like that is because you were abused as a child. I don't see the disillusionment that so many people get after they have life happen to them. What I do see is everyone just wants to be liked, to feel important, and feel like they belong to a group/family. I guess that makes us basically the same, as humans. I want to find a group of people who think I'm pretty cool, who believe that I can do anything if I set my mind to it, and who love me, just as I am. Without trying to be better than everyone else.
When I was 19, I heard a song by Blink 182, The Party Song, and what really struck me was the chorus that said that some girls try to hard. And before you know it, I started to watch women and it's true. Some people try way to hard to have people think good things about them. I could say look at the politicians of our time, and that would be a great example, but, think of your friends. Do you ever just sit and listen to them? And when you do, are you able to get a word in? What about being able to bring up any of the shit that you're going through too? Makes you wonder. I had a lady at the farmers market ask how I was today. All I said was pretty good, I have things going on, but no one wants to hear me complain, so why bother complaining about it. She agreed with me.
I don't know, maybe I am just a little over tired and feeling under appreciated right now. But, it's past bed time, and the couch is calling my name now. I can feel my whole body just wanting to go off into a peaceful slumber... Peace all, Night :)
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