Fear

It occurs to me that fear is a normal thing in our days.  There use to be no question of what you were going to do or who you were going to end up with.  Everything was already set for you.  Of course this was at a time when we thought we were at the height of sophistication and baths should only be taken once or twice a year, if you were lucky.  I think our media pours fear into our lives by telling us all the most horrible things that ever happen.  They seem to use to our own fears against us all... This is why I don't watch the news or pay attention to things going on in the world, unless it's fashion.  I want to fill my head with things in life that are good an make me want to be a better person.  Lots of flowers and sunshine really... and pretty dresses.

As for me, I have my own fears in life.  Recently, last week, I was going to bed and the joints in my toes were aching, as were the joints in my hands.  I knew that I was starting to get sick again, and I had been sick already this year.  In fact, it was just a month ago that I was sick, so, I was thinking that this was totally unnatural.  My fears started to come up and I began to wonder about why was my immune system not doing what it was suppose to be doing.  And try as I might to put that thought out of my head, things started to rush to my imagination about the state of my health.  I was doing so much better by mid week, had been sleeping and was feeling pretty good.  Thursday morning I woke up with what I have now been told is oral thrush... a yeast infection in my mouth.  How does that happen?  I know that sometimes the very old and very young get this, but, I'm not either one of those. 

When I got home from the Dr.'s office this morning, turns out I have pink eye to go with this... What the fuck is going on?  I turned on the computer and was doing a bit of research and found that in some cases, the thrush is because of a weakened immune system to due to other kinds of illnesses, like, HIV, cancer, or diabetes.  Hmmm.... none of those sound good to me.  I am not sure what to think about this new bit of information.  Seems I should go to the Dr....  So, I have an appointment to see a regular doctor in 2 weeks.  Until then, I get to speculate as to why I have been getting sick more regularly.  I am going to take a nap here shortly, have to get good rest, and after that, any way I look at it, I am going to have to make some serious changes in my lifestyle.  Eating lots of leafy greens to start and then, I'm sure that working out is no longer going to be something that I do once or twice a week... Looks like it's going to be a lot more than that.  And water, lots of water!! Lastly, I'm thinking a lot more meditation everyday. 

I could be making a lot out of this, and it could be just that I need to bone up on the amount of vitamin C that I take, but, I am very good at making a mountain out of a mole hill.  It could totally be nothing and I'm just a bit over paranoid, but, that thought still lingers in my head.  I think this could call for a relocation to the somewhere near the ocean.  I would like to think that the ocean could help to heal my body and my soul. 

My soul hasn't been feed it seems lately.  I feel out of sync with my own life.  Not that I am unhappy or anything like that, I love my family and my home, but, there is something that seems off.  I feel antsy and I want to travel again.  I see someplace in a movie and all I think of is what it will be like for me when I get there.  Was watching Eat Pray Love, I so loved that book.. it gives me such amazing inspiration when I need it.. and I realized the box that Liz Gilbert had, the one with the travel brouchers, was the one that I had in my head.  I never was good at keeping tons of stuff forever, but, I have a list of places that I want to see.  Perhaps I will make that bucket list that I think is way too far off for me to make.  I have to see Bali for sure, and Bora Bora, and New York City.  I want nothing more than to live on some nice tropical island with mosquito's the size of chickens :) To feel the ocean that close to me again, is a piece of heaven. 

Anyhow, time for a little nap, thinking about putting on some nice relaxing tunes and meditating for a little bit too.  Should be a nice hour of solitude... Time to let it all go :)