This week has been adventurous for me. I took my computer in to be repaired and was told that the mother board is fried. So I asked, what does that mean? He says, it means you need to get a new computer :( OK, I can handle this, it's no big deal... Go outside at lunch to jump in my car and get some food, and the car won't start... And it won't start, and it won't start. The frustration is starting to kick in at this point.
I called my mom, who so graciously loaned me her truck until mine is fixed, had to listen to me cry because the stress was not doing good for me. I was in a bad mood for the rest of the day, I hate that!
My computer is on again off again, though I am still looking for a new one. Thomas has been going over them for a few days now. My car, is now fixed, thanks to my parents who are good to me. It was the same part that continues to go out on me every year. This time, I looked up the part, it's about $80 for it. If I keep it in my car, I can replace it when it thinks it wants to go out again. Thus eliminating the issue of not having my car for a few months.
This all seemed to happen to me on Tuesday. It was a rough day for me. I was in a rare mood where I put on some darker music and told my client, that, I was sorry, but, for unforeseen reasons, we were going to have to listen to what I needed to hear. He was really good about it though, he too likes Tool, A Perfect Circle, Nine Inch Nails, that kind of stuff. And for the most part, it made me feel very, combative. I was wanting to argue with Thomas when I got home and nothing seemed to make me feel better. I listened to my play list from the time I finished putting it together until I picked my book.
Once I picked up my book though, I turned the music off and was instantly into Siddhartha. There was a passage in there that I have been reading for the past three days. It said that he had spent his whole life studying the lives of others and never gave one thought to studying his own. He had been hiding from himself. And this, to me, was a very interesting thought. If the Buddha had spent his whole life hiding from himself, then for sure, I have been doing the same. But, what, am I hiding from? The truth is always harder to deal with than fantasy land.
I have been thinking about this for the past few days. What am I hiding from, it's a good question that if we all take a look deeper inside, we will find that every one of us are hiding from ourselves. But why? Why are we so afraid of what really lies beneath our own surface? Is it our nature that we seem to not like or are we scared that we might not like the person that we really are? Thomas asked me a question before we ever started dating and to this day, I still think it's such a profound question that really is the ultimate question to our beings. Are you lonely when you're alone? If so, what don't you like about yourself?
For a long time, I hated being by myself. I couldn't stand the thought of dealing with my own thoughts, so I would drown them out with anything, music, sex, drugs, alcohol, whatever I could find. Now, I crave having that time to just me, where I can turn off all things electronic and think. I used to not like me. I couldn't be by myself, I would get restless and uneasy, and now, I love it. I used to really not like myself, in any way. The destructive behavior enabled me to escape from the one that I can't really hide from, myself. I don't hate myself now. I like me, in fact, I love me. I still have days where I get lonely, but, it's not like being lonely. I get lonely for Piper and Kelsie when they gone. I get lonely for my parents when I do see them for a long time. I get lonely for my friends and sisters when it's been a long time since I have seen then, but, I am not a lonely person. It's a whole new ball park with different rules.
I still think that in a way, I hide from myself. I have to take time to really think of what is the truth. What is the truth? Who knows for sure. It's an answer only we can find for ourselves. I can't tell Thomas what his truth is, nor can I tell Kelsie or Piper for that matter. It's something each one of us has to find ourselves...
What are you hiding from yourself? What don't you like about yourself? Why? I think if we answer these, we will find our truths. Peace. <3 :)
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