Self Motivation

So there I was, getting ready to go to bed last night.  I had done some writing and some reading... the Maverick magazine... and my eyes were really tired.  I was lying in bed, about to get up and take out my contacts and then, Thomas comes in with the computer and wants to watch G.I. Jane on the computer. 

So, I take my contacts, and put my glasses on and crawl into bed with Thomas.  I watched a bit of the movie and as we were watching it, there comes a part when it's the end of their first day and they are holding up a boat filled with water and Thomas made a comment that really made me think.  He said, "No one can ever motivate you more than you can motivate yourself."

I tried to go back to sleep after he said that, and it was nearly impossible for a long time.  I started to think about that statement and what did that mean to me, and was that a true statement for all people.  I thought about being in the military and boot camp and what it took to get me to be motivated to get through that. 

For me, it took a bad experience with a guy and no money and too many bills to decide that I needed to do something about that.  I thought for sure that the Navy was the best option for me.  So I left and joined the Navy.  I knew that I had to get through boot camp which was not going to be easy, nor was it going to be fun, but it was something that had to be done.  Done for me, done for my family, done because I was tired of being a screw up my adult life... all three years of it at that point. So, I went for it.  I had nothing to lose and everything to prove to me.  I think I wanted to do it, just because I wanted to do.  (I used to say that the first thing I ever did for myself was to get a massage, the second thing I ever did for myself was join the military.)

So there I was now, in boot camp.  All I knew was that I needed to stand up straight, shine my shoes nicely, and get the thousand mile stare down.  (To this day, I still have that stare down.)  How did I make it that far then?  How on earth did I manage to get through the hardest thing I had ever done? It's interesting to tell people that I got into trouble all the time!  There was never a day that I didn't forget to do something or have to do something over.  I was division Yeoman, which we just called the Yo-Bitch... the divisional secretary is what it really amounts to.  I used to forget the roll call sheet and leave the division and have to go back, and then get into trouble for that later in the day.  I used to cross the street on the wrong side of the road, or wear my little messenger bag on the wrong side and get into trouble.  And, when you get into trouble, you get 'beat'.  Getting beat, was a regular thing for me (this is were you would have to do lots of extra exercise), but it also kept me motivated to finish boot camp.  I remember hearing my RDC (Recruit Division Commander) saying something to the effect that he was going to ASMO my ass if I didn't get it together, and after that, I didn't have any problems getting into trouble anymore.  It was the best motivation that I ever had.  And after that, I would strive to make sure that I was the best in the group.  I used to work so hard at just being the best at whatever I was doing that I wouldn't let anyone tell me that I couldn't do it.

I worked my ass off for a few years to be the very best Engineman that I could be.  I made Second Class Petty Officer in less than three years, I got and EP (early promote) on my first Second Class eval, with a 4.57 on that eval.  I was shit hot... I was a great sailor...

And then I lost it all.  After that, it was like I lost all the motivation to be the best.  I couldn't do anything for me.  I didn't want to do anything for myself anymore.  What was the point?  There was no more competition for me, no one to run against, no one to push me.  I didn't have to push myself to be better than the guys that I was around, I wasn't in competition with them anymore.  I had no one to use as an example.  Life was just blah without motivation. 

I have tried to get myself motivated to do better, and for the most part, I am doing so much better now.  I am awesome as far as my work goes, and I love doing it.  I want to be the best at what I do, and I will work very hard to become that.  I keep thinking that if I ever got to get back to California, I would be the massage therapist that everyone in Hollywood would want to go to... I keep thinking I am that good... Who knows on that one, it's a fantasy for now, but, I wouldn't mind if it was a reality. 

But, for life, for the rest of things for me, I still have no motivation to be better.. I mean sure I want to be the best mom that I can be, and I want to have a nice home and be great, but, when I want to work out, that's when I have the problems.  I can do it for about a month and then, I just lose the drive that it takes to finish anything.  I see some results and then I don't keep going... for whatever reason. 

So, what does it take to be self motivated?  What can I do to get that back, to be in competition with someone who only wants me to succeed, but is able to push me to do better... Perhaps I need to do something big to get back on track, like train for a triathlon or a 10K run or something like that... I just need to look for something to get me going... Hmmmm... something to push for... to make myself a better person... to get my back to healthy and somewhat fit.. or fitter than I am now...  maybe to fit into my jeans that I loved so much... the jeans that I bought after my first deployment, the Mudd jeans that looked amazing...  hmmmmmm...... This could work.  I will have to look into this one... maybe, just maybe :)