On the way home from work, I started to think about why am I not self motivated? I was going through many questions in my head and this is the one that stuck out for a while... I tried to remember a time when I was motivated to do something to prove someone wrong.... It was when I was told I would be cute if I lost some weight. I was on deployment so why not show that mother fucker off!! But it didn't seem to solve the question of why... and then it hit me. Fear. Fear of loss is really seems to get me motivated to do anything. I know that it's not the best thing to be motivated from, but it is. So what am I afraid of losing then, I asked myself... Hmmm... good question!
I thought about my parents. I'm afraid of fighting or standing my ground because I don't want them to treat me like they treat Brandy. I am afraid of fighting with Brandy because we got into an argument many years ago, and she didn't talk to me for a decade, and I don't want to lose my sister again. I'm afraid to argue with Thomas because I have this fear that if I stand up to him, then we may argue and he will want to leave. I am not lonely and I am not lonely when I'm alone, but, I don't think my heart could go on if I screwed up this love that I have with this man. I'm afraid that he will want to leave because there is no set rule or anything that says he will stay. I once signed a contract, legal and binding with someone who said that he wouldn't leave and he did. Mostly when I think of this fear, I remember what I know of Thomas and how he feels about me and our relationship, I have the huge sigh of relief because I know that he loves me and wants to be with me. He's a good positive influence on me and makes me think for myself. I feel so happy and grateful that I get to be with him in this life time. He loves me and says nice things to me... I really love that about him :)
I am afraid of being a bad influence on Kelsie and saying the wrong thing and she does something totally bad because I had been there done that. I am afraid of not being a good enough mother to Piper. Am I doing the best that I know how to take care of my family? I don't know all the time about that.
I began to ponder this some more. I am afraid of fighting, but why? Did I get into a fight with someone and lose? Did I fight and win? I lost a fight, not a physical fight and I am afraid of losing that kind of fight again. There was another point when I thought that I have never really fought for anything like a cause before and what was I so afraid of... Of losing?... But, what if? What if I won a fight for a cause? What would I feel like if I won a battle that I put out to win? (I didn't do a lot of winning when I was doing debate. I wasn't that great at it, I just wanted to earn more points and debate would get you points if you won or lost. Still got the points and I almost made it... oh well...)
Is it the rejection that I fear, I would have to say yes. Because I know that love is wonderful and beautiful and magical and feels like the best thing in the world.. However, rejection and sadness feel the exact opposite and that is what is the result of fear.....
I thought about this the whole way to lunch with Vanessa today. And when I got there and we started talking, I felt so much better because I know that I'm not a total lunatic... Well, I could be, but I'm not alone on how I feel in so many of these crazy ideas. It was by far the best lunch date I have had in a while. I missed talking to Nessa and I am so glad that she is my friend. I felt a renewed sense of peace after that, and I felt like a weight had been lifted.. I get it, now I can let it go, and move on to a land of less fear... I feel I have my joy again, and now, I can smile with my liver :)
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