Recently, I had discovered that I was cowardly. And while, I can see this in myself, I think I have come to some other conclusions about myself. I am not cowardly, I just go about things in a different manner than other people. One thing that was pointed out to me was that, though I have a hard time standing up for myself, I think of being in a time and place long ago. Being in the military was not a cowardly thing.
No matter what I say about what I did in the Navy, mainly wiping oil off of an engine, I need to consider that at that time, we were in the middle of the Arabian Gulf, in a time of war, going into war and combat every time we launched aircraft. I never thought of it like this before, it was always just, what I was doing, and I never really gave a thought to the mission in general. We were suppose to go out on deployment, it's not like that's news. Go out, do stuff, see things and places, come home. While that is a grossly oversimplification of what we did, it was so much more.
In combat, I never thought of what might happen. There were too many other things that I was thinking of... yes, it was mostly about boys and had nothing to do with what I was suppose to be doing. I stayed focused and did what I was suppose to do. I got into arguments with my supervisors and I worked out. But in reality, in the back of our minds, it was always there, what we were doing, and why. We all knew that at any time, we could be under attack and it would be over. But, while in that life, you don't think about it actively. It's there, looming over you, and we all talked about it, but, it wasn't something we let our fears get a hold of and run with. That was just too scary to think of.
As a Naval Engineer, we are not the celebrated the air wing whose sole purpose is to get air craft where it's suppose to go, into the air. We don't see the light of day, unless it's meal times, or smoke breaks. We live in the depths of the ship, making sure the lights are on and the ship is moving. The screws have to be turning, and the fires have to be lit. We complain about how unfair it is, and that we don't get a Sunday Holiday Routine, there are no days off while underway, but, it's what we live for. Some hated it, and for those, it was a very difficult time. Others, we loved our lives. And I say that I loved it, but, for the most part, I complained very loudly about it. I saw no purpose in what I was doing there. I had a job and it was pretty easy for me. I was young and on an adventure.
So, cowardly, most likely not.... Not always brave, that's about more like it. I am constantly trying to better myself and I will continue to do so, because I want to be the best me that I can be. I am a work in progress... And I love that about me.
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