When I was in 7th grade, we did a female youth Bible study group and one of the things that we talked about was living with a mask on. Tonight however, my mask is consisting of Mint Julep mud. I next plan to jump in the shower, rinse it all off, then use my face sander and see if that seems to help the case of, eating wheat again, and it's making my face break out terribly so I have to do something about it before it makes me fucking crazy!
I have tried to give up wheat once again, and for today, I have done wonderfully. And yesterday, I did pretty good, I had half a burger, so only half the bun. I am thinking it was the easy Mac that I had on Monday that really did me in. And what sucks is that I know this is what kills my skin, and yet, I have a hard time trying to give up the most awful thing for me to eat. I have to do it this time. Kind of like with working out. I have a goal, to hit size 10 by Christmas. It's totally doable and I plan on making it, maybe plus some. I hate to admit it, but, I will have to get up early, this whole trying to do it after Piper goes to bed, just gives me more time to make excuses. But, what kind of a reward can I give to myself for making my goal? Aside from the joy of having to wear clothes that are all 2 sizes too big for me, I will have the joy of knowing that I did it. But, I want a little bit more than that. I was given the suggestion of buying a pretty dress in the size that I want and hang it where I will see it everyday, but, I don't wear dresses, so I really wouldn't see the need to get something that I really don't wear much of right now... though, maybe for the fall festival I will wear a dress... I have a few nice ones that are just dying to be worn. A pedicure maybe, but, something really good... I would like to think that I have the money to do something really special for myself, like buy a new piece of jewelry, like my right hand ring. I know that it's my job to buy myself jewelry, so, maybe this would be a really good incentive... hmmmm.... Diamond of course, because, I'm worth it!
Back to the mask thing, after this one comes off tonight, it should have been coming off about ten minutes ago, I love the idea of giving my face a break from all the lotions and things out there. I am considering going back to bar soap to wash my face too... And of course I have the original bar soap for faces :) But, what of this other mask. The one that we wear and replace for the different people in our lives. For me, I try to be as real as I can be, even with my daughter. I don't want her to see me one way with her and a totally different way with anyone else. I can seem cold and I have a bark when it comes to dealing with Piper, but, it's not because I don't love her, it's because I want her to see what she is doing and why what she is doing is either right or wrong. I want to be able to talk to my clients the same way I would talk to my friends. Some of them, that's not going to happen, not every client needs to know I have a potty sailor mouth, but, I am polite, and I am respectful of them when I know that they are a certain way.
The mask that I wear, I try to make sure it's the same one that Thomas sees at night when we are in bed talking. I want to be sure that he always sees me the same way. Sure I'm a bit flakey (in truth, I am very flakey), but I know this about myself, and I can walk by so many things that need to be done, and not care if it gets done or not, but, all in all, I want him to see me, the real me, always.
For most couples, they don't see themselves the way the other sees them. I know that Thomas loves me, and he loves my size and he supports me to do what I want when it comes to losing weight, but, I don't' see me like that at all. I have a hard time getting past the look of myself, though, once in a while, I will send him a text that says, you're girlfriend is fucking hot!! He laughs and agrees with me. But I see him as super sexy grownup kind of guy, but, he doesn't see that at all. I tell him a lot too, because I want him to know that I love him for him.
Anyhow, it's way past time to wash this stuff off my face, so I am going to shower for now... Good night all... Don't let the bed bugs bite!!! And if they do, bite them back, much harder! Peace all...
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